Solomon Grundy Calls for National Mask Mandate.....

Slaughter Swamp, NJ- Hoping to calm the fears of millions of concerned Americans as cases of COVID-19 continue to spike in most states, Legion of Doom Director of Public Outreach Solomon Grundy is calling for the White House to put a national face mask mandate into place.

Solomon Grundy, shown here discussing the differences between surgical and N95 face masks with a group of hesitant local militia members whose skulls he would later crush with a large boulder

"It's absurd that recommendations for wearing face masks have been met with resistance from certain segments of the population," infectious disease expert Mort Fishman MD explained. "The simple act of wearing a breathable material that can block droplets coughed out by someone else, or keep your droplets from reaching others, is based on science that is as solid as it gets. If a murderous brute like Grundy gets it, what the hell is Trump's problem?"

Grundy, a reanimated corpse fused with rotten swamp wood and powered by a mysterious elemental force has been a frequent nemesis of the Justice League while working on a masters degree in public health. He is calling for a nationwide face mask mandate and believes that enforcement needs to be a priority. "Masks good! Wear masks! Don't make Solomon Grundy angry! Me have cousin with asthma!"

SDNY Announces Indictments in Newborn Apgar Score Bribery Scandal.....

New York - The United States District Court for the Southern District of New York has announced indictments against several physicians participating in a statewide bribery scandal involving the inflation of newborn infant assessment scores in exchange for money, cars, vacation homes, and numerous other high value payments.

Newborn baby Ramp Hammelstein, shown here being informed that his 5-minute Apgar score was 7, faces a life of manual labor with minimal if any contribution to society.

"For a few thousand dollars or a trip to the Seychelles, these doctors were giving sometimes two or even three extra points on a newborn's Apgar scores," U.S. Attorney Audrey Strauss revealed. "This might make the difference between admission to a premier daycare, with a successful future practically guaranteed, and being dropped off at a KinderCare."

According to Dr. Mort Fishman, a newborn specialist at Amazon's Employee Delivery Warehouse, the Apgar score was developed in 1952 by a committee of educational professionals, labor and delivery nurses, hospital administrators, concerned parents, and the Senate Health, Education, Labor, and Pensions Committee. "The baby is evaluated on five simple criteria using a scale from 0 to 2. After adding up the five results, that total is then multiplied by one and translated into a narrative description of the child's potential. It really couldn't be simpler."

More Parents Relying on Fetal Body Language Analysis.....

Newark, NJ - A recent Parenting Magazine survey has revealed that more parents-to-be are taking advantage of fetal body language analysis using prenatal ultrasound to help plan for their new arrival.

A licensed fetal body language expert, shown here explaining to new parents that their baby loves Drake and...ummm...let's just say football. Yeah, football. That's not racist, right?

"There is so much uncertainty out there for new parents," Kim Jacobs, fetal body language expert and owner of the Getting to Know You 4D Ultrasound Studio in Newark, explained. "What is the baby's favorite color? Do they want to be fed breast milk or formula? What pronouns should the medical team use? Parents are desperate for any information that might help them prepare."

The use of cutting edge 4D ultrasound systems has revolutionized fetal body language analysis. In the past, experts were forced to make a stupid flip book from a bunch of printed ultrasound pictures in order to perform an analysis. Now they can acquire and display 3D data sets in real time, just like a movie in the DC Extended Universe. This allows for analysis that is a quartile more accurate.

Though the science of fetal body language analysis is still in its infancy, testimonials from pleased parents are already piling up. Recent Getting to Know You clients Wild and Carli Howell are helping to spread the word around Newark. "We loved learning about her personality and her preferences before the birth. It helped us prepare. It gave us hope."

Ear Acupuncture May Benefit Patients with Penetrating Neck Wounds.....

Albuquerque, NM - Proponents of an ancient Chinese needle-based therapy are optimistic after the publication of a study looking into the use of ear acupuncture in patients with catastrophic penetrating neck wounds.

Traditional Chinese ear acupuncture, shown here curing a 25-year-old man with total organ failure from meningococcemia, may also slow death from exsanguination by several seconds

"We compared verum ear acupuncture plus usual care to usual care alone in severe knife wounds of the neck," lead researcher at University of New Mexico's Center for Studies, Dr. Flip Watkins, explained. "Though the subjects all died, there was an intriguing statistical trend towards slower death in the acupuncture group."

