House Republicans Plan to Investigate Former First Dog Major Biden…..

Washington, D.C. - As Republican members of congress prepare to assume control of the House of Representatives, party leaders are announcing plans to investigate members of the Biden family including the former first dog.

First cat Willow Biden, shown here relaxing in the Executive Residence, declined our request for an interview

"This was an aggressive dog involved in multiple violent outbursts during his time in the White House," Kevin McCarthy, who will likely take over as Speaker of the House of Representatives in January, explained. "Some of these were part of a cover-up that we only know about because of a willowblower, I mean a whistleblower, whose identity we are protecting in order to avoid reprisals from the current administration."

In light of the revelations of numerous, unreported attacks on Secret Service agents, Republicans are expressing concern that Joe Biden, the current President of the United States and father of Hunter Biden, may have played a role in the cover-up. According to McCarthy, these attacks also raise serious concerns that the German Shepherd did not go through an appropriate vetting process before being allowed such close proximity to sensitive information. "The American people deserve to know if this is a family pet that had trouble adjusting to life in the White House, or a foreign agent with potential access to classified documents. And if so, what did Joe Biden know and when did he know it?"

Kinesiology Tape Diapers Revolutionize the Treatment of Infant Gas.....

American Fork, UT - KT Tape®, the leader in sports related drug-free pain and injury relief through the use of their advanced recovery products, is revolutionizing the baby care industry by combining their recognized kinesiology tape with standard disposable diapers.

A baby, shown here wearing a conventional disposable diaper that lacks the pelvic and abdominal muscle and soft tissue support that helps maintain an upright posture

"The disposable diaper is an amazing product that parents and other caregivers of young children depend on," KT Tape® CEO and President Gregory Venner explained. "But there hasn't been a design upgrade since the introduction of a super-absorbent polymer to the crotch in 1984."

The new diapers from KT Tape® will utilize the same "lift and lock" technology that makes their popular line of kinesiology tapes so effective. According to Venner, there is the potential for significant medical benefit in addition to the established convenience of modern disposable diapers. "Our KT Diapers® will gently, but powerfully, lift the skin and subcutaneous tissue in the pelvis and lower abdomen, improving blood flow and lymphatic drainage and helping to reduce fussiness from gas, constipation, and colic."

Helping to enable athletes and fitness enthusiasts to perform at their best has always been a fundamental guiding principle of the KT Tape® philosophy. With the introduction of KT Diapers®, this goal of improved comfort and functionality hasn't changed. They will be distributed to caregivers, medical professionals, and daycare centers through major retailers, specialty baby stores, and medical supply distributors worldwide.

"These diapers are built for performance," KT Tape® Product Design Director Lucinda Crepe explained. "Yes, they are going to help these babies feel better, function better, and probably start walking earlier than kids using conventional diapers, but they are also going to soak up a lot of urine and feces so that a baby can reliably do their business without fear of leaks or blowouts."

KT Diapers® are designed to be applied to an infant's skin by caregivers without specific training. But in order to achieve maximum benefit, Crepe revealed that some training would be necessary. "Seeking out a fully certified kinesiology taping practitioner for every diaper change isn't practical. We do recommend that caregivers undergo KT Diaper® specific training on our website in order to avoid injuries, however. And for a small annual fee, they can obtain a full certification that will give them the confidence to train others and charge for the service."

Starbucks Announces Annual Customer Survey Results.....

Seattle, WA - The Starbucks Corporation has revealed the results of their annual customer survey, and once again the most popular menu item is coffee.

A woman, shown here adding a white, powdery substance known as sugar to her coffee, which has been poured into a cup prior to consumption using her primary face hole

"The annual survey is something that we take very seriously at Starbucks," Chairperson Mellody Hobson explained. "It's a chance for customers to provide valuable feedback and an opportunity for us know if the changes we've made are appreciated."

In addition to coffee taking the top spot again this year, as it has every year since the annual survey process began in 1992, Starbucks customers chose their favorites among several other categories, such as "What's your favorite utensil?" and "What do you wipe your mouth with?"*. According to Hobson, the most useful information often comes from a focus on the little details that other coffee shops might not pay attention to. "Coffee is definitely a Starbucks customer favorite, and that's really important for us to know. But based on the survey, a lot of people really enjoy putting stuff into their coffee too."

