Amish Man Has Some Serious Thinking To Do
Lancaster County, PA-Amos Lapp, a highly respected member of the Lancaster County Amish community, was forced to reconsider his disbelief in electricity after being struck by lightning during a severe thunderstorm last month.
"I want to give thanks to God for his blessings and his merciful sparing of my life," Mr. Lap explained during a press conference held today in the auditorium at Lancaster General Hospital in recognition of his discharge home. "But to be honest, I've got a lot of thinking to do. A lot of thinking."
"Mr. Lapp's personal physician Mort Fishman described his recovery from the extensive electrical burns, and subsequent multiple organ dysfunction syndrome, as an example of the wonders of modern medicine. "A hundred years ago we would have thought that Mr. Lapp had an excessive amount of one of four bodily humors. Today we know that he has a small troll living in his belly."
Showing posts with label Religion. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Religion. Show all posts
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
Klassic Knudsen: August 17th, 2007.....
Suprised Mormon Missionaries Eaten by Cannibalistic Tribe
Papua-A group of Christian missionaries bringing the teachings of the Bible to the Korowai people of southeastern Papua, a province of Indonesia located on a large island north of Australia, were shocked to discover this morning that several of their members were eaten during the night.
"This is the third time this month too," John Yeardly of the Mormon Church Missionary Explorers for Christ, or MEC, explained. "I don't understand what this is about to be honest. I mean we came here, covered their nakedness, taught them shame, showed them the path to eternal salvation. Come on, we brought chocolate for Christ's sake!"
When approached for comment, village Chieftain Anduop Bailom stated, "I really liked those guys too. Steve was like my best bud. And chocolate. Can I just say, wow! But eating people is kind of our thing here. Frankly it's all we know."
Papua-A group of Christian missionaries bringing the teachings of the Bible to the Korowai people of southeastern Papua, a province of Indonesia located on a large island north of Australia, were shocked to discover this morning that several of their members were eaten during the night.
"This is the third time this month too," John Yeardly of the Mormon Church Missionary Explorers for Christ, or MEC, explained. "I don't understand what this is about to be honest. I mean we came here, covered their nakedness, taught them shame, showed them the path to eternal salvation. Come on, we brought chocolate for Christ's sake!"
When approached for comment, village Chieftain Anduop Bailom stated, "I really liked those guys too. Steve was like my best bud. And chocolate. Can I just say, wow! But eating people is kind of our thing here. Frankly it's all we know."
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
Pope Denounces Non-Vatican Approved Bobbleheads.....
New York, NY-With his visit to New York rapidly approaching, the Holy Pontiff Benedict XVI today approved a document denouncing non-Vatican approved Papal bobbleheads as defective and not true embodiments of the spiritual leader of the Roman Catholic Church.
"These other bobbleheads cannot be called ‘bobbleheads’ in the proper sense,” current Prefect of the Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith, His Most Illustrious and Reverend Eminence William Joseph Cardinal Levada S.T.D. explained. "This is not to say that, despite their obvious defects, the Spirit of Christ has refrained from using them as instruments of zany fun. Yet they lack the fullness of grace and of truth which has been entrusted to the Catholic Church."
The Holy See has also declared that unapproved Papal travel mugs, though perfectly capable of transporting hot liquids, will open the gates of oblivion which gaurd the pathway to eternal torment in the fiery lakes of Hell.
"These other bobbleheads cannot be called ‘bobbleheads’ in the proper sense,” current Prefect of the Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith, His Most Illustrious and Reverend Eminence William Joseph Cardinal Levada S.T.D. explained. "This is not to say that, despite their obvious defects, the Spirit of Christ has refrained from using them as instruments of zany fun. Yet they lack the fullness of grace and of truth which has been entrusted to the Catholic Church."
The Holy See has also declared that unapproved Papal travel mugs, though perfectly capable of transporting hot liquids, will open the gates of oblivion which gaurd the pathway to eternal torment in the fiery lakes of Hell.
Wednesday, February 6, 2008
Pope Says Some Household Appliances Shatter Human Dignity.....
Vatican City-In an emergency press conference held today in the ball pit of a Vatican City Chuck E. Cheese's, Pope Benedict announced that some household appliances had "shattered" human dignity.
