CBS Announces the Reboot of the Magnum, P.I. Reboot as a Mid-Season Replacement.....

New York City, NY- CBS has announced the mid-season replacement of it's reboot of the classic crime drama series Magnum, P.I., which originally ran from 1980 to 1988, with a reboot of the reboot which first aired last September to mixed reviews.

"The first Magnum reboot just isn't drawing in the number of viewers we anticipated," Kelly Kahl, President of CBS Entertainment, explained. "But we are determined to get this right, even if it takes a reboot of the reboot of the reboot."

Alison Brie, shown here at the recent SAG Awards with contest winner Dave Franco, is set to star as Thomasina Magnum in the new Magnum P.I. reboot reboot

Over the past several years, television viewers have seen networks try to breathe new life into a number of old programs, sometimes even bringing back original cast members for maximum nostalgia. Most of these attempts at recapturing magic have failed, while some, such as Fuller House on Netflix and the animated Golden Girls prequel on NBC, have done well. According to Kahl, it is very rare for a show to return for a second reboot, however.

"We know we've got the potential for a hit on our hands, we just need to put the pieces together in the right way," Kahl revealed. "In the 2nd reboot, Magnum is a single mother with an adorable kid who is just a whiz with computers, and she helps her solve the crimes...so the stories practically write themselves."

Although Kahl is banking on a better response to the updated update of the original show, which starred the hunky Tom Selleck as private investigator Thomas Magnum, he says that his team is sketching out possible additional reboot ideas. "Maybe Magnum could be transgender, which is something that hasn't been done yet on a prime time show. Or Higgins could be a ghost, or a talking helicopter. I've got a lot of great ideas."

Republican Lawmakers to Install High-Frequency "Mosquito Alarm" to Prevent Loitering Youth in Congress.....

Washington, D.C.- House Minority Leader Kevin McCarthy announced today that Republican lawmakers plan to place an electronic device somewhere in the south wing in order to discourage loitering by unruly young Democrats.

Crotchety III, shown here celebrating his 1918 election victory, remembers when they didn't let brown people even run for Congress let alone win.

"These young people with their scary new ideas," Republican Ebenezer Crotchety III explained from the smoking lounge while sipping from a snifter of brandy. "Harrumph! Hold on, my monocle seems to have fallen into this plate of tapioca pudding."

The device, known as a "Mosquito alarm", will be set to 17.4 kHz and 108 decibels. According to McCarthy, the buzzing noise will be inaudible to Republicans but will be extremely uncomfortable for younger members of the House of Representatives, possibly even causing dizziness, headache, and nausea. "We haven't put it to a vote yet, but I'm pretty sure it's going to be under Ocasio-Cortez's chair."

Area Child Killed by Unwieldy Backpack.....

Lexington, KY- Chiropractic Pediatricians are warning parents of the dangers of heavy backpacks after a 5-year-old Kentucky kindergarten student died from total spinal collapse (Accordion syndrome) on Friday.

Kentucky backpack victim Clarinet Applebee's, shown here mere seconds before her entire spinal column collapsed.

"We are seeing massive numbers of children with early-onset back, neck and shoulder pain," American Pediatric Chiropractic College (APCC) President Scott Shaw explains. "Backpack stress also impairs the function of spinal nerves, which can lead to organ malfunction. Death is still a rare outcome, but I expect to see more as backpack engineers continue to focus on load bearing capacity rather than safety."

Historically, backpacks were only about the size of a loaf of breast or a small poodle, and were only able to carry a small textbook, a few notebooks, and perhaps a calculator before tearing. Using synthetic fabrics and space age metamaterials, modern backpacks can easily handle several full size books, a laptop computer, a full pencil case, and a mellophone. Combined with the popular trend of single shoulder carriage, kids with heavy backpacks are often just one Trapper Keeper away from catastrophe. In fact, a study conducted near Harvard found that the typical American child carries the equivalent of an adult bull elephant to school every day, and that nearly all of them will eventually admit to experiencing back pain at some point in their lives.

As the crisis continues to worsen, some states are proactively passing laws to compel schools to act. According to Shaw, legislators in nearby Tennessee recently voted to install scales at all school entrances, and if a backpack weighs more than 10% of the child's body weight, an alarm will sound and a designated staff member will assist the child in carefully removing heavier items. "Nobody wants to wait until after we've had to dig mass graves for toddlers to do something about a problem."

The APCC has released a list of questions so that parents and teachers can identify children effected by heavy backpacks and seek appropriate chiropractic care:

1. Is your child/student complaining of headaches, neck or back pain, or intermittent fullness of the bladder or bowels.
2. Does your child/student have difficulty paying attention at home or in school, sometimes becoming distracted by more interesting objects or activities?
3. Has your child/student ever had any medical problems involving absolutely any part of their body?
4. Does your child/student's entire body lean to one side, seemingly defying the laws of physics like in those old V8 commercials?
5. Has your child/student's spine begun to collapse and expand over and over again like an accordion?