Not everyone who drinks coffee enjoys it quite the same way, though some approaches are more popular than others. Consumption analysts at Starbucks' corporate office in Seattle, like Jode Dockerson, use data collected from the annual customer survey as well as independent research on coffee trends to make recommendations to the product engineering team, who then pitch potential new menu items to the Executive Menu Development office. "I was actually here when the '94 survey dropped and we were all like...sugar? And people still put it in their coffee today."

*Customers ranked drinking straws and napkins number one in these categories.

More Millennial Women are Questioning Outdated Pregnancy Practices....

San Francisco, CA - As increasing numbers of millennial women are choosing to have children, many are questioning some long held assumptions about pregnancy.

A pregnant human millennial, shown here ordering a bucket of pickles and turkey gravy on Uber Eats and seriously considering a fourth accent pillow, maybe red?

"Millennial women currently account for more than 90% of births in the United States," Mort Fishman MD, an obstetrician and the author of Millennial Moms: How the Internet and 9/11 Changed the Way We Approach Pregnancy and Childbirth in the New Millenium, explained. "This is a generation of women that were raised during a time of great social and technological change. They saw the birth of the internet, and they believe that the birthing process should be more collaborative and open to new ideas."

The way that human culture has approached pregnancy and childbirth has been fairly fixed, likely for thousands of years but for at least the last fifty. This doesn't sit well with many millennial women, like San Francisco millennial Juniper Poppy Miller, who bristle at being told that their pregnancy has to fit into a mold envisioned by older generations. "Millennials are inherently curious. We seek out and excel at accepting change.  If there is a more efficient way to accomplish a goal, we don't let tradition get in the way of progress. Take the human gestation of 9 months. Why 9 months? Why can't I have a pregnancy that fits into my lifestyle rather than the other way around?"

Hallmark Channel Announces Plans to Produce Even More Inclusive Series and Movies.....

Studio City, CA - The Hallmark Channel has announced that it will be moving forward with plans to create even more inclusive programming in 2023, with a major focus on niche societal subcultures.

Hallmark's Throuple Trouble, a romance about three gay witches who move to Salem to open a Halloween themed vegan bakery, will air on November 18th at 7 p.m.

"I couldn't be more proud of the progress we have made over the past two years under my leadership," Hallmark Media President and CEO Wonya Lucas explained. "We have increased diversity both in front of and behind the camera, and picked some low hanging fruit by introducing gay characters and more shows that feature people of color. And we will continue to strive to produce programming that all viewers can see themselves in, because everybody is welcome at Hallmark. And by everybody, I mean everybody."

Ever since the series finale of the series Good Witch featured the network's first lesbian kiss in 2021, Hallmark executives have been looking for ways to increase interest in the channel among members of other underrepresented groups. According to Lucas, Hallmark television programming shouldn't be any different than the cards you can find in a Hallmark store. "There are cards for the LGBTQ community, people of different ethnic backgrounds, believers in a variety of world religions, and so many more. I mean, if you can buy a bespoke birthday card for the naturist in your life, wouldn't they also appreciate seeing a character practicing non-sexual social nudity on an episode of When Calls the Heart?"

In the past, Hallmark programming has been criticized for having simplistic and unrealistic plots with thinly written characters that are flat and lifeless. Some have pointed out that Hallmark characters might be conventionally attractive, but they are essentially caricatures of people who might be found living in the real world. The dialogue, sometimes described as insipid drivel, sounded as if it was written by people who have never actually had a conversation with an actual human.

Lucas, who assumed control of Hallmark Media in August of 2020, has made it her mission to change the minds of Hallmark haters by working to develop characters that are more complex and more relatable. "When you watch a movie or an episode of a series, you want to see someone who you can identify with. That character might be caught up in an unusual situation, but if we've done our job you will imagine yourself in their shoes and wonder how you would handle it."

In addition to crafting more relatable characters, Hallmark plans to push the boundaries of storytelling and explore what it means to love and to be a family in a more authentic and inclusive way. Lucas believes that depth and dimension requires a story that defies common stereotypes. "We want to truly represent the human condition in a meaningful way. We want to represent real lives. That's what makes a compelling viewing experience."

Here are a few of the upcoming Hallmark movies set to air in 2023:

Home Birth Holiday - A widowed midwife who has begun to lose confidence in herself, Janice returns home to snow-covered Vermont. She soon finds a new perspective and some Christmas cheer when she meets a handsome paramedic after a baby dies during a botched home birth.

