Experts Tout New Approaches to Reducing Teen Medication Noncompliance

Nome, AK-One of the most challenging issues facing medical professionals caring for adolescent patients with chronic illness is the high incidence of noncompliance with treatment regimens. Though data is lacking, available studies suggest that as many as 50% of teenagers do not follow doctor's orders when it comes taking their medications. But as awareness of the problem has increased over the years, more experts have begun working on ways to combat this potentially dangerous practice.

"A number of strategies to improve compliance among teens were devised by our team and have been studied for effectiveness over the last decade," Dickey Mopper MD, a researcher for the University of Alaska Fairbanks Adolescent Mind Research Institute explained. "The study, which involves the initiation of a randomly assigned compliance improvement program at age 13-years, is the first of its kind."

At first the team's methods, which include texting reminders, point-reward systems, peer pressure from more popular older patients, threatening corporal punishment and ankle bracelets that administer an incapacitating electric shock, failed miserably. It wasn't until they took into account the turbulent nature of the adolescent mind that they began to first see the inklings of success. And though the waters our slightly less murky, discovery of any definitive solutions is still likely years away.

Mopper and his team began to see a pattern emerge as the program followed the teenage subjects. The researchers saw a slow but steady improvement in one subset of patients and they became increasingly confident that the first step to understanding poor compliance had finally been revealed. "Regardless of the assigned method, a positive correlation between time and compliance emerged, particularly once subjects were enrolled for greater than 5 years. The next step is to now go and try to figure out what makes this subset of subjects respond to compliance improvement programs while newer subjects do not."

New Study Shows American Penises Are Shrinking.....

Durham, NH-Adding to the growing literature on penile length, a recent scientific study out of the University of New Hampshire reveals that a surprising number of American men have had their penis shrunk by West African sorcerers.

After compiling data from nationwide telephone surveys of almost twenty thousand men, and follow-up examination and testing at participating centers across the country, researchers found that a suprising variety of male phenotypes have been affected. "We found surgeons and investment bankers as often as we found bartenders and personal trainers," lead researcher Frank Plemmons explained. "Some commonalities did emerge however, such as tribal or barbwire armband tattoos."

According to the study, the majority of individuals found to have had their penis shrunken or stolen expressed shock and, in a suprising twist, relief. "I can't imagine why they would single me out as a target of their evil black magic," Chicago financial advisor and penis theft victim Huntington Riegel Stockton Heatherly III revealed. "I've never even been to Africa. But I'm just happy to finally have some answers. Now the healing can begin."

Not every victim of the recent wave of witchcraft related phallus snatching is as positive about the experience however. New York bartender and aspiring actor Brody (no last name given), like many others, has been unable to come to terms with the loss. "They're just jealous man. Jealous of how I nearly hook up with so many hot chicks almost half the time. I need a Red Bull and Grey Goose before I hit the tanning beds!"

Jenny McCarthy Selected for Who's Who Among Autism Researchers.....

Upper Saddle River, NJ-Despite a lack of formal medical training, and a complete absence of publications in the field, Jenny McCarthy stunned the scientific community today when she announced that she has been selected for listing in the 2008 Who's Who Among Autism Researchers.

"I just don't know what to say other than I waited about two seconds to call once I got their letter in the mail," McCarthy, who is the current spokesperson for Talk About Curing Autism (TACA), explained. "It's a really big honor to be recognized by my peers like this, and I hope that this proof of my credibility will allow me to reach even more parents with my message of healing autism."

Claire Olson, an inbound telemarketing representative for Who's Who Among Autism Researchers publisher Steve's Publications, felt "honored to include the current inhabitants of [address removed] in our directory and to accept their payment of $799.99 for the Platinum Level membership, which is a lifetime membership that provides an additional free copy of the publication as well as permission to list the honor on resumes and CVs for a reduced membership price."

AAP Calls for Increased Awareness of Stupid Babies.....

Elk Grove Village, IL- On the heels of a recent survey revealing that fewer than 5% of infants under 6 months of age are being taught to use sign language, the AAP has released a statement calling for pediatricians and other child healthcare professionals make preperations for an epidemic of stupid babies.

"We don't know how bad this is going to be yet because we only just discovered the sad reality that such low numbers of babies are being taught sign language," Dr. David Tayloe, president-elect of the American Academy of Pediatrics explains. "But it is clear that there are going to be a lot of stupid babies out there. And I mean really stupid babies."

Fighting to stem the rising tide of infant stupidity for over 20 years, the team that developed the Little Hands Program, the world's leading sign language program for infants, claims to offer the only program created by child development experts specifically for babies. Dr. Sharon Williams, co-inventor of Little Hands, reveals that "Our program is designed for all kinds of babies. Fussy babies. Stinky babies. Mean babies. And yes, stupid babies. It is especially designed for stupid babies."

