A New Study Finds That Three Out of Every Four Colons are Haunted.....

Columbus, OH-A study published this month in the Journal of Paranormal Medicine reveals that 75% of American colons are haunted, though many are unaware of their ghostly stowaway.

A board certified gastroparapsychologist, shown here sensing the presence of a vengeful intra-abdominal poltergeist in a woman complaining of unusual feelings of movement in her lower abdomen

"We decided to finally approach the question of haunted large intestines scientifically because of the piles of anecdotal evidence we've accumulated over the years," explained Bruce Sagemiller, Project Leader of the Ohio based Paranormal Medical Research Group and expert in electronic voice phenomena (EVP). "We were surprised to find out how widespread this problem actually is, and our results have raised a lot of interesting questions."

A certified Clinical Borborygmologist, Sagemiller started by designing an airtight, skeptic proof study. After using a standard randomization technique of throwing darts at a phone book while blindfolded to identify the study population, Dr. Sagemiller made use of two separate but equally valid techniques to diagnose the presence of any phantoms or specters within the colon: cyber-dowsing and EVP. "We were extra careful because the results of many quality studies have been ignored historically because of closed-minded attacks on methodology and I didn't want something that I believe in so strongly to suffer the same fate."

Team psychic and cyber-dowser Amanda Sentelle started by running her hand-bent wire dowsing rods back and forth over a computer monitor while each participant's Facebook or MySpace profile was visible on the screen. She was then able to interpret the subtle movements of the wire, weeding out subjects with clear colons. The second stage involved recording sounds emanating from the remaining subjects' abdomens and analyzing them for the presence of ghostly messages from beyond the ileocecal valve. After this confirmation, statistical analyses led to the study conclusion that three out of every four Americans have a haunted colon.

Sagemiller is now attempting to make sense of the findings. "We don't know why these spirits have chosen to dwell in our large intestines. And we don't know what, if anything, they want from us. We do suspect that their presence may play a role in a host of medical ailments, such as irritable bowel syndrome, chronic constipation, and even painful gas." A follow-up study looking at the potential benefit of exorcism in the treatment of these conditions is already underway.

Sorghum Remains the Least Popular Cereal Crop Among Generation Z Tweens....

Omaha, NE - Despite maintaining its position as the world's 5th most important cereal crop after rice, wheat, maize, and barley, with almost 60 million metric tons of global production every year, sorghum again ranks last in popularity among American kids aged 10 to 12 years.

A non-threatening group of multi-ethnic American children between the ages of 9 and 13 years, eating food in bowls, probably free-range organic sprouted tapioca or some shit 

"We were actually a bit caught off guard by the result," Sorghum Council representative Anderson Sawyer revealed. "Apparently popularity as a livestock feed in China doesn't correlate well with the perceptions of American pre-adolescent children. I guess they aren't impressed by the fact that sorghum originated in Africa and is now grown all over the world in tropical and subtropical regions, probably because they are all a bunch of racists."

The American Grain Popularity Index (AGPI), a survey that assesses attitudes toward various grains, as well as frequency of use, is sent to all American households through the postal service every five years. Thousands of house-to-house survey workers are also used to help increase the number of completed responses. This marks the third time in a row that sorghum has come in last in popularity in this demographic.

Over the past 10 years, the Sorghum Council has invested millions of dollars into improving the grain's image, with a focus on impressing those little shits who think they know everything but literally don't know anything at all about anything. This has included celebrity endorsements from Hollywood A-listers like Anne Hathaway and Adrien Brody as well as attempts at guerrilla marketing. After the disappointing results of the last survey, they even went so far as to stage the leak of a phony sex tape involving Idris Elba and a bowl of sorghum porridge. This met with widespread criticism and left many analysts puzzled as to how a phony sex tape would increase sorghum's popularity with children.

Earth-Subprime's Senator Marmot Ozymandius, shown here in 2028 proposing legislation that would make sorghum the official grain of the United Confederacy of Boebert 

Sorghum appears to be running out of options. Some experts, like public relations consultant Alyson Ambergris, think it may be time for what she calls the "nuclear option". "Sorghum is just not going to catch up to buckwheat. It's not going to catch up to millet, spelt, or even quinoa, which is technically a seed. That's right, they can't even compete with a fucking seed. They won't catch up by trying to look good. They need to make these other grains look bad. Like Kanye West filling up his swimming pool with barley water bad. They need to get those other grains cancelled."

