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[The following is a paid advertisement from the Alabama Auto Sales Church of Christ. The views presented do not necessarily reflect those of Zoo Knudsen or of Knudsen's News.]

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Republican Lawmakers Call for Conscious Uncoupling of Red and Blue States.....

Washington, D.C - In a bold, yet mature and empathetic move, Republican Congresswoman Marjorie Taylor Greene has called for liberal and conservative states to undergo a conscious uncoupling.

Two American voters, shown here shaking hands, have made the decision to amicably part ways after a lengthy but ultimately unfulfilling relationship

"Red and blue states came together with love, hope, excitement, and a plan to forge a great American future together," the congresswoman from Georgia explained. "But sometimes, for different and often unforeseen reasons, relationships just don't work out."  

When a relationship reaches an end, the involved parties sometimes place blame on themselves or each other. According to Greene, the decision to consciously uncouple should be seen as an opportunity rather than a failure. "Instead of lashing out with bitterness and anger, or allowing feelings of shame and resentment to take over, conservatives and liberals should honor what they once meant to each other. They've learned more about themselves and what they want in a partnership, and they can use that knowledge to make different decisions going forward."

Greene isn't the only lawmaker calling for a conscious uncoupling of the states along ideological lines. Former president of the United States, and current 2024 Republican frontrunner, Donald Trump agrees with both the need for a national parting of the ways and for it to be done with kindness and caring. "It's natural to want to lash out in destructive and hurtful ways, but there are very fine people on both sides."

After conservative and liberal states go their separate ways, life in America is going to be different. Greene worries that many people are going to feel lost, but she does offer some helpful guidance. "I am encouraging everyone, whether they live in red or blue states, they murder babies or just want to protect the way of life that they cherish, they are groomers or patriots, to focus on reclaiming their life by breaking old patterns, finding emotional freedom, and, in the end, making a "happy even after" life for themselves."

Emergency Chiropractic Technician Refuses to Give up On Heart Attack Victim.....

Belvidere, NE - Chiropractic paramedic Frank Grimes, a chiropractor and veteran emergency chiropractic technician (ECT) in the small southeastern Nebraska town of Belvidere, is known as someone who doesn't take no for an answer. And this grim determination in the face of daunting odds was on display earlier this month when he and his team of trained lifesavers were called into action after fellow Belviderean Maynard Wilks was found unconscious in Jenkins Park. 

A team of highly trained ECTs, shown here assessing a patient for abnormal primitive reflexes that could be a sign of spinal subluxation

Grimes and his team arrived at Jenkins Park, affectionately referred to as "the Jenk" by residents of Belividere, to find Wilks sprawled in the grass next to the abandoned concrete tubes that the kids like to play hide and seek in and/or do drugs in. After several minutes of resuscitation with no return of consciousness, the team was ready to quit. But Grimes, who will begin offering a $25 Spring Into Health package that comes with a full spinal analysis and one free adjustment starting March 1st, refused to stop providing spinal adjustments. 

Finally, after 20 terrifying minutes, Wilks began to stir. The gathered crowd of locals turned to the machine that makes squiggly lines and goes "beep" with anticipation. They were not disappointed. Within minutes, Wilks was up on his feet and walking towards the Shop & Cram on C street. He needed turnips and expected that they would never taste as sweet as they would that night.

"I kept screaming not today Maynard...not today," Grimes revealed. "I saw my team packing up the Activator and the Pro-ArthroStim, even putting the DRX9000 spinal decompression device back in the truck, but I just couldn't believe it was his time to die."

90-year-old Maynard Wilks, well known in the Belvidere community for his uncanny longevity despite having been caught up in a wheat thresher when he was a young child, never did get the chance to enjoy those sweet, sweet turnips. The second place finisher in the town's yearly pie bake-off in each of the past 53 years would die later that afternoon from an acute subluxation of the second thoracic vertebra, the very same subluxation expertly jammed back into place by Grimes earlier in the day. 

Wilks won't soon be forgotten by the town that he was born and raised in. There are even plans to place a small sculpture in honor of his memory in the Jenk, next to the concrete tubes where kids like to escape the heat on a hot Summer day and/or have sex in. According to Grimes, losing patients is a part of the job that ever gets any easier. "Even after I initially stabilized him by applying a serious of specific, high-velocity and low-amplitude impulses to the transverse process, ultimately it was just his time to go. That damn subluxation was probably there for decades and I can't help but wonder if he would still be alive right now if he had come by the clinic for my by Fall Into Health special back in September."

Maker of Popular Energy Drink Turns to Infant Formula.....

