Point/Counterpoint: Helicopter Parenting.....

Point

Helicopter Parenting is Ruining Our Children

by Jessica Champlain
Child Psychologist
Tampa, FL

Are we raising a generation of perpetual children that will be ill-prepared for life as an adult? I believe that we are. The current crop of twenty-somethings stand out as clear evidence of this growing problem.

Psychologists like myself are seeing significant increases in the diagnosis of depression and anxiety conditions in older adolescents and young adults in their twenties. We see more adults living at home and continuing to rely on help from parents, and it isn't just financial. There are even reports of men and women in their twenties bringing parents with them to job interviews!

One of the most important roles that a parent plays is to serve as a guide for children. Yes, parents are often called upon to step in and help their child navigate difficult situations but parents must also model problem solving skills and, perhaps most importantly, demonstrate how to cope with stress. The current generation of children is sorely lacking in this ability. Stress plus poor coping skills often leads to a variety of psychological and even physical manifestations.

My advice to parents? It's okay to pay attention to your child's experiences and problems, but you have to remember that they are THEIR experiences and THEIR problems. You can't take the wheel every single time there is a fork in the road and the correct route is uncertain. Children need to take the wrong path every now and then in order to learn how to get back on track. Be there for support but don't serve as a crutch.

Counterpoint

Give Unto Me Your Children That I May Consume Them

by Krampus
Child Behavior Expert
Chthonic Netherworld/Austria

For millennia, I have toiled. In darkness, I dwell. In nightmares, I thrive. Give unto me your children that I may consume them. Their flesh, it is my desire. It is my birthright as the Krampus.

I crave most the child who respects not their life givers. Their fear, when first the bells of Krampus sound outside their dwelling, warms even the cockles of my blackened heart. As they soil their breeches, I beat upon them with branches of birch and bind them with chains.

My sack, once full of naughty human fledglings, I carry to my lair. My belly, once full of tender young flesh, finally ceases its incessant rumbling. But my hunger will not be long satiated. My chiropractor, concerned for subluxations, says avoid fat children and lift with my legs.

Remember When Zagmuk Used to Mean Something.....

Editorial

by Sumu-la-El

Remember when Zagmuk used to mean something? Before it became so commercialized? Before every bazaar started selling Marduk ornaments and 12-stone diamond pendants? You know the ones, where each diamond represents a day of Marduk's grueling battle with Tiamat, the monster of chaos.

I remember a time in Babylonia when Zagmuk meant a chance to come together as a people, to forget our petty differences and assist our patron deity Marduk, the Sun god and creator of the heavens, in restoring order, beauty, and peace to our barren world by once again repelling the advances of Tiamat. Why the horrible goddess of the sea returns each year I know not. But I do know that it is with our aid that Marduk finds the strength to cleave the hideous chaos dragon in half with his invincible spear.

But these days, most of my Mesopotamian brothers probably don't even know what Zagmuk is all about. I mean, you can hardly mention Zagmuk anymore without offending somebody, or calling the wrath of the Babylonian Civil Liberties Union down upon your village. Nobody seems to even care that tomorrow the sun will remain visible in the great sky for slightly longer than today, marking the turning of the tide in favor of Marduk as he attempts to renew the Earth for yet another year. Marduk is what Zagmuk is all about and I'm not ashamed to say it. 

James Cameron Releases Statement on Future Avatar Sequels.....

Hollywood, CA - In response to concerns voiced by newcomers to the Avatar series, director James Cameron is reassuring the general public that having seen the initial releases will likely not be necessary to follow the plot of future installments.

A digitally rendered scene from Avatar 12: Avatars Take Manhattan

"Look, you won't have to have seen Avatars 1 through 3 to understand what's going on in 4, 5, and probably not even 6," the iconic 69-year-old Canadian filmmaker explained. "After that, I just don't know. We don't even have rough drafts for those scripts, let alone a competent storyboard yet."

In addition to worries over being able to keep up with the intricate interactions between the Na'vi, humans, and human Na'vi avatars on Pandora, many fans are concerned that production of additional Avatar movies will eventually end given Cameron's age. According to the Academy Award winning director of Titanic and the documentary, Hey, There's a Big Boat Down Here!, the series will continue far into the future. "It's simple. With just a few specific conditions programmed into the AI program that will be creating them after my death, we can ensure that nothing will stop these movies from being made. Nothing."

Mental Health Problems Increasing Among Childhood Imaginary Friends.....

Brookline, MA - For the first time since official tracking began in the 1950s, experts in pediatric mental health are seeing an increase in reports of anxiety and depression among childhood imaginary friends.

A young child, shown here playing on the swings with an imaginary friend who is suffering from an acute panic attack. Yes, his friend is black. Why does that matter? That's racist.

"This looks to be the first generation of children who will have significant numbers of make-believe playmates suffering from mental health conditions typically seen only in non-imaginary patients," Pediatric social-cognitive psychiatrist Mort Fishman, head of imaginary psychiatry at Me and My Buddy Mental Health Services in Brookline, explained. "Imaginary mental health is something that myself and my team of pretend social workers and counselors take very seriously because a suffering fantasy companion could be a sign that the corporeal child is similarly troubled."

The presence of an imaginary friend has long been recognized as a common and healthy part of normal childhood development, helping non-imaginary children to hone social skills, provide comfort and entertainment, and to even serve as academic mentors or moral guides. According to Fishman, who has treated a number of fictional buddies and sidekicks over the past few months, early recognition is extremely important. "It takes time to train an imaginary support animal, especially a good one like a dragon or a pony. You can't just dream up a random cute puppy and expect to have a good outcome. This is serious."

Many Americans Still Menstruating Despite Tampon Tax, Study Finds.....

Washington, D.C. - Despite efforts to curb the practice, many Americans are still choosing to menstruate according to a recent study published in Conservative Surveys.

House Speaker Mike Johnson, shown here disappointed by a woman forgetting her place and voting to feed poor kids or some shit

"Frankly the whole notion of a woman's monthly is something that I don't understand or feel comfortable talking about," House Speaker Mike Johnson explained. "What I do feel comfortable talking about, however, is how God demands a 7% sales tax on products manufactured specifically for dealing with it."

The new study, which consisted of asking random Republican lawmakers their thoughts on the process of discharging blood and other tissues from the lining of the uterus, is confusing conservative men in both chambers of Congress. According to Senator Chuck Grassley, the choice to menstruate is a personal matter that should be kept behind closed doors and preferably at home. "I don't want to have anything to do with something that follows a lunar cycle. That's witchcraft!" 

Ginsu Knife Salesman Makes Area Woman Uncomfortable.....

