Scotland Yard Announces Amy Winehouse Made Entirely of Drugs.....

London-Detectives from Scotland Yard announced today during a press conference held at their headquarters at 10 Broadway that they have reason to believe that eclectic singer-songwriter Amy Winehouse now consists almost entirely of drugs.

"The evidence is nearly conclusive at this point," Metropolitan Police Commissioner Sir Ian Warwick Blair explained. "We have a variety of hair and tissue samples, as well as nearly a pint of various bodily fluids, and they are essentially made up of varying degrees of ethanol, heroin, crack and nicotine, with trace amounts of benzene and other industrial solvents."

Concerned for the safety of the citizens of London, who have only just begun to recover from the recent destruction of Heathrow Airport by an enraged Naomi Campbell, Blair has elevated Winehouse to a Category 5 hazardous material and is asking that a 500-foot safety zone be kept around the Grammy-winning artist until a suitable underground containment facility can be constructed.

Nancy Grace's Babies Not Eaten Yet.....

Atlanta, GA-Despite general expectations of the public, and the recent statements from a variety of news outlets, eye-witness and photographic evidence has revealed that Nancy Grace has not eaten her babies.

"I heard that she ate them last week on Fox News," amateur photographer Mark Flemming explained. "And when I saw her with one of them at a Krispy Kreme the other day I figured that maybe she had just eaten one of them. But then I saw the other kid in the car. I don't know what to believe anymore."

Disturbed by the false information being reported in the mainstream press, Grace held a press conference today to clear up any misconceptions regarding her plans to eat her 6-week-old twins. "Don't get me wrong America, I'm going to eat my babies when it feels right. The holidays are coming up so maybe I'll eat them on Christmas or perhaps on New Year's Eve. I haven't decided yet, but it's my decision."

Grace plans on returning to her hit CNN program, "Nancy Grace", on January 7th. In the meantime, you can catch her on most nights, prowling around Atlanta back alleys biting the heads off of rats, stray cats, and the occasional homeless person in order to drain their life essence.

Transformers Star Shia LaBeouf Calls for More Cootie Research.....

Burbank, CA-Heeding the call of researchers at the CDC, who discovered recently that cooties are becoming increasingly widespread among American children, popular actor Shia LaBeouf has emerged to champion the push for more research into the nature of this disease, and the drive for a cure.

"This is going to come as a shock to a lot of people," LaBeouf explained. "But I was diagnosed with cooties just last year. Yeah, they think I picked it up on the set of "Even Stevens", maybe from Christy Carlson Romano but nobody really knows for certain since she refuses to be tested to see if the strains match."

CDC researchers, such as Dr. Hammond St. Michelle, appreciate the added recognition that a star of LaBeouf's caliber brings but they are concerned about cootie research not being taken seriously. "Our understanding of cooties is so minimal at this point. We need to focus on the basics, such as how it is spread from person to person, what is the incubation time prior to the appearance of symptoms, and what can be done to treat already affected persons. We don't want this to become a game of who gave what to whom although in our scientific opinion Cameron Diaz is pretty nasty."