Fuschl am See, Austria - Not satisfied with the inability of regular formulas to vitalize the developing body and mind of infants, Red Bull GmbH, the eponymous producer of an energy drink popular with college students and young males around the world has set its sights on this untapped market.

A human baby, shown here being fed standard infant non-energy formula by a negligent caregiver, can't even hold their own bottle let alone fly through life

"We're going to revolutionize the infant formula market with our new Baby Red Bull Extreme®," company founder Dietrich Mateschitz explained. "Parents are sick and tired of infant formulas that don't provide vital substances that babies lose during times of increased mental and physical exertion. With Baby Red Bull Extreme® energy formula, which comes in both powder and ready to feed options, parents won't need to worry that their little one is failing to maximize every minute of every day from tummy time to toddling."

But helping young humans to achieve optimal concentration and reaction speed is only one aspect of Mateschitz's plan for Baby Red Bull Extreme®. "My goal is for all babies around the world to benefit from our scientific advancements in energy formulas. Every single one. Only then will humanity reach its true potential as shepherds of our Mother Earth!"

According to the Baby Red Bull Extreme® website, the advanced formulation has been scientifically designed to be as similar to human breast milk as possible, with a few additions that Mateschitz claims will add up to more than the sum of their parts. "Sure, breast is best, if that's all that's available. Like if you are in some of depressing third world country or something like that. But only Baby Red Bull Extreme® provides these growing children with the taurine, glucuronolactone, caffeine, acesulfame K, and aspartame that their bodies need on a daily basis."

Infant nutrition experts have expressed some concerns regarding the addition of infant energy formulas, like Baby Red Bull Extreme®, to a young child's diet. Farahilde Obermoser, a pediatric clinical nutritionist at Rot Stier General Hospital in Vienna, believes that a diet consisting of a significant amount of Baby Red Bull Extreme® infant energy formula might not be the right choice for every family. "We would love for all babies to reach their full genetic potential, and they definitely would on this formula, but sadly not all parents will realize the importance of doing what they can to give their babies wings."

FDA to Consider Over-the-Counter Acupuncture Approval.....

Silver Spring, MD - With numerous health crises plaguing the country, one company is submitting an application to the Food and Drug Administration and hoping for over-the-counter approval of an acupuncture kit developed for home use.

Joanne Fabrics, shown here discussing the proper use of a home acupuncture kit with her pharmacist, died three days later from fulminant splenic ennui 

The company is Battlefield Acupuncture Inc., a manufacturer of needles, seeds, and pressure application devices traditionally used by trained professionals. But what is acupuncture? And is it safe in the hands of stupid amateurs? 

Acupuncture is an ancient form of modern healthcare that was discovered thousands of years ago in a crashed alien spaceship by Chinese farmers and involves the insertion of thin stainless steel needles into highly specific points on the body. These "acupoints", which were first determined by shoving needles into random spots on the body and asking the patient if their liver felt stronger, are areas where Qi, a mystical science energy that regulates human health, has become stagnant. Needle insertion into acupoints allows Qi to flow freely, and is primarily used in cases of any medical problem in humans.

Some critics, like Kuang Zhu LAC, Chief of Pragmatic Acupuncture in the Health and Wellness division of Vic's Day Spa and Pet Grooming Center in Baton Rouge, Louisiana, are worried that improperly performed acupuncture could result in serious adverse outcomes:

"We aren't saying that every incidence of spontaneous human combustion is linked to the incorrect placement of acupuncture needles. But in some cases, there is a temporal relationship that is hard to explain otherwise."

Battlefield Acupuncture, Inc. in early December announced that its acupuncture kits were granted expedited special review from the FDA to become an "over-the-counter (OTC) emergency treatment for known or suspected chi stagnation," the first such devices to receive the fast-track review. Expedited special review means the FDA plans to evaluate the submission within just a few months and is reserved for when a treatment "is really popular with white people and Cleveland Clinic tweets about it."

Smith & Wesson Announces Plans to Go Gluten and GMO-Free.....

Springfield, MA - American firearms and ammunition manufacturer Smith & Wesson Brands, Inc. has announced plans to begin offering Gluten and GMO-free products by the end of the year.

Toddler and celiac disease sufferer Josh McEnany, shown here holding an assault rifle from S&W's Lil' Toters line, is safe from any reactions to gluten while protecting his home from bad guys and monsters 

"At Smith & Wesson, we are committed to doing everything in our power to improve the safety of our products," CEO Mark Smith explained. "And we mean that. If there were literally any other means of reducing the harm caused to children by guns, we would be all over it."

