New Research Finds Placebo Effect More Powerful in Cool People.....

 Boston, MA - Research out of Harvard's Program in Placebo Studies and the Therapeutic Encounter (PiPs) at Beth Israel Deaconess Medical Center in Boston is helping to remove a bit of the mystery from the placebo effect, finding that it is more effective in cool people.

Ted "The Hammer" Kaptchuk, shown here in 1987 being much cooler than all the other professors at Harvard could even dream of, doesn't care that he wasn't invited to Jan's Friendsgiving last week

"Placebo can be a powerful medical intervention in about 40% of people," PiPs director Ted Kaptchuk explained. "Until now, which 40% are going to be most likely to benefit from it hasn't been clear. Going forward we can now begin to wield this powerful tool like a scalpel instead of a hammer. Wouldn't that be a cool nickname though? The hammer?"

After anesthesiologist Dr. Henry Beecher discovered the placebo effect when his jug of morphine accidentally tipped over while treating people who exploded during World War 2, it was incorporated into medical research in order to see who was a Russian spy. They quickly realized, however, that their supposedly inert fake treatments worked in a large percentage of subjects, even women. This lead to a revolution in healthcare because any asshole could just up and cure people using placebo instead of going to all four years of medical school.

Despite its promise to take health out of the hands of the elite doctors in their ivory towers and give it to regular people, like chiropractors and psychic healers, not everyone responded to placebo. According to Kaptchuk, increasingly complicated forms of placebo were invented in the hopes of capturing the 60% of people who weren't being helped. "These people were all like, 'I'm a skeptic and placebos don't work on me. Logical fallacy. You did a logical fallacy!' But despite their bad attitudes, we still wanted to help them."

The new research involved randomizing people suffering from grimp into either a placebo group that received a dose of "Nogrimpatol", a sugar pill designed to look like an actual medication, or one that underwent the standard fecal replacement therapy. They then asked subjects to score themselves on a 5-point Likert scale from "I'm a total Urkel!" to "Aaay, I'm cooler than Fonzie!". The Hammer, who supervised the recruitment and statistical analysis for the study, wasn't surprised by the results. "People who fell into the Fonzie group, but also those that were in the slightly less cool MacGyver range, responded most to the placebo intervention. This explains why I have always been so sensitive to them myself and why they don't work on Jan."

More Hospitals Develop Neonatal Mindfulness Programs.....

Houston, TX - As rates of opioid withdrawal in newborn infants continue to rise in the United States, more hospitals are developing neonatal mindfulness programs to help these young patients with symptom management.

A certified neonatal mindfulness coach, shown here helping newborn Jiminy Miller harness the intent to evaluate how he feels

"Few experiences in medicine are as morally fatiguing as watching a baby suffer through the symptoms of opioid withdrawal," Mort Fishman, MD, a neonatologist and certified neonatal mindfulness coach at Texas Children's Hospital (TCH) in Houston, explained. "We are always looking for effective options that reduce discomfort and the amount of time that a baby stays in the hospital, and that don't require lengthy courses of oral medications. I couldn't be happier with the success of our mindfulness program."

Neonatal mindfulness is more than simply a means of creating meaningful lifestyle changes in babies that are less than a month old. According to Fishman, there are several proven layers of intervention that combine to achieve a powerful effect. "Intentional breathing, focused awareness, and the acceptance of their experience is key to overcoming dependence. These sessions take place as often as needed to assist each baby in taking ownership of their thoughts."

Each baby that is enrolled in a neonatal mindfulness program is monitored closely by hospital staff, as well as a caregiver whenever available. Specific signs of withdrawal, such as sweating, tremors, or diarrhea, are less of a focus than with other approaches to withdrawal. Instead, Fishman adds, we pay close attention to successful feeding, their ability to sleep, and how difficult it is to console the baby:

We look at the individual baby, how they are doing from a holistic perspective, and if these key determinants of self-actualization are being impacted by having been exposed to opioid medications during intrauterine development. And honestly, we have a pretty low threshold to intervene.

