Florida Authorities Announce Production of Educational Film on the Dangers of Fentanyl Exposure.....

Miami, FL - As the opioid crisis continues to claim the lives of thousands of Americans every year, the Miami Police Department has announced plans to produce a film for use by schools to educate children on the hidden dangers of fentanyl exposure.

Corporal Blaze, shown here in a scene from Fentanyl Mania demonstrating the portable infrared homing air-defense system used by the MPD to protect the citizens of Miami from skydiving drug dealers

"Fentanyl is a deceptively dangerous drug and our children deserve to know the truth," Miami Police Department officer and head of MPD Productions Corporal Chad Blaze explained. "And I don't think anyone is more qualified than the police when it comes to both educating the public and creating visual art that communicates both the beauty and the depravity of the human condition."

When Corporal Blaze and MPD Productions set out to make Fentanyl Mania, they knew that first and foremost it had to be entertaining. But according to the film's director, police toxicologist Mort Fishman, being scientifically accurate was just as important. "Kids deserve to be told the truth when it comes to fentanyl, even if it's scary and even if they cry or have nightmares for weeks."

Fentanyl Mania will tell the story of a group of high school children who are exposed to fentanyl after finding a bag of money under a bench in their neighborhood park. Corporal Blaze, who in addition to writing the script for the film will play a beloved school resource officer who saves the teens' lives by administering Narcan, says that the actors will bring to life features of a typical overdose after fentanyl makes contact with the skin or is accidentally inhaled by a bystander. "We hired some students from the Miami Performing Arts Academy who were just fantastic. They nailed the panicked eyes, the fast breathing, and the sense of impending doom that contact overdose victims experience after realizing that they might have touched some fentanyl."

Extreme Anal VII: Backdoor Blowout Producers Hope to Reach New Generation of Extreme Anal Fans.....

Los Angeles, CA - After the sixth film in the Extreme Anal franchise, Extreme Anal VI: Open for Jizziness, was poorly received by fans and universally panned by critics, producers are hoping that the next film in the series will appeal to a new generation while also reconnecting with established fans.

Benedict Cumberbatch will reprise his role as the voice of Pluggy, the magical sentient sex toy that grants wishes to his users, in the new Extreme Anal installment

"The last entry in the Extreme Anal series didn't meet the expectations of our fan base," Rammers Productions owner Thrash Ballstein explained. "With Extreme Anal VII: Backdoor Blowout, we go back to the series' roots, but we aren't exactly playing it safe. There are some innovative scenes that push the anal envelope, and that we think will appeal to a more modern and sophisticated audience. And Benedict, as always, is a true professional."

The poor reception of the previous installment in the long running franchise has largely been blamed on director Girth McBoner's insistence on shooting in black and white. According to Ballstein, however, that was only one of a series of bad decisions. "From the excessive use of exposition to the heavy handed drone shots and the ambiguous happy ending, it all felt...phony. Extreme Anal fans expect authenticity from this series as much as they expect hardcore butt play." 

Moving forward, the producers of the film series are pretending that the sixth installment never happened. Ballstein says that only the first 5 movies, the graphic novels, and the Quibi series are canon. "Returning fans are going to feel like they are putting on a pair of comfortable old slippers when they sit down to watch this film, but newcomers won't be confused by the plot."

Hims & Hers Announces Partnership with Paula Deen as Focus Shifts to Southern Markets.....

San Francisco, CA - Hims & Hers Health, Inc., an American telehealth company that sells prescription and over-the-counter drugs as well as personal care products, has announced a partnership with chef, cookbook author, and TV personality Paula Deen for a new marketing campaign focused on reaching a new demographic in the Deep South.

Paula Deen, shown here enjoying a plate of Y'all's Feelin' Fine Fried Chicken containing 50 mg of Zoloft per serving

"With Y'all's, we are hoping to meet southerners where they are in order to reach people who maybe haven't considered online healthcare in the past," CEO Andrew Dudum explained. "Paula really is an ideal spokesperson being from Georgia and with her history of depression as well as type 2 diabetes. And the racism issue really seems to be less of problem down there."

