Author J.K. Rowling Stuns Fans with More Harry Potter Revelations.....

London-Perhaps encouraged by the generally positive response to her revelation that the beloved character Albus Dumbledore is gay, Harry Potter author J.K. Rowling held an emergency press conference today in the parking lot of an Ian McKellen's Kebab and Beefburger Takeaway to courageously announce more stunning insights into the popular series.

Fans lined up for blocks for the opportunity to hear Rowling speak, many who braved the harsh weather to support the author's message of tolerance. "This is such a victory of homosexuality," outspoken gay and lesbian rights activist, and Stonewall member, Wendy Hong explained. "J.K. chose to out Dumbledore after several years of raking in massive amounts of money and fame from her fans, a significant portion of which would not have continued to read the books had they known he was gay, and despite a complete lack of anything even remotely homosexual about the character. That is the definition of courage in my book."

As feared by American Christian fundamentalists, since the knowledge of Dumbledore's sexual orientation became public last October, children all over the world are now, in addition to practicing witchcraft and other occult arts, becoming gayer than ever. "Dumbledore is awesome, and I can't wait for other little children to hear about this," typical American child Jonah Huntington revealed. "I am so insanely gay now!"

Rowling first entertained the crowd with a reading from the final chapter of the last installment of the Harry Potter series. Then, after a performance by Coldplay frontman Chris Martin and a poem by Dame Edna Everage, Rowling returned to the stage to announce that Hermione is an illegal Mexican immigrant and that Ron is a stem cell.

New Book of the Bible to be Published.....

Vatican City-In response to sagging book sales, and the loss of a number of readers to the enormously successful Harry Potter series and popular television programs such as Heroes and Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?, religious authorities have hired a ghostwriter to pen a new installment to the Gospels of the Bible, the best selling literary work of all time.

"One of the most unsatisfying aspects of the Bible is the poor character development of the character known as Jesus," ghostwriter Frank Sarpong explained. "He's got a mysterious past, exciting superpowers, and the kind of tormented angst that today's 18-35 crowd can relate to, but just when things are getting going, bam he's dead, buried, and ascended."

In addition to providing some new details regarding the events that took place during his 30 years as a carpenter, a time largely left shrouded in mystery in other books of the Bible, the new books will focus on the origin of Jesus's supernatural abilities such as altering the density of his body, changing the chemical make-up of fluids, and creating matter. Sarpong is looking to give Jesus a modern take. "The whole God did it reason isn't flying with today's more savvy readers anymore. I haven't decided whether to go with genetic mutation or alien technology yet, but either way he's going to be fighting crime, and possibly dinosaurs."