Joan Renolds, a stay-at-home mother of 3-month old twins Jayden and Jalen, is convinced of the benefit of infant sign language classes. "If not for the Little Hands Program, how else would I know that my boys only want organic lactose free vanilla flavored soy based formula and to not be vaccinated?"

Study Links Cancer Surge to Pixie Dust Exposure.....

Orlando, FL-The preliminary results of a 10-year investigation by Walt Disney World Resort epidemiologists into mounting public concerns of an apparent rise in a rare form of lung cancer amongst Disney resort patrons appear to finally shed some light on the troubling phenomenon.

"The early data is concerning," lead researcher Bryan Mintz explains. "Initial animal data shows a pretty solid link between pixie dust and a highly malignant and rapidly fatal form of lung cancer. This particular cancer, dubbed imaginothelioma, seemed to appear out of nowhere in 1955, when the first case showed up in Anaheim. If this bears out, we will have a real crisis on our hands because that stuff is everywhere around here."

Walt Disney Company executives are taking the situation seriously, but are cautioning against panic. Disney icon Mickey Mouse, in a press conference held today on the third floor of the Haunted Mansion, announced that "everything that can be done to better understand this alleged link is being done. In the meantime, all the patients are enjoying the magic and wonder of Disney at our Disney Princess Cancer Hospital for Customers."

Patient care, which runs daily from 9am until 7pm except for Saturdays when evening Extra Therapy Hours are in effect until 11pm, is covered by the Deluxe Treatment Plan with each round of chemotherapy or radiation counting as 1 bedside service. Because of popularity of the hospital, wait times for patients taking part have run as high as 90 minutes at hospital attractions such as Goofy's Phlebotomy Playhouse and the Lilo and Stitch Chemotherapy Hut. Always striving to pack as much entertainment as possible into every encounter, Disney is planning a reservation only fireworks extravaganza to be held on tuesdays and thursdays in the hospital courtyard for a minimal fee.

Teen Scientist Studies Social Consequences of Early Sexual Debut.....

Montgomery, AL-In an emergency school assembly, held today in the auditorium of Shady Acres High School, 16-year-old junior Clancy Eversoll announced the conclusion of his semester long study of the social implications of early sexual debut among female students for the upcoming annual Science Fair.

"My work conclusively supports the hypothesis that early sexual debut, which is the initiation of sexual activity at an age less than 15 years, is associated with increased popularity and a higher likelihood of being invited to Senior Prom," Eversoll explained.

The results, though scoffed at by both the faculty, and members of the Chess, Audio/Visual, and MMORPG clubs, has already led to unprecedented interest in science amongst student populations not typically involved in the subject. Sophomore Matt McCowen, second-string tight end for the Shady Acres Mighty Sasquatch, is excited about his plans to replicate Eversoll's study. "Science is about the process, not the conclusion. I plan on following Clancy's methodology exactly and I'll accept the outcome whatever it is. And if that outcome helps me doink some freshman girls then I'm pretty much okay with that."

Point/Counterpoint: Industry-Sponsored Meals for Physicians.....

Point
The Declining Quality of Drug Company Sponsored Dinners is Really Pissing Me Off

By Chevy Newbank MD
Obstetrics/Gynecology
West Jefferson Medical Center
Metarie, LA

Is it just me, or are drug companies phoning it in these days? I remember just a few years ago when, in exchange for my presence at a discussion of a new or existing pharmaceutical agent, I could expect a gourmet meal with expertly chosen wine at a fine restaurant. Now I'm happy to get a dry steak and a glass of lifeless and thoroughly corked 2002 Renwood Grandmère Zinfandel at the local Ruth's Chris. It's not just me, right?

As a physician, I have spent years honing my skills as a healer. I have cultivated my natural innate ability to comprehend complex historical information, assimilating sometimes subtle physical exam findings, and translating that into effective patient care. My time is important to me, and it's important to my patients. Is it really too much to ask for a chill-filtered 21-year-old Northern Highlands single malt scotch to complement my 20-ounce ultra-tender Kobe beef burger with exotic mushrooms and microgreens. No, it isn't. Or at least it shouldn't be.

I realize that the issue of accepting meals from pharmaceutical representatives is a controversial issue. But not if you really think about it. I make a living handling complex social situations. Dealing with people has always been easy for me. Other physicians may be swayed by free lunches, note pads, and trips to exotic locales, but my noble spirit remains untarnished and free, free to enjoy my crème brûlée of foie gras with tonga beans and imperial gingerbread pyramid with caramel and salted butter ice-cream without altering my presciption patterns.