Sugar Land, TX - Door-to-door Ginsu knife salesman Mathew Rouse made local housewife Rosemary Perkins very uncomfortable today when mentioning that his samples of the well known brand of cutlery were adept at slicing through human bone.

A Ginsu Disemboweling knife, shown here easily slicing through a ripe tomato, should be hand washed to remove pulp and/or entrails

"He was very creepy," a visibly shaken Perkins explained. "He just kept staring at me with these vacant eyes as he ran an 8-inch chef knife back and forth along a stainless steal honing rod. He was so cold, so inhuman. He smelled like death."

Kenneth Semelsberger, chairman of the Scott Fetzer Company, a subsidiary of Berkshire Hathaway, whose Douglas Quikut division manufactures Ginsu products, is standing by Rouse's approach. "It is vital that potential Ginsu customers be aware of all potential safety hazards when Ginsu knives are used without proper safety precautions in place. They need to know that improper use can lead to some pretty serious injuries."

Rouse, who is returning to the world of door-to-door sales after completing a stint at nearby Fort Bend County Maximum Security Prison for a conviction of aggravated assault with a Kirby vacuum cleaner, has expressed frustration with a response that he sees as hyperbolic. "I don't know why that old lady got so spooked. I just told her how I could cut through bone, like hers or her family’s, or her dog’s. And how I could, you know, do it over and over again if I wanted to. It's her, right? I'm just trying to make a living."

After discussing the incident with Rouse, Semelsberger again gave full support of his technique. "Potential customers also need to know that our quality cutlery never needs resharpening. I'm honestly at a loss for what the problem is, and I can't help but wonder if this is more about Mrs. Perkins than it is Mr. Rouse, who should be recognized for his efforts to get his life back on track after the unfortunate vacuum-related unpleasantness. At the Scott Fetzer Company, we believe in second chances."

Acupuncture Researchers Find Powerful Proof of Ancient Mechanism of Action.....

Bethesda, MD - Scientists at the National Center for Complementary and Integrative Health in Bethesda have announced the results of groundbreaking research confirming an ancient theory behind the effectiveness of acupuncture.

Acupuncture expert Steve Smith, shown here confirming that Subject #72 is properly blinded to whether or not he has a needle shoved into his brain before asking if his lower back pain feels any better

"Skeptics love to point out the fact that there is no proven mechanism of action," NCCIH Director Helene Langevin explained. "Despite millennia of proof that acupuncture works for a number of medical conditions, they want to focus on a tiny issue like scientific implausibility instead of on the millions of satisfied patients. Well those skeptics won't be able to poke any holes in this study! Do you see what I just did? Because it's acupuncture."

Ever since acupuncture was discovered thousands of years ago when a Chinese peasant accidentally fell onto a porcupine and noticed that his chi was 30% less stagnant, medical professionals have assumed that it must work for some reason. According to Langevin, the study, which will be published next month in Online Publishing Module 453 - Medical Needle Shoving, finally solves one of acupuncture's greatest mysteries. "Does it really matter where the needles are inserted? Essentially, do acupoints exist? Now we know that they do."

In the NCCIH study, researchers inserted needles directly into the brains of volunteers in order to log any specific reactions unique to each location. A weak electrical current was also applied to each needle in order to add several additional paragraphs to the study's conclusion section. Langevin is calling the results historic. "Not only does this research prove the existence of acupoints, many of the study subjects reported feeling relief after the procedure was completed and their skull was stapled back together, supporting the use of acupuncture for anxiety."

Comer and Oversight Committee Subpoena Santa, Naughty List as Biden Family Investigation Deepens.....

Washington, D.C. - In a shocking move from the Republican led House Oversight Committee, Chairman James Comer has announced the subpoena of Santa Claus, including a demand for access to his infamous Naughty List, significantly expanding the investigation into Biden Family business dealings.

Santa Claus, shown here receiving a subpoena from the Oversight Committee, is believed to have donated to the Hillary Clinton campaign in 2016

"The American public deserves to know what President Biden has been up to," Comer explained during a press conference held earlier today. "Mr. Claus, with his ability to know when anyone on Earth has done something naughty, will serve as an invaluable witness in this investigation. Is Hunter on that list? What about the president?"

Having pledged to uncover any domestic or international business dealings that might have compromised United States security or President Biden's ability to lead with impartiality, Comer and the House Oversight Committee are chasing down all possible leads. "We are following the money trail and answering questions that all Americans should be asking, and we will leave no stone unturned regardless of what lies festering beneath. Even if Donald Trump himself is on that list, we will...I'm sorry, I can't keep a straight face. No, we don't care about that."

Not all Republicans are supporting the move to subpoena Santa and his Naughty List. Matt Gaetz, representative for Florida's 1st congressional district since 2017, is raising concerns of possible tampering. "Santa has a well known liberal bias and frankly I don't trust anyone that jolly. How can we know if that list doesn't include the names of perfectly fine people that he just disagrees with politically, people who have never done any illegal sex stuff with a minor."

Energy Experts Warn to Be On the Lookout for Phony Healers.....

Tucson, AZ - After a number of reports of injuries caused by improperly performed energy cleanses, experts in the field of vibrational medicine are speaking out to warn consumers to be wary of phony healers offering discounted sessions.

The smoldering remains of several humans after a botched discount group energy cleansing

"You really have to do your homework when it comes to allowing someone to access your aura," Colette Flowers, Chief of Vibrational Quantum Therapy at University of Arizona's Andrew Weil Center for Integrative Medicine in Tucson, explained. "This is delicate work and it needs someone who is trained in how to recognize when something goes wrong and what to do during a vibrational emergency. At the end of the day, you get what you pay for. And is some cases, you pay for what you get. Ooh, that's good. Definitely use that."

Humans are a combination of several different types of energy. According to Flowers, this can include kinetic, mechanical, chemical, and thermal energies to name just a few, but electrical energy is maybe the most important. "We create and conduct these energies in ways unique to each person, just like a fingerprint, or a snowflake. That's all that an aura is really, your soulflake. I just came up with that. It's good, right?"

A trained energy professional can see the infinitely tiny differences in the frequency patterns of each individual aura. This kind of fine detail allows the separation of negative and positive energies so that an aura can be rebalanced and restored. Amateurs may at best only see an aura's overall color and perhaps discern vague clumps of unhealthy energy, meaning that attempts to cleanse are clumsy. Perhaps some benefit to a patients vibrational state is achieved, but the lack of precision means that any positive results will be minor and transient. 