Tiny House, Big Heart - Recently engaged Vivian buys a tiny house that can magically grant wishes. As Vivian and her beloved Clara begin to make a new home together, they come to realize that living with love can be just as powerful as living with less.

The Eight Piercings of Hanukkah - An anonymous suitor sends body piercing optometrist Sara a different Hanukkah themed nipple clicker for each of the holiday's eight nights, and on her journey to find her secret admirer, she learns that her one true love might be someone she never expected.

Physician-Assisted Romance - When Liz returns home to take care of her ailing satanist father in California, she is determined to give him the perfect Lupercalia before his physician-assisted home suicide. But Dr. Death becomes Dr. Love after they are snowed in during a powerful blizzard.

Fetish Fantasy - After unexpectedly moving to Alaska, an ambitious furry starts a new romance with a local brony and learns that his small town is hiding a kinky secret: they're all into it.

Results of New Study Leave Experts Baffled.....

Near Harvard - A recently published study that was based on experiments performed by scientists in a lab near Harvard has revealed surprising new findings.

Scientist Steve, shown here smiling in his science lab and probably about to say something really funny. Classic Steve!

"We didn't see this coming at all," Lead researcher Clancy Clump explained. "Not even Steve. He was all like, "What...no way. Now that's a spicy meatball!" That's like Steve's catchphrase and he does this stupid voice. Steve is hilarious."

One of the most important aspects of high quality science is replication. A single result can be an outlier and should only rarely be the final word. Even the most dedicated scientist can make a mistake or be influenced by belief and bias, and some unusual findings can even come about based on chance alone. 

After taking some time to process the study's unexpected results, the research team is back at work on a new project aimed at replicating or falsifying them. According to Clump, it's important to keep moving forward and to avoid being distracted by research that catches you off guard. "We are professional scientists and a fundamental aspect of what we do is...Steve, stop it! I'm talking to a guy about that study. I know, right? That was nuts!"

American Academy of Pediatrics Introduces Guidelines on Intrauterine Screen Time.....

Itasca, IL - The American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) has published a policy statement on the risks and benefits of intrauterine screen time with recommendations on daily limits.

A pregnant woman, shown here agonizing over the decision to allow her unborn child to watch an episode of The Big Bang Theory as recommended by the League of Evil Pediatricians

"This is a complicated issue and expectant parents have been asking for clear and concise recommendations from non-evil pediatric medical experts that they can trust," AAP President Lee Beers, MD explained. "These recommendations might not please everyone, but they are the result of a fair assessment of the available science."

Consistent with previous recommendations on screen time for children that have been born already, the AAP is calling for no screen time at all for a developing fetus at any gestational age, even when the pregnancy has extended beyond the expected due date. According to Mort Fishman, Chairperson of the AAP Section on Media and the Unborn Child, one possible exception is video chatting. "It can be a meaningful experience with significant psychosocial benefit that could increase maternofetal bonding. I mean, if there is even a chance that it improves breastfeeding it's worth it, right?"

Not all experts agree with the AAP stance, with some using complicated words like exorbitant and draconian, which I'm pretty sure they made up. Baroness Helga von Kuddelmuddel MD, a member of the League of Evil Pediatricians, calls the research backing up the AAP guidelines correlational, cross-sectional, or based only on self-report. "Fishman and the AAP are using studies that lump all forms of screen time together into once category, and I will destroy them!"

Both the AAP and the League of Evil Pediatricians agree that it is challenging to isolate the effects of screens from other potentially harmful intrauterine variables, like what medications the mother took during pregnancy, what food she ate, or if she had any negative thoughts or emotions at any point. It wouldn't even need to be a particularly bad thought either. von Kuddelmuddel explained that a randomized controlled trial in which fetuses were exposed to varying amounts of screen time, and then followed for years after delivery to assess health outcomes, would be expensive and likely unethical. "Mostly it's the cost though. Ethics aren't exactly a priority with the League of Evil Pediatricians."

Universe Likely Really Stupid According to New NASA Research.....

Washington, D.C. - NASA scientists have published a paper explaining the reason that we haven't been visited by any advanced alien civilizations -- they are all idiots.

