Lucasfilm Announces Return of the Ewoks in Next Star Wars Film.....

San Francisco, CA -  American film and television production company Lucasfilm, best known for creating and producing the Star Wars and Indiana Jones franchises, has announced the return of some familiar furry friends in the next Star Wars installment.

Miley Cyrus, who will be playing herself in the untitled future Star Wars movie, is already working on an original song for a scene in the iconic Mos Eisley cantina

"You asked and we listened," Lucasfilm president Kathleen Kennedy explained. "It's the Ewoks! And it's a chance to answer some questions that fans have been asking for decades, like can they use the Force, did they eat the stormtroopers after the Battle of Endor, and can we do a scene where an Ewok and a Wookiee have sex?"

Kennedy added that fans of Wicket, the breakout star of the 1983 classic Attack of the Jedi played by former NFL star Warwick Dunn, will definitely not want to miss the new film. "A lot of time has passed, but Wicket is back thanks to time crystals and a little movie magic! He's older, wiser, and horny as fuck."

Republicans Issue Eras Tour (Taylor's Version) Warning.....

Washington, D.C. - Nearly two weeks after its debut on Disney+, Republican lawmakers in Washington are issuing a warning over the possibility of hidden messages in an updated version of the extremely popular Eras Tour concert film, particularly during segments handpicked by Taylor Swift herself.

Taylor Swift, shown here brazenly signaling a team of elite liberal operatives to vote for women's reproductive rights in November

"The streaming version of the Eras Tour available on Disney+ includes "cardigan" and four additional acoustic songs that Swift handpicked with little or no oversight from election officials," Congresswoman Marjorie Taylor Greene explained. "Given her history of attempts to undermine our democracy in the past, we are worried that these segments of the concert contain credible, specific, and impending terrorist threats against the November presidential election, and we are calling for an immediate halt to its broadcast until an investigation can be completed."

A recording of the Eras Tour for theatrical release had already grossed more than $260 million at the global box office in the fall, making it the most profitable concert film in history. According to Disney CEO Bob Iger, Swift's concert is a true phenomenon and will continue to excite audiences wherever they are and regardless of how many sleeper cells could be activated. "Frankly, I have bigger problems to worry about than Taylor Swift conspiracy theories. The dailies on The Marvels: The Musical: The Series are garbage."

Chiropractors on Front Line in Fight Against Spontaneous Human Subluxation.....

Belvidere, NE - For over a century, chiropractors have recognized that the bones of the human spine can suddenly and inexplicably stop functioning properly or move out of alignment, often when we least expect it and even in newborn infants. The phenomenon, known as spontaneous human subluxation (SHS), has been described in thousands of chiropractic textbooks, papers published in peer-reviewed journals, and educational websites. Despite it's popularity, however, many conventional medical doctors maintain a state of childish ignorance on the subject.

A chiropractor, shown here providing gentle palliative spinal jackhammering for a child with spontaneous human subluxation who was recently placed on hospice with a prognosis of 80-90 years to live

Though the term "spontaneous human subluxation" was only coined in 1895 by the original chiropractor Daniel David Palmer, ancient cave paintings dating as far back as 17,500 BC depicted early humans holding crude spear-like spinal adjusting devices. According to chiropractic historian Frank Grimes, DC, ancient Chinese and Greek civilizations were using manipulation to solve problems that they believed originated in the spine, such as as cervical grimp and total spinal collapse. "Hippocrates himself was always talking about the spine. He used to always say that knowledge of the spine was important because that's where all the good stuff is."

In 1895, Palmer discovered chiropractic medicine when he accidentally bumped into a guy who lived in his building. Later that day Jarvus P. Willard, who had been dealing with a cold for the past few days, thought maybe he felt a little better. Palmer realized that he had inadvertently knocked the man's spine back into a straight line like God intended. He would go on to develop a completely original science, built on ancient traditions, with the power to correct these misalignments, which he called spontaneous human subluxation. 

Palmer opened a clinic in the country's first strip mall in Davenport, Iowa, where he would work with patients to develop a treatment plan involving a series of specific spinal adjustments. After correct the patient's SHS, he would schedule maintenance visits until the patient died or decided that they didn't care about having optimal health. Sadly, Palmer would die from dysharmonic vibrosis that occurred as a result of typhoid fever a century before the invention of the Subluxatron Dermothermoneuromatic Stimugrasp 10000, which can pinpoint an SHS complex within a just few millimeters.

Chiropractic is a science that is at once both so obvious that a small child can grasp its inner workings and so mysterious that only a chosen few are privy to its true fundamental principles. Spinal misalignments are easy to understand in the context of a serious injury, like falling through an open manhole or looking down at an iPhone. The concept of a spontaneous subluxation, however, is a harder pill to swallow. But it's a pill full of knowledge and not synthetic chemicals pushed on us by the pharmaceutical industry.

There are decades of quality scientific research on SHS, much of it done near some of the most highly respected research facilities in the world. Grimes, DC, who in addition to being an expert on the history of chiropractic is offering a Spring into Spinal Health special with a full spinal exam, x-rays, and 3 free adjustments for only $99.99, says that spontaneous subluxations have been found in a variety of animal species during both experimental observation and in the wild. "We have seen them in apes, monkeys, mice, and even a snake once. I know a guy who found one in a hagfish, and they don't even have a vertebral column. Really makes you think, doesn't it?"