American Dental Association Raises Alarm Over Fentanyl Containing Toothpaste Products.....

Chicago, IL - The American Dental Association is demanding that all manufacturers of toothpaste products containing fentanyl voluntarily issue an immediate recall.

Baby Groot Sampson, shown here in a state of sublime euphoria after using Mommy's Helper brand Toothscrub for Infant Stank Mouth™ 

"Products containing fentanyl have no business being marketed for dental health," ADA president Dr. Cesar Sabates explained. "At best they only mask the symptoms of gum disease and put patients of all ages at risk of severe side effects like respiratory suppression, death, and forgetting to floss daily."

Unlike when an unfortunate clerical error resulted in the substitution of fentanyl for fluoride in several lots of Crest Gum Revitalizing Grill Polish™ in 2016, the ADA is now targeting companies that are intentionally adding the dangerous drug to their products. According to Sabates, the recall demand came only after less aggressive measures, such as denying them an ADA Seal of Acceptance, were unsuccessful. "I actually spoke to a representative from Mommy's Helper about how their product was risky and clinically useless, and do you know what he said? "Who caries?" Who caries? I caries, dammit!"

FDA Considers Fentanyl-Free Product Labeling.....

Silver Spring, MD - In response to growing fears of fentanyl tainted Halloween candy, the United States Food and Drug Administration is considering an update to food labeling regulations that will help consumers to make more informed, and ultimately safer choices.

Diners enjoying certified Fentanyl-Free foods, like this fugu sushi from the Shop & Cram on D street, won't have to worry about dangerous chemicals in their dinner

"People are really scared right now," FDA Commissioner Robert Califf explained. "Parents of small children are particularly worried that their child's next bite of a Snickers, a Mr. Goodbar, or even one of those...whatchamacallits...Mounds bars, will be their last. We've got to do something."

The proposed changes, should they go into effect, will allow manufacturers to put the "Fentanyl-Free" label on packaging for a wide range of foods, which Califf hopes will reassure consumers that the product contains at most only a very small amount of the dangerous and highly addictive drug. "The Fentanyl-Free labeling would mean that there is less than 0.5 grams of fentanyl per serving in that product, which really isn't very much at all."

DEA Issues Warning as Drug Dealers Target Fancy Children.....

Arlington, VA - The United States Drug Enforcement Agency is warning parents of fancy children to be on the lookout for artisanal gelato tainted with fentanyl.

Fancy boy Lancelot St. Blanc, shown here after a hard day at pre-school where he played with a hand-carved wooden puzzle imported from Germany and napped while listening to Vivaldi

"The dealers are adapting," DEA Administrator Anne Milgram, explained. "They are expanding their plans for targeting children, now by focusing on those fancy kids with oddly adult preferences and attitudes. You know, the weird kids whose parents are terrible and say things like, "Our sweet little Juniper has an old soul. The ones who like to watch Masterpiece with Grandma while she does her knitting. Yeah, those kids."

A selection of organic, non-GMO gelatos containing enough fentanyl to kill every fancy child in Pittsburgh

In the United States, the word gelato is typically associated with artisanal Italian ice cream made with more milk than cream and no egg yolks, giving it a denser consistency and a richer taste. According to forensic culinary pathologist Darby Philbin, gelato is rooted in a unique cultural tradition. "Gelato generally contains 6% to 9% butterfat, less air than standard American ice creams, and no fentanyl. Frankly, any non-zero ratio of fentanyl to fat is problematic."

New Musical to be Based on That Movie You Remember.....

New York City, NY - It's official! That movie you remember from your childhood is being made into a Broadway musical! 

Actor Jeremy Piven, shown here pointing at Lloyd Dobler in a scene from Say Anything and saying his memorable line, "I am Vinz, Vinz Clortho, Keymaster of Gozer. Volguus Zildrohar, Lord of the Sebouillia. Are you the Gatekeeper?" 

"Remember the parts from the movie that you sometimes reference?" cultural literacist Boof Bueller explained. "Well...they're heeeere! And by here, I mean that they are in the musical. Nobody puts those classic scenes in a corner, am I right?"

In addition to the parts of the movie you remember, the musical version will also include a number of characters, lines, and locations that don't seem right according to memory expert and psychiatrist to the stars, Mort "Hollywood" Fishman MD. "You are definitely going to question whether or not some of it was actually in the movie, but like Jeremy Piven in Say Anything or Jeremy Piven in Singles, it was. It absolutely was."