Despite the implementation of these important new safety measures, some critics are pushing back. But according to Smith, now is not the time to discuss any radical efforts that would allow criminals a free and violent reign over American suburbs. "We believe that children are the future, and right now there are kids who don't have enough food to eat or who are being forced to wear a mask at the grocery store."

What are "PHAADS" and why should college parents know about them?.....

 PHAADS - "personalized head attached alcohol delivery systems" - have become the go to means of consuming alcoholic beverages on college campuses across the country.

Kimberlee Smith, a freshman at Syracuse, shown here using a PHAADS to safely consume two containers of grain alcohol and vape juice

Using a unique helmet designed to hold up to two alcoholic beverages that allows consumption via flexible plastic tubing, PHAADS have been hailed by a percentage of students on TipTap, SendaPic, and Stankbook as a sophisticated means of consuming alcohol.

Binge drinking, which involves consuming a large amount of alcohol over just a few hours, has continued to be popular on college campuses, especially with the cool kids, despite administrators trying to stop all the fun. But as PHAADS go viral, at least this one harm reduction advocate says that the trend may actually make drinking in college safer.

"When it comes to substance use prevention, harm reduction recognizes that people are going to make their own decisions when it comes to alcohol and other drugs," Mort Fishman, a board tolerated adolescent medicine physician with a certification in substance abuse prevention from Online College of Tampa, explained. "But there are ways to reduce some of the risk, and some of them are hella cool."

Using a PHAADS gives "total control" over the drinking process. The flexible plastic tubing, which runs from each container into a common tube that then drops down near the student's mouth, is the key. This clever design allows for variable flow of alcohol based on how much inspiratory force, or suck, is applied to the tube. 

Voluntary suck results in a drop in pressure inside the tube, which then allows the flow of alcohol from the higher pressure system in the containers into the oral cavity. According to Fishman, this design is pure genius. "The student can pace themselves. The PHAADS also frees the student's hands to better fight off any attempted sexual assault, so their harm reduction is on fleek."

One of the earliest TipTap videos about PHAADS dates back to early in the SARS-CoV-2 pandemic. The system quickly went into widespread use as COVID-19 prevention measures became more aggressively freedom hating, particularly at tailgates, outdoor parties, and campus January 6th planning parties.

"after covid allowed the democrats to violate the constitution, holding a drink in our hands went out the window for us," one TipTap user said in the comment section of a College Proud Boys video. "PHAADS were our way of demonstrating that the 2020 election was rigged."

College students began posting more about the systems last year, right when spring semesters were ending. They gained popularity in the following fall semester as students posted tutorials and videos on how to customize and personalize their PHAADS.

In an October video, for example, one TipTaper painted his PHAADS with a personally meaningful spiritual symbol that gained widespread attention in the 1930s. Another user from Alabama made a PHAADS with a now historically outdated flag. 

A personalized PHAADS is often completed by giving it a cute name. Showing off PHAADS names like "Where We Drink One We Drink All" and "Make America Drunk Again" has become its own TipTap trend. Other clever PHAADS names include "Drain the PHAADS", "AmeriPHAADS First", "My Pronouns are PHAADS and Vodka", and "Contents: Vodka and Liberal Tears".

"Harm reduction is neither promoting abstinence or drinking." Fishman revealed. "Harm reduction is completely judgement free. My goal is to empower people to reduce risk in ways that work for them."

Fishman has used TipTap to point out that using a PHAADS appears to be less dangerous than other forms of binge drinking. In a recent video, he compared a PHAADS to drinking when he was in college, when he said his peers drank "flagons of mead" out of "barrels in the cellars of guild halls."

He also approved of students personalizing their PHAADS. In a follow-up video, he made his own PHAADS (named "My other PHAADS is a beer bong") with a purple mohawk. "It's a great way for groups of friends to keep a protective eye out for each other at large parties."

Psychologist Leaf Beezus, a crisis response coordinator at a major university, said on Stankbook that the PHAADS are "probably the most amazing harm reduction strategy I've seen in years."

TipTap creator FentascanMan, who makes content about harm reduction, described the PHAADS as "a genius way to get drunk". "There is just no question of accidentally drinking your alcohol too quickly, or being unable to climb out of a window if the cops show up. And y'all's friends can find you more easily as long as you weren't dragged into some kind of secret dungeon."

In the meantime, many millennial TipTapers have also praised the PHAADS in comments.

