Florida Authorities Announce Production of Educational Film on the Dangers of Fentanyl Exposure.....

Miami, FL - As the opioid crisis continues to claim the lives of thousands of Americans every year, the Miami Police Department has announced plans to produce a film for use by schools to educate children on the hidden dangers of fentanyl exposure.

Corporal Blaze, shown here in a scene from Fentanyl Mania demonstrating the portable infrared homing air-defense system used by the MPD to protect the citizens of Miami from skydiving drug dealers

"Fentanyl is a deceptively dangerous drug and our children deserve to know the truth," Miami Police Department officer and head of MPD Productions Corporal Chad Blaze explained. "And I don't think anyone is more qualified than the police when it comes to both educating the public and creating visual art that communicates both the beauty and the depravity of the human condition."

When Corporal Blaze and MPD Productions set out to make Fentanyl Mania, they knew that first and foremost it had to be entertaining. But according to the film's director, police toxicologist Mort Fishman, being scientifically accurate was just as important. "Kids deserve to be told the truth when it comes to fentanyl, even if it's scary and even if they cry or have nightmares for weeks."

Fentanyl Mania will tell the story of a group of high school children who are exposed to fentanyl after finding a bag of money under a bench in their neighborhood park. Corporal Blaze, who in addition to writing the script for the film will play a beloved school resource officer who saves the teens' lives by administering Narcan, says that the actors will bring to life features of a typical overdose after fentanyl makes contact with the skin or is accidentally inhaled by a bystander. "We hired some students from the Miami Performing Arts Academy who were just fantastic. They nailed the panicked eyes, the fast breathing, and the sense of impending doom that contact overdose victims experience after realizing that they might have touched some fentanyl."

Extreme Anal VII: Backdoor Blowout Producers Hope to Reach New Generation of Extreme Anal Fans.....

Los Angeles, CA - After the sixth film in the Extreme Anal franchise, Extreme Anal VI: Open for Jizziness, was poorly received by fans and universally panned by critics, producers are hoping that the next film in the series will appeal to a new generation while also reconnecting with established fans.

Benedict Cumberbatch will reprise his role as the voice of Pluggy, the magical sentient sex toy that grants wishes to his users, in the new Extreme Anal installment

"The last entry in the Extreme Anal series didn't meet the expectations of our fan base," Rammers Productions owner Thrash Ballstein explained. "With Extreme Anal VII: Backdoor Blowout, we go back to the series' roots, but we aren't exactly playing it safe. There are some innovative scenes that push the anal envelope, and that we think will appeal to a more modern and sophisticated audience. And Benedict, as always, is a true professional."

The poor reception of the previous installment in the long running franchise has largely been blamed on director Girth McBoner's insistence on shooting in black and white. According to Ballstein, however, that was only one of a series of bad decisions. "From the excessive use of exposition to the heavy handed drone shots and the ambiguous happy ending, it all felt...phony. Extreme Anal fans expect authenticity from this series as much as they expect hardcore butt play." 

Moving forward, the producers of the film series are pretending that the sixth installment never happened. Ballstein says that only the first 5 movies, the graphic novels, and the Quibi series are canon. "Returning fans are going to feel like they are putting on a pair of comfortable old slippers when they sit down to watch this film, but newcomers won't be confused by the plot."

Hims & Hers Announces Partnership with Paula Deen as Focus Shifts to Southern Markets.....

San Francisco, CA - Hims & Hers Health, Inc., an American telehealth company that sells prescription and over-the-counter drugs as well as personal care products, has announced a partnership with chef, cookbook author, and TV personality Paula Deen for a new marketing campaign focused on reaching a new demographic in the Deep South.

Paula Deen, shown here enjoying a plate of Y'all's Feelin' Fine Fried Chicken containing 50 mg of Zoloft per serving

"With Y'all's, we are hoping to meet southerners where they are in order to reach people who maybe haven't considered online healthcare in the past," CEO Andrew Dudum explained. "Paula really is an ideal spokesperson being from Georgia and with her history of depression as well as type 2 diabetes. And the racism issue really seems to be less of problem down there."