"The Church, with its immense wisdom and love for mankind, is obligated to defend the great values that are at stake in the area of home electronics," Pope Benedict explained. "The Church is not against appliance progress but insists that it must have a foundation of ethical and moral principles, especially in the kitchen."
According to the pontiff, devices such as the iwavecube personal microwave, which has all the electronic controls and safety features you expect while taking up less than a cubic foot of space, have "shattered the barriers meant to protect human dignity."
His Holiness revealed that "When a portable, battery-powered can opener that works on round cans of almost every size, cuts a smooth edge just below the rim, and automatically lifts the lid without any sharp edges is availabe for purchase by humans, how can one deny that such a practices bring the concept of the dignity of man into question?"
After warning against the beguiling nature of science, and the ease of pushing the envelope beyond what is right, the Pope went on to express his desire for the Church to take a more active role in the development and availability of household appliances more in keeping with Christian ideals. "It is time for the Church to take a stand!"
"The Church, with its immense wisdom and love for mankind, is obligated to defend the great values that are at stake in the area of home electronics," Pope Benedict explained. "The Church is not against appliance progress but insists that it must have a foundation of ethical and moral principles, especially in the kitchen."
According to the pontiff, devices such as the iwavecube personal microwave, which has all the electronic controls and safety features you expect while taking up less than a cubic foot of space, have "shattered the barriers meant to protect human dignity."
His Holiness revealed that "When a portable, battery-powered can opener that works on round cans of almost every size, cuts a smooth edge just below the rim, and automatically lifts the lid without any sharp edges is availabe for purchase by humans, how can one deny that such a practices bring the concept of the dignity of man into question?"
After warning against the beguiling nature of science, and the ease of pushing the envelope beyond what is right, the Pope went on to express his desire for the Church to take a more active role in the development and availability of household appliances more in keeping with Christian ideals. "It is time for the Church to take a stand!"
Sunday, January 6, 2008
New Year Brings Lull in War on Christmas.....
Manhasset, New York-With the holidays now over, the long-running War on Christmas that has been raging between those pushing the secular agenda here in America, primarily atheists and communists, and moral Christians, is finally showing signs of abating.
The first week of January has, over the years since the fighting began, been a time of regrouping and rethinking strategies. Civilians across the United States are able to shop at businesses such as Wal-Mart and JoAnn Fabrics without fear of being gunned down for uttering the wrong greeting at passersby. And these same businesses are able to emerge from under the grim shadow of open and deadly warfare, no longer at risk of being bombed for selling Christmas Trees as opposed to Holiday Firs.
"I for one was very pleased to hear the latest numbers," Fox News host Bill O'Reilly explained. "Casualties are down by almost 50% since December 25th, which typically is the bloodiest day of the year on the front lines. I certainly don't want more people to lose their lives than is absolutely necessary in this conflict, but it doesn't change the fact that if the secular commandos gain the upper hand and force religion out of our government buildings, public schools, and national parks, then it is only a matter of time before programs like legalization of narcotics, euthanasia, abortion at will, gay marriage, and non-missionary position intercourse overtake this once great Christian nation."
General Tom Flynn, leader of the secular military forces is looking forward to a lengthy lull in combat maneuvers. "Yeah, a lot of us have jobs that we have to get back to. But look for big things to start up around Thanksgiving. I can't say too much right now because it is all very hush hush, but let's just say that Operation Grinch is going to put an end to all of this unpleasantness."
The first week of January has, over the years since the fighting began, been a time of regrouping and rethinking strategies. Civilians across the United States are able to shop at businesses such as Wal-Mart and JoAnn Fabrics without fear of being gunned down for uttering the wrong greeting at passersby. And these same businesses are able to emerge from under the grim shadow of open and deadly warfare, no longer at risk of being bombed for selling Christmas Trees as opposed to Holiday Firs.
"I for one was very pleased to hear the latest numbers," Fox News host Bill O'Reilly explained. "Casualties are down by almost 50% since December 25th, which typically is the bloodiest day of the year on the front lines. I certainly don't want more people to lose their lives than is absolutely necessary in this conflict, but it doesn't change the fact that if the secular commandos gain the upper hand and force religion out of our government buildings, public schools, and national parks, then it is only a matter of time before programs like legalization of narcotics, euthanasia, abortion at will, gay marriage, and non-missionary position intercourse overtake this once great Christian nation."
