The Coca-Cola Company Reveals Plans for New Powerade Woke.....

Atlanta, GA - During a press conference held today at The Coca-Cola Company headquarters in Atlanta, global chief of communications Beatriz Perez announced plans for a complete overhaul of their popular line of Powerade sports drinks.

A white cisgender woman, shown here drinking a Mountain Berry Blast Powerade Woke after a tough workout and just prior to defunding all of the police 

 

"We are fully invested in speaking to and for a diverse population with our more inclusive product line," Perez explained. "And for anyone looking to protest systemic racism or challenge the patriarchy this Summer, Powerade Woke is the ideal way for the underrepresented and their allies to Cancel Dehydration™."

The Coca-Cola Company, who recently faced criticism from conservative politicians when they came out in opposition to a controversial Georgia voting law, are not the only corporation to implement product changes in response to societal shifts in awareness of social justice issues. Some experts, like Real America Group's social science chief Mumphrey Bobart, don't believe that these changes are based in genuine concern. "First it was that Ben & Jerry's MeTootti Frutti™ flavor and the Ruth Bader Ginsburger Meal® at McDonald's. Then Disneyland came out with the Black Lives Matterhorn ride last year. Now it's Powerade Woke? Can't you see it's all just marketing!"

Area Dog Boy's Death Raises Awareness of the Dangers of Stage Hypnosis.....

Cankerton, OH - The tragic life of Andy Andrews, known by many around Cankerton as Andy the Dog Boy, came to an end this week, inspiring local activists and helping to raise awareness of the potential dangers of inappropriate stage hypnosis.

A toddler, shown here still believing that he is a successful businessman after a botched stage hypnotism performance and just prior to buying 500 shares of GameStop and...a Bitcoin?

"Andy was a curious boy and always the first person to volunteer for just about anything," Andy's younger sister and caretaker Mildred Andrews explained. "When he went up on stage that day, we just thought it was harmless fun. We didn't know it could stick....nobody warned us."

That day in the Summer of 1955, at the Cankerton Pawpaw Festival, 10-year-old Andrews and his family attended the performance of travelling stage hypnotist Lance the Outrageous. After volunteering to participate in the show, Andy was hypnotized into believing that he was a dog. In a write up for the Cankerton Abattoir, the now shuttered local newspaper, Andy was described as being easily put into a state of deep sleep and as having begun barking immediately after Lance the Outrageous clapped his hands three times.

"There was my big brother Andy barking and carrying on like a dog and we all had a good laugh," Mildred Andrews remembered as she cradled the fire hydrant shaped urn containing Andy's ashes. "But we figured something wasn't right when he wouldn't stop sniffing Mayor Bronson's crotch after that charlatan clapped his hands three more times. He just kept clapping and Andy kept sniffing. I still hear it some nights while I'm trying to fall asleep. Clap clap clap. Sniff sniff sniff."

Lance the Outrageous wasn't a fraud. He was a fully certified stage hypnotist that had delighted crowds all over western east Ohio for years. But, as the family of Andy Andrews came to learn, he was not trained in pediatric stage hypnotism. In 1955, no state or federal law made a distinction between adult and pediatric subjects, a one-size-fits-all approach decried by the American Academy of Pediatrics' Section on Carnival and State Fair Medicine. 

"Children are not merely small adults," Mort Fishman, pediatrician and Chief of Pediatric Hypnotism at The Cleveland Clinic, explained. "The brain of a child is different than the brain of an adult. It's more adaptable but also more malleable and more sensitive. We have developed pediatric protocols that help prevent sticking. That's what we call it...what happened to that dog boy. His mind got stuck in the dog state. I came up with that, by the way. Sticking. It's pretty good, right?"

According to Fishman, sticking is surprisingly common, occurring during 1 out of every 40 to 50 stage hypnotism routines involving a child, and it is always permanent. "There are no documented recoveries from sticking. There are no successful therapies. No reverse hypnosis. That's why we focus on prevention by educating families about the risks and offering pediatric focused training for performers."

As the weeks passed, Andy's family sought treatment from psychiatrists, neurologists, and other stage hypnotists but nothing worked. Andy continued to believe that he was dog well into the fall and wasn't allowed to attend school after biting a classmate and urinating on a flag post. Refusing to institutionalize him, Andy's parents accepted that their boy was likely gone forever and began to adapt to their new life. 