The study, which was published this week in Online Publishing Module #37,211 - Critical Care Acupuncture, involved a convenience sample of subjects with deep neck wounds who were randomized into treatment and usual care groups. According to Dr. Watkins, choosing the right acupuncture points to use was key to the methodological rigor of the study. "We focused on ancient Chinese texts dating back 5,000 years and determined that the ear acupuncture points corresponding to general neck health and also blood vessel integrity were the most likely to yield positive results."

Once the study concluded, a team of top statisticians set to work running the outcomes through a number of complicated algorithms using powerful graphing calculators on loan from the North Albuquerque Space Administration (NASA). What they found raised more questions than it answered, according to Chief of Complementary and Alternative Mathematics (CAM) Allyson Sanders. "Although none of the results were statistically significant, we've all got a really good feeling about this. More research is definitely needed."

Science Communicator Neil deGrasse Tyson Proposes New System to Prevent Future Social Media Blunders.....

New York City, NY- Popular astrophysicist and science communicator Neil deGrasse Tyson has announced a plan to prevent future social medial blunders by running his tweets by the female postgraduate student chained to the radiator in his basement.

Neil deGrasse Tyson, shown here contemplating the mysteries of the universe and the effectiveness of soundproofing his basement.

"I now realize that my words, even if scientifically accurate, can be hurtful," the Hayden Planetarium director and Cosmos: A Spacetime Odyssey host explained. "I'm asking for patience as I dedicate myself to personal growth and a better understanding of the complexities of human emotion."

The 60-year-old Grammy Award winner had recently apologized for an August 4th tweet where he seemed to scold society for an emotion driven excessive focus on the number of victims in the El Paso and Dayton mass shootings. Some experts, like cognitive emotional psychologist Mort Fishman, believe that Tyson is going through a crucial period of development. "It's clear that Neil is open to change and I believe that's why he kidnapped this woman in the first place. Let's give him some space to figure this all out. I said space...because he's talks about space a lot. Do you not get it?"

Paci-Vape Manufacturer Denies Marketing to Infants.....

San Francisco, CA- When confronted with concerns over inappropriate marketing tactics during a congressional hearing this week, Paci-Vape manufacturer Happy Baby Labs, Inc. executives vigorously denied targeting infants.

A cool baby, shown here using a Paci-Vape e-cigarette while listening to the latest hit from Jeremy Renner, star of Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters and that Jeep commercial

"At no point in the history of this company have we ever attempted to entice infants into using one of our sugar infused pacifier vaping products," Happy Baby Labs, Inc. founder Jewel Snively explained. "It isn't our fault if they are naturally curious and ignore the prominent warning labels stating that our pacifiers are not for babies."

The Paci-Vape e-cigarette brand is extremely popular among infants, with a market share of nearly 90%. Only blu binky has managed to carve out a small corner of the market, largely because of its prominent role in the 2017 hit film The Boss Baby. Pediatric health experts, like Happy Baby Labs, Inc. medical consultant Mort Fishman, point out that the health effects in infants are unknown. "We don't know how these products effect infants. The studies just haven't been done. Could they prevent SIDS? Maybe."

MIT Scientist Develops First Functioning Neutrino Detector Detector.....

Cambridge, MA- A researcher at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology in Cambridge has developed the first functioning neutrino detector detector.

A terrifying glimpse into a future where detector detector technology is used by military forces to seek out and destroy detectors deemed dangerous by world governments. Who detects the detector detectors?

"I got the idea when Steve lost his neutrino detector," Philm Anderson, Associate Chair of the Department of Outer Space and General Studies explained. "We looked everywhere, even under the couch cushions at his mother's house where we found it last time, and finally I'm like, we should just make a detector...with science."

Despite successfully finding Steve's neutrino detector behind the dryer in his mother's basement, critics are questioning the use of the detector detector. Some, like Galaxina Cosmopolis at SLAC National Accelerator Laboratory in Menlo Park, are raising privacy concerns. "On the one hand, I'm relieved that Steve found his neutrino detector because he worked really hard on it. On the other hand, I'm uncomfortable with the thought of detector detector technology falling into the wrong hands."

