Knudsen's History: February 7, 2008.....

On February 7th, in the year 1978, as prophesied in the ancient texts of a number of cultures, including the inhabitants of southern Mesopotamia in the 4th millenium BC, the Egyptian Book of Life, and the Heichalot literature of Kabbalah, American actor Ashton Kutcher was born. It has been foretold that, in addition to being nominated for the 2001 MTV Movie Award for Breathrough Male Performance for his role in Dude, Where's My Car?, he shall lead a great army of man and angels in open warfare against an evil hoarde of demons and alien invaders.

Knudsen's History: February 4, 2008.....

On February 4, in the year 2008, the National Aeronautics and Space Administration (NASA) beamed the Beatles song "Across The Universe" to the star Polaris, located some 431 light years from the Earth, costing taxpayers 37 billion dollars. Not to be outdone, the China National Space Administration has sent a cryogenically frozen Jackie Chan into deep space aboard a state of the art Change Zheng 6 expendable launch system.

Knudsen's History: January 31, 2008.....

On January 31st, in the year 1930, 3M began marketing Scotch Tape. The product, a transparant piece of cellophane with one side coated in a pressure sensitive adhesive, was invented by Richard G. Drew as a means of maintaining pacifier compliance in a newborn infants suffering from colic. The adhesive, though effective at keeping the pacifier in the child's mouth, is not so strong as to damage skin upon removal. In addition, the transparancy allowed for the visualization of the perioral skin should cyanosis from lack of oxygen occur.

Knudsen's History: January 10, 2007.....

On January 10th, in the year 236, Fabian began his career as a Catholic Pope. A former Roman teen idol, he rose to fame performing several times on Roman Bandstand, hosted by a young Dick Clark, and entertaining thousands of citizens at sold out concerts at the Colloseum. While little is known of Fabian's time as head of the Catholic church, his music career ended with the payola scandal of the 220's.

Knudsen's History: January 9th, 2008.....

On January 9th, in the year 2006, The Phantom of the Opera surpassed the record set by Cats for the title of longest running show on Broadway. Setting the record for the briefest Broadway run that same year, clocking in at 2.5 seconds of what critics have referred to as the equivalent of shoving a small badger into your ear canal, was an updated version of The Music Man starring Gilbert Gottfried as Professor Harold Hill.

Knudsen's History: January 3rd, 2008.....

On January 3rd, in the year 1888, the 91 cm refracting telescope at Lick Observatory, which is located just outside of San Jose, California, was used for the first time. The telescope, which was the largest in the world at the time, allowed astronomers to discover a number of objects in deep space, including several of Jupiter's moons. But the most memorable events involving the telescope revolve around the observatory's first director, Edward Singleton Holden.

E. S. "Ed" Holden, suffering from boredom, took to spying on neighbors in adjacent states with the use of the powerful 36-inch refracting telescope, and was able to obtain clear views of the back of several apartment buildings, their inner courtyard, and the persons dwelling within. Over time, Ed came to believe that a murder had taken place in the building across the courtyard in nearby San Francisco, though his friends, his graduate student Stella, and his girlfriend, Elise Karrel Freeman initially thought that he was imagining the whole affair.

After the several days travel necessary to reach San Francisco, Ed eventually was confronted by the suspected murderer, Hans Odinwald, who pushed him out of a window after an intense struggle. The police arrived in time to arrest Odinwald for the murder of his wife. Ed was then able to return to the observatory just in time to discover several extrasolar planets.

Knudsen's History: December 31st, 2007.....

Editorial
by Steve

On December 31, in the year 1997, Quaker Oats and the Massachusetts Institute of Technology settled a lawsuit regarding their involvement in experiments which exposed more than 100 institutionalized mentally retarded children to radioactive oatmeal from 1945 to 1956. Though under the deceptive guise of attempting to prove that the nutrients in Quaker oatmeal travel throughout the body, the true goal of the experiments were to create an army of superhuman mutants to aid in Quaker Oats' mission of world domination.

It is well known that the founders of the company chose to use the trademarked smiling man in Quaker garb because Quakers, in addition to standing for good quality and honest value, have long desired to rule the nations of the earth with rosy cheeks and an iron fist. But it was not until the company's fateful choice to use actor Wilford Brimley in their now infamous 1980's ad campaign that the board of directors truly focused on complete control of the planet and all of its inhabitants.

