New Mean Girls Play in Production.....

New York City - The creators of the hit 2004 movie Mean Girls, the popular Broadway musical Mean Girls, and the soon-to-be released movie Mean Girls have announced plans to produce a play based on the movie based on the musical based on the original movie.

Lacy Chabert, who played fan favorite Gretchen Wieners in the original Mean Girls movie, shown here at the scene of a shopping mall mass shooting meet cute in the Hallmark Christmas romantic comedy Santa Has Amnesia...and He's Lonely?

"I was having dinner with my family and a few friends when someone asked what my next project was going to be," American actress, comedian, writer, and producer Tina Fey explained. "And without any hesitation, I blurted out "Mean Girls, but on a stage...and no music," This just seemed like the most logical next step, because people just can't get enough of these mean girls!"

The new play, much like the movie based on the Broadway show, the Broadway show, and the original non-musical movie, will focus on new student Cady Heron's struggle to fit into the complex social networks of a typical high school in the suburbs of Illinois. According to Fey, the play will have a mix of familiar elements and original content. "What if fetch happens this time? I mean, what if it really happens."

Hallmark Channel Sets New Record for Christmas Movies in 2023.....

Studio City, CA - Already known for a busy production schedule, particularly during the holiday season, Hallmark Channel has announced that they set an all-time record last year during their popular "Countdown to Christmas" and "Miracles of Christmas" events.

Willoby Parker and Hambone Tumph, shown here in Christmas Again...Again?, one of the 290 movies they starred in during Hallmark's Countdown to Christmas in 2023

"We usually produce around 30-40 Christmas or holiday themed movies each season," Hallmark Media Chairman Donald J. Hall Jr. explained. "But from Friday, October 20th through Thursday, December 21st, we aired an incredible 630 new movies on the main channel, Hallmark Movies & Mysteries, and our Hallmark Movies Now streaming service. It wasn't easy, but our dedicated viewers just can't get enough of these festive movies and the experience of inviting their favorite stars into the comfort of their very own living rooms each and every night during the holidays."

How did Hallmark manage to write and produce content for 10 new movies to air daily over the two months leading up to Christmas? According to Hall Jr., Hallmark refused to sacrifice quality in the name of quantity. "We did have to make a few creative decision, but there was no corner cutting, just hard work."

Not all fans of the yearly block of holiday movies agree. Some, like self-described "Hallmark addict" Brenda Carter Samuelson Nash, have been expressing their disappointment online. "The drop in quality was obvious from the first movie that aired on October 20th, The Christmas Pony Rides Again, to Scotland, to the last one on December 21st, Christmas Movie #630 (Needs Title, Something About Santa Being Sad). Half of the movies were mostly just reused scenes from Christmas at Mistletoe Manor and Mistletoe Christmas Magic edited in a different order and a few new scenes with a different sassy black and/or gay best friend and/or co-worker."

President Biden Crowns Himself Emperor for Life on 3rd Anniversary of January 6th Insurrection.....

Washington, D.C. - Joe Biden, the 81-year-old former United States Senator and current President of the United States from Scranton, Pennsylvania, seized ultimate authority over the country today by declaring himself "emperor for life".

Emperor Joe Biden, shown here describing in graphic detail what happens to anyone who gets in his way

"Of all days to do this," former Speaker of the House of Representatives Nancy Pelosi explained. "Not that any day would be a good day to declare yourself supreme leader of America, and to tear up the Constitution during a live address in front of both houses of Congress, but on a Saturday?"

Biden's brazen power grab is raising a number of questions as elected government officials and career federal employees have begun taking voluntary oaths of loyalty in order to avoid being transferred to one of several large "re-education centers" being established in Alaska. According to Democratic Congressman Adam Schiff, Biden's move to ignore the well-established precedent of democracy in the United States is worrisome. "It looks like my colleagues from across the aisle got this one right, which makes me wonder what other "conspiracy theories" are actually true. Was the election stolen? Are we being replaced by immigrants? I've got some serious thinking to do, or at least I would if that was allowed by Emperor Biden."

Police Nutritionists Issue Warning Over Fentanyl-Laced Lemonade.....

Miami, FL - Experts from the Miami Police Department's Nutrition Crimes Unit (NCU) are issuing a warning to be on the lookout for drug dealers selling fentanyl-laced lemonade to children.

A drug dealer, shown here posing as a child running a pop-up neighborhood lemonade stand and with enough fentanyl-laced sugar water to kill every thirsty toddler in Pittsburgh

"This lemonade looks, smells, and even tastes like conventional lemonade that doesn't have any fentanyl in it at all," Police nutritional toxicologist and NCU Chief Mort Fishman explained. "This stuff is just high fructose corn syrup, lemon juice, and scoop after scoop of fentanyl. And don't be fooled by what looks like an innocent child's lemonade stand because most of those are actually just really small adults looking to get your kids hooked."

