New Research Sheds Light on Pediatric Evil Toy Attacks.....

Cuesta Verde, CA- Concerned parents across the nation are breathing a deep sigh of relief today, thanks to the findings of a study on the prevalence and prevention of evil toy attacks involving young children.

A poltergeist (German for "wasted future"), shown here preparing to consume the soul of a child who was not accepted into a n Ivy League preschool, typically targets the homes of parents who aren't involved enough in the day-to-day lives of their children 

"Evil toy altercations have been a recognized problem for parents and pediatricians since the publication of a landmark 1938 paper in the Journal of Malevolent Resistentialism that discussed three cases of children injured or severely frightened by an animated toy under the power of some kind of spirit or malicious energy," lead researcher Robert Freeling explained. "Now parents can be prepared, not only with a solid epidemiological framework for understanding the phenomenon, but a few useful approaches to prevention as well."

The researchers spent a year reviewing the available literature and also meticulously investigated almost one hundred newly reported attacks themselves, including site investigations and interviews of witnesses and victims. They estimate that roughly one out of every eleven children will be assaulted by an evil toy at some point during their first decade of life. The majority of these events involve dolls imbued with life using ancient Egyptian magic, although poltergeist activity accounts for roughly 30% according to Freeling. Rounding out the top three are dolls used as vessels for the souls of serial killers during voodoo rituals.

Freeling and his team believe that although there is no way of providing total protection from evil toys, there are ways of reducing the risk:

1. Use a baby monitor, preferably one that is Vatican approved and that records both sound and video, at least until your child has completed puberty.
2. Tell your children how special they are on a daily, if not hourly basis. Notes placed in lunch boxes reminding them of their singular nature can be used to provide consistent reassurance while at school. Wake them from sleep to remind them that they are loved.
3. If your home must be built on an Indian burial ground or other land sacred to indigenous peoples, avoid mocking their beliefs in any way. If possible, relocate any remains before starting construction.
4. Implantable tracking technology, while in its infancy, has developed to the point where the location of a child can be monitored by parents at all times while only increasing the risk of cancer by a quartile.
5. All potentially possessable toys should be removed from the home. This includes clown dolls, robots, monkeys with tambourines, marionettes, hand puppets, action figures and anything produced by American Girl.