When a baby's nurse or caregiver feels like help is needed, they begin with fundamental actions that help to establish an environment where mindfulness has the best chance to succeed. This includes skin-to-skin contact or snug swaddling, frequent feeding, and holding the baby in a quiet room with low light and minimal noise. This control of the baby's environment allows them to focus on reflection and observation, which is a foundation upon which they might better be able to make informed decisions and to respond with agency rather than simply lashing out emotionally.

5-day-old Whilliker Smith, shown here failing to establish a non-judgmental attitude and a reconnection with intention

Neonatal psychologists, experts in a new but increasingly acknowledged field, have written on the importance of experience and choosing peaceful reactions to environmental variables that might seem out of the baby's control. Nance Rothfield, a neonatal psychologist and head of the mindfulness program at TCH, believes that a newborn's ability to choose how they respond to people, thoughts, emotions, and events is an innate skill that they all possess. "Baby's are explorers, not only of their environment but of the vast inner workings of their own subconscious mind. Their ability to develop characteristics of mindfulness flows as they test out new ways to adjust their behaviors. It's a natural and beautiful thing."

According to Rothfield, the characteristics of mindfulness come in phases, the first and most important of which is intention. "Once established, intention flows into attention, the harnessing of intention to assess our own feelings. Finally comes a non-judgmental attitude that dictates how we respond to distractions and detours in our lives, ideally with emergence and a reconnection. When that becomes an automatic response, they usually find that they don't need the opioids in their lives anymore."

New Research Links Parenting Choices to Future Bad Outcomes in Children.....

Atlanta, GA - Experts are warning parents to be extra cautious as new research confirms that even minor parenting choices can have serious negative future consequences for their children.

Parenting expert Pete Peters, shown here in 1957 developing his groundbreaking approach to child development

"This research is robust and consistent with my previous research, except now it is even more clear that the kind of parenting decisions that might ruin a child's life don't have to seem like a big deal at the time," Pete Peters, a behavioral psychologist, parenting expert, and founder of the Tomorrow's Kids Now Institute in Atlanta, explained. "Seemingly inconsequential decisions can, and almost certainly will, irrevocably change the direction of your child's life. One wrong choice and Timmy goes from future architect to future meth addict."

Previous research had shown that parents and other caregivers play an important role in shaping the lives of the young children in their care. But according to Peters, the author of How Parents are Usually to Blame (1963) and Parents: It's Still Almost Always Their Fault (1970), it is challenging to design a study that fully uncover how shockingly minor these unknowingly important choices can be in the real world. "It really could be literally anything you say to your child or do around them. Even reading this article could set them on the path to a life of criminality and sexual deviancy."

Despite the extremely heavy burden that caregivers of young children carry, Peters does offer up some hope for the future. In his latest book, Your Parents Made You This Way (2022), he reveals that parents can benefit from understanding that their failures and inadequacies won't impact later generations of children. "These ruined children will grow up and ruin the lives of their own children, and that won't be your fault. Unless...wait a second...now that I think about it. It is!"

What is Fishman's Triangle and Why is it So Dangerous?

When you think of triangles, what do your think of? The Bermuda Triangle? Coat hangers? A slice of pizza? A slice of cake? A different slice of pizza? Okay, you can stop thinking about triangles now!

You probably didn't think about your chest just now. But when it comes to human health, there is one very important triangle that you shouldn't be obtuse about. Don't worry though, this article won't isosceleave anything out. In fact, there is some very important information right ahead.

A typical American man, shown here demonstrating Fishman's Triangle

Imagine an upside down triangle with the base connecting your nipples and your belly button as the apex. Known formally as Fishman's Triangle, but often referred to as the "triangle of despair", it's the one place on the body that should strike fear in the hearts of all humanity. It has been implicated in the death of virtually every living human since we first crawled out of the swamps four to five thousands years ago.