The Miami Police Department's NCU was established last year when Dr. Fishman got really scared after seeing a news report of a lemonade-related fatality caused by excessive levels of caffeine. Corporal Chad Blaze, a 2-month veteran of the NCU and victim of the first reported mosquito-borne fentanyl overdose in 2022, is excited about bringing the expertise he gained while working with the MPD's Stinger unit to tackling killer lemonade this Summer. "I'm confident that the FIM-92 Stinger surface-to-air missile system is ideally suited to this situation. I'm pretty confident."

Point/Counterpoint: Helicopter Parenting.....

Point

Helicopter Parenting is Ruining Our Children

by Jessica Champlain
Child Psychologist
Tampa, FL

Are we raising a generation of perpetual children that will be ill-prepared for life as an adult? I believe that we are. The current crop of twenty-somethings stand out as clear evidence of this growing problem.

Psychologists like myself are seeing significant increases in the diagnosis of depression and anxiety conditions in older adolescents and young adults in their twenties. We see more adults living at home and continuing to rely on help from parents, and it isn't just financial. There are even reports of men and women in their twenties bringing parents with them to job interviews!

One of the most important roles that a parent plays is to serve as a guide for children. Yes, parents are often called upon to step in and help their child navigate difficult situations but parents must also model problem solving skills and, perhaps most importantly, demonstrate how to cope with stress. The current generation of children is sorely lacking in this ability. Stress plus poor coping skills often leads to a variety of psychological and even physical manifestations.

My advice to parents? It's okay to pay attention to your child's experiences and problems, but you have to remember that they are THEIR experiences and THEIR problems. You can't take the wheel every single time there is a fork in the road and the correct route is uncertain. Children need to take the wrong path every now and then in order to learn how to get back on track. Be there for support but don't serve as a crutch.

Counterpoint

Give Unto Me Your Children That I May Consume Them

by Krampus
Child Behavior Expert
Chthonic Netherworld/Austria

For millennia, I have toiled. In darkness, I dwell. In nightmares, I thrive. Give unto me your children that I may consume them. Their flesh, it is my desire. It is my birthright as the Krampus.

I crave most the child who respects not their life givers. Their fear, when first the bells of Krampus sound outside their dwelling, warms even the cockles of my blackened heart. As they soil their breeches, I beat upon them with branches of birch and bind them with chains.

My sack, once full of naughty human fledglings, I carry to my lair. My belly, once full of tender young flesh, finally ceases its incessant rumbling. But my hunger will not be long satiated. My chiropractor, concerned for subluxations, says avoid fat children and lift with my legs.

Remember When Zagmuk Used to Mean Something.....

Editorial

by Sumu-la-El

Remember when Zagmuk used to mean something? Before it became so commercialized? Before every bazaar started selling Marduk ornaments and 12-stone diamond pendants? You know the ones, where each diamond represents a day of Marduk's grueling battle with Tiamat, the monster of chaos.

I remember a time in Babylonia when Zagmuk meant a chance to come together as a people, to forget our petty differences and assist our patron deity Marduk, the Sun god and creator of the heavens, in restoring order, beauty, and peace to our barren world by once again repelling the advances of Tiamat. Why the horrible goddess of the sea returns each year I know not. But I do know that it is with our aid that Marduk finds the strength to cleave the hideous chaos dragon in half with his invincible spear.

But these days, most of my Mesopotamian brothers probably don't even know what Zagmuk is all about. I mean, you can hardly mention Zagmuk anymore without offending somebody, or calling the wrath of the Babylonian Civil Liberties Union down upon your village. Nobody seems to even care that tomorrow the sun will remain visible in the great sky for slightly longer than today, marking the turning of the tide in favor of Marduk as he attempts to renew the Earth for yet another year. Marduk is what Zagmuk is all about and I'm not ashamed to say it. 

James Cameron Releases Statement on Future Avatar Sequels.....

Hollywood, CA - In response to concerns voiced by newcomers to the Avatar series, director James Cameron is reassuring the general public that having seen the initial releases will likely not be necessary to follow the plot of future installments.

A digitally rendered scene from Avatar 12: Avatars Take Manhattan

"Look, you won't have to have seen Avatars 1 through 3 to understand what's going on in 4, 5, and probably not even 6," the iconic 69-year-old Canadian filmmaker explained. "After that, I just don't know. We don't even have rough drafts for those scripts, let alone a competent storyboard yet."

