Thursday, February 8, 2024

Advertisement: World's First Concealed Holster Acupressure System for Sciatic Pain

[The following is a paid advertisement for the ReActiv+. The views presented do not necessarily reflect those of Zoo Knudsen or of Knudsen's News.] 

Sciatic nerve pain, commonly known as sciatica, affects millions of people around the world every day. The severe lower back and leg pain experienced by people with sciatica can make it hard to do many of the everyday things that we often take for granted, like yelling at people wearing an N95 surgical mask at the library, and it can significantly reduce a sufferer's quality of life. But does it put you and your family at risk of being murdered, probably by an immigrant that just walked across the border, just walked across like they were crossing the street to buy eggs?

You aren't safe...anywhere or at any time!

Sciatica expert Mort Fishman, one of the last white male physicians in America, shown here recommending the ReActiv+ holster because this isn't even America anymore

According to the American Gun Rights Institute, a sciatica patient is killed every 7 seconds because they don't have a real American weapon to protect themselves. Wouldn't it be amazing if there were a simple yet ingenious way to this treat sciatica while also helping to conceal a subcompact or compact handgun? Thanks to the ReActiv+ concealed holster acupressure system, now there is. It's true. Don't make me say it again!

Don't disrespect me!

The ingenious design of the ReActiv+ holster applies a specific and targeted pressure directly into the acupoint just below the knee that is proven most effective* in the reduction of sciatic nerve pain. You can wear it while playing with your kids, riding your bike, gardening, playing pickleball, or going into town to buy eggs. Now you can do everything you have ever dreamed of doing, and without having to worry about being gunned down in the street by a random stranger or being unable to gun down a random stranger who accidentally bumps into you while speaking Spanish. You'll feel powerful and people will respect you.

Ladies love an egg man!

The ReActiv+ holster allows you to live, to work, and to take back your country pain free. And though its stylish design would impress and/or terrify anyone you might encounter on the street, it is designed to be be worn discreetly under the clothes**. And it's so effective at treating sciatica that the FDA cleared it as a medical device that exists and probably won't kill you. Seriously. And on the first try too!

* As demonstrated in a triple blinded crossover study involving twelve arthritic mice who ate 15% more cheese when wearing a tiny holster on their little mouse legs 
** State laws may vary


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