Mort Fishman, MD, shown here holding the clipboard passed down through his family for thousands of years and that some believe grants him magical powers*

Cardiopulmonary Gastronephrologist Mort Fishman, MD, who first described the connection between this area of the human body and our inevitable mortality, explains why the triangle of despair poses such a risk and how to avoid complications.

What's so bad about the triangle of despair?

Think of this specific region as a direct line to important organs like the heart, lungs, intestines, and kidneys. That's because of blood vessels, a largely misunderstood network of small tubes that carry blood around the human body. Even though your can't see them, blood vessels run throughout your body tissues and often make direct connections between areas that are pretty far apart, like the left ear and the plectum.

Any medical problem in Fishman's Triangle, from a glubulated heart valve to a penetrating upper abdominal wound, has a chance of spreading to other vital organs.

"There is a chance, though sometimes admittedly it isn't a particularly big one, that even a routine lung infection could eventually impact the rest of your body," Dr. Fishman says.

Can it really kill you?

Hey now, don't worry too much. You probably won't just up and die because of small flesh wound or a minor kidney stone. But technically, I can't say that you definitely won't. It might even happen right now.

"The good news is that dying from something in my triangle is unlikely at any given moment," Dr. Fishman adds. "But something in there has almost certainly as least started to move in that direction, and it's going to get you eventually. And I suppose it could be any minute. Maybe even right now. Who's to say?"

A hysterical woman, shown here clutching her Fishman's Triangle and complaining of severe chest pain that is probably just caused by emotional stress and she should try some deep breathing and get a hold of herself because she's making a scene in front of all these nice people

In rare cases, but enough to make you think about it while trying to fall asleep tonight, even seemingly inconsequential problems in Fishman's Triangle could become catastrophic, like an infected hair follicle or a large blood clot in your pulmonary artery. Fishman's Triangle has been associated with a variety of serious and potentially life-threatening health issues, including:

- Heart attacks

- Lung attacks

- Passive-aggressive bowel disease (PABD)

- Adrenal fatigue

- Splenic ennui

- Disillusioned kidneys

- Storchus

- Plectal derangement

As long as these problems are caught in time, they are often treatable. If a patient dies despite appropriate treatment, they probably just didn't seek help in time or they didn't fight hard enough. 

When to see your doctor

If you have health concerns involving the triangle of despair, monitor them closely and pay constant attention to your overall health for any worrisome changes in the way you feel. Research near Harvard has proven that even a slight decrease in energy levels or a mild ache or pain can be a warning sign of imminent collapse of multiple organ systems. Panic and seek help immediately!

"The problem may start off small but start to get bigger, spreading to other organs and regions of the body, like the genitals or feet," Dr. Fishman explains. "And you will probably start to feel much worse. And don't listen to people who try to reassure you that you seem fine and maybe you should try to relax. See a doctor as soon as possible for diagnosis and treatment."

*Be sure to check out The Fishman Files, a brand new reality show that takes the viewer on a journey of discovery as Dr. Mort Fishman cures the ill and fights off evil spirits, all while raising his autistic nephew whose parents disappeared mysteriously while sailing through the Bermuda Triangle. The Fishman Files, Sundays at 8 on The History Channel.

Cajun Scientists One Step Closer to Lab-Grown Turducken.....

Maurice, LA -  Using recovered DNA to "genetically resurrect" an extinct species sounds like the plot of a science fiction novel written by Michael Crichton, but scientists at a genetics lab in Vermilion Parish are moving closer to making this fiction a reality by bringing back the wild turducken thousands of years after the last of the unusual bird hybrids disappeared from the swamps of South Louisiana.

Celebrity Chef Gerry Firebottom, shown here next to a turducken in the kitchen of his flagship Las Vegas restaurant, Firebottom's Flavorblaster Express Train to Flavor City, USA and Grill

Thanks to generous donation from Louisiana State University and Boudreaux's Meat and Seafood Market, Cajun biologist Pirogue Mamou, who is known for his pioneering work in nutria mating habits, believes that his lab will soon take the first steps into a new era where the majestic turducken's gobbles, quacks, and clucks can once again be heard throughout the bayous and other waterways of the Deep South. "This has been a dream of mine every since my MawMaw first told me about them turduckens back when I was juste un petit enfant."