Language Experts Celebrate Anniversary of the Spontaneous Appearance of French.....

Des Moines, IA- Experts in the development of languages around the world are celebrating the spontaneous appearance of the French language on this day in the year 1683.

A field of sunflowers near St. Chambord believed to be where the French language was discovered just sitting there in 1683 

"One minute it wasn't there, and the next it was," Hanf Dandlepuff, Director of Linguistics at the Greater Des Moines Church of the Bible, explained. "And I bet people were surprised. Really surprised!"

Just how and when the several different known languages developed is a controversial area of research, with a perfectly balanced line of division between proponents of spontaneous appearance and believers in a more gradual process involving small changes to ancient proto-languages over time. Jim Balhoff, a biolinguistical engineer who owns his own computer and responded to my email, doesn't accept claims that languages simply came into existence fully formed in their current state. "Languages aren't like animal species, which we know sometimes do just fall from the sky and instantly establish a role in an ecosystem. Languages are far more complex than a caterpillar, or a different kind of caterpillar...a fuzzy one or maybe one with those spikes all over them. I can't ignore that kind of evidence."

White House Confirms President Trump's Perfect 2019 March Madness Bracket.....

Washington, D.C.- During a press conference today, Press Secretary Sarah Sanders confirmed that President Trump has the only remaining perfect bracket in the White House staff March Madness pool.

Press Secretary Sarah Sanders, shown here reacting to the implication that President Trump's preternatural ability to analyze complex data and his uncanny powers of intuition may not be enough to beat the 1 in 2.4 trillion odds of picking a perfect March Madness bracket

"Obama filled out a bracket every year that he was in office and never got them all right," Sanders revealed. "Last year he very wrongly picked Michigan State to win the tournament. Michigan State didn't even make it to the finals. This was just one of many failures for a broken man whose presidency will undoubtedly go down as the worst in recorded history."

According to Sanders, not only has Trump picked the winner correctly through the first 48 games of the tournament, he has also predicted the final scores. Some reporters in attendance admitted skepticism of the Press Secretary's claim, which led to a heated exchange. "It's true, you know it's true, and he will release his bracket once the tournament is completed. Frankly this kind of dissent is un-American, and it may even be treason. This is something that President Trump is looking into right now."

More American Newborns are Being Lost in Hospital Pneumatic Tube Systems.....

Houston, TX- When Bamanda Ellis delivered her first baby at a premiere academic birthing center in Houston, the last thing she expected was to go home without her child. But instead of driving off with a car seat full of hopes and dreams for the future, Bamanda and her husband Tab had a tracking number and a promise to be notified as soon as their baby was found. Their child had joined a growing number of newborns being lost in hospital pneumatic tube systems across the United States.

"Seeing those little bastards fly by just makes my day."
-Fred Grimley, Facility Engineer at Cleveland's Hospital for Mothers, Babies, Etc.

Pneumatic tube systems are a standard technology in large healthcare facilities. When seconds count, rapid and reliable delivery of blood products, tissue samples, and medications can literally save lives. But according to a recently published report from the Office of the Surgeon General, 7% of newborns are lost in these popular delivery systems every year, the majority of which were born prematurely and at a low birthweight for their gestational age.

"It might take a nurse or transport team ten to fifteen minutes to move a critically ill baby from point A to point B in this facility," Neep Gunderstone, an expert in neonatal logistics at Texas Children's Pavilion for Women. "The sooner that a lifesaving intervention can be initiated, the better the outcomes tend to be. And in the rare cases where a neonate is lost, they have usually just been tubed to the wrong station and we typically find them within 3-5 business days."

Though a common practice in large neonatal intensive care units and nurseries, it is not without its critics. According to United States Surgeon General Jerome Adams MD, this century-old technology needs to be updated before being used to transport patients. "Frankly it's embarrassing. I keep telling them not to use the tubes for that."

Thankfully the story of the Ellis family has a happy ending. Their child was eventually found in the radiology reading room and returned to the worried parents. And according to the relieved new mother, there may be a surprising silver lining. "I know he's just a week old, but I think he really learned a lot down there. Just imagine, my baby...a radiologist."