Complete shit for brains Supreme Galactic Overlord Zorg XII, shown here clicking on the link in an email from Amazon.info.ru about his account being suspended

"These civilizations, if they exist, are all incredibly stupid," NASA Administrator Bill Nelson explained. "The universe is vast and it would be foolish to assume that it isn't overflowing with alien morons that haven't evolved to a point where they can fly a kite, let alone a highly advanced interstellar craft capable of travelling at speeds approaching light. Dumbasses." 

The research team, which is based at the Jet Propulsion Laboratory (JPL) in Southern California, hypothesizes that in addition to being a bunch of imbeciles that think a parsec is a unit of time, alien life throughout the cosmos also probably thinks a hyperdrive is a propulsion system that forgot to take its Ritalin. According to JPL Director Dr. Lauri Leshin, we shouldn't underestimate just how dumb the aliens species out there are. "We don't know if these fuckwads even have a brain architecture remotely similar to ours, but they almost certainly wouldn't have two neurons to rub together between all of them."

Vermont State Police Issue Warning About Limited Edition Holiday Fentanyls.....

Waterbury, VT - Officials from the Vermont State Police (VSP) have issued a warning to be on the lookout for limited edition holiday fentanyls that could be flooding craft fairs, farmers markets, and cozy small town coffee shops in Vermont this fall.

A ceramic serving dish, shown here holding enough candy cane fentanyl to kill every man, woman, and child who plays Christmas music before Thanksgiving in Pittsburgh

"Not everyone is going to be a fan of these limited edition fentanyls," VSP Director Matthew T. Birmingham explained. "But some people are going to get really excited about this stuff, especially the one called Pumpkin Spice, and they will probably be pretty obnoxious about it until after Thanksgiving."

Psychologists have been exploring the roots of the national obsession with certain fall scents and flavors for decades. According to social psychologist Emerald Sinclair, there were fanatics long before Starbucks introduced its Pumpkin Spice Latte in 2003. "People love to be reminded of the changing leaves, time with family, their childhood home, and the joy that this season brings. And those warm feelings of nostalgia will be the last thing they experience as their brain begins to shut down from a lack of oxygen."

Spontaneous Human Combustion Now A Chronic Condition.....

Stockholm, Sweden - Researchers at the prestigious Swedish Institute of Modern Hyperdilutional Therapeutics (SIMHT) have announced a breakthrough in the diagnosis and management of spontaneous human combustion (SHC), a condition long considered to be undetectable and incurable.

Based on research at SIMHT, one of these people is at risk of erupting into a giant fireball at some point in their lives, and likely when they least expect it...like now! Or now! You should have seen the look on your fa...(the caption writer bursts into flames)

"SHC patients typically are only identified after a pile of greasy ash and singed hands and feet are discovered by a landlord or family member," lead researcher Scotch Magnusson explained. "But with our recent advances in screening for SHC, and prophylactic hyperdilutional therapy, people don't need to live in fear of unexpectedly erupting into flames anymore."

Until now the possibility of developing SHC, a condition which many experts believe originated in Africa when spontaneous simian combustion was transferred from non-human primates to humans while training chimpanzees to participate in early NASA suborbital flight missions, has deserved its terrifying reputation. Unlucky sufferers are often simply minding their own business while unwinding with a bottle of liquor and a cigarette after a long day. Adding to the mystery and suspense is the fact that there has never been a witnessed case, which has helped lead to a variety of unproven etiological hypotheses such as ball lightning, a new subatomic particle, or thinking that your sister is kind of sexy, even if just for a second or two before you catch yourself.

After more than a year of intensive research and testing, Magnusson and his colleagues at SIMHT developed and validated a screening test for SHC. According to Magnusson, the test consists of a panel of fifty questions and takes family history, environmental exposures, diet and a number of other factors into account. But identifying who is at risk is only half the battle. "A screen is only helpful if we can offer the patient a solution so that they don't have to sleep in a tub of water."

The team also formulated a cocktail of specially prepared plant and animal parts with the intent of preventing SHC events in high risk patients. Mangusson, who was unwilling to reveal any of the ingredients, wasn't shy about touting their success and pointing out the obvious implications. "We are taking people, usually the elderly or infirm, who at any moment, though usually when smoking alone while sedated from the use of drugs or alcohol, might have literally melted to death and we are giving them their lives back. And as long as they continue the preventive treatment, we expect them to live long enough to die of something much less exciting...like cancer."