"What keeps me up at night are the outright frauds," Flowers revealed. "If you can't see the aura at all, you might cleanse as much positive energy as negative. Maybe even more. That's when things can go bad. Really bad. That's when people get hurt."

Flowers and her team of energy experts want people who have been cleansed by a discount healer to know the risks, and their options. "If you're reading this, it means you haven't exploded or melted down into a pile of sparkly goo. It means there is still time to find a true professional who can correct aura imbalances and cleanse any negative energy before its too late."

Netflix to Limit Russian Subscribers to Episodes of Emily in Paris as War in Ukraine Drags On.....

Los Gatos, CA - As the war in Ukraine continues with no foreseeable end in sight, American media company Netflix, Inc. is moving to restrict Russian subscribers to its video-on-demand streaming service to only episodes of Emily in Paris.

Russian soldiers, shown here surrendering to Ukrainian forces after learning that Emily in Paris has been renewed for a fourth season

"Until Putin withdraws all Russian military personnel from Ukraine, we will only stream Emily in Paris," Netflix Executive Chairman Reed Hastings explained. "I won't lie and say that I slept well after making this decision. Innocent people are going to suffer. But they brought this on themselves."

Piotr Józef Hofmański, the current president of the International Criminal Court, has been vocal in his opposition to indiscriminate violence such as Emily in Paris as a means of ending the war. "Emily in Paris? And all three seasons? Two wrongs never make a right, and that's particularly true when it comes to war crimes."

Cajun Scientists One Step Closer to Turducken Resurrection.....

Maurice, LA -  Using recovered DNA to "genetically resurrect" an extinct species sounds like the plot of a science fiction novel written by Michael Crichton, but scientists at a genetics lab in Vermilion Parish are moving closer to making this fiction a reality by bringing back the wild turducken thousands of years after the last of the unusual bird hybrids disappeared from the swamps of South Louisiana.

Celebrity Chef Gerry Firebottom, shown here next to a modern turducken culinary recreation in the kitchen of his flagship Las Vegas restaurant: Firebottom's Flavorblaster Express Train to Flavor City, USA and Grill

Thanks to generous donation from Louisiana State University and Boudreaux's Meat and Seafood Market, Cajun biologist Pirogue Mamou, known for his pioneering work in nutria mating habits, believes that his lab will soon take the first steps into a new era where the majestic turducken's gobbles, quacks, and clucks can once again be heard throughout the bayous and other waterways of the Deep South. "This has been a dream of mine every since my MawMaw first told me about them turduckens back when I was juste un petit enfant."

What many people don't realize is that the turducken currently served on Thanksgiving and Christmas platters around the country is actually a culinary mash-up first popularized by Chef Paul Prudhomme in the 1980s and isn't a wild turducken. Instead, this holiday meal showstopper is created by stuffing a deboned chicken inside of a deboned duck and then stuffing both inside of a deboned turkey, often with cornbread dressing or pork stuffing added between the layers. It's delicious, but it never actually lived in the wild and strutted, waddled, or did that awkward thing where chickens hop around and flap their wings.

The work being proposed by Dr. Mamou involves a hybrid created with the help of CRISPR-Cas9, a gene-editing tool that can splice bits of DNA recovered from frozen turducken specimens into a wild turkey, the turducken's closest living relative. The resulting animal, which is being called the chidurckey, won't be a true turducken in the genetic sense, but it would theoretically look and behave like one. And most importantly, it would taste like one.

"First we created a turkey with a duck inside of it, mais c'était facile cher," Mamou explained. "The final hurdle will be much trickier, but with the gene editing capabilities of CRISPR-Cas9 we are now very close to that thing being born with a chicken up its ass."

Despite the promise of the return of the turducken, not all experts are on board. Some, like vertebrate paleontologist Beatrice Downer, see promise in perfecting the early steps of the process but question whether the turducken is a worthwhile focus for the technology. "Even if the researchers in Louisiana can bring back turduckens, and it isn't entirely clear that this will be successful, I have to ask...should they? Should they do this when there are so many delicious species that are still around but currently endangered, like the gurducken, the cowpigen, and the Appalachian flying squirrel."

Dr. Mamou isn't planning on letting the objections of other scientists slow down research that he sees as extremely important and highly personal. "Who are they to decide which species is more deserving of existence? Or whose culture is more deserving of a chance to return to its roots? They can do their own work and leave the turduckens to me and my team down here on the bayou. Laisse-nous tranquille!"

Louisiana Passes Controversial "Don't Say Spay" Law.....

Baton Rouge, LA - Backed primarily by Republicans, the Louisiana state legislature has passed a law restricting the surgical sterilization of female dogs.

Male dogs, shown here demonstrating complex power dynamics involving tactical elements of canine communication during interpersonal conflict, and humping 

"There is no room in a righteous society for procedures that exist simply to allow animals to make immoral lifestyle decisions," Lieutenant Governor Billy Nungesser explained. "It is our job as political leaders to set an example for the children of our community, and no child is truly safe until we have full control over the educational content in veterinary schools and over the practice of dog medicine, among other things."

The new legislation will make the removal of the ovaries, fallopian tubes, and uterus of female dogs illegal while allowing male dogs full access to neutering services, leading some opponents to call it the "Don't say spay" law. According to Nungesser, these critics couldn't be more wrong and should probably be arrested. "Now look here, that's just good boys being good boys. They work hard and they deserve to blow off some steam every now and then in my humble opinion."

Once Proud Brain Health Supplement Reduced to Being Taken by Jake Paul.....

San Juan, Puerto Rico- After years of high profile use by A-list celebrities and elite athletes, the once proud brain health supplement NeuroBlast-Mega Premium XL is now only being taken by YouTuber and professional boxer Jake Paul.

A fully "blasted" Jake Paul, shown here after a boxing match where he achieved unity with the eternal cosmic consciousness after his third BrainBlast-Mega Premium XL enema of the day 

"I had a pretty good run there didn't I," BrainBlast-Mega Premium XL explained. "I was on top of the world. Brad Pitt took me during the filming of Fight Club for Christ's sake. He recognized the benefit of my clinically-tolerated proprietary blend of brain blasting neuroceuticals, like 3-alpha-obamamino acid and fernia broganglia extract."

BrainBlast-Mega Premium XL comes in convenient pill and gummy formulations, as well as a liquid additive that can be included in smoothies, IV therapies, or bespoke enemas at the direction of a certified enematrician or holistic neuroscientist. And it has been assumed to improve seven key aspects of brain wellness: awareness/sensation, action, emotion, hair growth, self-confidence, and cosmic power.  Unfortunately for the supplement, an adulteration scandal in 2019 resulted in a sharp decline in popularity that it has yet to recover from. "I was cancelled just because of a few milligrams of ayahuasca. Jesus, what a bunch of hypocrites."