What many people don't realize is that the turducken that is served on Thanksgiving and Christmas platters around the country is actually a culinary mash-up that was first popularized by Chef Paul Prudhomme in the 1980s and isn't a wild turducken. Instead, this holiday meal showstopper is created by stuffing a deboned chicken inside of a deboned duck and then stuffing both inside of a deboned turkey, often with cornbread dressing or pork stuffing added between the layers. It's delicious, but it never actually lived in the wild and strutted, waddled, or did that awkward thing where chickens hop around and flap their wings.

The work being proposed by Dr. Mamou involves a hybrid created with the help of CRISPR-Cas9, a gene-editing tool that can splice bits of DNA recovered from frozen turducken specimens into a wild turkey, the turducken's closest living relative. The resulting animal, which is being called the chidurckey, won't be a true turducken in the genetic sense, but it would theoretically look and behave like one. And most importantly, it would taste like one.

"First we created a turkey with a duck inside of it, mais c'était facile cher," Mamou explained. "The final hurdle was much trickier, but with the gene editing capabilities of CRISPR-Cas9, we are now very close to that thing being born with a chicken up its ass."

Despite the promise of the return of the turducken, not all experts are on board. Some, like vertebrate paleontologist Beatrice Downer, sees promise in perfecting the early steps of the process but questions whether the turducken is a worthwhile focus of the technology. "Even if the researchers in Louisiana can bring back turduckens, and it isn't entirely clear that this will be successful, I have to ask...should they? Should they do this when there are so many delicious species that are still around but currently endangered, like the gurducken, the cowpigen, and the Appalachian flying squirrel."

Dr. Mamou isn't planning on letting the objections of other scientists slow down research that he sees as extremely important and highly personal. "Who are they to decide which species is more deserving of existence? Or whose culture is more deserving of a chance to return to its roots. They can do their own work and leave the turduckens to me and my team down here on the bayou. Laisse-moi tranquille!"

House Republicans Plan to Investigate Former First Dog Major Biden…..

Washington, D.C. - As Republican members of congress prepare to assume control of the House of Representatives, party leaders are announcing plans to investigate members of the Biden family including the former first dog.

First cat Willow Biden, shown here relaxing in the Executive Residence, declined our request for an interview

"This was an aggressive dog involved in multiple violent outbursts during his time in the White House," Kevin McCarthy, who will likely take over as Speaker of the House of Representatives in January, explained. "Some of these were part of a cover-up that we only know about because of a willowblower, I mean a whistleblower, whose identity we are protecting in order to avoid reprisals from the current administration."

In light of the revelations of numerous, unreported attacks on Secret Service agents, Republicans are expressing concern that Joe Biden, the current President of the United States and father of Hunter Biden, may have played a role in the cover-up. According to McCarthy, these attacks also raise serious concerns that the German Shepherd did not go through an appropriate vetting process before being allowed such close proximity to sensitive information. "The American people deserve to know if this is a family pet that had trouble adjusting to life in the White House, or a foreign agent with potential access to classified documents. And if so, what did Joe Biden know and when did he know it?"

Kinesiology Tape Diapers Revolutionize the Treatment of Infant Gas.....

American Fork, UT - KT Tape®, the leader in sports related drug-free pain and injury relief through the use of their advanced recovery products, is revolutionizing the baby care industry by combining their recognized kinesiology tape with standard disposable diapers.

A baby, shown here wearing a conventional disposable diaper that lacks the pelvic and abdominal muscle and soft tissue support that helps maintain an upright posture

"The disposable diaper is an amazing product that parents and other caregivers of young children depend on," KT Tape® CEO and President Gregory Venner explained. "But there hasn't been a design upgrade since the introduction of a super-absorbent polymer to the crotch in 1984."

