Experts Predict Possible Extinction of the Letter "S".....

New Haven, CT-In an emergency press conference held today in the parking lot of Vinny's Food Store in New Haven, Yale orthographer Giff Gundersen announced that the letter "s", as in salamander and sensible salty soup, may be almost entirely fazed out of the english language in the next 5 to 10 years.

"It is possible that words beginning with the letter will survive this alphabetological genocide," Gundersen explained. "But current trends are pointing to a near total loss of the letter in other positions, particularly in words ending with "s", where the more popular letter "z" is being substituted."

The business community, primarily companies that market to kidz, first initiated the increasingly commonplace replacement of "s" with "z" with the now infamous Lawn Dartz for Totz campaign that gained notoriety for Hasbro in the late 1980's as legions of children were impaled by the razor sharp 8-inch spikes, which for an as of yet undisclosed reason were coated with a powerful neurotoxin isolated from a rare species of tree frog. Some of these children, now well into their third decade of life, remain permanently riveted to the ground. A class action lawsuit filed against the company by a number of them has been tied up in the court system for nearly twenty years.

But most companies incorporating the linguistic switch into their products are seeing huge benefits. The latest of which is of course the now ubiquitous Dependz Undergarmentz for Teenz, a must-have product that swept the nation this winter. "We've had some pretty amazing sales figures in the first few weeks after launching the revised product," Kimberly-Clark CEO Thomas J. Falk explained. "Dependz Undergarmentz for Teenz is the only product on the market that targets this age group and can hold up to two moderately sized voids or stools. We're predicting even better sales this election year with our politically inspired ObamaBottoms line of products about to hit store shelves."

Experts Weigh in on Hannah Montana Ticket Shortage.....

Wilmington, DE-When Delaware native Cary Outman was unable to find tickets to a sold out Hannah Montana concert, despite having paid $30 to join an online fan club which had promised an edge over other fans, he was devestated.

"I would have given anything to get those tickets for my 13-year-old daughter," Outman explained. "I can't even begin to imagine the pain and suffering that she must be going through right now. While that greedy little Miley Cyrus and her lackeys are making money hand over fist, my little angel is dying a little more inside every day."

The consensus amongst child psychologists and developmental pediatricians is clear when it comes to cases such as this. Child psychiatrist Betrand Fleck, a doctor who has experienced first hand the long lasting consequences of the sometimes irreparable emotional trauma resulting from SDS, or Severe Disappointment Syndrome, an entity which was well described in the 1952 Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders but was removed for political reasons.

"I'll never forget the stormy night that my parents refused to allow me to see Leif Garrett in concert," Dr. Fleck revealed. "It was during the many years of intense psychotherapy necessary to finally begin to piece together my shattered ego, and to take my first tentative steps toward self-actualization, that I decided to become a psychiatrist."

Dr. Fleck has devoted his life to treating children whose emotional well-being has been severely impaired by SDS. "To the abusive parents who would perpetrate such potentially devastating actions upon a developing psyche I caution you. Your children's ability to function in society is at risk every time you tell them no."

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