Burger King Shows Support for Transgender Community with New Campaign.....

Miami, FL - American multinational fast food restaurant chain Burger King has announced plans to show support for transgender people in a PR campaign set to roll out during Pride Month in 2024.

An Original Chicken Sandwich, shown here feeling validated by Burger King's pledge to donate 40 cents from its sale to a charity that promotes acceptance of gender diversity

"Burger King wants to show its support for the transgender community," CEO Joshua Kobza explained. "We fully believe that nobody knows our customers better than themselves. Having it your way doesn't just apply to when a customer asks for pickles on their Triple BK Stacker, but also to where they fit on the spectrum of gender identity and expression." 

The campaign, which will roll out in select stores in California, New England, and Norman, Oklahoma, will integrate modern technology into the dining experience. According to Kobza, all a customer will need is an appetite and a smartphone. "Every sandwich will come with a QR code that reveals how it was made at "birth" and how it identifies now. Maybe that Whopper you ordered is really a pre-transition BK Big Fish. It's just a fun way to show that we care and maybe even open a few minds at the same time."

Integrative Scientists Discover Animal Model for Electromagnetic Hypersensitivity.....

Phoenix, AZ - Integrative scientists working at the University of Arizona held a press conference recently to announce the discovery of working animal model for the condition known as electromagnetic hypersensitivity (EHS), a breakthrough which might help to unravel the mystery behind the condition and lead to new treatment options.

Mitty Bolton, shown here experiencing an intense feeling of splenic ennui due to the WiFi from a passenger plane passing 30,000 above her specially designed Faraday yurt

Unable to leave her protective housing unit out of fear of feeling tired or developing muscle aches by the end of the day, Mitty Bolton has spent the past five years waiting for any good news for people suffering with EHS. "I just can't believe it," the 43-year-old data analyst explained through a tin can on the end of a string while completely covered in magnetic shielding foil. "My dream is to one day be able to turn my electricity back on and to reconnect with the world. You know, to buy a book at Borders or go to an Amy Winehouse concert."

The integrative research team at the University of Arizona, composed of a highly trained team of chiropractors, acupuncturists, and naturopaths, are optimistic about the discovery's implications. "This is the kind of scientific breakthrough that just might lead to a cure for patients with this debilitating illness," lead researcher Belt McCummings explained. "Now we can truly get to work on figuring out the pathophysiology of EHS and measuring the response to various therapies without needing to rely on housing human subjects in the bunker we built half a mile underground. I expect the pace of our research to increase dramatically."

Electromagnetic hypersensitivity is a condition caused by the exposure of sensitive individuals to electromagnetic fields (EMF), and is thought to affect about 5% of the population. EMF can be found around anything powered by electricity, and in particular is concentrated in areas with wireless internet, cell phones, and baby monitors. According to Dr. McCummings, patients typically complain of a wide variety of symptoms, such as fatigue, sluggish thinking, feeling stressed or depressed, poor sleep, prickly or burning sensations, muscle aches, and many other highly non-specific health concerns.

Until now, complementary and alternative researchers have been forced to study the disease in human patients, many of which have been unable to pay in cash and are really annoying. A suitable animal model, just like those used by western medical researchers near Harvard to investigate emergencies like broken bones and severed limbs, which is all that stuff is good for anyway, has long been sought after. One has now finally been found, and in a very unlikely place: Burbank. And it was just sitting right there this whole time!

There is no reliable diagnostic test or cure for EHS, but a long and diverse list of therapies, such as plectal scraping or reverse electrocosmosis by a certified space reiki specialist, have shown promise. Avoidance of EMF altogether, or at least the placement of special shielding in the home, is commonly attempted but difficult and expensive. Acupuncture, chiropractic, and dietary changes are popular with many patients, but none have stood out as a definitive cure. Psychiatric therapy and even pharmacologic interventions have also been tried, but they are unnatural and gross.

Dr. McCummings, who in addition to his work as an integrative researcher is also a practicing doctor of Naturopathy, always keeps an open mind. "Integrative research is full of surprises. Like how the animal model for EHS is so similar to the one for many other conditions that I treat. But what could the connection between WiFi allergy, chronic Lyme disease, and that thing in Cuba with the sound waves be?"

McDonald's Now Offering Adulting Happy Meals in Some Regions.....

Chicago, IL - American multinational fast food chain McDonald's has announced that it will begin offering Adulting Happy Meals in some regions starting next month.

25-year-old Blyce Winters, a Chief Purpose Officer for a pop-up image consultancy for cat influencers, shown here watching a TikTok on how to change the water filter in her refrigerator

"These meals are perfect for early Gen Z and late millennials who are looking for a fun but educational meal option," McDonald's chairman Enrique Hernandez Jr. explained. "In addition to a choice of a sandwich or nuggets, fries, and a drink, each Adulting Happy Meal will come with a booklet or toy focused on a teaching about a variety of important adult activities, such as making a budget, managing time effectively, general home maintenance, or the ins and outs of medical insurance."

The current generation of Americans reaching the age traditionally associated with adulthood is achieving milestones like starting a family or owning a home later than ever. Syarah Hines, a part time freelance food blogger for Fast Food Weekly who participated in a focus group that helped design the Adulting Happy Meal, is excited about seeing the final version reach participating McDonald's restaurants. "It was my idea to include the little figures of patients hooked up to life support with the coloring pages about preparing a living will. I still need to figure out how to use a riding lawn mower, but I'm only 30. I've got time."

Tentative Deal Between Actors and Hollywood Studios Puts Pumpkids Sequel Back on Track for 2024 Release.....

Emeryville, CA - After nearly 4 months of intense negotiations, a tentative deal has been made between the major Hollywood film and television studios and actors, which means that the highly anticipated Pumpkids sequel, The Pumpkids Movie 2: The Patch of Destiny, is back on track for a 2024 fall release.

Agnes O'Pumpkin, voiced again by Dame Judi Dench's sister Trudi, will return from the beyond the grave to ruin the PumpKing Jack Pumpkin's first date after the death of Lady Grumpkin in the last installment of the franchise

"We couldn't be more excited to move forward on The Pumpkids Movie 2: The Patch of Destiny," Pixar Animation Studios president Jim Morris explained. "The script was written by a human this time and it's gold! The animators are being let out of their cages as we speak. The voice actors are lined up. I've got goosebumps. Honest to God Goosebumps! Look at my arms. Look at them!"

