Local Businesses to Offer Discounts for Federally Protected Witnesses.....

New York-Starting today, New Yorkers lucky enough to be enrolled in the Federal Witness Protection Program will be able to take advantage of some wonderful savings at local businesses.

"I don't know why we didn't think of this sooner," Tony's Pizza owner Tony "Knuckles" Fabiano explained. "These guys are out there putting their lifes on the line. It's the least we could do. So one of these guys could come in to the shop and bam, he'd gets a free pizza made special just for him. And I'll tell you, I really just wanna watch the guy eat that pizza. I wanna watch him eat all of that damn pizza!"

In addition to a number of pizzerias taking part, there are Italian restaurants, gentleman's clubs, trucking companies, and garbage collection agencies adding to the businesses offering substantial savings to federal witnesses. Businessman James "3 Fingers" Rabito revealed that "Yeah, we got somethin special for these guys. Like a trip far away that they might never come back from if you know what I mean. Maybe cause they wanted to spend some time with the fishes or something. I hear Acapulco is nice this time of year."