There is no legitimate doubt that spontaneous human subluxation exists, and can cause untold human suffering. And it is widely accepted by state governments and insurance companies that chiropractors can diagnose and manage them in exchange for money. The final mystery, naturally, is what causes them. Are there risk factors that make a person more likely to develop an SHS? Are there psychological or emotional factors at play? Is SHS a punishment from God or a test? The answer, Grimes, DC, revealed, is most definitely right around the corner. "We are close on this one. Like really close. Give us five more years, maybe ten, and we'll have it."

Conservative Expert Helps Parents Have "The Talk" with Kids.....

Gainesville, FL - The American College of Pediatricians (ACPeds), a national organization of pediatricians and other healthcare professionals dedicated to the health and well-being of some children, has issued guidance for parents on having "the talk".

A conservative mother, shown here explaining to her 6-year-old daughter about Biden's treasonous open border policies and how using barbed wire to keep out illegals protects her from being raped by brown people

"Talking to kids about the border is never easy," ACPeds President Michael Artigues explained. "But it's a very important talk to have, and we think that parents should start early with children as young as toddlers in an age-appropriate way using pictures, connect the dots worksheets, and maybe some matching games."

The new pamphlet, "How to Talk to Your Kids About the Border Before Somebody Else Does", gives conservative parents a number of helpful tips to get the conversation started. According to Artigues, an easy way to start is by simply using the right names for criminals who sneak into the country illegally. "Young children can understand that breaking the rules is wrong, and they will love the "Find the Illegals" activities included in our pamphlet. It's like Where's Waldo but with members of MS-13"  

The parenting experts at ACPeds know that children learn how to act and feel from other adults, friends and classmates, and the animated Rachel Maddow on MSNBC's Kidz Zone every Saturday morning. They believe that sharing your personal values with your children should be the cornerstone of a conservative education, and talking about the border early and often is the key. Finding an event, such as the early and unsubstantiated reports of a horrific murder or a scary expose of how fentanyl is being smuggled into the country from Mexico and hidden in random bake sale brownies by evil drug dealing liberal elite soccer moms, is the perfect opportunity to bring up this important topic.

"You can get the ball rolling," Artigues revealed. "But let your child lead the conversation. Be open and honest. If you aren't sure how to answer a question, tell them to trust that mommy and daddy know best and then tell them about replacement theory and the importance of having as many white babies as possible in order to preserve their culture. Be ready to reassure younger children that you won't let them be replaced, and that's why daddy keeps that loaded gun in the drawer next to his bed."

Building trust is an important component of communicating with young children. Artigues says that it's important for children to know that their parents will still love and support them no matter what decisions they make about the border. "Explain what the border is and what policies can lead to millions of criminals flooding into our country and the dangers we face. And be sure to talk about walls and barbed wire methods of prevention."

Finally, Artigues warns parents to avoid making assumptions. "Don't assume that your teen is conservative. He or she may have already been brainwashed by a book in their school library, a remake of an 80s movie with women in the lead roles instead of men, a man in a dress who is happy, or that time a woman who was born with a penis said she likes Bud Light."

Talking about the border is not the same as giving permission to go to the border. That's for armed militia members and politicians who can't get any meaningful legislation passed and are up for reelection. But having "the talk" helps your child to make the right decisions on their own with your guidance. And if you aren't comfortable talking to your child about the border, find another adult who is, such as youth pastor or former priest.

Eggland's Best Now Offering Good Enough Eggs at Discounted Prices.....

Malvern, PA - In an effort to reach an even wider customer base by expanding into lower-income markets, leading fresh egg brand Eggland's Best is now offering an additional tier of egg quality at discounted prices for people on a tight budget.

An elderly couple living on a fixed income, shown here finally able to gorge themselves on dozens of eggs a day thanks to Eggland's Best's new lower cost tier of "Good Enough" eggs

"At Eggland's Best, we take pride in providing our consumers with eggs that have superior nutrition, taste, variety, and freshness compared to ordinary eggs," Kurt Misialek, President and CEO of Eggland's Best, LLC, explained. "Now more people will be able to enjoy our eggs at a lower cost since they won't all be our best. I mean, our good enough eggs will still be pretty good, just not great. Let's call them average. Your basic egg. It's going to be a perfectly fine egg, don't get me wrong. I mean, it's not like we are going to be selling poor people eggs that are rotten or full of sawdust. It's just not going to win any egg awards. Does that make sense?"

Compared to ordinary eggs, Eggland's Best eggs contain six times more Vitamin D, 25% less saturated fat, more than twice the amount of Omega-3 fatty acids and Vitamin B12, and ten times more Vitamin E. According to Misialek, their best egg's superior nutrition comes from a proprietary all-vegetarian hen feed that contains healthy grains, canola oil, and a wholesome supplement of rice bran, alfalfa, sea kelp, and Vitamin E. "Our good enough eggs will still be nutritious, we just aren't going to feed the hens any sea kelp, rice bran, or any of the more expensive ingredients. It's still perfectly fine chicken feed. It's not like we will be selling Eggland's Worst or anything. Although I guess technically these eggs will be our worst, but that would be a terrible name from a marketing perspective. Could you imagine? If we did that? Yikes."