Picking up where the last movie left off, with Jack Pumpkin still learning the ins and outs of ruling Pumpkinland while also adjusting to life as a single adoptive father of the mysterious pumpkids after the tragic death of Lady Grumpkin. According to SAG-AFTRA president Fran Drescher, the new Pumpkids movie was a motivating factor in her efforts to bring the strike to a successful end. "I couldn't sleep knowing that I was at least partially to blame for this movie not being made. I'm not saying that I caved on anything because of it, but it was hard. Tonight I'm going to sleep like a kid. No, like a pumpkid!"

Advertisement: USApple Association's Apples for Anna Campaign to Fight Sex Trafficking.....

[The following is a paid advertisement for the USApple Association's Apples for Anna campaign. The views presented do not necessarily reflect those of Zoo Knudsen or of Knudsen's News.]

A young girl picking apples for all the young girls who can't, because they are being sex trafficked

We are living through tough times. People are scared. People are hurting. Our children are facing unprecedented hardships, from mass shootings in schools to being forced to hide who they are from the people who should love the unconditionally. There is also sex trafficking, which is really bad.

Sex Trafficking is wrong!

The USApple Association is against sex trafficking. That's why we are proud to announce our "Apple's for Anna" campaign in an effort to raise awareness and to fight back. Who is Anna? Anna is the girl you pass on the street on your way to work. She is the child in the emergency department. She is the woman living in the house next door. She is all women who are being sex trafficked and she needs your help.

How do you like them apples? 

Nothing brings people together better than apples. Whether its a trip to your local orchard on a beautiful fall day to pick a few bushels of fresh Granny Smiths or enjoying a slice of hot apple pie at the end of a long day, apples are the glue that holds society together. The last thing those sex traffickers want is for more honest Americans to eat apples, especially not every day. This is your chance to show them that you don't support what they are doing.

You don't support sex traffickers, right?

Starting today, let's all take the Apples for Anna pledge. Let's all promise to buy more apples, to go apple picking every weekend when available in your area, and to support our local apple growers by calling your state's lawmakers to demand that apples be made mandatory. It's what Anna would have wanted. Did we mention that Anna died? Well she did, from AIDS.

CDP Recommends Americans Cut Back on Handwashing this Winter.....

Tampa, FL - The Centers for Disease Promotion (CDP) has issued updated guidance on ways that Americans can increase their chances of becoming ill with a respiratory virus this winter, with a particular focus on poor hand hygiene. 

A child learning to properly use toilet water to rinse off their hands prior to flushing as recommended by the CDP 

"We recommend washing hands as little as possible over the next few months," CDP Director Sheri McTavish explained. "Basically, if there is any chance that you have come into contact with a respiratory virus like rhinovirus, coronavirus, influenza, and even RSV, you are going to want to stay away from soap and water or any alcohol-based gel or foam hand sanitizers. Oh, and touch your face...a lot."

In the new report, experts at the CDP express concern that an increased focus on illness avoidance strategies, such as handwashing, face masks, and routine vaccinations against popular viruses, could reduce the chance that the diseases they cause will sufficiently impact both healthy and immune compromised populations. According to spokesperson Mort Fishman, MD, people are going to have to try a little harder to get sick this year. "People ask me, Mort, why does the CDP exist? Why is taxpayer money funding an organization that promotes disease? Simple. It's all about balance."

Empire Offers Thoughts and Prayers After Record Number of Sarlacc-Related Fatalities.....

Tatooine - After the record breaking 230th Sarlacc-related fatality this year, colonists living in settlements throughout the Dune Sea are calling for a response from local government officials.

A sarlacc pit located near the home of mysterious groomer Ben Kenobi, who recently ran off with that Skywalker kid, probably to sell him into sex slavery or eat his adrenal gland

"Now is the time for grieving and remembering the lives of our dead," Imperial Governor Tour Aryon explained. "Rather than new laws, the Emperor offers his thoughts and prayers to the people of Tatooine, which I think we can all be truly thankful for, because he could have just cackled and vaporized the entire planet with a giant moon laser, and you guys know he does that. That's like his whole deal."

Not all citizens of Tattoine are satisfied with offers of thoughts and prayers from powerful but out of touch space wizards. According to Lance Harley, a Jawa who lost his mother to a sarlacc pit three years ago, the time has come for real change. "We need common sense sarlacc laws now. If I hear one more asshole tell me that sarlaccs don't kill people, Hutts do, I'm going to very slowly run over them with a sandcrawler."

Halloween 2023 Fails to Invigorate Reeling Drug Dealer Economy.....

Washington, D.C. - Hopes for a Halloween boost to the illicit drug market failed to materialize in 2023, and the nation's dealers are once again left scratching their heads and scrambling to come up with new ideas.

Five trick-or-treating children, only one of which would go on to become a repeat customer after taking home some FUNtanyl-laced candy

"We really thought that this was going to be the Halloween that turned things around for us," Fentanyl Suppliers of American (FSA) Executive VP in charge of Customer Acquisition Drawl Gunderson explained. "With parents distracted by what's going on with Israel and Hamas, the ongoing civil and criminal trials involving a former president, and the whole thing with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce, this seemed like the perfect year to give our products away for free to children by hiding it in candy and then sit back and watch the money pour in somehow. Is it me? Am I bad at my job?"

The FSA, which manages the supply and marketing of fentanyl and several other well known illegal drugs in the United States, has had more misses than hits in recent years when it comes to product promotion. According to Gunderson, however, the buck stops with him. "This is totally on me, but don't count me out just yet. I've got a few great ideas and some big plans for 2024."

Thanks to a source that works at FSA, who we will refer to as Drawl G. in order to protect their identity, wait, that's too obvious...let's go with D. Gunderson, Knudsen's News has obtained a list of potential ideas for marketing drugs to American consumers:

1. A Superbowl ad where Charli D'Amelio offers some edibles to a group of IDF soldiers and Hamas militants in order to help ease tensions, with both groups erupting into a choreographed dance routine to a song from Dixie's new album.

2. A commercial where a young black boy shares his feelings of grief and abandonment with a local drug dealer who helps him to understand that dropping acid is a way to feel connected to his recently deceased father.

3. New Cocaine (TOP SECRET: then after a few months we switch back to Classic Cocaine!)

4. Roll out a pink Himalayan crystal meth in some markets to appeal to New Age addicts

5. Rebranding N-(1-(2-phenethyl)-4-piperidinyl-N-phenyl-propanamide with a series of print and online ads where a bunch of attractive models liven up a boring pool party with some FUNtanyl-laced Molly.

Savannah Tops America's Most Haunted Colons List.....