In a video discussing memories recovered through hypnosis, one creator said while in college, she remembered seeing pieces of hair floating in a fraternity house bathtub, which was used to store large amounts of alcohol containing fluids. "It was next to the buckets of blood collected from local infants they had kidnapped. Then the ritual began and I realized that I was to become a vessel for the Dark Lord."

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[The following is a paid advertisement from Globodyne Industries. The views presented do not necessarily reflect those of Zoo Knudsen or of Knudsen's News.]

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Alternative Healers Alarmed Over Lack of Public Awareness.....

Bethesda, MD - Across the country, practitioners of complementary, alternative, and integrative medicine are joining together in a grassroots effort to raise public awareness of the benefits of non-mainstream healing techniques and natural remedies. They are setting up tables at gyms and shopping malls, canvassing neighborhoods, and reaching out to community leaders. Thousands of agitated acupuncturists, energized energy healers, and incensed aromatherapists, not to mention concerned chiropractors and generally distressed devotees of a wide variety of additional unconventional therapies too numerous to mention are taking part in this unprecedented educational campaign.

Chiropractors from Optimum Spine & Wellness Center, shown here going door-to-door in a Peoria neighborhood to raise awareness of alternative medicine 

Alternative medicine experts and supportive politicians are also petitioning state and local governments in every state to pass legislation funding educational outreach and supporting a broader recognition of these holistic modalities. It is an all out war on ignorance according to combined press releases from all the major alternative medical organizations. These efforts were inspired by a recently issued report from the National Center for Complementary and Integrative Health (NCCIH) revealing widespread unfamiliarity, and a number of common misconceptions held by the public.

Despite a steady stream of published scientific evidence in prestigious healthcare publications, like the Journal of Applied Kinesiology, Alternative Medicine-Singapore, and Parade Magazine showing positive outcomes in a wide variety of conditions, the NCCIH report demonstrates that most people have very little understanding of alternative medicine. The authors of the paper state that 54% of the nearly 30,000 adult survey respondents reported that they have heard "nothing at all" about the concepts of meridians and stagnant chi that make up the core of acupuncture and acupuncture-related sciences - perhaps the hottest and most heavily financed fields in alternative medicine today. And 60% believe that they have never had a chiropractic subluxation, even though chiropractic research has clearly demonstrated that 100% of people develop them, often during the birthing process. 35% of respondents said that they were "not clear at all" about the differences between the various locations and depths of radial artery pulse diagnosis in traditional Chinese and Indian medicine.

"These are basic concepts of alternative medicine that people just aren't being exposed to," Steve Salpedro, an acupuncturist and author of The Vicious Cycle That Your Doctor Won't Tell You About: Quantum Consciousness and Adrenal Fatigue, the Cause of All Human Disease and How to Lose Ten Pounds in the Next One to Fifteen Months with Magnets!, explained. "Not knowing which acupuncture point corresponds to the liver, or that Hegu plays a role in runny noses, deafness, dysentery, and infantile convulsions is like not knowing that socks go on before shoes. It really just boggles the mind."

On the timely topic of science education in the classroom, the report summarizes a number of findings by observing that "many Americans are receptive to including nonscientific values in science classrooms", adding that "more Americans approved than disapproved of instruction regarding the use of colors, patterns, and other characteristics of the iris to diagnose medical problems in public school science classes." However, many were unsure about the process of ingesting a substance diluted in a sugar or alcohol solution to the point where any molecules of the original substance were no longer present as a means of encouraging the body to heal itself."

But all hope is not lost for these misunderstood holisticians. Many are finding a silver lining, if not in the NCCIH report itself but in the response to it.

Chiropractor Frank Grimes, shown here patiently waiting to give the following quote, loves walks in the rain, the smell of kittens, and curling up on the couch with a hot bowl of sorghum porridge. And ladies...he's single!

"It is a truly amazing thing," Belvidere, NE chiropractor Frank Grimes revealed:

"To see so many alternative medicine practitioners coming together like this. It just goes to show that it doesn't matter that our training backgrounds and philosophies are so varied and even contradictory. What matters is that we can all come together, somehow ignore our many differences, and focus on helping people. I also have student loans to pay off."

Grimes admits that he yearns for a simpler time, before conventional medicine and its pharmaceutical industry supported monopoly on health bullied its way to the top. "In the distant past, people didn't get heart disease, prostate cancer, or Alzheimer's. You just didn't have millions of folks developing these chronic illnesses associated with old age. Thousands of years ago, all you had was alternative medicine, except it wasn't called alternative. It was just called healing."

NCCIH Publishes Updated List of Most Common Alternative Deaths.....

