Jolie-Pitt Twins Sign Historic Intrauterine Movie Deal.....

Nice, France-As the exciting news of Angelina Jolie's admission to Lenval Hospital's Santa Maria maternity clinic in Southern France is uniting the world in celebration, Jolie's physician and representatives from Universal Pictures held a press conference today to announce a historic movie deal.

"This is the first time that any fetus, let alone premature twins, have signed with a major motion picture company," Universal president Ronald Meyer explained. "This kind of thing may happen all the time at the Sundance Institute, but those fetuses pale in genetic comparison to our newest stars."

Staff maternal-fetal medicine specialist Mort Fishman, also in attendance today, expressed some reservations about exposing such immature neonates to the stresses of a Hollywood lifestyle. "I admit that when filming for their first picture, "The Parent Trap V: This Time It's Placental", began at the 20-week ultrasound, I got caught up in all of the glitz and glammer. But as a physician I have to question whether this will continue to be in the best interest of the twins, or the studio, once birth has taken place considering their likely deficiency in pulmonary surfactant and the flat and lifeless lighting from the phototherapy."

Jessica Alba Launches New Line of Upscale Babies.....

Los Angeles, CA-Popular film and television actress Jessica Alba announed this week during a gala celebration at Cedars-Sinai Medical Center that she has launched a new line of upscale infants.

“This is something that I have been interested in doing for such a long time,” Alba said. “I was just waiting for the perfect opportunity for it to be done right so that I wouldn't let down my fans, or the world at large, which looks to celebrities, and the aesthetically elite, to produce beautifully crafted newborns for a variety of important uses such as genetic research and societal placation, or as Gifts of State for visiting foreign dignitaries."

But Alba hopes that people will come to see her work as more than just another line of babies designed by yet another celebrity. “I want my spawn to be loved by the public as well as to be taken seriously by the critics. I am constantly amazed at how my uterus was able to listen to my ideas and truly bring them to life, and I think that the hard work I've put into this effort really shows.”

Thuggee Cult Members Outraged over Rerelease of Indiana Jones Movie.....

Lakhnauti, India-The secret network of Indian bandits and murderers known as the Thuggee have condemned the rerelease of the 1984 film "Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom" as crude, anti-cult propaganda that makes a mockery of their history, and are demanding that the movie be banned from Indian screens.

"Our portrayal in this movie is an outrage," Thuggee leader Rola Mam explained during a press conference held today in Pankot Palace. "We are simple folk, eeking out a living by befriending naive travellers and strangling them with our scarves. Even the thought of enslaving children to aid us in our quest for world domination is preposterous. May they all suffer the sleep of Kali Ma!"

Mam is considering pursuing legal action to put a halt to the film's rerelease, citing severe emotional and psychological trauma as well as loss of income as motivating factors. A statement from cult psychiatrist Mort Fishman reveals that Mam has been diagnosed with both clinical depression and post-traumatic stress disorder. "He basically feels like the heart has been plucked from his very chest. Sure he'll take part in a dangerous mine car chase when the need arises, but the joy is gone."

United States Government to Continue Feeding Michael Moore to Death.....

Cannes, France-When plans for a follow-up to Fahrenheit 9/11, the award-winning documentary which criticized the Bush administration and its "War on Terrorism", were announced during the famous French film festival last week, concerns over Michael Moore's safety were quickly raised, and even the filmmaker himself is seemingly aware of the possibility of a government reprisal.

"The new film is going to cover some pretty toxic topics," the Academy Award-winning documentarian explained. "It's something I shouldn't make, something that is dangerous, but there are things about this president that people need to know and, well, frankly they are going to be shocked."

An inside source at the White House has confirmed that high ranking officials are aware of the new film and its content but states that as of right now, plans to continue providing a standard American diet to Moore are thought to be an adequate means of silencing him. But in the event that Moore should survive long enough for the film to enter production, the government is prepared to release new dietary guidelines, effectively tripling the daily requirement of beef drippings.

Classic Knudsen: August 16th, 2007.....

Coma Patient Discovers Cancellation of Gilmore Girls

Chicago, IL-To the delight of friends and family, area woman Claire Petrie shocked her doctors at Chicago's St. God Medical Hospital today when she awoke from the comatose state she had been in since a 2005 automobile accident.