Monsanto Genetically Modifies Tomato with Fish Genes Just to Fuck with Greenpeace.....

Creve Coeur, MO- Monsanto CEO Hugh Grant held a press conference today at the company's Creve Coeur headquarters, where he announced the development of a tomato-fish hybrid just to fuck with Greenpeace.

Greenpeace member Tod Ramshackle, shown here at his home opening a box of Monsanto's new tomato-fish hybrid mere moments before shaking his fists at the sky and angrily screaming "Monsanto what have you done? What have you done?!?!?!" as steam comically shoots out of his ears.

"There was absolutely no legitimate reason to do this," Grant explained. "None. It doesn't improve the tomato, or the fish for that matter, in any way whatsoever. We just thought it would be hilarious to create these things and harass the hell out of those fuckers. It cost three billion dollars to develop."

According to Monsanto's experts in the fields of molecular biology, horticulture, and agricultural science, like biologist Merkin Lillyhammer, it isn't clear whether the new genetically modified organism is a tomato or a fish. "Unfortunately the new organism defies conventional norms of classification because it can breed with the source fish, the North Atlantic Lumpfish, or be planted in moist salty soil. We probably shouldn't have done this."

Koko the Gorilla on Fast Track to Sainthood.....

Vatican City- Less than a month after her death at the age of 46, world famous gorilla Koko is on track to be canonized faster than any primate in recent memory according to sources within the Vatican.

Daniel Thompson, a Ugandan mountain gorilla, shown here using a combination of American Sign Language and International Morse Code to describe the miraculous resolution of a severe respiratory infection after having a vision of Koko.

"We are close to approving a third miracle attributed to Koko," Cardinal Secretary of state Pietro Parolin explained. "On one hand, I'm not surprised given her amazing ability to understand and use human language. But if you had told me a month ago that she would meet the requirements faster than that monkey from Friends, I'd have been like, could that...be any more unlikely? See what I did...like Chandler."

When it comes to determining who qualifies for sainthood, there are very specific guidelines. According to Parolin, protocol requires that any non-human, non-feline, animal perform three miracles after it has died. "That's one more than what is expected from human saints, who are generally preferred after that time Saint Lassie ate Jesus's last pizza roll."

Connected Eating is Growing in Popularity and Farmers are Baffled.....

Sacramento, Northern California- When Central Valley farmer Jim Jabernathy walks through his fields every morning, he expects to find the occasional mouse or corn possum. But since the Spring thaw, he has been on the lookout for something he considers to be an even greater pest: people. Calling themselves "connected eaters", believers in the latest diet fad are growing in numbers, and this is leaving farmers like Jabernathy no choice but to take drastic measures.

A child connected eating blueberries straight from the bush, shown here mere moments before being mauled to death by an enraged mother bear. The bear, whose confused cub had been following the child's mother and eating blueberries straight from her pail, was oblivious to this children's literary reference.

"I thought I'd seen it all from folks 'round here," Jabernathy explains. "I've seen a lot of fad diets in my time, from paleo to those people who won't eat anything with chemical bonds. My daughter even started strafing last year. But this just beats all. Just yesterday I had to run off about thirty of 'em from my best kale patch! They were like locusts."

What is connected eating? And why are farmers installing razor wire fences and therapy/perimeter defense badgers? Proponents are quick to point out that eating connected food has numerous health benefits, but are they worth the risk? Proponents think so. But why? And how? What?

Connected eating involves the consumption of unharvested food that is still attached to the plant. Believers say that simply eating unprocessed and raw whole foods isn't enough. They want to experience the severing of the food's connection to it's life source, to absorb its essence. Some proponents liken the experience to Earthing, the science of connecting to the Earth's natural energy in order to achieve vibrant health.

Dietary Folklorist Allen Levitzky, author of Food Tribes: How What We Eat Defines Who We Are, is an expert in fad diets. He sees connected eating as just the next step in mankind's dietary journey. "The belief that nature holds the key to health and longevity has been around since the first caveman looked at the world around him, not with fear, but with curiosity and hunger. I like that. Use that one."

Farmers aren't the only ones that are concerned about the connected eating trend. Medical experts, like Sacramento Interventional Culinologist Mort Fishman, warn that it may increase the risk of foodborne illness and blood levels of toxic pesticides. "I drive though a lot of farmland, and every week I see them crawling around on their hands and knees covered in dirt and partially chewed spinach. This is what we've become. Just mindless animals."

Trump Orders Nation's Schools to Form Ragtag Team of Misfits in Case of an Active Shooter.....