One of the most challenging things when it comes to taking a beloved intellectual property from the past and reintroducing it to a new audience is that kids these days don't even know what a good movie is anymore. Your favorite movies are classics and still hold up today. But experts in cultural literacy like Bueller are warning that there may be some changes or additions to the story that could make you a bit uncomfortable. "They won't change the heart of the story, the important plot points, or any of the famous lines, but they are definitely going to take out that scene where the main character secretly watches that girl take her clothes off."

Law Enforcement and Medical Expert Collaboration Leads to Potential Breakthrough in Anxiety Management.....

Richmond, IN - As the mental health crisis in the United States continues without an apparent end in sight, an inspiring collaboration between law enforcement and medical experts may have uncovered a potential new weapon in the battle against anxiety.

Corporal Reginald Cornelius Funk, shown here comforting a young child with a determined look that says, "I'll go to the edge of the universe, if need be, to serve and protect you." 

"It all started when one of our deputies was booking a suspect into the county jail and found a baggie of fentanyl during the pat down," Wayne County Sheriff's Officer Corporal Reginald Funk explained. "The symptoms of his contact overdose were uncannily similar to the time my daughter, Mary Pat Funk, had a panic attack."

Using the skills acquired and honed over years of investigating crimes in the Richmond area, Corporal Funk dug deep into the available literature on panic attacks at the Morrisson-Reeves public library on North 6th Street. "I learned that a panic attack is a sudden episode of intense fear that isn't based on any real danger or obvious cause. But that fear can actually result in a physical reaction that can be serious in some cases."

People suffering from a panic attack can experience a number of physical sensations and emotional reactions. This can include a feeling of imminent death, a pounding heart rate, difficulty catching one's breath, nausea, chest pain, feeling lightheaded, detachment from reality, and even loss of consciousness. Mental health experts, like part-time psychiatrist Mort Fishman MD, say it's important to recognize and manage extreme anxiety early. "Once maladaptive patterns of thinking are ingrained, anxiety conditions become more challenging to treat. I also do photography on the side, so if you have any events on the horizon I'd love to show...no...well, keep me in mind if something comes up."

A woman having either a panic attack or overdosing on fentanyl. There is just no way to know. But it's definitely one of those two things. 

Recognizing the overlap between the contact overdoses that Corporal Funk had seen in the line of duty and the symptoms of a panic attack was only the first step. But his intuitive mind made an extraordinary connection that very same day. "I've seen Narcan work miracles after a fentanyl exposure. Sometimes it takes a few doses, but the officer usually stops breathing so fast after a few minutes. Maybe it could help with a panic attack too?"

Funk then reached out to Fishman, who happened to be taking pictures at his niece's birthday party, with his revelation and the rest will surely be history. Not only did Fishman and Funk begin working on a multi-precinct clinical trial looking into the potential benefit of Narcan as a first-line treatment of panic attacks, they became close friends. And you can hear the sexy syncopation laid down by Fishman and Funk every Tuesday night at Berties Music Bar on East Main Street.

Public Service Announcement: Severe Combined Immunodeficient Cats Need Home.....

Calling All Cat Lovers! 

The LSUHSC Departmet of Internal Medicine has just completed an exhaustive 6-month research project involving cats with severe combined immunodeficiency syndrome, also known as SCIDS. The hardworking and ethical¹ scientists were able to use the cats as test subjects for a variety of experimental procedures not yet deemed safe for human subjects, thus helping to advance our understanding of the condition a little bit. And now that the testing is completed, the men and women who have worked closely with these frisky felines feel that they deserve a loving home.

Test subjects from projects such as this would typically be disposed of in a humane fashion, but these cats, though severely impaired, would make a loving pet for anyone and were just too cute and cuddly to be autoclaved². However, as they were born without a working immune system, they have necessarily lived their lives encased in a metallic, germ free environment and do have certain special needs. But despite their physical and emotional roadblocks, they love to snuggle as long as the hull of their sterile containment unit is never breached under any circumstances. If this were to occur, they would surely die within a matter of hours as their blood would quickly run rampant with a host of lethal and opportunistic microbial predators.

A complete lack of both T and B cells does not mean that these cats are deficient in fun. In fact, they love to writhe around and stare at an array of toys held safely out of reach, just outside the 3-inch porthole of their containment units. SCIDS may have reduced their humoral and cell-mediated immunity, but not their appetite³! And they love treats just as much as cats that don't immediately erupt in flames if exposed to sunlight. These playful fuzzballs go nuts over the 15 ml of vitamin rich nutrient and tuna solution injected intravenously twice daily. 