Andy would never leave his childhood home again, spending most of his days watching cars and people pass by and occasionally chasing squirrels or harassing the neighbor's cat. After his parents passed away, his sister took over as his caretaker and legal guardian. Last week, Andy escaped the yard one final time and was hit by a passing bus, dying while doing what he loved most.

Andy may be gone, but his death has inspired local activists like Camelton Evans to try to prevent any more children from being harmed by improper stage hypnotism. "Whether it's believing that they are a dog, a duck, or tiger. Or that the room is really cold. Or that they don't have any clothes on. Whatever the false belief may be, I'm not going to rest until no child becomes stuck believing it. Not one."

Improper Mask Fit Linked to Serious Health Concerns.....

 San Diego, CA - Along with the lockdowns and layoffs that many have suffered through during the coronavirus pandemic, the nation's leading chiropractic organization is warning Americans about a surprising increase in lower back pain, among other health concerns, caused by poorly fitting masks.

A women with a headache caused by a poorly fitting face mask, shown just prior to her metamorphosis into a mindless husk as the interdimensional energy parasite burrowed deep in her brain awakens and begins to feed

"It's more than just back pain," San Diego chiropractor Ember Tacklebox explained. "It's jaw pain, neck stiffness, eye tension, upper back pain, and headaches. And that's if you're one of the lucky ones. That's if you live. And if you don't turn...into one of them."

Why would a simple cloth or paper face mask cause muscle aches and pains, death, or the awakening of the hibernating energy parasites that sought refuge in our bodies as their own dimension collapsed last June? According to the American Chiropractic Association (ACA), improperly fitted masks can limit the lower field of vision, causing people to tuck in their chins, shift their body position, and hold their necks and posture stiffly to maintain a line of sight. This stresses both the nervous and musculoskeletal systems, and can lead to accidents.

"I've seen teachers, healthcare workers, retail and factory workers, and even students who have come in for evaluation and treatment," Tacklebox revealed. "The loss of depth perception can cause anything from a minor bump or bruise, when walking into a pole or brick wall, to falling into an open manhole. And, yes, some people become an empty husk after being consumed from the inside by the energy parasites."

In an official ACA announcement released last week, the importance of wearing masks and social distancing in lowering the risk of catching or spreading the novel coronavirus was stressed. Tacklebox, a member of the ACA Committees on Pandemic Preparedness and Extradimensional Determinants of Health, wants the take home message to be about improving health and safety, not taking away a proven risk reduction strategy. "Don't throw the mask away! You can visit any ACA affiliated chiropractor for a fitting and a quick scan to see if you have a dormant energy parasite lodged in your brainstem."

Implantable Desubluxators Revolutionize Chiropractic Care.....

Cleveland, OH – When Mart Sinclair woke to a high pitched alarm coming from his smartphone, it wasn’t time to get ready for his job training puppies to comfort terminal pediatric cancer patients. It was time to get help. At the same time, a similar alarm was going off in the home of chiropractor Sheila Stamp. Less than an hour later, Sinclair was on a table in Stamp’s clinic and potential disaster had been averted. Sinclair was able to make it to his daughter’s piano recital the next day despite the unfair restraining disorder against him.

Sinclair, shown here using a modified Barkley maneuver to hold his spine in place while waiting for chiropractic emergency professionals to arrive

Sinclair is one of a growing number of patients electing to have a small battery-powered device implanted near their spine and designed to monitor for the development of an acute chiropractic subluxation. If detected, the spine can be stabilized by the device until a definitive treatment and payment plan can be arranged with an on call emergency chiropractic provider. Although research is ongoing, preliminary data has shown that use of an implantable desubluxator by certain high risk patients helps to ensure that they are treated within the “Golden Hour” of emergency subluxation management.

But what is a subluxation? How does an implantable desubluxator work? And which patients are most likely to benefit? For answers to these questions, and many more, I turned to a leading expert in the field of emergency spine wellness and nervous system trauma.

“When the human spine is not in a proper alignment, a patient is at risk of going into dyshomeostasis or worse,” Frank Grimes, a chiropractic trauma surgeon near Harvard, explained. “Simply put, you’ve got about an hour before the shit hits the fan, and I’m not talking about just back pain or headaches. I’ve seen a patient’s entire spinal column collapse like an accordion and then comically bob up and down as they shriek in pain. It changes you. Some patients are predisposed, but it can happen to anyone, at any time. You look a little off, do you mind if I check your spine?”

According to chiropractic science, the human body was designed to function perfectly at all times. But if the flow of information from the brain to every cell in the body is compromised by a chiropractic subluxation, we can lose the ability to maintain optimal health. This can result in a variety of health concerns such as lower back pain, headaches, asthma, and even the occasional extra chromosome 13.