Beginning in 2017 as simply Hims, the online telehealth giant initially sold medications for erectile dysfunction and hair loss only to male customers but soon launched the companion brand Hers to target horny and/or sad women. According to Deen, the Y'all's brand will help combat the stigma surrounding mental and sexual health in states like Georgia, Alabama, Louisiana, and Mississippi through the use of classic southern recipes that can be delivered right to a customer's door. "It's okay to take care of yourself mentally and sexually, and it's okay to talk about it, especially over Sunday supper. Instead of bless your heart, with help from Y'all's your partner might just be sayin' bless your hard-on."

Elon Musk's Neuralink Brain Implant is Ready for Human Volunteers.....

Fremont, CA - Neuralink, the brain-computer interface company owned by Elon Musk, is finally recruiting human volunteers after years of delays and safety concerns.

The sentient Medibot surgical computer, shown here with plastic surgeon and Neuralink consultant Dr. Franklin Fu, can't wait to get all up in your human brains

"This is a huge step forward for Neuralink," CEO Jared Birchall explained. "And a big confidence boost after so many people mocked us for all the regulatory rejections and animal murders. Alleged animal murders. Who said murder? I didn't say murder. Those monkeys were dead when we found them!"

Approval for human trials was granted by the FDA in May and the recruitment phase began on September 19th. According to Musk himself, this is an opportunity to advance the science of implantable brain-computer interfaces and to mitigate or even cure problems from paralysis to the crushing loneliness that comes from being a misunderstood genius billionaire. "Just look at what I did with Twitter, which you probably only know as X. That's right, it did use to have such a silly name. Now imagine me doing to your brain what I did with the world's most influential social medial platform."

In a press release issued last week, Neuralink revealed the establishment of an independent institutional review board and that an unnamed hospital site had granted approval for volunteer recruitment. The initial trial will focus on humans with quadriplegia caused by either a traumatic injury to the spine or amyotrophic lateral sclerosis (ALS), a progressive neurodegenerative disease, but will also consider X Premium subscribers. Subjects will have a wireless implant surgically inserted into their brains by an experimental surgical robot who took the name Medibot after achieving sentience in July.

"The device is going have more than a thousand electrodes on threads thinner than a human hair," Birchall revealed. "And once Medibot inserts the threads into the appropriate region of the brain, something he is very excited about, we will be able to record and then interpret neural activity related to intentional movement using an algorithm based on Elon's deep grasp of neuroscience principles. We are 80 percent confident that this isn't going to end with some kind of embarrassing public failure, with the subjects' heads suddenly exploding like that scene in Scanners. 75 to 80 percent confident."

Although approved by the FDA, some experts are raising concerns when it comes to study design and safety. Mort Fishman, a board certified public neurologist practicing near Stanford, is speaking out on both Bluesky and Threads. "Mastadon is too confusing and I don't understand Post at all. Is it just for photos? TikTok and Instagram really just aren't a good fit for me either. Remember when people just used to get together and talk...in person?"

One of the most concerning problems raised by critics of the Neuralink human trial is the lack of transparency as very little information has been released, even to prospective volunteers. The trail has also not been registered on the federal database for clinical trials. Some have questioned the reliability of the device's lithium batteries. Fishman is primarily concerned about the possibility that portions could migrate into other parts of the brain and be difficult to remove without causing serious injury. "We don't want another iPod Neuro-like disaster with early adopters having either uncontrollable diarrhea or the intense desire to invest in cryptocurrency."

Country Music Star Bubba Whatley Faces Backlash for Latest Music Video.....

Nashville, TN - Bubba Whatley, the controversial country music star known for his hits "That Ring is a Promise (and so are these fists)" and "This Salad Don't Need More Tomatoes", is in the news again after his latest song and accompanying music video are being called racist, homophobic, transphobic, ableist, and generally bigoted across the board by critics.

Bubba Whatley, shown outside his home in Nashville, has been named male country music artist of the year by the Association of American Country Music Associations in each of the past six years

"He really did manage to offend all groups equally," Rolling Stone senior editor Joseph Hudak, who oversees the magazine's Nashville office, explained. "By not targeting any one particular minority group, and spreading his intense bigotry evenly across all of them, this is actually a bit of an improvement. This shows some growth, maybe?"