Counterpoint
Do You Have Any Food To Spare?

By Abebe Abdu
Village youth

Please sir, do you have any food to spare? Just a small mouthfull would be fine. The scraps from your plate perhaps? I am so hungry and weak.

I have travelled far from my village, on foot, to search for food. I happened upon the rotting carcass of a lion today, but the scavengers had picked it clean of meat. To think of the many days it might have provided sustenance for my family is almost too much to bear.

Anything you might be able to provide would be fine. I have so little strength left. Perhaps a morsel of your fine feast would allow me to continue my search for food and clean water for another day. I have never heard of foie gras. Is it some kind of plant? A grain that does not grow in my country? Might I try just a taste?

Experts Warn Some Sex Education Teachers Lack Expertise.....

Otterville, IL-According to researchers from the Illinois branch of the Captain Abstinence Institute of Studies in Mexico(CAISM), a nonpartisan organization dedicated to applying sound science to the study of abstinence as a means of preventing unsafe sexual practices, a growing number of sexual education teachers are failing to cover the basics of appropriate instruction.

A recent study performed by CAISM, which involved a scientifically designed telephone survey of former students of sex ed teachers at over 200 Illinois schools, revealed that more than a quarter of instructors did not meet sound scientific standards of sexual education as defined by CAISM. And many teachers may have no special training in sexual education of students.

"We really set the bar for high for this study," lead researcher Doctor Clemp Shook explained. "We didn't want this to end up as just another study that so-called experts and skeptics claim has bad methodology and flawed conclusions. It's unfortunate to report, but the evidence is conclusive that up to one out of three programs possibly fails to meet our standards."

The researchers warn that teenagers may need to help filling the large gaps in their sexual education, and unlearning the misinformation picked up in some classes. According to Shook and his team at CAISM, many of today's students are learning a number of medical myths as fact. To aid in the education of young adults, CAISM has published a pamphlet discussing these myths and providing the information to dispel them.

Here is just a sample of the scientifically based information included in the pamphlet:

"Myth #1
Condoms prevent STD's.

Reality
Condoms actually increase the risk of acquiring an STD. Studies done at the Captain Abstinence Institute of Studies in Mexico(CAISM) have conclusively proven that condom use leads to a 1 in 5 chance of being infected with HIV, syphilis, gonorrhea, chlamydia, and HPV regardless of whether your partner is infected with any of these diseases.

Myth #2
Condoms prevent pregnancy.

Reality
Despite what your doctor or teacher may have told you, condoms do not prevent pregnancy. In fact, experiments performed at the CAISM have revealed that condom use actually makes a woman more likely to become pregnant with the resulting child likely to be retarded.

Myth #3
God says it's okay to use condoms, IUD's, OCP's or other birth control methods.

Reality
This is quite false. Scientific studies of the bible have shown beyond doubt that non-abstinence birth control methods anger God and are a one way ticket to eternal torment in a lake of fire. This is not a religious statement but is a scientifically verified fact.

Myth #4
It's okay to have sex once you are married.

Reality
While pre-marital and extra-marital sex are clearly sins worthy of a endless cycle of pain and regret, many people are unsure when it comes to intercourse with their spouse. The answer, revealed in our labs at the CAISM, is that sex is never okay if physical or psychological enjoyment results. Only when sex has been reduced to a disgusting physical act necessary only for the furthering of our species, but otherwise despised, is it okay in the eyes of the Lord.

The Medical Test That Might Keep You Healthy.....

(As seen in Procession Magazine)

It Isn' Routine, So Ask Your Doctor About This Test Today.....

The Medical Test That Might Keep You Healthy
by Zoo Knudsen

In the complex world of modern medicine, where the established ancient truths from traditional folk medicine, insight from manipulative practices, study of human energy fields, mind-body medicine advances, and the steady progress of the science-based examination of the natural world are sometimes difficult to keep up with, it's easy to get confused. But as the list of newly discovered scourges of humanity, from Morgellons syndrome to chronic Lyme disease, grows ever more long and deadly, it is becoming increasingly important for us to be aware of the latest medical tests, particularly the ones that are able to diagnose conditions with vague symptoms that are difficult to differentiate from stress or common age-related complaints.

This test may not be accepted by every single doctor practicing medicine in the world today, but few tests are. And with more and more people facing near certain death from medical errors, drug reactions, and not being treated holistically and naturally, being armed with the most up-to-date means of appropriately preventing or diagnosing a condition so that you can quickly seek the aid of a qualified Integrative Medicine specialist at your local academic hospital can make the difference between life and death. Your doctor may not be aware of this test, and your insurance company may consider it to be not "medically necessary", but here is why you owe it to yourself to seek it out by any means necessary.