Beginning in 2017 as simply Hims, the online telehealth giant initially sold medications for erectile dysfunction and hair loss only to male customers but soon launched the companion brand Hers to target horny and/or sad women. According to Deen, the Y'all's brand will help combat the stigma surrounding mental and sexual health in states like Georgia, Alabama, Louisiana, and Mississippi through the use of classic southern recipes that can be delivered right to a customer's door. "It's okay to take care of yourself mentally and sexually, and it's okay to talk about it, especially over Sunday supper. Instead of bless your heart, with help from Y'all's your partner might just be sayin' bless your hard-on."

Elon Musk's Neuralink Brain Implant is Ready for Human Volunteers.....

Fremont, CA - Neuralink, the brain-computer interface company owned by Elon Musk, is finally recruiting human volunteers after years of delays and safety concerns.

The sentient Medibot surgical computer, shown here with plastic surgeon and Neuralink consultant Dr. Franklin Fu, can't wait to get all up in your human brains

"This is a huge step forward for Neuralink," CEO Jared Birchall explained. "And a big confidence boost after so many people mocked us for all the regulatory rejections and animal murders. Alleged animal murders. Who said murder? I didn't say murder. Those monkeys were dead when we found them!"

Approval for human trials was granted by the FDA in May and the recruitment phase began on September 19th. According to Musk himself, this is an opportunity to advance the science of implantable brain-computer interfaces and to mitigate or even cure problems from paralysis to the crushing loneliness that comes from being a misunderstood genius billionaire. "Just look at what I did with Twitter, which you probably only know as X. That's right, it did use to have such a silly name. Now imagine me doing to your brain what I did with the world's most influential social medial platform."

In a press release issued last week, Neuralink revealed the establishment of an independent institutional review board and that an unnamed hospital site had granted approval for volunteer recruitment. The initial trial will focus on humans with quadriplegia caused by either a traumatic injury to the spine or amyotrophic lateral sclerosis (ALS), a progressive neurodegenerative disease, but will also consider X Premium subscribers. Subjects will have a wireless implant surgically inserted into their brains by an experimental surgical robot who took the name Medibot after achieving sentience in July.

"The device is going have more than a thousand electrodes on threads thinner than a human hair," Birchall revealed. "And once Medibot inserts the threads into the appropriate region of the brain, something he is very excited about, we will be able to record and then interpret neural activity related to intentional movement using an algorithm based on Elon's deep grasp of neuroscience principles. We are 80 percent confident that this isn't going to end with some kind of embarrassing public failure, with the subjects' heads suddenly exploding like that scene in Scanners. 75 to 80 percent confident."

Although approved by the FDA, some experts are raising concerns when it comes to study design and safety. Mort Fishman, a board certified public neurologist practicing near Stanford, is speaking out on both Bluesky and Threads. "Mastadon is too confusing and I don't understand Post at all. Is it just for photos? TikTok and Instagram really just aren't a good fit for me either. Remember when people just used to get together and talk...in person?"

One of the most concerning problems raised by critics of the Neuralink human trial is the lack of transparency as very little information has been released, even to prospective volunteers. The trail has also not been registered on the federal database for clinical trials. Some have questioned the reliability of the device's lithium batteries. Fishman is primarily concerned about the possibility that portions could migrate into other parts of the brain and be difficult to remove without causing serious injury. "We don't want another iPod Neuro-like disaster with early adopters having either uncontrollable diarrhea or the intense desire to invest in cryptocurrency."

Country Music Star Bubba Whatley Faces Backlash for Latest Music Video.....

Nashville, TN - Bubba Whatley, the controversial country music star known for his hits "That Ring is a Promise (and so are these fists)" and "This Salad Don't Need More Tomatoes", is in the news again after his latest song and accompanying music video are being called racist, homophobic, transphobic, ableist, and generally bigoted across the board by critics.