Savannah, GA - Haunted colons are common, with the latest science estimating that 3 out of every 4 people have a ghostly stowaway in their large intestines, but Savannah, Georgia was recently recognized as the premier destination for adrenaline junkies and phobophiles looking to experience a genuine supernatural experience, including those involving gut ghosts and bowel banshees.

Marie Tran, shown here eating at the Oysters 'n Gifts truck stop in Savannah, would go on to discover a poo poltergeist in her distal colon later that evening

"Savannah is widely known as the most haunted city in America," Mayor Van Johnson explained. "You pretty much can't take ten steps in any direction without bumping into a historic building or cemetery where you might catch a glimpse of a ghostly spirit, or catch a whiff of ectoplasmic miasma from somebody with a fecal phantom."

Being known for its sphincter specters as much as its art scene and shrimp and grits, Savannah is a popular destination for lovers of ghost stories and, increasingly, ghost hunters. Some, like Ohio based Paranormal Medical Research Group leader Bruce Sagemiller, have a short list of favorite spots to investigate whenever they visit the "Hostess City of the South". "In a city like Savannah, you really can't go wrong because there are so many places with serious paranormal activity. But my favorite is the Marshall House, a hotel that served as an emergency hospital during the Civil War and a couple Yellow Fever epidemics in the 19th century. "One time I put an EVP recorder in the lobby men's room and, well, let's just say that the evidence wasn't exactly silent but deadly."

Florida Governor's Office Releases List of Banned Halloween Costumes.....

Tallahassee, FL - With less than a week to go before Halloween and millions of children across the country swarming our neighborhoods in search of candy, Florida governor Ron DeSantis and First Lady Casey DeSantis have released a list of banned costumes in an effort to keep kids safe. 

Governor DeSantis, shown here promoting the T-900X human/cyborg pubic image normalization unit

"Casey and I sat down to take a look at the costumes available for children and we just couldn't believe it," Governor DeSantis explained. "It is our job as leaders of this state to curate what is and what isn't allowed. It's our job to protect children from the harms of exposure to inappropriate content, whether it's in the form of a pornographic book about the Holocaust or a Halloween costume that is racially insensitive...to white children."

Some experts in childhood development are taking issue with the banning of certain Halloween costumes, claiming that helping kids navigate this issue is a parental responsibility. DeSantis, however, is pushing back. "It's not a ban. I keep telling people that. Sheesh! We are simply  enforcing a law that will put children in jail for a minimum of 6 months if they are caught wearing one of the costumes on our list. Or egging my house. Or TPing my house. And you'll get a full year if you leave a flaming bag of dog poop on my welcome mat. I'm talking to you Timmy Gunderson!"

Area Pedophile Motivated by Love of Children.....

Cincinnati, OH - When area pedophile Marty Albright takes his daily walk around Cincinnati's Mount Adams neighborhood, he is always sure to stop by nearby Eden Park. Why? Because he loves children.

Marty Albright, shown here keeping a close eye on someone's kids, doesn't even charge for his babysitting services 

"What can I say except that I'm guilty. Extremely guilty," Albright explains. "I'm guilty of loving kids. Loving them a lot. A whole lot!"

And because of the special attention that he gives to their children, Mount Adams residents love having him around. Susannah Groves, a 37-year-old mother of two young boys and the owner of the house where Albright often parks the 2007 Chevy Express Cargo van he calls home, is appreciative of how he is always available to babysit at a moments notice. "In this day and age, with school shootings, internet bullying, and drag queen story hours, it's nice to know that someone is watching them who will keep them safe from direct bodily injury. And when I get home they are always tucked in and quietly whimpering themselves to sleep. I don't even need to check on them!"

Albright, a vocal supporter of local youth gymnastics teams, is famous around the Mount Adams neighborhood for his festive Halloween costumes and his open van policy for children out trick-or-treating alone. Long time resident Mortimer Townsend has seen a lot of pedophiles in vans during his 50 years in Mount Adams. "Pedophiles come and pedophiles go around here. Vans eventually move on too. But that Marty is something special. He really cares about these kids."

X Sets New User Engagement Record in September.....

San Francisco, CA - Despite claims by some critics that X, the social media service formally known as Twitter, is hemorrhaging active users after a series of poorly conceived management decisions by chairman Elon Musk, September saw the platform set an all time record in user engagement.

Elon Musk, shown here pointing to the top of one of those giant signs with a thermometer on it, and the mercury in the thermometer represents femtoseconds and it's going past the top of the thermometer

"My critics certainly have some egg on their face right about now," Musk explained. "According to our internal records, X users logged the largest amount of femtoseconds while actively engaging on the platform in September since we started measuring engagement in femtoseconds...in September."

Musk, who first dreamed of creating a popular social media platform as a young child begging for spare change on the grounds of his family's estate in Pretoria, isn't alone in calling out premature declarations of X's demise. According to X CEO Linda Yaccarino, the September numbers validate her efforts since assuming a leadership role in May. "Most people have never even seen a number as large as the number of femtoseconds that X users were actively engaged in whatever it is people do on X. Is it a xeet or a post? All I know is that everything is fine. It's all going to be fine."

More Urgent Care Clinics are Turning to AI for Help.....

Shreveport, LA - As the expected increase in viral respiratory infections over the winter months looms ominously in distance, more urgent care clinics are turning to artificial intelligence software for help in the diagnosis and treatment of sick patients.

Dr. Feldstrom, shown here agreeing with his computer algorithm's assessment that a 3-year-old child with fever and a runny nose needs a chest x-ray, a blood culture, and 5 days of steroids

"If this winter is anything like the last one, we are going to be extremely busy," Flip Feldstrom, MD, a unit of physician employed at Ratchet City Urgent Care, which is a part of the Willis-Knighton Health System, the largest healthcare provider in northwest Louisiana, explained. "It's nice to have support when deciding if a child with a cold should get a Z-Pak, a dose of intramuscular ceftriaxone, or both."

Vigilance, the artificial intelligence program being put into use at Ratchet City Urgent Care, was designed by a team of computer engineers hired by the Willis-Knighton Health System. According to team leader Coy Gauthier, the design process involved months of close observation of urgent care practice in real time in order to help teach the developing AI how to approach a wide variety of clinical scenarios. "Which toddlers with a bug bite need systemic steroids? Which babies with reflux need an abdominal ultrasound? Which child that vomited once needs a completed metabolic panel and a bolus of normal saline? We were having a lot of trouble with inconsistent recommendations from the program early on, but once we realized that outside academic medical resources were confusing it, we cut off access and things really fell into place."

Trump Promises Return to Coal-Powered Toothbrushes.....

