More Americans Born Underwater, Study Finds.....

Chicago, IL - The surprising results of a recently published study looking into where Americans are choosing to have their babies were announced today outside of the Alternative Birthing Research Center at Advocate Illinois Masonic Medical Center.

A mother explaining to her child how the emptiness inside her will never be filled because she was forced into the world by a cold and sterile medical-industrial complex instead of welcomed by the loving energy of these fish 

"Although the study was designed to investigate the popularity and driving forces behind the delivery of babies in non-traditional settings, we were not expecting this," lead author Sansabelle LeCroix explained. "It looks like non-hospital delivery options have expanded well beyond the more traditional options, such as cars, elevators, or the kitchen table."

According to the study, which was published in Online Publishing Module #2,780: Birth and Birth-Adjacent Modalities, greater than 50% of Americans are now delivering their babies underwater, often with the assistance of an aquatic midwife, water doula, or theme park mermaid. Mort Fishman, MD, the medical director at Koi Babies Express Delivery Service and a retired urologist, thinks that the study reveals a greater focus on personal comfort and a desire for a more natural and drug-free childbirth:

When your bundle of joy is eased into the world by a school of koi fish, you wouldn't dream of even considering another species for your future deliveries! The only pain medicine you will need is the soothing energy of the fish, some calming aromatherapy, and this organic leather strap to bite down on so you don't break a tooth or bite off the tip of your tongue.

The results of the year-long survey may not come as much of a surprise to pop culture experts. A growing trend among celebrities over the past few years, so-called "extreme birthing", is even the subject of a Discovery Channel reality show. When Fergie and Josh Duhamel welcomed their son Axl Jack into the world while in a shark tank in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, cameras were there to catch the joyous event. Another episode documented Noah Bublé, son of singer Michael Bublé and singer Luisana Lopilato, emerging from the vaginal canal at 18,000 feet just after Lopilato's parachute deployed.