Class Nerd Really a Knockout
Savannah,Georgia- Classmates of Becky Belval were shocked this morning when the previously awkward and unpopular Chess Club president arrived, having become the most beautiful girl in the school and now certain to win the Homecoming Queen election in which she had been entered as a joke.
"This whole year I've had this crush on Brad, the arrogant captain of the football team, but I've been shy and he hasn't noticed me," the now radiant Belval explained. "But now I've realized that it doesn't matter what you look like on the outside, or how popular you are. All that really matters is what's on the inside."
After the intial wave of excitement set off by Ms. Belval's transformation into a super sexy and confident vision of beauty by simply removing her glasses and letting her hair down, senior Brad Remington remarked "Dude, I'm totally going to nail that chick at prom! Unless the goofy nerd that's been in love with her since they were kids figures out some way to foil my plan."
Showing posts with label Education. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Education. Show all posts
Wednesday, June 4, 2008
Wednesday, March 5, 2008
Scientists Discover Link Between Poor Memory and Low Test Scores.....
County Durham, England-In an emergency press conference held today at a local Beef O'Bradys Pub and Haberdashery, researchers from Durham university announced the discovery of a link between below average memory and educational difficulty.
"Students rely on memory for a variety of school-related tasks, such as remembering things they have heard or read," lead researcher Heathcliff Barclay explained. "Intuitively we've always figured that memory played a role in academic success, but it's taken until now to prove it."
In order to test their theory, the team of scientists developed a cutting edge technique of mimicking the poor memory found naturally in some children, which is believed to be genetic in origin. Using functional MRI, neurosurgeons were able to remove varying amounts of the parts of the brain associated with memory from over 3,ooo children purchased from local families with grant money provided by Globodyne Industries. A direct correlation between the degree of brain reduction and difficulty remembering items from a list was revealed, and shown to be statistically significant.
"We hope that this study will lead to increased awareness and improved recognition of children with poor memory so that they can be properly contained and isolated from society," Barclay revealed. "Only then can these young boys and girls be properly prepared for their role as human cattle in Globodyne's apocalyptic vision of the future."
"Students rely on memory for a variety of school-related tasks, such as remembering things they have heard or read," lead researcher Heathcliff Barclay explained. "Intuitively we've always figured that memory played a role in academic success, but it's taken until now to prove it."
In order to test their theory, the team of scientists developed a cutting edge technique of mimicking the poor memory found naturally in some children, which is believed to be genetic in origin. Using functional MRI, neurosurgeons were able to remove varying amounts of the parts of the brain associated with memory from over 3,ooo children purchased from local families with grant money provided by Globodyne Industries. A direct correlation between the degree of brain reduction and difficulty remembering items from a list was revealed, and shown to be statistically significant.
"We hope that this study will lead to increased awareness and improved recognition of children with poor memory so that they can be properly contained and isolated from society," Barclay revealed. "Only then can these young boys and girls be properly prepared for their role as human cattle in Globodyne's apocalyptic vision of the future."
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
More Preschoolers Facing Increased Academic Pressure.....
Chicago, IL-When architect Joan Wallace dropped her 3-year-old daughter Hannah off at preschool this morning, she hugged her, handed over her lunchbox, and took one more opportunity to go over a few flash cards.
"A caterpillar!" Hannah exclaimed proudly as her mother held up a card featuring a lepidoptera in its larval form. Her mother sighed. "Caterpillar won't get you into Harvard sweetheart."
"Flowers!" She excitedly yelled out, a frown formed on her mother's face. "It's only partial credit. These are Siam Roses. Come on Hannah, you know these!"
After a quick run through the alphabet and the first 5 prime numbers, Wallace kissed her daughter goodbye and headed off to work with a look of concern on her face. "Hannah just isn't progressing like she should be. If she doesn't excel now, then how can we expect her to rise to the challenges of a competitive kindergarten. And if she drops the ball in kindergarten just forget it. She'll be flipping burgers for sure!"