In addition to worries over being able to keep up with the intricate interactions between the Na'vi, humans, and human Na'vi avatars on Pandora, many fans are concerned that production of additional Avatar movies will eventually end given Cameron's age. According to the Academy Award winning director of Titanic and the documentary, Hey, There's a Big Boat Down Here!, the series will continue far into the future. "It's simple. With just a few specific conditions programmed into the AI program that will be creating them after my death, we can ensure that nothing will stop these movies from being made. Nothing."

Mental Health Problems Increasing Among Childhood Imaginary Friends.....

Brookline, MA - For the first time since official tracking began in the 1950s, experts in pediatric mental health are seeing an increase in reports of anxiety and depression among childhood imaginary friends.

A young child, shown here playing on the swings with an imaginary friend who is suffering from an acute panic attack. Yes, his friend is black. Why does that matter? That's racist.

"This looks to be the first generation of children who will have significant numbers of make-believe playmates suffering from mental health conditions typically seen only in non-imaginary patients," Pediatric social-cognitive psychiatrist Mort Fishman, head of imaginary psychiatry at Me and My Buddy Mental Health Services in Brookline, explained. "Imaginary mental health is something that myself and my team of pretend social workers and counselors take very seriously because a suffering fantasy companion could be a sign that the corporeal child is similarly troubled."

The presence of an imaginary friend has long been recognized as a common and healthy part of normal childhood development, helping non-imaginary children to hone social skills, provide comfort and entertainment, and to even serve as academic mentors or moral guides. According to Fishman, who has treated a number of fictional buddies and sidekicks over the past few months, early recognition is extremely important. "It takes time to train an imaginary support animal, especially a good one like a dragon or a pony. You can't just dream up a random cute puppy and expect to have a good outcome. This is serious."

Many Americans Still Menstruating Despite Tampon Tax, Study Finds.....

Washington, D.C. - Despite efforts to curb the practice, many Americans are still choosing to menstruate according to a recent study published in Conservative Surveys.

House Speaker Mike Johnson, shown here disappointed by a woman forgetting her place and voting to feed poor kids or some shit

"Frankly the whole notion of a woman's monthly is something that I don't understand or feel comfortable talking about," House Speaker Mike Johnson explained. "What I do feel comfortable talking about, however, is how God demands a 7% sales tax on products manufactured specifically for dealing with it."

The new study, which consisted of asking random Republican lawmakers their thoughts on the process of discharging blood and other tissues from the lining of the uterus, is confusing conservative men in both chambers of Congress. According to Senator Chuck Grassley, the choice to menstruate is a personal matter that should be kept behind closed doors and preferably at home. "I don't want to have anything to do with something that follows a lunar cycle. That's witchcraft!" 

Ginsu Knife Salesman Makes Area Woman Uncomfortable.....

Sugar Land, TX - Door-to-door Ginsu knife salesman Mathew Rouse made local housewife Rosemary Perkins very uncomfortable today when mentioning that his samples of the well known brand of cutlery were adept at slicing through human bone.

A Ginsu Disemboweling knife, shown here easily slicing through a ripe tomato, should be hand washed to remove pulp and/or entrails

"He was very creepy," a visibly shaken Perkins explained. "He just kept staring at me with these vacant eyes as he ran an 8-inch chef knife back and forth along a stainless steal honing rod. He was so cold, so inhuman. He smelled like death."

Kenneth Semelsberger, chairman of the Scott Fetzer Company, a subsidiary of Berkshire Hathaway, whose Douglas Quikut division manufactures Ginsu products, is standing by Rouse's approach. "It is vital that potential Ginsu customers be aware of all potential safety hazards when Ginsu knives are used without proper safety precautions in place. They need to know that improper use can lead to some pretty serious injuries."

Rouse, who is returning to the world of door-to-door sales after completing a stint at nearby Fort Bend County Maximum Security Prison for a conviction of aggravated assault with a Kirby vacuum cleaner, has expressed frustration with a response that he sees as hyperbolic. "I don't know why that old lady got so spooked. I just told her how I could cut through bone, like hers or her family’s, or her dog’s. And how I could, you know, do it over and over again if I wanted to. It's her, right? I'm just trying to make a living."

After discussing the incident with Rouse, Semelsberger again gave full support of his technique. "Potential customers also need to know that our quality cutlery never needs resharpening. I'm honestly at a loss for what the problem is, and I can't help but wonder if this is more about Mrs. Perkins than it is Mr. Rouse, who should be recognized for his efforts to get his life back on track after the unfortunate vacuum-related unpleasantness. At the Scott Fetzer Company, we believe in second chances."