While Grimes admits that there have been some disagreements over the exact definition of a chiropractic subluxation, he states that the profession isn’t exactly making it up as they go along:

“Despite what some skeptics may claim, we aren’t flying blind when it comes to spinal health. The best evidence has revealed that subluxations are a complex of functional and/or structural and/or pathological articular changes that compromise neural integrity and may influence organ system function and general health.

But while having a specific definition upon which to focus diagnostic and treatment interventions is helpful, some mysteries do still remain.

Subluxations are often thought of as a chronic condition, like adrenal fatigue or splenic ennui, and for many they are. But for some people, acute subluxations can be cause extreme symptoms. And despite 125 years of intense study and practice, chiropractors have not figured out a way to know if a newly developed subluxation will result in severe acute disease, cause chronic complaints, or become a latent condition with the possibility of causing problems in the future. Because of this uncertainty, in addition to treating patients with clearly symptomatic subluxations there has also been a focus placed on frequent checks of asymptomatic patients of all ages in order to root out any hidden subluxations.

An implantable desubluxator is not designed to be a replacement for the frequent check ups of the spine recommended by chiropractic organizations to help maintain spinal health. The purpose of the device is to catch an acute subluxation as it occurs in real time, in order to reduce the risk of any severe adverse outcomes in a select population of patients. These are people who may not have the spinal reserves that many of us take for granted.

Grimes says that he only recommends the invasive but potentially lifesaving device for about a quarter of his patients, and so far only a small percentage of those have undergone the procedure. He uses a validated severe acute subluxation risk calculator in order to help determine which patients would be most likely to benefit, but admits that there is an art to the process. “Chiropractic care is complex and every patient has unique variables that I have to take into account. Age, past medical history, and a patient’s comfort with uncertainty are key factors but there is no one size fits all approach with subluxations, except that everyone has one or will eventually have one at some point.”

You’ve probably seen videos where a chiropractor adjusts a patient’s spine, making an audible cracking sound as the bone and surrounding tissue return to a healthy position. An implantable desubluxator works in a similar fashion. Once an abnormal energy signal is detected by the device, which consists of a processing unit placed near the cervical spine and a number of wires running along the spinal column, a series of micropulses are emitted that stabilize the problem area.

Grimes says that the force generated by these micropulses is very light, about the amount required to oscillate an atom of cesium-133 between two hyperfine levels of its ground state. So there is no reason for patients or parents who are wary of aggressive high velocity adjustments to worry:

Other than the general anesthesia, potential for surgical site infection, possible rejection of the device by a patient’s immune system, significant pain during recovery, and the need for battery changes every three to six months, it’s a virtually risk free intervention that I feel very comfortable recommending for infants.

Once a patient has an implantable desubluxator placed by a chiropractic surgeon, the next step is setting up monitoring. Patients can download a smartphone application that syncs with the device in order to sound an alert when a subluxation occurs, and to track various other spinal health parameters such as the rate and rhythm of cerebrospinal fluid flow. And similar to how a home alarm system works, patients will typically sign a contract with a monitoring company, such as the Boston based SpineSafe USA, that in addition to alerting the patient to any abnormal alignments will also arrange for 24-7 emergency chiropractic treatment if necessary.

I revisited Mart Sinclair a week after his acute subluxation was picked up by his implantable desubluxator. Still a bit shaken by the experience, but thankful for a new lease on life, Sinclair was happy to sing the praises of the technology. “I don’t know if I’d be here with this device, and without SafeSpine USA. To me that’s worth any price. Yes, I would recommend it to anyone who is worried about this kind of thing.”

New Survey Finds Fewer Teens Being Followed by Sex Demons.....

Atlanta, GA- A newly published CDC study on the sexual habits of adolescents comes as a bit of good news in these dark times. Though thousands of Americans continue to die every day from COVID-19, with many more facing an uncertain future after becoming infected with the novel coronavirus, fewer teenagers are being followed by shape shifting sex demons.

A group of American teenagers, shown here celebrating both a freedom from all personal responsibility and their invulnerability to all disease, trauma, and general life dissatisfaction.

"This really is great news," Mort Fishman, a doctor of clinical demonology and lead author of the study, explained. "But it's not a reason for anyone under the age of 25 to let their guard down. Remember that when you sleep with someone, you are sleeping with everyone that they ever slept with, and it only takes one asshole with a sex demon problem to ruin your chances of going to a good college."