The ads, which ran simultaneously on every television station in the world at the top of each hour for almost 15 years, showed a piping hot bowl of oatmeal being handed to a young disheveled child who stood in the front of a long line of equally dirty and malnourished men, women, and children. The boy's eyes light up as he begins to devour the oatmeal, and he is stood against a wall where he is shot through the back of the skull. The camera zooms in on the half eaten bowl of oatmeal, which is now beginning to fill with the bright red blood pouring from the dead young child. Brimley's voice then booms over a loudspeaker placed above the muddy pen where more people are held, saying "Complete subservience. It's the right thing to do and the tasty way to do it."

If not for the heroic efforts of the surviving super soldiers created by the radioactive oatmeal some 40 years before, this grim picture of the future may have become a reality. Although some experts fear that the company is beginning to once again work on their nefarious plans to hold dominion over mankind. This time, with the FDA in the pockets, as well as the bulk of the medical establishment, Quaker Oats is primed to make significant advances in doing just that. Their products have already been legally allowed to claim heart health benefits, and soon they will be allowed to advertise as preventing cancer, autism, erectile dysfunction, and male pattern baldness. Once the doctors are in league with them, the lawyers will be next, and then the pathway to ultimate power is clear.

Knudsen's History: December 30, 2007.....

On December 30th, in the year 1974, the Church of Scientology was officially recognized in the United States, marking the first significant progress made in undoing the dastardly machinations of a galactic dictator over 75 million years ago, and his evil minions in the psychiatric community that continue to oppress the citizens here on planet Teegeeack.

Knudsen's History: December 27th, 2007.....

On December 27th, in the year 1831, Charles Darwin embarked on his journey aboard the HMS Beagle, where he would first formulate his theory of evolution. Franklin Pierce Robertson, great-grandfather of Pat Robertson declared in response that "I’d like to say to the good crew of the Beagle. If there is a storm in your area, don’t turn to God, you just rejected Him from your vessel. And don’t wonder why He hasn’t helped you when problems begin, if they begin. I’m not saying they will, but if they do, just remember, you just voted God off your ship. And if that’s the case, don’t ask for His help because he might not be there." Robertson would go on to call for United States covert operatives to "take him out".

Knudsen's History: December 26th, 2007.....

On December 26th, in the year 1793, the wedding of Prince Friedrich Ludwig of Prussia and Duchess Frederica of Mecklenburg-Strelitz took place. After a beautiful ceremony, a reception was held in the royal palace ballroom where entertainment was provided by The Magical Flutes, a Mozart cover band. A wonderful time was had by all, however the bride was quite embarrased when Uncle Steve took to the dance floor and did the robot during a rousing performance of "Wer ein Liebchen hat gefunden" from Act I Scene II of Die Entführung aus dem Serail.

Knudsen's History: December 24th, 2007.....

On December 24th, in the year 1906, Reginald Fessenden transmitted the first radio broadcast out of Brant Rock, Massachusetts. This first program, called Reggie F and the Morning Zoo Crew, consisted of a Bible reading, violin solo, and a review of Upton Sinclair's novel The Jungle. Fessenden was fined $1.25 by the fledgling Federal Communications Commission for the brazen use of the words bum and tarnation as well as for encouraging local women to join him in the studio to show off their ankles. Halfway through the broadcast, the tenth caller won a pair of tickets to see Tobiath Keith in concert.

Knudsen's History: December 21st, 2007.....

On December 21st, in the year 1968, Apollo 8, the first manned mission to the moon, was launched from the Kennedy Space Center in Florida. The crew would go on to become the first humans to leave the Earth's gravity field. While in orbit around the moon, the crew made a Christmas Eve television broadcast in which they read from the book of Genesis and sacrificed a goat to thank God for their safe journey. On the return trip, and prior to reentering Earth's atmosphere, astronaut Jim Lovell released several doves. While most were burned up in the mesosphere, one returned to the shuttle bearing an olive branch.

Knudsen's History: December 20th, 2007.....

On December 20th, in the year 2005, United States District Court Judge John E. Jones III ruled against mandating the teaching of the scientific theory of Intelligent Design in the Kitzmiller v. Dover Area School District trial. This proved to be a serious blow to those who have struggled for years to bring the truth of the literal interpretation of the Bible into our public schools where, sadly, many young schoolchildren flagrantly round the corners of their beards without fear of being stoned to death.

Knudsen's History: December 19, 2007.....