General Tom Flynn, leader of the secular military forces is looking forward to a lengthy lull in combat maneuvers. "Yeah, a lot of us have jobs that we have to get back to. But look for big things to start up around Thanksgiving. I can't say too much right now because it is all very hush hush, but let's just say that Operation Grinch is going to put an end to all of this unpleasantness."
Saturday, December 22, 2007
Remember When Zagmuk Used to Mean Something.....
Editorial
by Sumu-la-El
Remember when Zagmuk used to mean something, before it became so commercialized. Before every bazaar started selling Marduk ornaments and 12-stone diamond pendants. You know the ones, where each diamond represents a day of Marduk's grueling battle with Tiamat, the monster of chaos.
I remember a time in Babylonia when Zagmuk meant a chance to come together as a people, forgetting our petty differences, to assist our patron deity Marduk, the Sun god and creator of the world, in restoring order, beauty, and peace to the barren world by once again repelling the advances of Tiamat. Why the horrible goddess of the sea returns each year I know not. But I do know that it is with our aid that Marduk finds the strength to cleave the hideous chaos dragon in half with his invicible spear.
But these days, most of my Mesopotamian brothers probably don't even know what Zagmuk is all about. I mean, you can hardly mention Zagmuk anymore without offending somebody, or calling the wrath of the BCLU down upon your village. Nobody seems to even care that today the sun will remain visible in the great sky for slightly longer than yesterday, marking the turning of the tide in favor of Marduk as he once again attempts to renew the earth for yet another year. Marduk is what Zagmuk is all about and I'm not ashamed to say it.
by Sumu-la-El
Remember when Zagmuk used to mean something, before it became so commercialized. Before every bazaar started selling Marduk ornaments and 12-stone diamond pendants. You know the ones, where each diamond represents a day of Marduk's grueling battle with Tiamat, the monster of chaos.
I remember a time in Babylonia when Zagmuk meant a chance to come together as a people, forgetting our petty differences, to assist our patron deity Marduk, the Sun god and creator of the world, in restoring order, beauty, and peace to the barren world by once again repelling the advances of Tiamat. Why the horrible goddess of the sea returns each year I know not. But I do know that it is with our aid that Marduk finds the strength to cleave the hideous chaos dragon in half with his invicible spear.
But these days, most of my Mesopotamian brothers probably don't even know what Zagmuk is all about. I mean, you can hardly mention Zagmuk anymore without offending somebody, or calling the wrath of the BCLU down upon your village. Nobody seems to even care that today the sun will remain visible in the great sky for slightly longer than yesterday, marking the turning of the tide in favor of Marduk as he once again attempts to renew the earth for yet another year. Marduk is what Zagmuk is all about and I'm not ashamed to say it.
Thursday, December 6, 2007
New Children's Film Angers Some Christian Organizations.....
Los Angeles, CA-Christian groups are expressing serious concern over the new children's film "The Golden Compass", based on an award-winning novel by British author Philip Pullman, because of its anti-religious content.
"This movie, and the books that inspired it, should never be experienced by children being raised in the faith," Catholic Coterie of America president Burton Shoemaker explained. "Even the slightest introduction of a contrary idea might result in their turning to atheism and its complete lack of morality. Religion is the only thing that has so far prevented our nation's youth from drinking, doing drugs, and having premarital sexual relations."
Even more outraged are the members of SSSA, a group of sailors who support the use of sextants and astrolabes for navigating the world's oceans. "Arrrr! Right there in the title it be! If these bilge rats don't avast, and smartly, the children will come to think that a compass be the only instrument what be helpin a man find their way through these dark waters."
"This movie, and the books that inspired it, should never be experienced by children being raised in the faith," Catholic Coterie of America president Burton Shoemaker explained. "Even the slightest introduction of a contrary idea might result in their turning to atheism and its complete lack of morality. Religion is the only thing that has so far prevented our nation's youth from drinking, doing drugs, and having premarital sexual relations."