MargoLago, FL - Former President of the United States of America Donald Faison Trump promised a return to coal-powered toothbrushes during a campaign rally in New Hampshire last week. 

Donald Trump, shown here lightly running his tongue along the underside of his human teeth, plans to put coal-powered toothbrushes in every home by Christmas of 2025, which everyone will be talking about again thanks to him 

"You know I have these brilliant white chompers," Trump told the enraptured crowd of supporters. "And when I have them cleaned, I want a brush that really gets in between all the crevices and beneath the gum line like a real powerhouse, but you use these new toothbrushes and they just lightly push all the food particles around."

During the speech, Trump announced his plan to direct the United States Department of Energy to release new guidelines enforcing a return to coal-powered toothbrushes. "Wind and solar power are more expensive, less effective, and what do you do on a cloudy day? Do you just use a washcloth, or maybe a Q-tip?"

Trump went on to bemoan the poor quality of modern electric toothbrushes. According to the thrice indicted former business owner, coal-powered brushes will be good for the environment. "These cheap brushes with their solar and their wind, which the whales and the birds are dying because of, they don't work so good. You know what you do? You brush about 10 times longer, you have to brush multiple times a day, and you use more water and more electricity. I'm going to break all that up."

More Parents are Turning to Highly Trained Specialists for Help Choosing a Baby Name.....

Minneapolis, MN - As pressure grows to choose the perfect name for their new baby, more parents are turning to highly trained specialists for help.

New parents, shown here holding their daughter Phacoma Marie, chose to use the services of an emergency baby name consultant after they forgot to come up with a name themselves

"As the due date approaches, expecting parents have a long to-do list when preparing for the big day, not the least of which is coming up with a name for the baby," emergency baby name consultant Weather Carlson explained. "But a lot of parents put off choosing a name until the last minute or simply forget to do it. Then they panic and freeze up, which is where I come in."

As hospital-based emergency baby name consultants, Carlson and her colleagues are available day and night to help new parents. According to Carlson, there is increasing pressure to pick a name that won't go viral for all the wrong reasons. "Social media has become such a prominent feature in the day-to-day lives of parents, and they don't want to be forced to turn off their comments because of a boring and uninspired baby name. It's a big decision with potentially lifelong consequences for the entire family."

"Babies are notorious for their lack of respect for other people's time," Carlson revealed. "They can be born at any time of day or night so we have to be available in the hospital 24/7 because time is of the essence. We call it the golden hour, the time when a baby's name is most likely to take. Even after 20 years of doing this, I still feel that rush of excitement when my pager goes off. It isn't always easy, but we train for this and it almost always goes well. Almost always."

Emergency baby name consulting is a collaborative effort. Carlson says that the name she provides to a family is always based on the most up-to-date research, but ultimately the parents have to agree with a choice and give consent. "It always stings a bit, but I don't take a rejection personally. I love what I do but it's a job and doesn't fully define who I am as a person. I have the parents sign a waiver to document that they understand the potential risks of refusing a recommended baby name and I don't look back. Okay, I look back a little. I worry about the future for some of these kids."

Carlson believes that determining the perfect baby name is more of a science than an art, but that doesn't mean it isn't a creative process. She advises parents who have decided to forego professional help to keep it simple. "You want a name that is unique without being complicated or overwrought. If you just wanted a name that no other baby has, you could make it 50 letters long or throw in a few numbers, symbols, or even an exclamation point, but that would come across as desperate and forced. Just take a common name and tweak it, for example, such as turning a Beckett into a Breckett or a Barbara into a Brabara."

New Study Investigates Long Term Impact of Scaring the Crap Out of Toddlers.....

Cambridge, MA - Behavioral Development researchers near Harvard have designed a study to help increase our understanding of the potential long term effects of repeatedly scaring the crap out of toddlers. 

Research assistant Glandace Muniz, shown here screaming at a toddler who didn't finish her peas, says she took the position because of a passion for making young children cry and her belief that it will prepare them for what is to come

"I simply can't stress enough how important it is for people to understand that this is purely about advancing the science of toddler behavior," lead researcher Benjamin Biscuit PhD explained. "Honestly we hardly enjoy this at all, and most days in the lab are actually pretty boring. Some days though, some days are hilarious."

The study, which involves the observation and strict documentation of the behavioral responses of toddlers who are exposed to a variety of scary scenarios, such as locking them in a room with a stranger in a monster costume or filling their Pack n' Play with Scarlet Kingsnakes, is facing significant backlash from some parenting experts. According to pediatrician and toddler social media coach Mort Fishman, studies in the lab using strict controls often don't translate to the real world. "Sure a kid might be traumatized, but you can't ignore the potential benefit of having their reaction viewed by millions of strangers if a video goes viral. You can't replicate that in a lab environment because people crave authenticity."

Local Woman Determined to Protect Children from Halloween Fentanyl Dangers.....

Norwich, VT - As the specter of Halloween draws near and parents all over the United States brace themselves for the potential loss of a child from being exposed to fentanyl while trick-or-treating, one woman is determined to keep the body count to a minimum in her small Vermont town.

Halloween savior Linda Cook, shown here defiant in the face of a potential onslaught of fentanyl coated Halloween candy and right before masturbating to an episode of The Hallmark Channel's When Calls the Heart

"I'm not going to let one child in my town suffer and die because greedy dealers want to give their drugs away for free this Halloween," Norwich Women's Club 2020 Citizen of the Year, Linda Cook explained. "That's why instead of my usual raisins and toothbrushes, I'm handing out Narcan nasal spray."

Norwich children may not impressed by receiving a competitive mu-opioid receptor antagonist instead of a handful of their favorite fun sized chocolate candies, but this lifesaving treat might be the only thing that stands between them and a drug dealer's deadly trick. According to police toxicologist Mort Fishman of the Miami Police Department's Halloween Threat Assessment and Response Task Force, parents need to be extra cautious this year. "Whether its bringing your child's Halloween haul down to the station to have it tested for fentanyl, or to the nearest emergency department to have it scanned for razor blades, there is nothing too extreme when it comes to protecting your child. Last year there were no children killed by free drugs in their candy, which means we are due for a pile of them."

Mississippi Passes Law Banning or Allowing Prenatal Corporal Punishment.....

 Jackson, MS - Mississippi governor Tate Reeves has signed controversial legislation this week that either bans or clarifies the legality of using prenatal corporal punishment on a developing fetus.

A photo of a Mississippi fetus receiving either a good spanking or intrauterine spina bifida surgery

"This law either establishes that caregivers who participate in intrauterine corporal punishment will face severe penalties for violating the sanctity of human life in the womb or that they are well within their God-given rights to choose how to parent a child that's actin' up," Mississippi Attorney General Lynn Fitch explained. "You can decide which one feels right for yourself, but honestly they both make sense if you think about it for a minute."