The new research found that 1 in 50 teenagers were stalked by a vengeful sex demon at least once in the past year, which is a 30% decline from a decade ago. Experts, like Fishman and his colleagues near Harvard, say that the reason for the decline in these events, known as "followings", is unclear. "Perhaps it's a change in sexual behavior. We've also seen fewer teen pregnancies, for example. But maybe the entities have just been more successful, and dead kids don't respond to surveys. I love my job."

The Health Patrol with Mitch Rangler: You'll Eat More Tapioca if You Know What's Good for You.....

Mitch Rangler
A fully apprenticed Nutritionologist and President and CEO of The Health Patrol, Mitch is passionate about tapioca, tapioca based products, and preparing for the End of Days when Greb will return to chastise us for our iniquities

It seems like every year there are more and more "superfoods" being added to the list of stuff to shove down your gullet. But what even is a kumquat? And what aisle can I even find them on at the Shop and Cram on Avenue C? They sound ethnic and that's scary.

Ethnic food is scary!

For as long as I can remember, I've had a piping hot serving of tapioca every day that I've been alive. And I haven't died yet! But this ancient miracle of modern nutrition isn't a "superfood". What? That's right! Tapioca is the world's greatest ultrafood, which is even better if you asked me. And you did, or else you wouldn't be reading this post. That was a little joke to lighten the mood and to let you know that I'm a regular guy just like you and there isn't any reason not to trust me.

Trust Mitch Rangler!

When I first learned about the healing powers of tapioca, I was skeptical. I didn't fall off the turnip truck yesterday! That happened in 1927 during the Belvidere Boll Weevil festival and I've still got the scar to prove it. I'll never forget that night, or the way that Glandine Watkins nursed me back to health under the light of the full moon. We both had so much turnip wine! Sometimes I wonder what happened to her, and how different my life would be now if she hadn't joined up with that hillbilly circus what came through town the following Spring. I assume she's dead, on account that she was almost 60 at the time.  

Glandine is probably dead!

Usually when something seems too good to be true...great! I always tell people to trust their gut. I literally say that, like all the time. But I didn't want to swallow any BS along with my bowl of tapioca slurry. I needed to make sure that the benefits of this miraculous health marvel had been properly vetted. So, I turned to my good friend science for some answers.

Science is usually right!

Frequently Asked Questions about tapioca:

What is a tapioca?

Tapioca is the name for the starch extracted from the root of the Bolivian cave cactus, and has been a staple food for millions of people around the world for millennia. It is typically sold in the form of sticks or pearls and designated by it's quality grade. Grade A tapioca, which is widely considered to be the most healthy and delicious, is found and harvested by monkeys trained to detect its subtle scent as deep as 3 meters underground. Everything else is Grade B and is generally deemed fit for consumption only by orphans.

What are the amazing health benefits of tapioca?

Perhaps a better question is what aren't the amazing health benefits of tapioca. The answer is there aren't any that aren't. There aren't any benefits that aren't amazing and also of tapioca. Wait, that's confusing. Let me start over. Everything isn't an amazing health...wait...dammit. It has a lot of benefits. Forget that first part.

Regular consumption of tapioca improves the health of literally every cell in the human body. Every organ will function better, even the stupid ones like the spleen or the plectum. One science study proved that a human will achieve complete cellular homeostasis after only 3 servings of sprouted Grade A tapioca and there are even legends that tapioca has raised men from the dead. Only they ain't the same as before they died. Sure they look the same, sound the same, they even have the same memories. You wouldn't know they was different, but they ain't the same. They's different. 

Does tapioca contain chemicals?

Rest assured, tapioca contains absolutely no chemicals, no chemical bonds, no compounds, no synthetic materials, and not one single strand of DNA. It is the purest substance on Earth and it imparts that purity into everyone who eats of it...according to science. Maybe you can look science in the eye, the same science that gave us cars, space flight, and cars with computers in them, and tell it that you don't respect its opinion. Not me. I follow the science where it leads me.

Where can I learn more?

When it comes to complexities of human biology and nutritional interventions aimed at bringing about a state of True Health, you can always learn more. If you send a self-addressed and stamped envelope to The Health Patrol, I'll send you a copy of my newsletter and a coupon for a free corporeal resonance scan (CRS) if you spend more than $50 dollars on any goods or services. 

Local Woman Ends Coronavirus Pandemic in the United States by Leaving Painted Rocks in Neighborhood Parks.....