Bethesda, MD - The National Center for Complementary and Integrative Health (NCCIH) has published an updated list of the most common causes of alternative deaths in the United States over the past 12 years.

Space reiki, shown here incapacitating a young moisture farmer, was the 6th most common cause of alternative death in the United States since 2010

"Here at the NCCIH we are dedicated to deepening our knowledge of corporeal magic and all related mystic arts, which is just our fun way to describe human physiology and medicine," NCCIH Director Helene Langevin explained. "And one of our core missions is public education based on the most current data."

Spontaneous combustion has become the most common cause of alternative death among humans in the United States, according to the NCCIH data. According to integrative forensic pathologist Mort Fishman, MD, children are significantly less likely to randomly burst into flames than any other age group, though it isn't unheard of. "Pediatric alternative deaths are rare by any measure, and spontaneous combustion is unexpected by definition, so it's a profound tragedy in a unique way."

Since 2010, the last time that NCCIH released data on alternative deaths, the leading causes have included spontaneous human combustion, space reiki, accordion syndrome, Pfft syndrome (acute acupuncture-induced deflation), asynchronous vibration of Steve, haunted colons, overdilution of homeopathic remedies, congenital chi deficiency, storchus, and splennic ennui.

"When we looked at all these leading causes of alternative death, from people exploding without a good reason to a fatal case of storchus, we said, 'Yikes, wouldn't it be nice to have some simple, safe intervention we could do to get rid of even just one of them?" Langevin revealed. "And that's why it is so important to continue funding the NCCIH, because that's what we have been trying to do...for decades."

Advertisement: Do You Have Low Q?.....

[The following is a paid advertisement from the Republican National Committee. The views presented do not necessarily reflect those of Zoo Knudsen or of Knudsen's News.]

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Literally millions of Americans have doubts about the legitimacy of recent elections and are afraid that the country is replacing them with dangerous foreigners. They have concerns that the government might be run by a secret cabal of Satan-worshiping pedophiles and that the media, financial sector, and entertainment industries are essentially just sex trafficking operations turning a generation of young children into transsexual adrenochrome factories. Deep down, they know the truth.

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[The following is a paid advertisement from the Republican National Committee. The views presented do not necessarily reflect those of Zoo Knudsen or of Knudsen's News.]

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Why does Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell Republican? Money? Power? Piles and piles of boiled eggs and mealworms? Probably. 

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Republican National Committee Launches New PR Campaign Targeting Independents.....

Washington, D.C. - In response to an underwhelming performance in the 2022 midterm elections, the Republican National Committee is launching a new PR campaign aimed at reaching independent voters.

Carl Hogstank, shown here silently judging a young boy playing with a Barbie doll, became a Republican when a cashier at Target asked him to put on a mask 

"I was given a mandate when I won an unprecedented fourth term as RNC chair," Ronna McDaniel explained. "And the Why I Republican campaign is the first step to achieving my goal of reaching the literally millions of American citizens out there who are looking for a political home but haven't heard what inspired others to choose the Grand Old Party."

The campaign will involve a series of print, radio, television, and social media spots featuring a variety of people and their reasons for identifying as Republican. According to McDaniel, the RNC has lined up a diverse group of Republicans to participate. "We have celebrities, regular folks, and people from a many different backgrounds. And a couple of them are black, so...we've got a pretty big tent."

House Republicans Propose Legislation Making Blue Bloods a Permanent Series.....

Washington, D.C. - As part of a commitment to promoting wholesome educational programming for Americans, the Republican led Media Matters caucus is proposing a new bill that will ensconce Blue Bloods as a permanent fixture in the CBS Friday night programming lineup.

The cast of Blue Bloods, shown here during the popular Thanksgiving 2017 episode where the Reagan family imagines themselves as Pilgrims at the first Thanksgiving before joining together as a family to chase down and brutally assault a neighborhood drug dealer

"There is an epidemic of woke in America today," House leader Kevin McCarthy explained from the inside of fellow congressperson Matt Gaetz's distal colon. "Blue Bloods teaches respect for our boys in blue, for family and conservative values, for faith, and also respect for our boys in blue. I said that one already? Really? Maybe I did and maybe I didn't. That's for the voters to decide."

Blue Bloods, a police procedural series currently in its 13th season, is already the longest running crime drama in CBS history. According to McCarthy, the legislation is one of several so-called "blue bills" supporting police that are planned for the current session of Congress and would mark the first time that the United States government has interfered with the program scheduling of a major television network. "The senate is a bit of a long shot considering Schumer's obsession with Law & Order. The TV show, not the concept."