Serum Antibiotic Level

This is a simple blood test that can tell you if your level of antibiotics is high enough. Studies have shown that low peak and trough levels of antibiotics can have disasterous health effects, with patients dying from illnesses such as meningococcal meningitis, MRSA pneumonia, and Legionnaires Disease. You may think that yours is high enough, but some experts have questioned the effectiveness of antibacterial soaps and lotions, and the frequent prescribing of systemic antibiotics for viral infections, in maintaining appropriate serum levels over the long haul. It is important to understand that not every antibiotic works for all conditions, so focusing on stable levels of a variety of them is the key. Talk to your doctor for help raising your levels. And if they are in the pocket of the medical-industrial complex, the internet and/or Mexican pharmacies are excellent and safe options.

How to Stay Healthy at the Gym.....

Hazardous to Your Health or Life Extending Fitness Facilities

Despite claims of amazing health benefits, fitness clubs are also home to a number of dangerous microbial predators. Finally the experts reveal just how to keep from catching more than just a great workout.

By Zoo Knudsen

Gym membership is known by the majority of unbiased health experts and sound scientists to be good for your health and immune system, but if you forget to remember a few simple tips, it may not be healthy as much as you might have thought it was before. Killer germs love to hide on a variety of surfaces found in fitness clubs. In fact, anywhere from exercise mats and weight benches to the place where water comes out of the water fountain can be teeming with microbial predators with nothing better to do than make you and your entire family sick.

And don't even get me started on locker rooms, which are the ideal place in gyms to change clothes and make new friends, but they're also ideal for bacteria and funguses to grow strong and healthy. But lowering your risk of death at the hands of microscopic germs, including the cold and Epstein-Barr viruses, athlete's foot, and especially the near unavoidable and overwhelmingly deadly staph infection known as methicillin-resistant Staphylococcus aureus (MRSA), isn't as hard as you might think. Bunkie, LA sports medicine enthusiast Carl O. Spunkmeyer offers these tips:

1. Be sure to avoid any and all contact with the gym environment. Simply covering breaks in the skin isn't enough when facing a scourge of bugs with a blinding hatred for mankind. Even intact skin can be invaded eventually, which is why experts like Spunkmeyer recomment exercising in a state of the art protective suit that completely covers the body and is coated in a nonporous layer of metalized mylar. But keep an eye on your temperature, which may increase rapidly if the suits liquid helium cooling system were to fail. Watch out for the danger signs: excessive sweating, fatigue, 3rd degree burns, and instantaneous hydrolysis of all body proteins.

2. Avoid the urge to snack during your workout as MRSA may take it as a sign of weakness. Avoid looking directly into MRSA's eyes as well as any sudden movements. MRSA, like the mighty and equally antibiotic resistant tyrannosaurus rex before it, hunts based on movement.

3. Use industrial strength disinfectant, reapplying frequently throughout your workout. And instead of water, shower with an undiluted bleach solution when you're done. The searing pain you are feeling means that it's working and that you are safe.

4.Change your clothes several times during each workout. This may confuse infectious organisms, buying you enough time to get in and get out alive. And if you are cornered, don't be ashamed to use nearby women and children as human shields.

5. Use Zicam at the first sign of illness.

New Television Show Stirs Scientific Controversy.....

Chicago, IL- The upcoming premier episode of ABC Television's legal drama "Eli Stone", which is being purported by industry insiders to endorse a link between autism and childhood vaccinations, is stirring up a heated debate amongst scientists, doctors, and anti-vaccination proponents.

The episode features a lawyer, who may or may not be having prophetic visions, involved in a civil suit claiming that a child's autism resulted from the flu vaccine. He argues for the placement of blame to be on the vaccine manufacturer and wins, leading to a large cash award for the child's family and, on the other side of the fourth wall, an angry response from the medical community.

"Perpetuating the myth that vaccines cause autism is irresponsible at best," Emperor Maximus VII, supreme overlord of the alliance of the American Medical Association, Amercian Academy of Pediatrics, and the Pharmaceutical Industry, explained. "If parents watch this program and choose to deny their children the health benefits of routine immunizations, both the offices of the American Broadcasting Company and the streets of Disney World will run red with the blood of my enemies."

These blatant attempts at censorship by the American medical and pharmaceutical establishment aren't being taken lightly by journalist and First Amendment scholar David Kirby, who has fought for years to bring the truth of the connection between mercury from vaccines and autism to the public. "I'm not anti-vaccine. I think vaccines are great for some people in some cases, just not for people who don't want their children to get autism. And I've got a pile of press releases this high to back up my claims."