"I can't believe they cancelled Gilmore Girls," Petrie revealed. "Did Luke and Lorelai stay together? Wait, don't tell me!"

Neurologist Sam Gillford, though pleased with Ms. Petrie's sudden return to conciousness, is concerned that she will be distracted from the long and difficult rehabilitation ahead. "Look, if I were in her shoes I'd probably be going throught the same emotional roller coaster. I mean, she has a lot to get through in the coming weeks. Luke and Lorelai split up. Lane becomes pregnant, and with twins! And don't even get me started on the whole Rory and Logan debacle. I just don't see why those two couldn't work things out, you know."

Country Star Finishes High School.....

Nashville, TN-In a press conference held today while waiting in line at the Pancake Pantry on 21st Avenue, Grammy-winning country music singer Gretchen Wilson announced that she has passed her General Educational Development (GED) exam and will take part in a graduation ceremony on May 15th.

"I truly believe in the importance of obtaining an education," the 34-year-old singer of such hits as "Politically Uncorrect" and "He Ain't Even Cold Yet" explained. "And as my daughter grows up, I want her to be able to look at me as an example of how a little hard work and academic discipline can really take you places."

Wilson also plans on using the knowledge she has gained through preparing for the GED exam to take her music to new heights. She went on to reveal that "My newfound understanding of the natural laws of the universe has opened my eyes to a world of possibilities that I never knew existed before, and I can't help but allow my recent intellectual achievements to influence my writing."

Knudsen's News has obtained exclusive information on Wilson's upcoming fourth album, including a list of the songs recorded so far:

1. "You Control-Alt-Deleted My Heart"
2. "You've Caught My Eye For Now, But You Can't Know Where It's Wanderin' (The Uncertainty Principle Song)"
3. "I Selected Your Love, Naturally"
4. "Our Family's Group Velocity Exceeds the Speed of Love"
5. "Ain't Nuthin' Cuter Than an Obese Rural Neonate Ingestin' Prunus persica Off a Hardwood Floor"

New Documentary Links Darwinism to Reality Television.....

Seatlle, WA-Fresh on the heals of the controversial documentary Expelled: No Intelligence Allowed, which attempts to blame the mass slaughter of millions of Jews during the Holocaust on Darwinism, a new film set to be released next month seeks to link the rise of reality television to the underlying concepts of evolution and natural selection as put forth by Charles Darwin.

"Our film starts by exposing the weaknesses inherent in Darwinism, weaknesses that have never been addressed by Darwinists such as the lack of videotape evidence of speciation occuring in real-time," director Nirk Davenport explains. "We go on to show that the blueprint for what has become reality television is rooted in Darwinism and one need look no further than shows like Flavor of Love and Farmer Needs a Wife to see how Darwinsim is wearing away the moral foundation of our society."

The makers of the film further contend that "Big Reality" suppresses criticism and claim that writers who believe that there might be a place for "Intelligent Scripting" in the reality genre are being persecuted for these beliefs. "If a writer approaches a network about a scripted reality program, where everything is created and planned beforehand with the outcomes already known, those executives are going to say that they don't belong in the reality television business," host Wallace Shawn reveals. "This is America right?"

The producers and writers of the film, as well as Davenport and Wallace, recently held an invitation only discussion amongst themselves over the content of the film that was open to select members of the press who had passed a background check and polygraph testing. Their conclusion was that the film is valid and beyond reproach. The film was funded with taxpayer dollars through the White House Office of Faith-Based and Community Initiatives and viewing has been declared mandatory under penalty of treason.

Critics of the film, all Darwin worshipping atheist supporters of reality television programs like Moment of Truth and Temptation Island, have already made efforts to suppress the ideas put forth in the new documentary. One covert operation involving a number of Darwinists, disguised as moral United States citizens, was foiled by a gaurd cleverly placed outside of the theater to check IDs against a guest list obtained from the online forms used to sign up for the free public screening. Tactics such as this have so far assured that all persons holding opinions contrary to those espoused in the film have been kept from unfairly distracting potential moviegoers.