Wallace may come across as a little high strung, and perhaps she is placing too much emphasis on the academic performance of a 3-year-old, but today's stressful learning environment is leading to more and more encounters such as this. It is becoming increasingly more difficult for children to keep up with the rigorous lesson plans and homework, let alone to stand out as stellar students. It is this pressure to perform that experts believe is behind the increasing numbers of preschool dropouts.
But rising truancy rates are not the only problem that school officials are experiencing. Tina Crabbins, a teacher at the Primrose Academy Preschool where Hannah Wallace is enrolled, has seen sharp increases in cheating as well. "Yesterday I caught a student with the names of the primary colors written on her wrist during a pop quiz. She can't even read. How did she think that was going to help? She's a little slow."
Another disturbing trend is the increasing number of 2 and 3-year-old students being diagnosed with learning disabilities. Crabbins explained that "Since more is being expected of these young scholars, hidden learning disabilities are bound to be exposed in more children than in the past. If something isn't done, the weaker students are at high risk of slipping through the cracks of the system. It is difficult for a 3-year old to make it in the real world without at least a basic understanding of the four seasons."
"A caterpillar!" Hannah exclaimed proudly as her mother held up a card featuring a lepidoptera in its larval form. Her mother sighed. "Caterpillar won't get you into Harvard sweetheart."
"Flowers!" She excitedly yelled out, a frown formed on her mother's face. "It's only partial credit. These are Siam Roses. Come on Hannah, you know these!"
After a quick run through the alphabet and the first 5 prime numbers, Wallace kissed her daughter goodbye and headed off to work with a look of concern on her face. "Hannah just isn't progressing like she should be. If she doesn't excel now, then how can we expect her to rise to the challenges of a competitive kindergarten. And if she drops the ball in kindergarten just forget it. She'll be flipping burgers for sure!"
Wallace may come across as a little high strung, and perhaps she is placing too much emphasis on the academic performance of a 3-year-old, but today's stressful learning environment is leading to more and more encounters such as this. It is becoming increasingly more difficult for children to keep up with the rigorous lesson plans and homework, let alone to stand out as stellar students. It is this pressure to perform that experts believe is behind the increasing numbers of preschool dropouts.
But rising truancy rates are not the only problem that school officials are experiencing. Tina Crabbins, a teacher at the Primrose Academy Preschool where Hannah Wallace is enrolled, has seen sharp increases in cheating as well. "Yesterday I caught a student with the names of the primary colors written on her wrist during a pop quiz. She can't even read. How did she think that was going to help? She's a little slow."
Another disturbing trend is the increasing number of 2 and 3-year-old students being diagnosed with learning disabilities. Crabbins explained that "Since more is being expected of these young scholars, hidden learning disabilities are bound to be exposed in more children than in the past. If something isn't done, the weaker students are at high risk of slipping through the cracks of the system. It is difficult for a 3-year old to make it in the real world without at least a basic understanding of the four seasons."
Saturday, August 25, 2007
Medical School Admissions Committee Makes Mistake.....
New Orleans, LA-Despite claims to the contrary being frequently used as a source of inspiration for students at the Louisiana State University Health Sciences Center, it was revealed today that the medical school admissions committee has made a mistake.
"Who knew that the position of Assistant Janitor in the Medical Education Building would involve so many long hours of studying and such difficult tests," Jim Fahr, 1st year medical student at LSUHSC revealed.
Susan Hanna, a classmate of Mr. Fahr, expressed relief upon hearing of the committee's error. "Now I understand why Jim was always cleaning up the lecture hall after class."
"Who knew that the position of Assistant Janitor in the Medical Education Building would involve so many long hours of studying and such difficult tests," Jim Fahr, 1st year medical student at LSUHSC revealed.
Susan Hanna, a classmate of Mr. Fahr, expressed relief upon hearing of the committee's error. "Now I understand why Jim was always cleaning up the lecture hall after class."
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