Feng Shui Update.....

Boston, MA-Harvard researcher Michael Clouse has taken his study of the ancient Chinese art of furniture arranging to new heights today by going under the knife in an effort to use the principles of Feng Shui in the placement of his internal organs. Sadly it has cost him his life.

"When Mr. Clouse first came to me with his odd ideas about human organ Feng Shui, my immediate reaction was one of shock and disgust," Tufts-NEMC surgeon Barry Skinner explained. "But then he showed me the research. One study looked at organ Feng Shui in gerbils and found significant increases in exercise wheel use and 28% shinier fur."

Simon Southall, Chairman of the Feng Shui Society, revealed "We have nothing but the utmost respect for Mr. Clouse and his interest in adding to the mountains of evidence supporting the medical benefits of Feng Shui." Surgeon Skinner added "Perhaps I was rash in agreeing to take this project on. I don't think that God meant for so many organs to occupy such a small space."

Today's Gerbils Sleeker, More Aerodynamic.....

Cape Canaveral, FL-Compared to gerbils from even just a few years ago, today's "desert rats" are more aerodynamic and emit fewer pollutants into the atmosphere than their predecessors.

"The evidence is pretty solid," NASA rodentologist Frank Hines explained today on Good Morning Flint. "Extensive wind tunnel testing shows that gerbils suffer one third of the wind resistance, or drag, that effects other rodent."

The repercussions of these findings are likely to stir up controversy in a number of related fields. Astrobiologist Fran Gernstrawn stated in a NASA press conference held to announce the results of the study that "These findings vindicate our call for financial support of research on gerbil powered space flight." It is unclear if the shockwaves of these findings will reach as far as the International Olympic Committee, which has just approved rodent hurling as an demonstration sport.