But what does John Q. Public think? How do regular folks, without the benefit of scientific, medical, or journalistic expertise in the etiology of autism feel about the controversial program. Area Jo-Ann Fabrics manager Stacy Harbst, along with many others, is relieved. "It's nice just to have more options. Working all day, and raising a family, doesn't allow a lot of time to educate myself on important topics like this. I don't know much about autism, or vaccines, but I am happy to know that in addition to Oprah and Parade Magazine, I can now obtain reputable science and health information from a prime time fictional television show."

Number of Incontinent Teens Growing.....

Los Angeles, CA-With the increasing popularity of massive multiplayer online role playing games (MMORPG) like World of Warcraft and EverQuest leading to adolescent gamers spending hours on end in front of the computer screen, doctors are seeing record numbers of both fecal and urinary incontinence in the 13-to-17 age group.

"Teens are showing up in physician's offices and emergency departments in droves," Dr. Ramona Bates M.D. explained. "These kids are spending upwards of ten consecutive hours playing these games while drinking large amounts of Red Bull and Jolt Cola, and they won't shut off the computer for anything, even near debilitating pain from bladder and bowel distention."

Doctors are placing the blame for the incontinence on the frequent episodes of significant bladder and rectum enlargement that results from purposefully withholding waste for such long periods of time. Bates, a pediatric gastrourologist at Vanderbilt Children's Hospital, revealed that "after a point, the muscles and nerves involved are damaged beyond repair and the ability to control bowel and bladder function is forever lost."

But the spike in these cases has a silver lining for one company. "We've had some pretty amazing sales figures in the first few weeks after launching the product," Kimberly-Clark CEO Thomas J. Falk explained. "Dependz Undergarmentz for Teens is the only protective underwear product on the market that targets this age group. They can hold up to two moderately sized voids or stools, can be pulled on and off like regular underwear, and come in a number of styles such as Harry Potter and Hannah Montana."

More Academic Hospitals Embracing Alternative Janitorial Service.....

Embracing Alternative Cleaning
Top hospitals put unorthodox methods into practice

By Zoo Knudsen

"To be honest, if we didn't see and smell the difference, we would call the nurse's station and complain," says Sarah Saltzberg. She's referring to the freshly cleaned room of her son Timmy, who was recently diagnosed with childhood diabetes. Insulin shots, counting carbohydrates, and frequent checks of blood sugar levels have been vital aspects of Timmy's therapy, but equally important to his family is something very different from the harsh, time-consuming, and soundly studied methods of western cleaning.

The janitor has just peformed a kind of energy based cleaning from the realm of alternative janitorial services. Fast and lacking the typical pungent odors of more mainstream cleaning supplies, Quantum Cleaning takes advantage of the electron transitions associated with visible and ultraviolet interactions with trash, body fluids, and dirty linens where the quantum energy of photons precisely match the energy gap between the soiled and clean states. In the interaction of energy with matter, a Quantum Cleaning practitioner can elevate the quantum state from the lower to the upper state, rendering the matter void of any and all unclean quantum entanglements, thus rebalancing the energy field believed to envelop the room, leaving a fresh lemony scent. Each day, Janitor Clancy Simmons spends 5 to 10 minutes in Timmy's room, and according to the Saltzbergs "You could eat off the floor in here! We wouldn't though. Not really."

Just a few years ago, patients at Children's Memorial Hospital in Chicago would have seen janitors using only conventional evidence-based cleaning techniques. Like most facilities around the country, this research-oriented medical center, well known for its high ranking status amongst pediatric teaching hospitals, would have been full of brooms, mops, and a disinfectant wipes and sprays. But over the past few years, as can now be witnessed on a daily basis at Children's Memorial, more academic hospitals are embracing janitorial alternative methods, or JAM.

Children's Memorial is just one of a growing number of academic hospitals where irregular cleaning techniques have been put into use. Facilities like the Mayo Clinic, Duke University Medical Center, and the University of California-San Francisco are now replacing traditional methods with Quantum Cleaning and other JAM services. And Timmy is only one of many children benefitting from room cleaning that not long ago was considered by mainstream academic research janitors to be unfounded and ineffective. But a growing body of evidence, such as a recent study revealing that more than half of Americans seek alternative cleaning services each year, and a case report from Janitor Monthly describing the use of a homeopathic ammonia solution to remove dust from hospital window blinds, have gotten the attention of these premier institutions.

But JAM services have their skeptics, such as Columbia Nephrologist Steve Novelette, who is concerned that academic hospitals may be doing the country a disservice. "There are janitorial services that work and janitorial services that don't work," Novelette explains. "There is.....evidence.....majority.....studies show.....JAM services work."