The new diapers from KT Tape® will utilize the same "lift and lock" technology that makes their popular line of kinesiology tapes so effective. According to Venner, there is the potential for significant medical benefit in addition to the established convenience of modern disposable diapers. "Our KT Diapers® will gently, but powerfully, lift the skin and subcutaneous tissue in the pelvis and lower abdomen, improving blood flow and lymphatic drainage and helping to reduce fussiness from gas, constipation, and colic."

Helping to enable athletes and fitness enthusiasts to perform at their best has always been a fundamental guiding principle of the KT Tape® philosophy. With the introduction of KT Diapers®, this goal of improved comfort and functionality hasn't changed. They will be distributed to caregivers, medical professionals, and daycare centers through major retailers, specialty baby stores, and medical supply distributors worldwide.

"These diapers are built for performance," KT Tape® Product Design Director Lucinda Crepe explained. "Yes, they are going to help these babies feel better, function better, and probably start walking earlier than kids using conventional diapers, but they are also going to soak up a lot of urine and feces so that a baby can reliably do their business without fear of leaks or blowouts."

KT Diapers® are designed to be applied to an infant's skin by caregivers without specific training. But in order to achieve maximum benefit, Crepe revealed that some training would be necessary. "Seeking out a fully certified kinesiology taping practitioner for every diaper change isn't practical. We do recommend that caregivers undergo KT Diaper® specific training on our website in order to avoid injuries, however. And for a small annual fee, they can obtain a full certification that will give them the confidence to train others and charge for the service."

Starbucks Announces Annual Customer Survey Results.....

Seattle, WA - The Starbucks Corporation has revealed the results of their annual customer survey, and once again the most popular menu item is coffee.

A woman, shown here adding a white, powdery substance known as sugar to her coffee, which has been poured into a cup prior to consumption using her primary face hole

"The annual survey is something that we take very seriously at Starbucks," Chairperson Mellody Hobson explained. "It's a chance for customers to provide valuable feedback and an opportunity for us know if the changes we've made are appreciated."

In addition to coffee taking the top spot again this year, as it has every year since the annual survey process began in 1992, Starbucks customers chose their favorites among several other categories, such as "What's your favorite utensil?" and "What do you wipe your mouth with?"*. According to Hobson, the most useful information often comes from a focus on the little details that other coffee shops might not pay attention to. "Coffee is definitely a Starbucks customer favorite, and that's really important for us to know. But based on the survey, a lot of people really enjoy putting stuff into their coffee too."

Not everyone who drinks coffee enjoys it quite the same way, though some approaches are more popular than others. Consumption analysts at Starbucks' corporate office in Seattle, like Jode Dockerson, use data collected from the annual customer survey as well as independent research on coffee trends to make recommendations to the product engineering team, who then pitch potential new menu items to the Executive Menu Development office. "I was actually here when the '94 survey dropped and we were all like...sugar? And people still put it in their coffee today."

*Customers ranked drinking straws and napkins number one in these categories.

More Millennial Women are Questioning Outdated Pregnancy Practices....

San Francisco, CA - As increasing numbers of millennial women are choosing to have children, many are questioning some long held assumptions about pregnancy.

A pregnant human millennial, shown here ordering a bucket of pickles and turkey gravy on Uber Eats and seriously considering a fourth accent pillow, maybe red?

"Millennial women currently account for more than 90% of births in the United States," Mort Fishman MD, an obstetrician and the author of Millennial Moms: How the Internet and 9/11 Changed the Way We Approach Pregnancy and Childbirth in the New Millenium, explained. "This is a generation of women that were raised during a time of great social and technological change. They saw the birth of the internet, and they believe that the birthing process should be more collaborative and open to new ideas."

