Scientists Speak Out Against Genetically Modified Crops.....

Bucksnort, TN-An emergency meeting of some of the top scientific minds in the world is being held today in Bucksnort to discuss legitimate concerns regarding the safety and ethics of introducing genetically modified crops into the human food supply.

"Genetical modification occurs when scientists create new forms of life in a laboratory," Chiropractor Frank Grimes explained. "These are plants, insects, and animals that have never existed and have no natural ecosystem in which to exist. This blatantly ignores Newton's 2nd Law of Thermodynamics and the Bible."

Meeting coordinator Tim-Bob Alvarez, a Doctor of Tobaccology, further revealed that "Genetically modified crops specifically are plants into which scientists have inserted new genes that have been taken from animals. For example, a potato that can survive in colder weather can be made by inserting a gene from a cold water fish. Unfortunately it is difficult to control for things like scales forming on the potato or the potato having a strong fishy odor. Most scientists who aren't in the pocket of the GM crop industry are concerned that the same thing might happen to people after ingestion of these potatoes."

Genetically modified crops are known to be more aggressive than natural varieties according to some of the attending experts. Dane Cook, a comedian and environmental activist serving as the keynote speaker, stated that "This means that when GM crops are released into the environment they could spread out of control. This could mean the destruction of all non-GM crops. We may soon live in a world where starving children in Africa won't even have the option of choosing between natural and GM crops."

Genetically modified crops are often designed to be more hardy and resistent to destruction by insects that easily destroy natural varieties. Alvarez, always the skeptic, pointed out that "This might seem like a good thing but what about when we need to destroy the GM crops because they are taking over all of our available land. Scientists will be forced to create genetically modified insects that can eat the genetically modified crops. But who will be able to defeat the insects?"

Not suprisingly, today's meeting of the minds actually raised more questions than it answered. But those taking part have sworn to continue their tireless efforts to root out the hidden dangers of genetically modified crops, even in the face of contrary evidence. "Ignoring data that fails to support one's conclusion isn't easy," Dr. Grimes explained. "But it is the mark of a true hero to stand up for one's beliefs no matter how wrong they might be."

Genetically Modified Rice Resists Extreme Weather.....

St. Louis, MO-Scientists at the Monsanto Company's Rice Research Institute announced today that their efforts to bioengineer a new kind of rice, one that is resistant to the effects of extreme weather, have been successful.

"This new crop will revolutionize the way rice is grown around the world, particularly in Asia where around three billion people depend on it to survive," Monsanto CEO Hugh Grant explained. "This monumental achievement will become even more important on a global scale as climate change leads to more and more extreme weather."

Johnny Moseley, Olympic gold medalist in men's freestyle skiing and legendary X-Games competitor, has signed on to promote Monsanto's new product around the world. "When I first heard about Monsanto's rad new product X-Treme Rice, I just had to be involved because being extreme is what I'm all about to the extreme. And the more I learned about this totally in your face product the more stoked I became. But seriously, global warming is not cool."