Energy Researchers Reveal Suprising Solution to US Dependency on Foreign Oil.....

St. Augustine, FL-The growing threat of a global warming induced ecological disaster has led many in the scientific community to begin research into cleaner alternative energy sources, and the cutting-edge investigators from the Quantum Quest School of Advanced Energy Healing are no exception. In an emergency press conference, held today in the show room of a local Honda dealership, members of the team of energy specialists from Quantum Quest announced that they have discovered a virtually limitless source of clean energy.

"Energy in the materialist paradigm is typically thought of as measurable with specific instruments, such as with heat, light, or cosmic radiation," head researcher Clemp O'Callahan, a mind-body healer with over 30-years of experience in energy, explained. "The subtle but powerful aura of energy surrounding each and every human being is equally real, though until now it has been largely ignored by closed-minded skeptics. But with the use of an advanced generation two Superconducting Quantum Interference Device, or SQUID, we have finally proven that our bodies are receiving stations for energy and also, and this is where our research focused, transmitters of this energy."

To the awe and delight of the crowd gathered to hear the team's presentation, a demonstration of the power of human energy involving the connecting of team member Phinneaus McClintock to a 2006 used Honda Insight, was run to illustrate the principles of transforming human energy into mechanical work. "It was amazing," excited bystander Geraldine McClintock revealed. "Everyone could just feel the increased raw power in the car when Phinny was hooked up to it. It sounded like it could drive for miles without any need for a carbon based power source."

Unfortunately, the demonstration was ended before a team of physicists from nearby St. Augustine Technical College could perform tests on the car. Health related concerns were to blame according to the team, which revealed that McClintock had suddenly begun to suffer from aura disturbances. "When I went from my usual orange-red to a dark brown, almost black, I knew I had to call it off." The team is postponing any further demonstrations in order to focus on fundraising.

Now that science has finally caught up with the potential of subtle human energy fields, something that has been well-established in the mind-body medicine community for centuries, the next step according to O'Callahan is translating the bench work into large-scale results. "If we are going to decrease our dependence on fossil fuels, we are going to need a lot of human energy."

O'Callahan and the team are considering a variety of options, ranging from portable devices designed to syphon energy on an individual basis for personal use to massive power plants where literally millions of humans are held against their will as their life energy is slowly drained. He admits that there are pros and cons to each approach. "With one, we may not end up being able to significantly decrease the global carbon footprint, and with the other, there are some potential issues regarding human rights violations."

Further complicating the problem is the need, if the team ends up going with the enslavement of a third of the human population as a clean energy source, to devise a means of meeting the psychological needs of the human batteries. "We're pretty sure they will need entertainment but are torn between plugging them into some kind of illusory simulated reality or just buying a bunch of Wiis."

Cryptozoologists Call for More Research into Cause of Global Warming.....

Keyport, WA-As concerns of a causal role of mankind in rising global temperatures mount, a panel of experts in the field of cryptozoology called today for more research into the impact of animals falling outside of conventional zoological catalogs as well as for caution in jumping to etiological conclusions.

"The average dairy cow expels anywhere from 26 to 132 gallons of methane per day," respected cryptozoologist Jay Helgenberger explained. "That's a lot of methane, about what a car produces in a day in fact. If you take into account the established fact that the average sasquatch weighs roughly 2,030 pounds, I don't think you need a plaster mold of that carbon footprint to see it's pretty impressive. And don't even get me started on Nessie!"

The panel of experts made their announcement after a full week of reviewing the cryptozoological literature pertaining to global warming, and watching a number of amateur videos of the phenomenon. "I don't think even the hardiest skeptic could maintain their denial after viewing eleven hours of grainy long distance footage of El Chupacabra clearing millions of acres of rainforest." revealed Helgenberger.

Recycled Can of Diet Shasta Ends Threat of Global Warming.....

Franklin, TN-Suburban housewife Katherin Cortez effectively ended the growing threat of global warming today by recycling a partially filled can of Diet Shasta.

Climatologist Cliff Bankston has been tracking the effects of the recycled aluminum soft drink container. "Glaciers are reforming, mean temperatures are plummeting and atmospheric carbon dioxide levels are stabilizing, and in some areas even trending sharply down. This is why recycling programs were started in the first place, that is, to alter the global climate like this."

"I was just trying to do my part for the environments," Ms. Cortez explains. "Think globally and act locally you know. One person can make a difference." Not satisfied with the ending of one of the single greatest threats to mankind's existence, Ms. Cortez has now set her sights on curing breast cancer by wearing a pink ribbon lapel pin.