The way that human culture has approached pregnancy and childbirth has been fairly fixed, likely for thousands of years but for at least the last fifty. This doesn't sit well with many millennial women, like San Francisco millennial Juniper Poppy Miller, who bristle at being told that their pregnancy has to fit into a mold envisioned by older generations. "Millennials are inherently curious. We seek out and excel at accepting change.  If there is a more efficient way to accomplish a goal, we don't let tradition get in the way of progress. Take the human gestation of 9 months. Why 9 months? Why can't I have a pregnancy that fits into my lifestyle rather than the other way around?"

Hallmark Channel Announces Plans to Produce Even More Inclusive Series and Movies.....

Studio City, CA - The Hallmark Channel has announced that it will be moving forward with plans to create even more inclusive programming in 2023, with a major focus on niche societal subcultures.

Hallmark's Throuple Trouble, a romance about three gay witches who move to Salem to open a Halloween themed vegan bakery, will air on November 18th at 7 p.m.

"I couldn't be more proud of the progress we have made over the past two years under my leadership," Hallmark Media President and CEO Wonya Lucas explained. "We have increased diversity both in front of and behind the camera, and picked some low hanging fruit by introducing gay characters and more shows that feature people of color. And we will continue to strive to produce programming that all viewers can see themselves in, because everybody is welcome at Hallmark. And by everybody, I mean everybody."

Ever since the series finale of the series Good Witch featured the network's first lesbian kiss in 2021, Hallmark executives have been looking for ways to increase interest in the channel among members of other underrepresented groups. According to Lucas, Hallmark television programming shouldn't be any different than the cards you can find in a Hallmark store. "There are cards for the LGBTQ community, people of different ethnic backgrounds, believers in a variety of world religions, and so many more. I mean, if you can buy a bespoke birthday card for the naturist in your life, wouldn't they also appreciate seeing a character practicing non-sexual social nudity on an episode of When Calls the Heart?"

In the past, Hallmark programming has been criticized for having simplistic and unrealistic plots with thinly written characters that are flat and lifeless. Some have pointed out that Hallmark characters might be conventionally attractive, but they are essentially caricatures of people who might be found living in the real world. The dialogue, sometimes described as insipid drivel, sounded as if it was written by people who have never actually had a conversation with an actual human.

Lucas, who assumed control of Hallmark Media in August of 2020, has made it her mission to change the minds of Hallmark haters by working to develop characters that are more complex and more relatable. "When you watch a movie or an episode of a series, you want to see someone who you can identify with. That character might be caught up in an unusual situation, but if we've done our job you will imagine yourself in their shoes and wonder how you would handle it."

In addition to crafting more relatable characters, Hallmark plans to push the boundaries of storytelling and explore what it means to love and to be a family in a more authentic and inclusive way. Lucas believes that depth and dimension requires a story that defies common stereotypes. "We want to truly represent the human condition in a meaningful way. We want to represent real lives. That's what makes a compelling viewing experience."

Here are a few of the upcoming Hallmark movies set to air in 2023:

Home Birth Holiday - A widowed midwife who has begun to lose confidence in herself, Janice returns home to snow-covered Vermont. She soon finds a new perspective and some Christmas cheer when she meets a handsome paramedic after a baby dies during a botched home birth.

Tiny House, Big Heart - Recently engaged Vivian buys a tiny house that can magically grant wishes. As Vivian and her beloved Clara begin to make a new home together, they come to realize that living with love can be just as powerful as living with less.

The Eight Piercings of Hanukkah - An anonymous suitor sends body piercing optometrist Sara a different Hanukkah themed nipple clicker for each of the holiday's eight nights, and on her journey to find her secret admirer, she learns that her one true love might be someone she never expected.

Physician-Assisted Romance - When Liz returns home to take care of her ailing satanist father in California, she is determined to give him the perfect Lupercalia before his physician-assisted home suicide. But Dr. Death becomes Dr. Love after they are snowed in during a powerful blizzard.

Fetish Fantasy - After unexpectedly moving to Alaska, an ambitious furry starts a new romance with a local brony and learns that his small town is hiding a kinky secret: they're all into it.