Back at Children's Memorial, Timmy is sleeping soundly and Clancy Simmons is going about his work of providing a clean and comfortable environment for children and their families to heal. "I wait until nobody's in the room and the kid is asleep, then I just clean up real fast. Some people will believe anything."

Mattel to Release Science Talk Barbie.....

El Segundo, CA-In response to growing competition from the Bratz line of dolls, Mattel Vice President of Operations Barbara Millicent Roberts announced during an emergency press conference, held today outside of Roscoe's Chicken and Waffles, that the company's much anticipated Science Talk Barbie dolls will hit store shelves next week.

"This is an exciting opportunity for Mattel," Roberts explained. "We have been working with some of today's best scientific minds, people like Dr. Michael Behe, Dr. Jennifer McCarthy, and Oprah to bring the joy of learning about the natural world to young girls around the world."

Each doll has been programmed to say four out of nearly 300 possible phrases, ensuring that no two dolls are likely to be the same. If sales meet expectations, Mattel plans on releasing additional versions of the doll that will each speak a different language, including units that will speak latin and binary.

Mattel, with assistance from a number of experts from across all fields of scientific knowledge such as Deepak Chopra, Michael Egnor, and Montel Williams, has spent the past 6 months weeding through the thousands of possible science based phrases, finally settling on 270. Roberts revealed during the press conference that "Our goal with this product line is not only to educate young impressionable females consumers, but to indoctrinate them into a lifelong love affair with science. And we spared no expense in seeking out the best of the best to guide us along the way. Oprah was especially helpful. She's very nice."

The about to be released doll almost didn't make it to this point. Early on in the planning process, focus groups reacted very harshly to the doll which convinced Mattel to go back to the drawing board. The majority of participants disagreed with, or were offended by, a number of Science Talk Barbie's comments, which at this point had been culled from the works of scientists and educators such as Carl Sagan, Stephen Jay Gould, and Steven Novella. "We realized we needed a different approach if we were going to be able to find a way to reach the majority of the American public," Roberts expounded.

Ruthie Handler, the 9-year-old Wisconsin student whose essay on making science more appealing to girls won Mattel's writing contest, is the first to get her hands on one of the new dolls. Her eyes, full of the kind of joy only a young child with a new and exciting toy can experience, lit up each time she pressed the small button on the doll's left inner ankle, triggering the next recorded phrase.

"The dogma of methodological naturalism fails in its attempt to explain reality and provide truth because it ignores the existence of entities beyond the limits of its ability to explore the natural world. Science is fun!"

Handler giggles as her mother gives a puzzled look. She pushes the button again.

"Measuring 300 cubits in length, a vessel was built at the creator's command to save Noah, his family, and a core stock of the world's animals and dinosaurs from the Great Flood. Girl Power!"

Again Handler compresses to button, eagerly awaiting the next phrase.

"Defeat Autism Now! is dedicated to educating parents and clinicians regarding biomedically-based research, appropriate testing and safe and effective interventions for autism. You go girl!"

Now laughing hysterically, Handler presses the button a final time.

"Quantum healing is healing the bodymind from a quantum level. That means from a level which is not manifest at a sensory level. Our bodies ultimately are fields of information, intelligence and energy. Quantum healing involves a shift in the fields of energy information, so as to bring about a correction in an idea that has gone wrong. So quantum healing involves healing one mode of consciousness, mind, to bring about changes in another mode of consciousness, body. Science is awesome, girlfriend!"

Handler, tears streaming down her cheeks, manages to control her fit of laughter enough to drop the doll in a nearby trash can.

Scientists Reveal New Concerns Over Emergency Contraception.....

Fort Worth, TX-Spurred by the results of a recently completed study on the side effects of a popular form of emergency contraception, researchers from the Fort Worth based Scientists for Sound Contraception Science(SSCS) held an emergency press conference today to reveal the suprising findings, and to warn consumers.

The study, which showed an increased risk of a variety of side effects ranging from blood clots to cancer, as well as deformed babies and eternal damnation for the senseless taking of innocent life, has led to a number of scientific organization other than the SSCS to speak out against the murder pills, which act by forming an impenetrable barrier between an unimplanted embryo and the loving grace of God, leading the then soulless blastocyst to simply fade away into oblivion.

"For women that choose to use contraceptives, it is important that they thoroughly discuss the potential risks with their health care providers," SSCS founder Martha Wernicke explained. "But understanding that, in addition to nausea, abdominal pain, fatigue, headache, menstrual changes, dizziness, breast tenderness, vomiting, and diarrhea, each use increases a women's risk of burning in the neverending pit of despair by 35-60% is pivotal in changing the casual attitude many Americans take towards baby killing."