Failing Galactic Economy Leads to Increase in Alien Adductions.....

Zignar 7, Sagittarius Dwarf Elliptical Galaxy - As the number of planets suffering from the effects of an ongoing economic downturn grows on an almost krebly basis, Supreme Galactic Overlord Zorg XII has begun pressuring member civilizations to bring human adduction plans up to full speed earlier than the planned Smarch deadline.

Supreme Galactic Overlord Zorg XII, shown here setting up an OnlyFans account from his lake house on Lake Winnipesaukee

"We have reached a point where the luxury of human medical research subjects, acid mine laborers, and game for recreational hunting has become a financial burden that we can no longer afford," Commerce Droid BX-419 explained. "To feed, clothe, and sterilize a single human for just one flort cycle costs nearly two remlangs, which is significantly more that the total expenditure of transporting it back to where it came from."

The galactic recession has largely been blamed on the failed financial policies of Supreme Overlord Zorg XII, known by his billions of subjects as both the Bringer of Eternal Peace and Eater of Worlds. According to the embattled ruler over thousands of planets, now is not the time to consider a regime change. "Sheesh. I invest the galactic treasury in one alpaca farm and these guys are calling for my borgle on a plate!."

Is Anal Candling Right for You?.....

Sedona, AZ - More holistic health experts are touting the practice of anal candling, an ancient and popular treatment for constipation and other gut-related health concerns.

A child, shown here with an anal candle being improperly used in the ear by an unqualified provider and just prior to his painful death as a result of what experts refer to as "a brain geyser"

"Thermo-Rectal therapy with candles dates back to the times of the Egyptians, Romans, and Greeks," Dr. Robert Bibby, medical director at Aspen of Hollywood Celebrity Holistic Health Clinic in Sedona and certified anal candling provider, explained. "Some research even suggests that the first anal candlers were the Native American Hopi Indian tribe of North Arizona, who relied on the them for health of the distal colon and to promote emotional and spiritual well-being."  

Anal candles are traditionally made by rolling unbleached muslin cloth into a hollow cone and then coating it with wax, similar to how an ear candle is made, though they are typically much more powerful. The pointed end of the candle is gently inserted a few inches past the anus and the other end is lit. Proponents of the therapy claim that anal candles are more comfortable and less expensive than conventional enemas in which a liquid is forced into the rectum.

As with ear candles, the proposed mechanism behind the benefit of the anal version is the creation of a vacuum. According to Bibby, smoke from the burning candle travels into the rectum that warms and softens fecal matter. "The suction and vibration from the flame dislodge the warm stool and other foreign debris and pulls it into the anal candle, which many patients report as being a rather pleasant sensation. Some come back weekly to stay ahead of the constipation."

Another proposed benefit from anal candling is an improvement in overall gut health. This is believed to come from the heat entering the rectum, which increases blood flow both to and from the surrounding tissue. Improved circulation helps to remove excess toxin build up and restore important digestive function to the distal colon. Bibby believes that regular anal candling can improve lymphatic flow throughout the body, balance emotions, and help manage even severe and chronic foggy bottom. 

Anal candling is a procedure that requires trust between both a patient and a provider. Bibby stressed the importance of finding a fully certified practitioner. "If somebody thinks that they can just shove an ear candle up your ass, you might want to look elsewhere. They just don't create the kind of suction force that you need. Ask them about their wax options and if they use non-GMO cotton. What scents are available? Are they certified organic essential oils? Are the matches used to light the candle made by a loving hand using blessed poplar wood or mass produced in some factory? These things really matter."

Deadly Moose Attack May Have Involved Muffin, Authorities Reveal.....

Cloquet, MN - During an emergency press conference held today at Gordy's Hi Hat Drive-Inn, Moose Lake State Park manager Don Del Greco revealed that yesterday's moose related death of 37-year-old Cloquet native Darrell Darrellson likely involved a quarrel over a muffin.

An enraged moose, shown here demanding more muffins despite being told that he had already eaten all of the muffins and just prior to be shot by a park ranger

"We have some solid evidence and the pieces are beginning to fit together," Del Greco explained. "It appears that the moose, after it was given the muffin by the deceased, wanted some jam to go with it. Darrellson likely refused, it being his mother's jam and all, and we believe that the enraged moose then trampled him in bloody reprisal."

Cloquet, a small town located on the St. Louis river and home to the only gas station designed by Frank Lloyd Wright, is no stranger to tragedy. According to the town's mayor, Roger Maki, residents are still reeling from the September 2023 death of Timmy Martin, a 10-year-old child who had given a pig a pancake but then refused to share his favorite maple syrup. "For the love of God, just stop giving these animals breakfast foods. And if you absolutely must do so, be prepared to give them whatever dip, sauce, spread, or topping they demand. No jam is worth a human life, not even Myrna Darrellson's homemade blackberry jam."