FDA to Consider Over-the-Counter Acupuncture Approval.....

Silver Spring, MD - With numerous health crises plaguing the country, one company is submitting an application to the Food and Drug Administration and hoping for over-the-counter approval of an acupuncture kit developed for home use.

Joanne Fabrics, shown here discussing the proper use of a home acupuncture kit with her pharmacist, died three days later from fulminant splenic ennui 

The company is Battlefield Acupuncture Inc., a manufacturer of needles, seeds, and pressure application devices traditionally used by trained professionals. But what is acupuncture? And is it safe in the hands of stupid amateurs? 

Acupuncture is an ancient form of modern healthcare that was discovered thousands of years ago in a crashed alien spaceship by Chinese farmers and involves the insertion of thin stainless steel needles into highly specific points on the body. These "acupoints", which were first determined by shoving needles into random spots on the body and asking the patient if their liver felt stronger, are areas where Qi, a mystical science energy that regulates human health, has become stagnant. Needle insertion into acupoints allows Qi to flow freely, and is primarily used in cases of any medical problem in humans.

Some critics, like Kuang Zhu LAC, Chief of Pragmatic Acupuncture in the Health and Wellness division of Vic's Day Spa and Pet Grooming Center in Baton Rouge, Louisiana, are worried that improperly performed acupuncture could result in serious adverse outcomes:

"We aren't saying that every incidence of spontaneous human combustion is linked to the incorrect placement of acupuncture needles. But in some cases, there is a temporal relationship that is hard to explain otherwise."

Battlefield Acupuncture, Inc. in early December announced that its acupuncture kits were granted expedited special review from the FDA to become an "over-the-counter (OTC) emergency treatment for known or suspected chi stagnation," the first such devices to receive the fast-track review. Expedited special review means the FDA plans to evaluate the submission within just a few months and is reserved for when a treatment "is really popular with white people and Cleveland Clinic tweets about it."