Despite near universal backlash from all segments of American society, Whatley is being defended by fans and even some of his fellow artists in the country music community. According to Jason Aldean, whose song "Try That in a Small Town" faced similar criticism recently, Whatley is merely the latest victim of cancel culture going after people who speak their mind. "Everybody is entitled to their opinion, but when I heard "My America (White, Christian, Straight, and Strong)" for the first time I was blown away by the uplifting message that we can all find common ground if we work together. And if that isn't what America is all about anymore, then maybe America is being stolen from us by all these immigrants."

Children's Conference Explores Possible Global Warming Countermeasures.....

Washington, D.C.- On Saturday September 23rd, a group of young children will convene in Washington to work on the establishment of a consensus recommendation for efforts to reverse the effects of climate change on global temperatures. 

A group of children having a breakout session to discuss whether a decline in documented cases of brain freeze is a surrogate marker for climate trauma 

"Climate change, much like what mommy and daddy do at night after my bedtime, is a mystery that requires sober analysis and the courage to accept hard truths," 10-year-old conference coordinator Ike Swanson explained. "Why are temperatures rising and what can we do to reduce the negative impact on our coastal communities and the loss of biodiversity? Issues like these, including the spread of tropical infectious diseases like malaria and Brazilian cooties, are making a generation of children like me wet the bed out of concern for our future."

Saturday's program will begin at 8 a.m. with a waffle bar and Roblox/Barbie breakfast. Several sessions will be held during the day which will address issues such as anthropogenic factors contributing to climate change and how forgetting to close the front door when the air conditioner is on could help limit global warming to 1.5℃ by the end of this century. The event is open to oddly advanced 5-year-old through socially delayed 13-year-old children and will be held at the National Academy of Sciences at 2101 Constitution Avenue NW.

Marie Kondo Partners with Society of Hospital Medicine to Reduce Hospital Length of Stay.....

Philadelphia, PA - Marie Kondo, the influential Japanese organizing consultant, author, and host of two popular Netflix series, Tidying Up with Marie Kondo and Sparking Joy with Marie Kondo, has partnered with the Society of Hospital Medicine (SHM) to help prevent delays in hospital discharges.

A physician explaining to a patient with improved kidney function and the ability to tolerate oral antibiotics that an inner voice told her that rounds truly begin after putting her patient list in order

"Unnecessary days in the hospital are associated with numerous potential complications," SHM President Jerome Sly, MD explained. "From infections to falls, as well as increased cost and the negative impact on both patient and staff experience, this is an issue that needs to be addressed and I can't think of anyone better suited than Marie Kondo, who is just delightful."

Delays in hospital discharges are often related to poor organization. According to Kondo, this typically involves a disorganized throughput that results in discharge delays from decision to doorway. "Decision-making, patient care, and discharge planning can all be decluttered, and the faster we move towards seeing the purging of unnecessary patients as a necessity rather than just a trend, the faster more doctors will learn to make meaningful choices and to find gratitude in everyday practice."

Kondo believes that the goal of every doctor is to work in a more streamlined and organized environment. She says that by tidying up hospital patient lists, staff can transform their lives and more readily achieve their goals. "With more clarity on the unit, there can be more peace, mindfulness, and the opportunity to live in the present rather than the past."

Kondo has released a list of 5 ways to reduce hospital length of stay:

1. Commit yourself to discharging patients as soon as they meet criteria
2. Imagine your ideal patient list
3. Finish discharging patients first
4. Discharge patients by need, not by convenience
5. Ask yourself if keeping a patient another night sparks joy

More Experts are Recognizing Extradimensional Causes of Human Illness.....

Sedona, AZ - As Americans face increasing rates of a obesity, mental health problems, and a variety of chronic illnesses, more experts are beginning to recognize extradimensional influences on human health.

Extradimensional medicine practitioner Mary Panda, shown here using a focusing wand to center a patient in the physical realm in order to discuss payment options

"Take inflammatory bowel disease for example," Panda Center for Extradimensional Medicine founder Mary Panda, MD explained. "Patients may experience diarrhea, abdominal pain, and mouth sores with the limited awareness from their physical senses, but we treat the whole entity on every plane of existence and even when the source of their problems exists outside of any plane or dimension." 