On December 19th, in the year 1986, American author V. C. Andrews, who penned such classics as Flowers in the Attic and If There Be Thorns died at the age of 63. Her passing was a sad day, leaving future generations of American children without a proper means of discovering the joys, and realities, of consensual underage incest.

Knudsen's History: December 18th, 2007.....

On December 18th, in the year 1737, Italian violin maker Antonio Stradivari died. He is widely regarded as the creator of the finest stringed instruments ever made by humans and his death tipped the cosmic scales such that balance would not be found again until, coincidentally, Christina Aguilera was born on the same date in 1980.

Knudsen's History: December 17th, 2007.....

On December 17th, in the year 1969, the USAF closed its study of UFOs, known as Project Blue Book, stating that sightings were generated as a result of "A mild form of mass hysteria, individuals who fabricate such reports to perpetrate a hoax or seek publicity, psychopathological persons, and misidentification of various conventional objects."

The obvious flaw in this conclusion is that it did not take into account the existence of a vast conspiracy involving the executive, judicial, and legislative branches of the United States government, the entirety of the United States military, government workers across all levels, city and state police and fire departments, the medical establishment, the pharmaceutical industry, the aliens, the abductees, thousands of eye witnesses and film developers, the movie industry, the Italian Maffia, the Yakuza (Japanese Maffia), Bill Gates, Ted Turner, me, and many thousands of addition parties.

Thankfully there are those brave men and women who face certain death in revealing the existence of this conspiracy to the world.

Knudsen's News: December 16th, 2007.....

On December 16th, in the year 1937, Theodore Cole and Ralph Roe attempted one of the most daring prison breaks in the history of the American penal system when they escaped from the federal facility on Alcatraz Island in San Francisco Bay. Neither of the men were ever seen again, and many experts have expressed doubts that they could have survived in the strong currents and freezing cold water.

Amazingly, Nostradamus himself had predicted the event in the recently discovered 43rd quatrain from Century VII in the third edition of The Prophecies:

"On the night of repose amongst the stocks;
the armament shall yield to a single defect.
Moonlight and a cold reception awaits the brothers,
and the depths accept their brazen entreaty."

During a recent taping of world-renowned psychic John Edward's television program Cross Country, which took place Alcatraz Island, the best-selling author and communicator with the deceased contacted two men with first names that started with a J, T, M, R, Z, Q, L, or Y who enjoyed being around the water. It was later confirmed by both an independant psychic and a Ouiji Board that the two men were the Theodore Cole and Ralph Roe.

Knudsen's History: December 15th, 2007.....

On December 15th, in the year 1791, the United States Bill of Rights became law when it was ratified by the Virginia legislature. The First Amendment, also known as the Establishment clause, has for years confused judges and other government officials, even as high up as the Supreme Court, because of a rather unfortunate series of typographical errors in the first printing. The original wording is as follows:

"Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion except for Jesus, or prohibiting the free exercise of placing the Ten Commandments in federal court houses alongside inflatable nativity scenes; or abridging the freedom of speech about accepting Jesus into our hearts, or of the press, especially The 700 Club or anything said or written by Pat Robertson; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble to worship Jesus in public school classrooms and during football halftimes, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances from evil atheists who want to take Christ out of Christmas. Dear Lord, Our Heavenly Father, please bless this Bill of Rights, We Praise you, Amen."

Naturally this flies in the face of those misinformed secularists who claim that there is no mention of God, or Jesus, or even The 700 Club in the United States Constitution.

Knudsen's History: December 14th, 2007.....

On December 14th, in the year 1902, the Commercial Pacific Cable Company placed the first Pacific telegraph cable, which ran from Ocean Beach, San Francisco to Honolulu, Hawaii. Sadly, this technological advancement would only incur the wrath of Pele, the goddess of fire and volcanoes. This curse has long been blamed for a number of calamities ranging from the 1906 earthquake that crippled the city, leaving over 400,000 inhabitants without homes, to the rising cost of living. Thankfully the curse was lifted by the efforts of the Brady family, who in 1972 returned a stolen tiki idol to its burial cave. Don Ho also played a pivotal role.

Knudsen's History: December 13th, 2007.....

On December 13th, in the year 1973, Claude Maurice Marcel Vorilhon claims to have met an extraterrestrial being named Yahweh, during an alleged UFO encounter in Puy de Lassolas, France. He would go on to take the name Rael, and to find the courage in a world already saturated with countless phony religions and cults to cry out "me too!". He eventually founded and became leader of the Raelian Movement, lending further support to the scientific consensus that French people ain't right.