Brookline, MA- Taking a stand against the coronavirus pandemic raging across the country, Brookline resident Jan Stilton has begun leaving hand painted rocks at a number of local parks.

Stilton, shown here basking in the glory of her accomplishment and just prior to watching the entire first season of Outlander again.

"With so many people dying and losing their jobs, somebody had to rise up and do something about it," Stilton explained. "If more people fought for what they believed in, instead of cowering in fear, we wouldn't have been in this mess in the first place!"

A hand painted rock with the affirmation "You Got This" written on it, shown here mere seconds before the death of the last SARS-CoV-2 virus.

Experts in infectious disease and epidemiology, like the National Institute of Health's Mort Fishman, have been waiting for a hero like Stilton to emerge. "COVID-19 is a serious illness that has caused the untimely death of hundreds of thousands of Americans, left millions of friends and family members grieving, and severely set back our economy. It's a highly complex public health problem, the handling of which has been a disaster from day one. Thankfully...it's over. It's finally over."

More Pregnant Women are Choosing "5G Free" Deliveries.....

Waco, TX- When Jalinda Appleton sat down with her life partner, doula, and priestess midwife in November to plan out her upcoming delivery at the Steve Martin Pre-Memorial Birthing Center in Waco, she had a lot of things to worry about. Would she deliver in a birthing tank with or without dolphins? Would she have a natural delivery augmented by a live band or a DJ? Would the birthing suite have enough light for the daguerreotypist she had hired to capture the moment her child comes forth into the world on a photosensitive silver-plated copper sheet?

Early attempts at protecting newborn infants from radiofrequency electromagnetic fields were clumsy and did not protect the face, which many babies use for breathing and eating. 

But there was one problem that Appleton wouldn't have to worry about. Like a growing number of mothers in the United States, she had already decided to have a "5G Free" delivery, believing that it would give her new baby the best start in life. But what exactly is a 5G Free delivery, and why are you a terrible mother for not choosing it yourself? The answer can be found using science, a 5,000-year-old practice that has been traced back to ancient Egypt and Mesopotamia.

"There are thousands of scientific studies showing that electromagnetic fields are harmful to humans," Mort Fishman, a radiologist near Stanford and a member of the White House Science Force, explained. "You wouldn't let your baby stare into the sun, right? Or put them in a microwave. Why would you expose them to any non-ionizing radiation. It's radiation!"

In the past, new parents that were wary of their baby developing health problems caused by electromagnetic fields had to wrap them from head to toe in foil blankets. But this made normal newborn activities like breathing, eating, and silent judging more difficult, so parents would frequently leave the face uncovered. Many of these babies went on to develop a host of ailments like asthma, ADHD, autism, and cancer. And virtually all of them eventually died within 70-90 years.

As more women sought out more effective ways to protect their newborns from non-ionizing radiation, birthing centers and hospitals began to take notice. Conoco Phillips, a pioneer in the field of of human EMF shielding and owner of the Lil' Tots FaraDay Care in downtown Cleveland, had the idea that eventually led to the development of the 5G Free deliveries being performed today around the world. "I knew women who would bring these crude metal cages to the hospital to place around their child's bassinet, but they had to be lifted up and moved every time the baby needed to be cared for and mothers still had to rely on foil blankets when they wanted to feed or simply hold their baby. I thought to myself, they can do better than that."

And they did do better, eventually incorporating NASA grade EMF shielding capable of blocking all electromagnetic fields into the very walls of birthing centers and hospital labor and delivery units in an ingenious way. According to Phillips, the key was combining conductive polymers into a paint used to cover interior walls and ceilings. "It's powerful enough to block all EMF, including 5G. Nothing gets through this stuff. Nothing gets in, or out. Nothing."

When Appleton finally delivered her new baby, a healthy and vigorous girl named Flower Basket, she took comfort in the fact that her baby was protected from electromagnetic fields. But she was also realistic about the future. "I know that I can't protect her forever. At some point, my baby is going to be exposed. It's going to happen. But delaying the inevitable, even by just a few hours or maybe a day depending on my recovery, might be the difference between a healthy life full of promise and the inexorable decline into the emptiness of the void."

More Hospitals are Making Some Surgical Procedures 100% Virtual

Minot, ND- As cases of novel coronavirus infections rise, more hospitals in the Dakotas are choosing to make some surgical procedures 100% virtual, such as draining abscesses, skin biopsies, and uncomplicated appendectomies, in order to keep more beds available for patients with COVID-19 and other serious conditions.