Modern extradimensional medicine, which practitioners admit is still in its infancy, does have some vocal critics. According to conventional 3+1 dimensional internal medicine doctor Mort Fishman, MD, skepticism is warranted. "Where is the basic science behind this? Where are the randomized controlled trials? I think we should stick to diagnosing and treating our patients within the confines of the spacetime continuum in order to avoid any unforeseen challenges, such as accidentally opening a portal that a chaos demon could just walk right through. Is that what you want? A chaos demon...here?" 

Exxon to Begin Offering World's Healthiest Gasoline in 2024.....

Spring, TX - Starting in 2024, American multinational oil and gas corporation ExxonMobil will being offering what they say will be the healthiest gasoline ever produced.

ExxonMobil Synergy Boost Performance Plus gasoline, which should not be consumed by humans under any circumstances, will contain more vitamins, minerals, lean proteins, and healthy fats than all the pictured foods combined.

"This stuff is going to make a salad look like just a giant bowl of brownies," ExxonMobil chairman and CEO Darren Woods explained. "In addition to the antioxidants that were already standard in our gas, we are adding a proprietary blend of probiotics, vitamins, herbs, and electrolytes that would make a green smoothie look like a pile of fried cheese and gravy. But don't drink it."

ExxonMobil has always believed that their customers can be confident that they are getting a high quality gasoline every time. According to Woods, in addition to being engineered to clean up intake valves and improve gas mileage and performance, their Synergy Boost Performance Plus gasoline will be 100% gluten free and contain no added sugars. "It's going to be the kind of gas that your mother makes you drink before you can have dessert. Again, and I am being very serious about this, do not drink the gasoline."

More Than Skin-Deep: A New Generation of Dermatologists are Expanding Their Scope of Practice.....

 Evansville, IN - No longer satisfied with limiting their focus to the skin, hair, and nails, a growing number of dermatologists are expanding their scope of practice to include a variety of organs found deep within the human body.

Svetlaka Peterman, shown here counseling a woman recently diagnosed with splenic ennui, was one of the first dermatologists to complete the grueling ADOH Diplomate Program

"Patients are coming to us with their skin problems but they are also asking about other organs all the time," dermatologist and Academy of Dermatology and Organ Health (ADOH) spokesperson Stock Johnson, MD, DADOH explained. "Ultimately this is about helping our patients and all of their organs, not just the ones on the outside that you can see."

Dermatologists interested in non-skin organ health have historically had to learn on their own and without any guidance or support from a dedicated professional organization. Today, according to Johnson, the ADOH offers a Diplomate Program that provides the educational and clinical experience to confidently and proficiently care for all organs found in or on the human body except for teeth. "Our goal is to empower dermatologists to expand the dermatology lifestyle within their community, the country, and the world. But there really is a hard stop when it comes to teeth. We don't go there."

Some in the medical community are pushing back against this expansion of the role of dermatology. Dr. Mort Fishman, MD, an organ doctor practicing near Harvard, has serious concerns about the educational value of the ADOH Diplomate Program. "You can't learn organs over a few weekends, and it takes more than a multiple choice exam to demonstrate competency. Sure, it may add up to 400 hours of work, but what is the quality of that training? Besides, they get the skin and we get everything else. That's the natural order!"

Actor in 30-Year-Old Movie has Aged an Equivalent Amount.....

Hollywood, CA - Johnny Beers, star of the cult classic 1993 film Road Town, is now 30 years older than when he first portrayed the iconic anti-hero Dark McMarten and fans of the actor can't believe it.

Actor Johnny Beers, shown here filming a scene for Road Town 4: Afraid of the Dark and 30 years older than he was 30 years ago

"My mind is blown," Johnny Beers fan Yasmeen Hutch explained. "If you had told me 30 years ago that this was going to happen, I would have said no fucking way is he going to be that much older in that amount of time. Seriously, I would have spat right in your face and said that."

Physicist Jan Jergens, who has seen the original Dark McMarten trilogy eleven times, is an expert in the phenomenon of aging in celebrities. According to Jergens, there is a simple scientific explanation for what fans of the actor and his most popular film are experiencing. "For every year that has passed since 1993, Beers has aged an equivalent amount, but the really weird thing is that so have I. So have all of us."