Washington, D.C.- In response to mounting concerns over school safety in the wake of the recent mass shooting in Florida, President Trump has issued an Executive Order mandating that all schools form a ragtag team of misfits, each with a unique skill, that could respond to emergencies involving an active shooter.

A team of unlikely heroes from Astoria Middle School, shown here just prior to thwarting the plans of an area crime family 

"You would only need a small team, with a nerd that's good with computers, a chemistry dweeb, an ugly girl who is attractive when you take off her glasses, a mysterious loner with a bad reputation who is secretly sensitive and shy, and maybe a fat kid who is really strong," Trump explained. "These kids are going to be total underdogs and nobody is going to expect them to succeed, but I think that they could end the attack very quickly."

In the order, Trump provided additional details to help schools put together a collection of outcasts in the event of an attack, pointing out several times that the girl on the team should just be movie ugly and not ugly ugly, and that she should have a nice set of hooters and a sweet can that you can really grab a hold of. But some experts, like pediatric trauma surgeon Mort Fishman, are expressing skepticism. "It's a promising idea, but there are some issues that need ironing out before implementation. Will the nerdy kid have a robot sidekick, for example? Will there be enough time for the team to make a plan and prepare their arsenal of traps and makeshift weapons or will they need a montage?"

Controversial Super Bowl LII Ad Sparks Ethical Debate Over the Use of Deceased Celebrity Voices.....

Minneapolis, MN- On February 4th, 2018, the Philadelphia Eagles defeated the New England Patriots in Super Bowl LII as over 100 million viewers watched from home or their favorite pub. In typical fashion when it comes to the yearly National Football League championship game, most people tend to discuss the commercials more so than the game itself after the dust has settled. This year is proving to be no exception, and an ethical debate stirred up by Amazon's now infamous Chimpanzee David Bowie ad will almost certainly continue into the foreseeable future.

An adult male Chimpanzee named Goliath, shown here contemplating his role in the downfall of human society, is slated for use as a conduit for the voice of Sarah Silverman

"I honestly didn't think anything of it at first," Black Mirror creator Charlie Booker explained from his orbiting satellite/keeping room. "I assumed it was a CGI chimp and some old recording of Bowie from an interview or something like that. I had no idea that was the real thing."

Booker, who has made a name for himself concocting suspenseful narratives where plausible near future technologies force viewers to examine their own values and explore potential societal pitfalls, wasn't alone. Surveys performed after the big game have shown that an overwhelming majority of viewers were unaware of the reality behind the ad for Amazon's new voice interface options for Alexa, their popular "intelligent personal assistant" technology. In the commercial, which stars Hollywood bad boy Adrien Brody as a fictional talented actor, a live chimpanzee can be seen running a variety of errands and speaking with the voice of David Bowie, who died from liver cancer in January of 2016.

What was kept hidden until now was just how Amazon developed the new Alexa voice options. According to a leaked memo, the process was the culmination of years of dedicated work capped off by recent advancements in 3D printing technology and veterinary surgery. The memo also revealed the names of celebrities and notable political figures short listed for inclusion in the Alexa update.

After disinterring Bowie's corpse, which Amazon owns the rights to, and locating the remnants of his decaying larynx, the research and development team created a model of the vocal apparatus in painstaking detail. Bowie's larynx was then 3D bioprinted using cutting edge biological polymers and surgically grafted into the throat of an adult male chimpanzee. After recovery from the surgery, the chimpanzee was trained to speak a few phrases on command in order to be used in the 30-second ad.

The leaked Amazon memo further details how thousands of chimpanzees will be fitted with various celebrity voice boxes in order to record phrases to be used by Alexa and then sold to zoos and individual collectors. Users will be be able to choose a celebrity voice for their Alexa at an added cost, with options ranging from the bargain bin to elite packages. For example, use of Adrien Brody's voice would likely be very inexpensive or perhaps even free, while purchasing Beyoncé's voice would likely cost hundreds of dollars. Options involving deceased celebrities would likely cost much more considering the technology required to produce them. Also chimpanzees don't exactly grow on trees, at least not until 2025 according to Amazon.

In addition to animal rights organizations, a number of extant celebrities are up in arms over the thought of having their voice used by Alexa and other future technologies after death. Some, like Hollywood bad boy Jared Leto, who will expire this Summer, are already planning a lawsuit. "The thought of some bored suburban housewife one day asking my disembodied voice to order more toilet paper is going to keep me up at night, at least until August 15th when the Collectors come for me. No, there isn't any point in trying to run. The tracker is lodged deep in my brain."