A white, male physician, shown here holding a clipboard, showing his privilege, and...I don't know...mansplaining?

"We put a lot of thought into this decision," Sanford Health CEO Bill Gassen explained. "It wasn't easy, and we all feel a bit backed into a corner here, but we have to prepare for the worst. And frankly, a lot of people do this anyway in the Dakotas. It'll be fine."

Gassen further revealed that prior to each procedure a patient will receive all necessary supplies by courier. This will include a detailed discussion of the risks and benefits of the procedure in writing, as well as technical step by step instructions, and there will be pre-recorded YouTube videos available online. A board certified medical doctor or surgeon will be available via Zoom to troubleshoot any difficulties that arise, or to pronounce death.

Despite reassurances from Gassen and other hospital system administrators, not everyone is on board with the decision. Some, like orthopedic surgeon Mort Fishman, are concerned that the new policy will result in unforeseen adverse outcomes. "What if the patient, or their designated surrogate, is unable to complete the procedure? Do I still get paid?"

The Health Patrol with Mitch Rangler: It's Time to Pass That Kidney Stone Naturally.....

Mitch Rangler
A fully apprenticed Nutritionologist and President and CEO of The Health Patrol, Mitch has passed over a dozen kidney stones and helped thousands more pass them naturally, the way Greb intended

Kidney stones are one of the most common stones found in the human body, yet their origins remain a mystery. Did they develop over time because of lifestyle choices or, as I'm inclined to believe, were they put there by some kind of higher power to teach us a lesson about humanity. Either way, kidney stones are something that define us as a species. No other animal, not even the Pitted Skunk Viper, has ever been found to have kidney stones.

To make kidney stones is human!

The best time to start thinking about how you want to pass your kidney stone is before you have one. It may be hard to believe, but many people don't have a written passage plan ready to go when the waves of pain, nausea, and bloody urine hit. But thanks to thousands of years of accumulated traditional health wisdom, and even a bit of knowledge that comes to us from those fathead eggheads in their modern medical ivory towers, there are now many options to choose from. But when faced with the choice of either a life-changing experience or becoming just another overmedicalized healthcare statistic, isn't the best option clear? Do you want a beautiful memory or just a few millimeters of concreted calcium to take home in a specimen cup?

You can has both!

Natural kidney stone passage is becoming increasingly common these days. That's because there are so many amazing reasons why you should consider doing it! One of the biggest complaints that my patients have after undergoing the conventional medical approach is the lack of freedom of movement. Doctors want you to stay in bed, but a study near Harvard found that certain yoga positions increase patient satisfaction with the passage of their stone by a quartile.

Near Harvard!

With natural stone passage, you choose when and where you want to the experience to happen, whether it's at home, at work, at the gym in the car, at the grocery store, or in a suite at a holistic passage center under the care of a certified stone matron. Modern pharmaceutical and surgical interventions have risks and can be uncomfortable, but did you know that a simple 5:2 admixture of elk chyme and fern gullet can ease the passage of your kidney stone, and it always works as long as you want it to badly enough. I bet your doctor doesn't know and will probably act like your crazy if you even ask about it. I wonder why.

Doctors don't want you to know about my remedies!

As a practicing nutritionologist with centuries of experience, I can't remember any patient under my care whose kidney stone took longer to pass than it was supposed to. Each stone has a natural rhythm that should not be interfered with by chemicals, toxic shock waves, or failure to pay up front. And virtually all of my patients that have come back for a follow-up visit at The Health Patrol clinic have been satisfied with my services. 

Pay up front!

Using drugs to numb your body, or surgical procedures to remove your stone, is artificial and unnatural. Instead, make a memory that will last a lifetime. Passing your stone naturally will be an experience that you can treasure and that will inspire greatness in all you do! Natural stone passage will give you confidence in all aspects of life. You will never look back and wonder if you made the right choice. You will gaze into the future and be ready for whatever is in store. But it isn't all about you and your experience. Natural passage is also better for the stone!

Don't be so selfish!

When push comes to shove, you really have nothing to lose. That was an attempt at humor to lighten the mood and make me seem more relatable to people like you, regular dummies with no particular expertise in these things. But why not try? Come in today for my Fall Into Savings Natural Kidney Stone Passage Package. It includes a full spectral analysis, a plectal scraping, a hand muddled remedy, and free access to one of our amazing passage suites (first 15 minutes free, $50 for each additional quarter hour). Can you really put a price on the experience of a lifetime? Yes! It's $199.95!