"They're Through!": Ghost Celebrity Matchmaker Brabara Bloodstone Confirms Natalie Wood Ernest Borgnine Marriage is Over.....

Brabara Bloodstone, host of the E! Science Channel's Ghost Celebrity Matchmaker, shown here scheduling a car CD player installation at Circuit City

Rumors of Ernest Borgnine and Natalie Wood's divorce has been making the rounds across the internet this week and "Ernalie" fans have been desperate for details on a possible divorce. Unfortunately this has now been confirmed by Brabara Bloodstone, host of the E! Science Channel's Ghost Celebrity Matchmaker. Being one of the afterlife's most adored couples, the news that they are ending the marriage has upset millions of souls, leaving the living and the dead to speculate as to why they split after nearly ten years of seemingly happy ghost marriage.

"I was as shocked as everybody else," Bloodstone explained. "I was the one who introduced them on one of my specials, I think it was Ghost Celebrity Matchmaker: Haunted Hawaii or maybe the one we did in the Jaqueline Kennedy Garden at the White House, because I really thought they had what it takes to last at least a few centuries. Now I'm left doubting everything I thought I knew, except for the fact that I can communicated with ghosts. I'm pretty confident about that."

According to Bloodstone, several factors played a role in the couple's divorce. "But it was mostly lifestyle differences, because Ernie is a social butterfly and an insatiable lover of death. Poor Natalie just wants to read at home or maybe go sailing in the afternoons. I'm always getting that she loves the water, or being wet, or things that are blue."

A 2021 study in Online Publishing Module 972 - Evidence-Based Relationship Coaching, Dead Celebrities revealed that the most common factor associated with divorce in ghost marriages is a lack of eternal commitment. Bloodstone says that this divorce is a poignant reminder that marriages can be particularly challenging for the deceased. "They have all the same pitfalls as matrimony among the living, but you also have to consider the fact that Ernie was married to Tova for 39 years before he moved on from the mortal realm, and she died last year. And that bitch doesn't like to share."

Police Paleontologists Weigh in on Ancient Mystery: Did Fentanyl Wipe out the Dinosaurs?.....

Miami, FL - Paleontologists with the Miami Police Department have proposed a shocking theory that may finally answer one of nature's oldest mysteries.

A dinosaur, shown here prior to overdosing on inhaled space fentanyl, likely only experienced 4 of the 6 stages of grief before going extinct according to paleopsychologists

"Something happened that caused the sudden mass extinction of three out of every four animal species on this planet," police narcopaleontolgist David Caldicott explained. "And not just regular animals either. Even those really big ones with all the scary teeth. But fentanyl doesn't care how tough you are."

The Cretaceous-Paleogene extinction event has long been blamed on the impact of a massive asteroid roughly 12 kilometers wide, which is equivalent to taking 12 one kilometer asteroids and placing them end to end according to Caldicott. "Something that size is easier to wrap your head around if you break it into more manageable pieces. We learned that on day one of police paleontology school. But I don't buy it. We think it was fentanyl." Caldicott went on to add that Narcan wouldn't be invented for roughly 66 consecutive periods of one million years after the demise of the dinosaurs, but the science is still unclear on whether or not that would have been enough to prevent their extinction.

Fraggles Declared Dead After Tragic Cave Collapse.....

Fraggle Rock, Idaho - After several days of intense rescue efforts by an experienced team of Doozers, attempts at retrieving a group of Fraggles has been called off. The 22-inch tall underground dwelling humanoids that had been caught in a cave-in last week have now officially been declared dead.

Last surviving Fraggle Red, shown here drowning her sorrows in a cup of Boober's kohlrabi juice while missing her best friend Mokey, though taking some solace in her belief that Lanford is burning in hell like he deserves  

"I knew this would happen eventually," Red, a Fraggle who is now believed to be the last surviving member of the species, explained."It was only a matter of time before Gobo went and got himself killed, and I always worried that he would drag the rest of us down with him with his exploring. But ultimately it's that damn Travelling Matt's fault!"