The FDA, which has stated that it believes the product to be a safe and effective method of contraception in most instances, has yet to comment on the new findings. "That's not suprising considering their track record for ignoring such concerns in the past," Wernicke revealed. "They support the use of condoms, which legitimate science long ago discarded as leaky sieves which actually increase the risk of acquiring sexually transmitted diseases, so take what they say with a grain of salt."

Tom Cruise Calls for More Awareness of Value of Scientology in Acute Trauma Care.....

Beverly Hills, CA- When Beverly Hills Paramedics arrived at the scene of a horrible accident on the corner of Sunset and North Palm last February, finding a mangled 1999 Toyota Camry in flames and the bodies of Bob and Wendy Putterman strewn about the wreckage, the last thing they expected to see was popular movie star Tom Cruise providing assistance to the injured.

"We couldn't believe it," Paramedic John Gunderson explained. "I mean, here is this ghastly accident with multiple fatalities and blood just, just all over the place, with chunks of brain splattered on the windshield and stuff. And that car could have blown any minute too. So Tom Cruise is there, auditing a couple of the preclears and identifying engrams left and right, really helping me and my partner out you know. Imagine, a couple of nobodies like Jim and me saving lives with Maverick."

In many motor vehicle accidents, seconds count. Emergency response professionals are highly trained in acting swiftly to stabilize acute life threatening injuries commonly suffered in high speed collisions. They learn early on in their training to always remember their ABC's, which stands for airway, breathing, and circulation. But simply establishing a patent route for oxygen delivery to the lungs, and enough cardiac output to move that oxygen to vital organs and tissues, isn't always enough to save many trauma victims. This is where Scientology comes into play.

Since March of 2007, one month after that fateful accident, Beverly Hills ambulances have carried Hubbard Electropsychometers, more commonly known as E-Meters, so that when life is on the line they don't have to wait for Cruise, who may be busy saving orphans from a burning building or battling evil hoards of psychiatrists at Cedars-Sinai Medical Center, to arrive with his custom made Mark VII Super Quantum E-meter. And the move has certainly payed off.

A recent study of trauma victims brought to the Beverly Hills Hospital Emergency Department found that accident victims undergoing auditing processes at the scene presented with 50% fewer engrams, 70% fewer incidents, and a jaw-dropping 85% decrease in implants when compared to those brought in by family members or by non-Scientologist paramedics. Mortality rates, as well as measures of other non-Scientology related morbidity outcomes, were equivalent.

The overwhelming success of Scientology in treating trauma victims in his own backyard of Beverly Hills has inspired Tom Cruise to bring his message to the rest of the country, and eventually the world. During a recent visit to Washington, to urge a group of high ranking government officials to support his push for the implementation of Scientology based trauma protocols in hospitals nationwide, Cruise revealed that ‘‘It’s rough and tumble, and it’s wild and woolly and it’s a blast. It’s a blast. It really is fun, because there is nothing better than going out there and fighting the fight and, suddenly you see, things are better."

Cure for Obesity and Depression Found.....

Seattle, WA-In an emergency press conference held today in the banquet facilities of a Seattle Red Lobster, researchers from Wellness Consortium Group, a nonprofit health care system that provides both medical coverage and care, that have been investigating the possible link between obesity and depression in middle-aged women, announced a cure for both conditions.

The team of scientists have spent the past 5 years collecting information, from nearly 5,000 middle-aged women, on weight, caloric intake, amount of daily exercise, body image, favorite television programs, astrological signs, and symptoms of depression. After an exhaustive statistical analysis of the information, where multiple methods were employed and then discarded before the researchers were happy with the results, it was concluded that depressed women were significantly more likely to be obese. Suprisingly, the reverse was found to be true as well.

The study, published in the January/February issue of the journal Obesity and Other Mental Disorder Research also revealed that obese women exercised the least, ate more, hated their bodies more, and were more lazy in general than women with lower BMIs.

"Medical science has long known that fat people are unable to control their gluttonous lifestyle," lead researcher Dr. Denis Simon explained. "Now we know that they are also more likely to become depressed, which makes sense considering how likely they are to die alone and unloved."

But Dr. Simon doesn't think that the situation for overweight women is hopeless. "It is difficult for obese women to lose weight because of the depression, which I feel stems from a lack of self-esteem. If obese women would just focus on rebuilding their self esteem, it may help them lose weight, and then they would be happy because more men would notice them."

Experts Say Cloned Food Probably Safe or Horribly Deadly.....

Brussels, Belgium-In a press conference held today in a Brussels La Quinta Inn, an expert panel from the European Union's food safety Division announced that meat and milk from cloned animals is probably safe but may be catastrophically deadly.

