Life Expectancy of Classical Musicians Suprisingly Low.....

Liverpool, UK-Long thought to be a low-risk lifestyle, classical music is slowly coming to be known as one of the more dangerous occupations according to a new study out of the Centre for Public Health at Liverpool's John Moores University, and published in the prestigious Journal of Epidemiology and Community Health.

"Most people associate early death with rock and roll stars and not classical musicians," Lead researcher Dame Shinga Salisbury explained in an emergency press conference held today in the family room of a local Judy Dench's Fish and Chips. "Between 1956 and 2005 there were 100 deaths among the 1,064 musicians we examined. What we are trying to do is expose the sordid underbelly of the industry in the hopes that a number of future casualties might be avoided."

The study found that classical musicians were most at risk in the first five years after being named first chair in their respective orchestra, with death rates more than three times higher than normal amongst woodwinds and up to 5 times higher in the brass section. But Dame Salisbury discovered a suprising correlation between stringed instruments and premature demise. "The violinists in our study seemed to drop like flies. And while the brass section deaths typically resulted from blunt trauma to the skull, the violinists often went down with a bow to the neck, severing the jugular vein."

Spice Girls Named as Suspicious Persons in Lubbock Murder.....

Lubbock, TX-The Spice Girls, a British female pop group that rose to fame last decade selling over 50 million records before going their seperate ways in 2000, have been named today as suspicious persons in the investigation of the murder of a Lubbock family.

"We aren't used to these kinds of horrific crimes in Lubbock," Chief of Police Wayne Payton explained. "We were really at a loss until we heard the news about the Spice Girls."

The news that Detective Payton is referring to was the announcement that the Spice Girl's reunion and world tour had kicked off with a bang in Vancouver on December 2nd, just one day prior to the grisly events in Lubbock.

"There was plenty of time for them to make it to Lubbock, shoot the 7 victims execution-style, dismember their corpses with a machete, cook and eat the victim's genitals, and return to Vancouver for the concert. We don't have a motive yet, but this is just too big of a coincidence to be ignored."

The Spice Girl's have so far refused to comment on these serious allegations.

City Council Meeting Disrupted by Spontaneous Song and Dance Number.....

Centerton,AR-An emergency meeting of the Centerton City Council was disrupted today when Mayor Jon Billings broke into a song and dance routine, forcing the majority of the eight member council as well as most of the press and attending public to join in.

"It's absurd that these impromptu, impeccably choreographed numbers still occur in this day and age, but with the popularity of recent movies like Chicago, and television shows like Cop Rock and Viva Laughlin, we've been experiencing more and more of them," Councilmember Dan LaRose explained. "It sounds like it would be a lot of fun, and it is at first, but I'm 53 years old and recently had heart surgery. Somebody could get hurt."

Members of the City Council aren't the only ones upset about the recent spate of spontaneous musical productions. Local parent Tina Watson is concerned about the effect on her children. "My son, he's a senior at Centerton High, was late for a test because one of the Jenkins boys decided to sing about being in love with some girl from Russelville."