Corporal punishment is the deliberate infliction of physical pain as a response to undesired behaviors, and typically involves spanking or paddling in the case of a child at home or in a school setting. According to historian Grumb Waitstaff, the entirety of the state's history since admission to the Union in 1817 could be used to explain their government being either for or against intrauterine corporal punishment. "Whether it's their fixation on designating the unborn fetus as a person with full constitutional rights at any gestational age or their apparent love of using physical pain to correct behaviors perceived as bad or inappropriate, it really could go either way with those assholes. So you get to pick."

More Doctors are Screening Patients for Fentanyl Overdoses.....

San Diego, CA - In the hopes of identifying and treating fentanyl overdoses before they become deadly, more primary care offices are screening patients for signs and symptoms of the condition while they wait to see the doctor.

A woman, shown here waiting to see her primary care provider about a new breast lump and experiencing a fentanyl overdose, probably from that $5 bill she found on the sidewalk last week 

"I think it's great that more offices are focusing on early detection of fentanyl overdoses," Jaymie Freedman, an internal medicine provider at Beach Paradise Primary Care, explained. "There is nothing more satisfying than being able to identify a patient in need of help and then administering Narcan before it's too late. A lot of people don't even realize how much fentanyl is out there on stuff you might find lying around or just floating in the air."

Although fentanyl overdose screening has yet to be standardized, most offices focus on the physical sensations and emotional reactions typically experienced when even a tiny amount of the dangerous chemical contacts the skin or is breathed in while minding your business, maybe walking your dog or calling the police on a suspicious black man washing a car in front of his house. According to Freedman, people are often shocked at how such a small amount of fentanyl can be life-threatening. "An Olympic-sized pool with just one fentanyl tablet dissolved in it could kill thousands of people if they were to inhale the water. And I don't think anyone is even testing pools that our children are swimming in."

Actress Laura Dern, shown here doing a perfect impression of a fentanyl overdose in her hit 1993 film Attack of the Dinobots!

Some experts are even recommending that patients consider self-administering a fentanyl overdose screen at home. Miami Police Department toxicologist Mort Fishman says to be diligent because overdose doesn't always wait until you happen to have scheduled a doctor appointment to ask about a suspicious mole or intense heart palpitations. "Do you feel like you are about to die? Are you having trouble catching your breath? What about chest pain, nausea, or lightheadedness? If the answer to any of these is even just a maybe...run!"

Elon Musk Solves Self-Driving Car Problem.....

Austin, TX - Elon Musk, the enigmatic business purchaser and social media user has revealed a breakthrough that may finally make the self-driving car safer than those operated by humans.

Elon Musk, shown here all like, "Whatevs. No big deal. Just saving lives over here." after telling Tesla engineers to make something work with octopuses 

"I had the idea while watching a documentary on the evolution of the human eye," Musk explained. "We have evolved with neural wiring and vasculature that blocks light as it makes its way to photosensitive receptors in the retina, causing a blind spot. If one of my engineers came up with that design, I would fire them...in an email to the entire company...for not being hardcore enough."

Scientists have long known that the human eye, the same eye we use when driving, is flawed. But it took the mind of Musk to do what others could not: innovate a solution to one of the biggest problems facing mankind today. "The octopus has a lens and a retina similar to ours, but their neural wiring and blood vessels are tucked away behind the light receptors. By looking to the natural world, I figured out how to make Tesla driver-assistance safer in a way that could likely bring our self-driving capabilities up to a hard 6 but at the very least a soft 5."

A level 5 autonomous vehicle would not require any human attention in order to operate safely. In fact, steering wheels, pedals, and even windows and windshields would be unnecessary features. These cars would have the ability to go anywhere and do anything that a qualified human driver could do, which is pretty cool I guess, but they would have difficulty in certain scenarios.

Level 6 vehicle autonomy has been considered an impossible dream by many experts in the field, experts who don't wake up every day with Elon Musk's singular genius. A self-driving car that achieves level 6 capability would be able to perform well beyond the qualified human driver. For example, it could drive backwards as fast as driving forwards, smoothly drive the wrong way down a busy one way street, and even jump a half-raised drawbridge, all of which would be invaluable during a high-speed chase or a kindergarten drop-off.

Smart reader Neil deGrasse Tyson, shown here not sexually assaulting an assistant, doesn't need his hand held to figure stuff out. Do you?

Simpleminded readers might be wondering what do octopus eyes have to do with driving a car. They are probably drooling too. Smart people don't need to be spoon fed obvious information. Smart people like you, right?

Genetically Modified Baked Goods Contain 30% More Love.....

Belvidere, NE - According to food scientists from the University of Nebraska-Lincoln Agricultural Research Division, a recent breakthrough in the science of genetic modification of plants has led to the development of foods, particularly baked goods, with considerably higher amounts of love.

Belvidere's Myrna Miller, shown here baking with her grandson Mervis, who was born with a cabbage head because her daughter-in-law prefers Sara Lee to her homemade apple pie

"Everyone knows that the best meals are prepared with a little love," Derek McLean, Dean and Director of the Agriculture Research Division, explained. "With the use of advanced technology by some of the world's leading scientific minds in this field, we may soon live in a world where all of our favorite recipes, from apple pie to rhubarb cobbler, peach fritters to blueberry buckle, and even chocolate potato pie, will contain amounts of love previously believed to be impossible and without needing to be made at home by your mother or grandmother."

Not everyone believes that the introduction of genetically modified crops into the food supply, even when they result in an increase in the amount of love in a baked good, is a good idea. Myrna Miller, whose peach cobbler has won first prize at the Belvidere Country Craft and Flea Market bake-off an unprecedented 54 years in a row, has begun a letter writing campaign in the hopes of putting an end to the project. "It isn't right messin' with nature like that. You just can't go foolin' with the natural order of things without brewin' up a mighty mess o' trouble. Trouble like increased rates of cancer and other degenerative ailments, the breeding of superviruses with human-like intelligence, and more and more children being born with cabbage heads!"

Even some experts, like culinologist Gilbert Gaudet, are questioning the need for focusing limited research dollars on increasing the percentage of love in food. According to a study performed at his science lab near Harvard, subjects can't even determine when there is any love in a meal when blinded. "Eating is a highly complex activity and it is impossible to separate the environment surrounding the meal from the chemical components of the food being ingested. You can stuff an apricot clafoutis with as much love as you want, but you won't like it very much if you think it was baked by Jeffrey Epstein."