But honestly, the best part about owning one of these cats would be the satisfaction of knowing that you are making a difference in their lives⁴. And that difference would be obvious with every purr, if they had a functional larynx. We will truly miss working with these lovable cats, or as we liked to call them, test subjects 3, 8 15 39, 70, and 111.

Thanks in advance,
LSUHSC Severe Combined Immune Deficiency Feline Research Team

¹As determined by a team of ethicists at LSUHSC, the majority of which did not strenuously object to this project or quit in protest when it moved forward.
²Only one batch of cats was autoclaved as it was quickly determined that the cost of cleaning the equipment, and concerns from several staff members over being haunted at night by spectral meowing, was prohibitive.
³The cats are not technically able to eat using their remaining mouth parts, though they do appear to drool a bit when food paste is inserted into their GI tract using sterile plastic tubing.
⁴Though the cats do meet several of the historically accepted criteria for life, we consider them to be more "not dead" than really alive, which we realize might be a bit confusion but you'll see what we mean.

Authorities Warn Parents About Pets Made of Fentanyl.....

Los Angeles, CA - Authorities are warning parents to be on the lookout for phony pets that may be made out of fentanyl after an empty animal carrier testing positive for the drug was seized at Los Angeles International Airport earlier this week.

Animal carriers, possibly containing enough fentanyl to kill every pet owner in Pittsburgh, confiscated by U.S. Customs to protect children.

"When the narcotics dog alerted us to the carrier, my heart immediately sank because I knew just what the implications were," LAPD Corporal Rick Stank explained. "The thought of a child overdosing because they wanted to pet a cute puppy or kitten. It's just...it's just...evil. It's pure evil."

In addition to fentanyl being made to look like candy, today's modern drug dealers could now be using the latest advances in CRISPR gene editing to create popular household pets that secrete large amounts of the highly addictive drug in an effort to target young children. Corporal Stank, a 30-year veteran of the LAPD Narcotics Division, is asking parents to check all animals before letting their child touch them. "Fentanyl is extremely potent, so it doesn't take much to cause harm. Don't assume any pet is safe, even smaller animals like chinchillas, gerbils, or hermit crabs. Especially chinchillas." 

 

Pixar Chief Reassures the British People: "The Pumpkids movie will honor Queen Elizabeth's memory.".....

Emeryville, CA - Fans of Queen Elizabeth II, the recently deceased ruler of England and Jamaica, will hear a familiar voice this Halloween in the upcoming Pixar film, The Pumpkids Movie: Rise of the PumpKing.

The Queen, shown here recording the voice of Lady Grumpkin, made several script suggestions that were ultimately ignored by Pixar's artificial intelligence content creation program

"We couldn't have been be more thrilled or more honored to have had the opportunity to work with the queen," Pixar President Jim Morris explained. "If we had known that she only had a few months to live, we would probably have given her more lines."

The Pumpkids movie, which is based on characters from the beloved children's book series, will be the first and last time that Queen Elizabeth will lend her voice to an animated project. According to Morris, it will also be the first movie to have a script entirely written by Pixar's artificial intelligence content creation program, named Jobby in honor of Pixar's first CEO Steve Jobs. "Queen Elizabeth was a pioneer as a monarch, so it's a perfect fit for her to have been involved with a movie that will push the envelope of what it means to have a movie made with computers."

One role in animated movie production that still requires a human touch, for now, is director. In the case of The Pumpkids Movie: Rise of the PumpKing, Pixar went with a bit of an unconventional approach, hiring a team of almost thirty children between the ages of seven and thirteen who each took turns of thirty minutes. When asked about the potential for infighting with so many directors, Morris laughed. "Oh yeah, there were definitely a few times we needed to step in. But out of that pressure, from all that coal we poured into the hydraulic press that is the making of a major motion picture, I think we created a diamond."

Agnes O'Pumpkin, voiced by Dame Judi Dench's sister Trudi, will serve as the main antagonist of the film 

For those worried about the legacy of Queen Elizabeth, Morris adds one final bit of reassurance. "The queen really had a lot of fun. She loved the character of Lady Grumpkin, the ruler of Pumpkinland. She got a kick out of her sassy catch phrase and put some royal stank on it during recording. Trust me, you will be hearing that line from every kid in England in a couple weeks."

The Pumpkids: Rise of the PumpKing will hit theaters on Thursday, October 27th. Click here for a spoiler free review.