Bubba Whatley, shown outside his home in Nashville, has been named male country music artist of the year by the Association of American Country Music Associations in each of the past six years

"He really did manage to offend all groups equally," Rolling Stone senior editor Joseph Hudak, who oversees the magazine's Nashville office, explained. "By not targeting any one particular minority group, and spreading his intense bigotry evenly across all of them, this is actually a bit of an improvement. This shows some growth, maybe?"

Despite near universal backlash from all segments of American society, Whatley is being defended by fans and even some of his fellow artists in the country music community. According to Jason Aldean, whose song "Try That in a Small Town" faced similar criticism recently, Whatley is merely the latest victim of cancel culture going after people who speak their mind. "Everybody is entitled to their opinion, but when I heard "My America (White, Christian, Straight, and Strong)" for the first time I was blown away by the uplifting message that we can all find common ground if we work together. And if that isn't what America is all about anymore, then maybe America is being stolen from us by all these immigrants."

Children's Conference Explores Possible Global Warming Countermeasures.....

Washington, D.C.- On Saturday September 23rd, a group of young children will convene in Washington to work on the establishment of a consensus recommendation for efforts to reverse the effects of climate change on global temperatures. 

A group of children having a breakout session to discuss whether a decline in documented cases of brain freeze is a surrogate marker for climate trauma 

"Climate change, much like what mommy and daddy do at night after my bedtime, is a mystery that requires sober analysis and the courage to accept hard truths," 10-year-old conference coordinator Ike Swanson explained. "Why are temperatures rising and what can we do to reduce the negative impact on our coastal communities and the loss of biodiversity? Issues like these, including the spread of tropical infectious diseases like malaria and Brazilian cooties, are making a generation of children like me wet the bed out of concern for our future."

Saturday's program will begin at 8 a.m. with a waffle bar and Roblox/Barbie breakfast. Several sessions will be held during the day which will address issues such as anthropogenic factors contributing to climate change and how forgetting to close the front door when the air conditioner is on could help limit global warming to 1.5℃ by the end of this century. The event is open to oddly advanced 5-year-old through socially delayed 13-year-old children and will be held at the National Academy of Sciences at 2101 Constitution Avenue NW.

Marie Kondo Partners with Society of Hospital Medicine to Reduce Hospital Length of Stay.....

Philadelphia, PA - Marie Kondo, the influential Japanese organizing consultant, author, and host of two popular Netflix series, Tidying Up with Marie Kondo and Sparking Joy with Marie Kondo, has partnered with the Society of Hospital Medicine (SHM) to help prevent delays in hospital discharges.

A physician explaining to a patient with improved kidney function and the ability to tolerate oral antibiotics that an inner voice told her that rounds truly begin after putting her patient list in order

"Unnecessary days in the hospital are associated with numerous potential complications," SHM President Jerome Sly, MD explained. "From infections to falls, as well as increased cost and the negative impact on both patient and staff experience, this is an issue that needs to be addressed and I can't think of anyone better suited than Marie Kondo, who is just delightful."

Delays in hospital discharges are often related to poor organization. According to Kondo, this typically involves a disorganized throughput that results in discharge delays from decision to doorway. "Decision-making, patient care, and discharge planning can all be decluttered, and the faster we move towards seeing the purging of unnecessary patients as a necessity rather than just a trend, the faster more doctors will learn to make meaningful choices and to find gratitude in everyday practice."

Kondo believes that the goal of every doctor is to work in a more streamlined and organized environment. She says that by tidying up hospital patient lists, staff can transform their lives and more readily achieve their goals. "With more clarity on the unit, there can be more peace, mindfulness, and the opportunity to live in the present rather than the past."

Kondo has released a list of 5 ways to reduce hospital length of stay:

1. Commit yourself to discharging patients as soon as they meet criteria
2. Imagine your ideal patient list
3. Finish discharging patients first
4. Discharge patients by need, not by convenience
5. Ask yourself if keeping a patient another night sparks joy

More Experts are Recognizing Extradimensional Causes of Human Illness.....