One potential use of the new voice technology that is unlikely to face legal challenge or ethical scrutiny is more personal. Alexa users will soon have the option of preserving the voice of a beloved family member, as long as their larynx isn't severely damaged by, I don't know, like a wolf or shotgun blast to the face or some shit like that. Who wouldn't, years after the death of their young child, for example, want to be able to ask them what the weather will be like today. I think that dead kid would probably be up in Heaven nodding approvingly. Because Heaven is real and it isn't too late to be saved.

Area Organization Highlights Subluxation Dangers to Promote Spinal Health Awareness.....

Nashville, TN- The Tennessee Chapter of the Universal Chiropractic Association (T-UCA) has announced plans to highlight the dangers of undiagnosed chronic spinal subluxations during their 2018 Spinal Health Awareness Week, which will run from May 14th though May 20th.

Agnes Grumph, a retired chiropractor from Knoxville and recipient of the T-UCA Lifetime Achievement award, will be sacrificed as tribute to the Innate during the Spinal Health Awareness Week closing ceremony

"The spinal subluxation is one of the most overlooked factors in poor health," chapter president Frank Grimes, DC explained. "You may go years, even decades, thinking that you are fine, and then one day it all falls apart. It makes obesity, smoking, and a sedentary lifestyle look like a day at a yoga retreat."

According to experts like Grimes, a spinal subluxation is a complex of functional and/or structural and/or pathological articular changes that compromise neural integrity. If present, these changes can influence organ system function and even general health by impairing the communication between the brain and every cell in the body. And general health has been implicated in a vast array of medical conditions, from musculoskeletal complaints like acute lower back pain to high blood pressure and even genital scrapies.

The theme of this year's Spinal Health Awareness Week is "Chiropractic - Spinal Subluxations Are Bad? Yes, They Are!" Grimes and the members of the T-UCA chapter hope to educate the public about the dangers of hidden subluxations and the benefit of frequent spinal health examinations starting from an early age. "It's always better to prevent a problem from happening in the first place than to wait until health begins to fail. And there is no better population to focus on than children because they can look forward to decades of optimum health under our care."

Spinal Health Awareness Week will take place at the T-UCA headquarters in Nashville, with a variety of fun and educational activities planned for each day of the event. Chiropractic practices from around Tennessee will take part, setting up booths for educational outreach and providing free food and drinks for visitors. Some local chiropractors will also take part in entertainment activities as well as the ritual sacrifice of Agnes Grumph, winner of the T-UCA award for Lifetime Achievement. The tribute of Grumph's vertebral column, spinal cord, and cerebrospinal fluid to the Innate will ensure another year of access to the healing power of chiropractic adjustments.

Pfizer Announces Expanded Line of Zithromax Cough and Cold Remedies.....

New York- The pharmaceutical company Pfizer has announced plans to release an expanded line of Zithromaximum over-the-counter cough and cold remedies inspired by their popular antibiotic Zithromax. The new products will complement the earlier rollout of Zithromaximum Cough Relief Sprinkles, which was the first cough medicine specifically designed to be sprinkled on Ben & Jerry's ice cream.

Aziz Ansari (shown here not sexually assaulting anyone) 

"Those money spewing flesh widgets just love Zithromax," Pfizer President and CEO Ian Reed explained. "It's the most popular antibiotic on the market for a reason. We've got focus groups where toddlers will ask for this stuff by name. Fucking toddlers, I shit you not! And the cough sprinkles? Huge! I'm talking boner pill huge."

According to Reed, consumers can expect to get the same kind of relief from their viral respiratory symptoms with an over-the-counter Zithromaximum product as they do when Zithromax is prescribed by a physician for a serious bacterial infection presenting with the exact same symptoms. He literally said that to me. And then we shook hands on it. And he looked me in the eye like a man.

Zithromax is a macrolide antibiotic derived from erythromycin, an older antibiotic that was discovered one day under a pile of rocks in the Philippines. It works by inhibiting bacterial growth through the disruption of protein synthesis. It has been one of the most popular antibiotics in America for over a decade, primarily prescribed to treat respiratory tract infections, chlamydia, and physician uncertainty. The new cough and cold products won't contain any actual Zithromax, which can only be obtained by prescription, but the word will be featured prominently on the label so that even a stupid kid can see it.

"The new products will give customers more control over the experience of their illness," Mort Fishman MD, an infectious disease expert on the development team at Pfizer, explained. "These are high quality ingredients and all-natural flavors contained in a unique formulation. There just aren't any cough and cold products on the market that are more effective. Not one."

According to Fishman, the additions to the product line will include Zithromaximum-AM with Caffeine, Zithromaximum-PM with Benadryl, Zithromaximum Pain and Fever Relief with Tylenol, and Zithromaximum After Dark. "Zithromaximum After Dark will contain a proprietary blend of secret ingredients. I can't tell you what's in the blend exactly, but I can say that it's about 90% ground up tree frog."