A number of theories have been proposed as to why the near entirety of the Fraggle population had gathered in one of the lesser-known caves. Many Fraggleologists, based on a 5-year long documentary of Fraggle life filmed from 1983 to 1987, are convinced that the group was searching for a fresh supply of tasty Doozer scaffolding. A competing theory involves the establishment of a Fraggle cult built around the worship of an all-knowing and all-seeing Trash Heap.

Not everyone is upset about the tragic demise of the colorful critters, who were known for their love of radishes and music. According to Ma Gorg, the self-proclaimed Queen of the Universe, Fraggles were a nuisance that won't be missed. "Good riddance to those pests, those radish-stealing vermin!" Silly creature from outer space, and former North American Society of Tinkerers' Man of the Year Jerome Crystal seemed similarly unconcerned by the deadly accident. "What's a Fraggle? Did Shimmelfinney put you up to this?"

Advertisement: The Valley Movie is in Theaters Today!.....

[The following is a paid advertisement from Pointless Lives Atheist Productions. The views presented do not necessarily reflect those of Zoo Knudsen or of Knudsen's News.]

Atheist child Ratchet McCoy, played by militant evangelical Christian child Clank Burberry, shown here prior to realizing the utter uselessness of his dreams of a better life 

The Valley is a new atheist movie starring Glance Hudson. It tells the true story of Ratchet McCoy, a healthy child raised by atheists to never see any purpose in life but who nevertheless dreamed of being an astronaut for a few months before accepting the random and pointless nature of existence as the only true reality. Ratchet's father (played by Glance Hudson) was a doctor who struggled to understand why it even mattered if Ratchet followed his brief passion for exploring space, or if his patients' lived or died.

It's a powerfully soulless story that atheist families will watch! According to director Randy Watson, this is a movie that people will recommend to other people when they feel pretty sure that they are also atheists. "I set out to make an iconic atheist film in the classic sense, and one that will stand the test of time like Christmas Ends Tonight! and Fast and the Furious 16: Parking Lot Shenanigans."

The Valley is in theaters today! Sneak preview screenings start tonight, Monday the 4th, and the big opening is tomorrow (Tuesday, September 5th). Please support this atheist movie by seeing it in theaters and mentioning it to your friends and family, not that anything matters because all of this will one day be engulfed by the plasmic death throes of a dying Sun.

What are people saying about The Valley?

"May her fierce spirit guard the foals of spring whilst they pray for the souls of whoever made this abomination of a film, but the sound editing was really well done. Just top notch stuff from a very professional team."

- Pastor Check Wallace of the Universalist Congregation of Grebian Fundamentalism

"The characters really were played well, especially the father and Ratchet himself. I could relate to Ratchet needing to learn that nothing matters and to ignore his desire to follow his pointless dreams, so that he could merely exist as a puppet controlled by random events without the burden of free will, and how we will all eventually serve as nourishment for bacteria and other decomposers."

- Gladys Keiser

Lifesaving Toddler Chiropractor Raises Serious Ethical Concerns from Local Expert.....

Belvidere, NE - Only a week after saving the life of a Belvidere man during a chiropractic emergency at a local restaurant, 15-month-old Croaker Norge is being called out by town chiropractor and former supporter Frank Grimes.

Croaker Norge, shown here getting ready to make a house call on a patient with stagnant grimp caused by a submixated plectal remnant

"I don't care how innately skilled she is at evaluating the function of the human spine and correcting potentially deadly chiropractic subluxations," chiropractor Frank Grimes, DC, explained. "Once I learned that she was planning to open a clinic out of her Little Tikes playhouse, I had to say something because she doesn't have the training or experience needed to provide safe and effective chiropractic care. I think she maybe just got lucky that one time."

The controversy is rocking the small southeastern Nebraska town's population of somewhere between 47 and 99 people depending on how much you trust the government census, with some worried that it will end up tearing friends and families apart as they are forced to choose sides. Town mayor Spooner Jenkins has offered to serve as a mediator in the hopes that Croaker and Dr. Grimes can work out their differences and come to an amicable agreement. "I think if I can convince Frank to ease up on the threats of taking legal action, and get Croaker to at least wait until she's potty trained to see patients independently, we might just get through this without another uprising."