"The preliminary data is pretty solid and there just doesn't appear to be a middle ground here," Belgian food scientist Dietger Goosens explained. "It is very unlikely that clones or their progeny would add any additional food safety risks beyond that of conventionally bred animals, but they may result in the untimely death of literally millions of humans worldwide. And I'm talking about horrible, painful deaths, the kind where you're all bloated and slimy."

The panel, which consisted of 15 scientists and a representative from both the Center for Food Safety and the American Meat Institute, expressed delight over the possibility of allowing such products into the market because of the economic benefits and greater availability of higher quality meat. But they cautioned the gathered government representatives and La Quinta staff that they might possibly come to regret the decision once large mass graves are being dug to accommodate the ever growing number of dead consumers around the world.

Anti-Smoking Groups Celebrate Anniversary of Historic Publication.....

Washington, DC-Anti-smoking organizations from across the country have sent representatives to our nation's capital to celebrate the anniversary of the 1964 publication by United States Surgeon General Dr. Luther Leonidas Terry of a report announcing that smoking may be hazardous to health.

The report's findings, which represented the first time that the U.S. government voiced its opinion on the subject of smoking cigarretes, led to serious debate amongst experts and has been a source of controversy ever since. But to many, it was a large step in the right direction as it became the motivation for widespread anti-smoking initiatives such as the placement of warnings on all cigarrete packages beginning in 1965, and the complete ban of cigarrete advertising on television and radio since 1970.

But not everyone agrees that the report is deserving of celebratory remembrance, and some have even gathered to protest the event. "The 1964 Surgeon General's report was a travesty," retired internist William "Dub" McIlhenny explained. "Its biased and sensationalistic claims made it very difficult for physicians to prescribe their favorite brand of cigarettes to prevent throat irritation and chase away tiredness."

Homeopathic Researchers Concerned Over Rise in Resistant Bacteria.....

Kenmore, WA-Researchers from prestigious Bastyr University held an emergency press conference today to discuss the recent findings of a blue-ribbon panel of experts in the field of homeopathy, findings which have set off shockwaves in the complimentary and alternative medicine community.

One of the most worrisome trends of 2007 was the sudden emergence of bacteria resistant to conventional antibiotic regimens. Panel participant Carl Barkenhammer Jr., a research homeopath who has spent decades studying the curative powers of homeopathic remedies in individuals, decided to change the focus of his efforts from carefully selected single case studies to the laboratory in an effort to prove the benefit of these treatments in patients infected with the most deadly new superbug, methicillin-resistant Staphylococcus aureus or MRSA.

"It's amazing how fast these bugs become resistant," Barkenhammer explained. "I've been a homeopathic scientist for a long time and I had never even heard of staph, let alone MRSA. To think that a brand new infectious microbe like Staph aureus, which can be very deadly from what I've read on eMedicine, is already nearly untreatable with antibiotics. That is pretty scary stuff."

Barkenhammer, who enjoys writing poetry and spends his Summers making extra money cleaning gutters, set out to test a variety of homeopathic preperations on live cultures of MRSA. "I figured that if I was going to do this right, I had to take the human element out of the equation. Clinical studies can be wrought with confounding variables. If one of my treatments works on a person, I have to rule out anything else that may have cured the patient, like acupuncture or prayer, because that might have only led to the impression of a positive result. I'm removing the middle man here. This is cutting edge science."

As Barkenhammer's initial attempts to kill the antibiotic resistant bacteria with homeopathic remedies failed, he was forced to dig deeper and deeper into his armamentarium. But nothing seemed to be working. "I tried everything I could think of, and then I tried everything I could find cited in the homeopathic literature, but nothing worked. I began to grow very concerned, wondering if the bacteria had already become homeopathy resistant."

Barkenhammer, who coaches little league and dreams of one day owning his own car, wondered if bacteria other than the homeopathy-resistant Staph aureus, or HRSA (prounounced "hersa") had also begun to develop resistance. "I began to test my treatments on every bacterial species I could get my hands on and the results were the same every time, leaving me no choice but to conclude that it is possible that all known bacterial pathogens are now resistant to homeopathy. "

But Barkenhammer believes that there is hope for the future. "I haven't given up on homeopathy as a legitimate alternative to antibiotics for the treatment of bacterial infections yet. The most likely cause for the apparent lack of effectiveness is that I failed to take into account the inability of conventional scientific methods to test the complex quantum vibrations that take place when a homeopathic remedy is perfectly matched with an individual patient's symptoms. I guess I will just have to continue to figure out new ways to study homeopathy until their healing power is proven. That's how science works."