Babies Found to be Resistant to Behavior Manipulation.....

Wilmington, DE-A recently concluded 10-year, seven million dollar study of the effectiveness of common methods of influencing behavior on infants has found that children under a year of age are suprisingly resistant.

"We looked at everything," Drexel University and lead researcher Clement Scott explained. "Reverse psychology, peer pressure, modeling, positive variable ratio reinforcement, even verbal abuse and threats of physical harm. And across the board they weren't effected. These findings may finally explain why so few babies join cults or health clubs."

Naturally these findings will serve as inspiration for future research. "Now that we know that something is going on here, the next step is figuring out how babies remain impervious to these typically effective means of manipulating the behavior of others. But ultimately we need to know why only babies can do this and if this is something that be harnessed for the betterment of mankind."

The Pentagon has been aware of this study, and interested in the results from the beginning. In a leaked memo to the Joint Chiefs of Staff, General Hap Remington wrote "So if we are all in agreement on this, I can have an infant division ready for airdrop into the aforementioned hotspot by the end of the year." The White House is categorically denying any interest in enlisting infants.

Sears Photographer Unable to Calm Crying Infant.....

Lafayette, LA-Despite all of her expertise in the use of hand puppets and key jingling, Sears photographer JoAnne Milton was unable to stop 3 month old Jessica Ayer's crying long enough to take a family picture. 

 "I don't know what happened in there. The baby wasn't responding to anything. Not even Cuddly Bear.", Ms. Milton explained. "It's like she's some kind of demon or something. It isn't right, that's for sure!" 

After a thorough investigation by store management, it will be decided what the next course of action will be. Manager Ray Geddes was unwilling to speculate as to whether the Ayer's would receive a full cash refund or store credit however he did state that "first and foremost we are worried about that baby's soul."