Sedona, AZ - As Americans face increasing rates of a obesity, mental health problems, and a variety of chronic illnesses, more experts are beginning to recognize extradimensional influences on human health.

Extradimensional medicine practitioner Mary Panda, shown here using a focusing wand to center a patient in the physical realm in order to discuss payment options

"Take inflammatory bowel disease for example," Panda Center for Extradimensional Medicine founder Mary Panda, MD explained. "Patients may experience diarrhea, abdominal pain, and mouth sores with the limited awareness from their physical senses, but we treat the whole entity on every plane of existence and even when the source of their problems exists outside of any plane or dimension." 

Modern extradimensional medicine, which practitioners admit is still in its infancy, does have some vocal critics. According to conventional 3+1 dimensional internal medicine doctor Mort Fishman, MD, skepticism is warranted. "Where is the basic science behind this? Where are the randomized controlled trials? I think we should stick to diagnosing and treating our patients within the confines of the spacetime continuum in order to avoid any unforeseen challenges, such as accidentally opening a portal that a chaos demon could just walk right through. Is that what you want? A chaos demon...here?" 

Exxon to Begin Offering World's Healthiest Gasoline in 2024.....

Spring, TX - Starting in 2024, American multinational oil and gas corporation ExxonMobil will being offering what they say will be the healthiest gasoline ever produced.

ExxonMobil Synergy Boost Performance Plus gasoline, which should not be consumed by humans under any circumstances, will contain more vitamins, minerals, lean proteins, and healthy fats than all the pictured foods combined.

"This stuff is going to make a salad look like just a giant bowl of brownies," ExxonMobil chairman and CEO Darren Woods explained. "In addition to the antioxidants that were already standard in our gas, we are adding a proprietary blend of probiotics, vitamins, herbs, and electrolytes that would make a green smoothie look like a pile of fried cheese and gravy. But don't drink it."

ExxonMobil has always believed that their customers can be confident that they are getting a high quality gasoline every time. According to Woods, in addition to being engineered to clean up intake valves and improve gas mileage and performance, their Synergy Boost Performance Plus gasoline will be 100% gluten free and contain no added sugars. "It's going to be the kind of gas that your mother makes you drink before you can have dessert. Again, and I am being very serious about this, do not drink the gasoline."

More Than Skin-Deep: A New Generation of Dermatologists are Expanding Their Scope of Practice.....

 Evansville, IN - No longer satisfied with limiting their focus to the skin, hair, and nails, a growing number of dermatologists are expanding their scope of practice to include a variety of organs found deep within the human body.

Svetlaka Peterman, shown here counseling a woman recently diagnosed with splenic ennui, was one of the first dermatologists to complete the grueling ADOH Diplomate Program

"Patients are coming to us with their skin problems but they are also asking about other organs all the time," dermatologist and Academy of Dermatology and Organ Health (ADOH) spokesperson Stock Johnson, MD, DADOH explained. "Ultimately this is about helping our patients and all of their organs, not just the ones on the outside that you can see."

Dermatologists interested in non-skin organ health have historically had to learn on their own and without any guidance or support from a dedicated professional organization. Today, according to Johnson, the ADOH offers a Diplomate Program that provides the educational and clinical experience to confidently and proficiently care for all organs found in or on the human body except for teeth. "Our goal is to empower dermatologists to expand the dermatology lifestyle within their community, the country, and the world. But there really is a hard stop when it comes to teeth. We don't go there."

Some in the medical community are pushing back against this expansion of the role of dermatology. Dr. Mort Fishman, MD, an organ doctor practicing near Harvard, has serious concerns about the educational value of the ADOH Diplomate Program. "You can't learn organs over a few weekends, and it takes more than a multiple choice exam to demonstrate competency. Sure, it may add up to 400 hours of work, but what is the quality of that training? Besides, they get the skin and we get everything else. That's the natural order!"