Study Shows Teens Get Alcohol From Adults.....

Washington-Sending shockwaves across the nation, a new study released today by the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration reveals that a significant percentage of the 10.8 million underage drinkers in America have been obtaining alcohol from adults, including their parents.

"We just didn't see this coming," acting Surgeon General Steven K. Galson explained. "Who would have thought that these kids were turning to adults to acquire ethanol for illegal consumption. This changes everything."

The results of the nationwide survey go against the grain of current accepted thinking on the subject of underage drinking. Until now, epidemiologists had believed that teens and adults under the age of 21 were making use of an underground network of moonshine production and distribution run by adolescent hillbillies. That and atheists.

Area Teen Briefly Contemplates Place in Universe Before Spitting on Customer's Hamburger.....

Portsmouth, NH-Just prior to spitting onto a customer's hamburger, area teen Lucas Shelby paused for just a moment to wonder about the origin of the universe and the meaningfulness of his existence.

"I was just about to hock a sick loogie in this guy's double bacon burger," Shelby explained. "And it just hit me you know, all at once like. I'm like, just this little speck. And like, my entire life is like not even an instant in geological time. What does it all mean? Why am I here and all that junk, you know. There has to be more to life than working at Arby's."

Dale Shermer, a frequent patron of Arby's and the recipient of the mucus soaked hamburger, was unaware of the significant introspective advance in Shelby's ability to understand the nature of his role in the cosmos. "That's wonderful," he revealed. "It's nice knowing that not all these punk kids think the world revolves around themselves. Wait, he did what?"