Even more outraged are the members of SSSA, a group of sailors who support the use of sextants and astrolabes for navigating the world's oceans. "Arrrr! Right there in the title it be! If these bilge rats don't avast, and smartly, the children will come to think that a compass be the only instrument what be helpin a man find their way through these dark waters."
Wednesday, December 5, 2007
Vatican Angry Over Tacky Cell Phone Saints.....
Rome, Italy-High ranking Catholic Church officials are dismissing as tacky and sacriligious a new cell phone service, offered in Italy, that provides images of the believer's favorite Saint for their mobile telephone.
"This is an outrage and a blatant misuse of these sacred images," Bishop Ralphio Macchiovito De Miyagieschi, a member of the Italian Bishops Conference Committee for Dotrinal Matters, explained. "Such praiseworthy icons belong on more appropriate surfaces like grilled cheese sandwiches, tortillas, pine doors, and greasy office building windows. This is clearly the work of the Satan."
The controversy has even reached the United States, where battle lines are being clearly drawn. Trucker Dermot McCurdy is less concerned about the images of Saints than the potential that this might inspire copycat services making use of other personally meaningful images. "I'd be pretty offended if anybody put a picture of Old Glory on a cell phone. That would only tarnish its image, and detract from the awe inspired by seeing our beloved flag painted on stock cars and women's underwear."
(Discussion)
"This is an outrage and a blatant misuse of these sacred images," Bishop Ralphio Macchiovito De Miyagieschi, a member of the Italian Bishops Conference Committee for Dotrinal Matters, explained. "Such praiseworthy icons belong on more appropriate surfaces like grilled cheese sandwiches, tortillas, pine doors, and greasy office building windows. This is clearly the work of the Satan."
The controversy has even reached the United States, where battle lines are being clearly drawn. Trucker Dermot McCurdy is less concerned about the images of Saints than the potential that this might inspire copycat services making use of other personally meaningful images. "I'd be pretty offended if anybody put a picture of Old Glory on a cell phone. That would only tarnish its image, and detract from the awe inspired by seeing our beloved flag painted on stock cars and women's underwear."
(Discussion)
Sunday, November 18, 2007
God Hires Life Coach.....
Heaven-After a string of high publicity public relations disasters, Almighty Creator of the universe and benevolent Father of mankind God has turned to Albuquerque life coach Mitchum Vaughn for help in getting back on track.
"I've been keeping up with the news so I wasn't too suprised when our Lord and Savior came to me for help," Vaughn explained. "Just the recent cyclone in Bangladesh alone would cause self-esteem issues in any Supreme Being whose lack of focus and follow-through had caused it. He may be the all-powerful Sustainer of All Things but that doesn't mean He wouldn't benefit from some brutal honesty every once in a while."
God, who has been criticized by some for allowing evil to exist, plans to start small and build up to answering more complicated prayers. "Well, I don't want to give away too much but that quarter inch of rain Georgia got last week was me. Oh, and college football is about to get a lot more interesting."
Vaughn, who has decided to focus entirely on God for the time being, did express some concern about his aggressive prayer answering strategy. "Sure, if you regrow a few limbs the numbers will look good for a while. But if the Big Guy overdoes it He might lose that whole "God works in mysterious ways" angle that's been working so well for so many years."
"I've been keeping up with the news so I wasn't too suprised when our Lord and Savior came to me for help," Vaughn explained. "Just the recent cyclone in Bangladesh alone would cause self-esteem issues in any Supreme Being whose lack of focus and follow-through had caused it. He may be the all-powerful Sustainer of All Things but that doesn't mean He wouldn't benefit from some brutal honesty every once in a while."
God, who has been criticized by some for allowing evil to exist, plans to start small and build up to answering more complicated prayers. "Well, I don't want to give away too much but that quarter inch of rain Georgia got last week was me. Oh, and college football is about to get a lot more interesting."
Vaughn, who has decided to focus entirely on God for the time being, did express some concern about his aggressive prayer answering strategy. "Sure, if you regrow a few limbs the numbers will look good for a while. But if the Big Guy overdoes it He might lose that whole "God works in mysterious ways" angle that's been working so well for so many years."
Friday, August 17, 2007
Suprised Mormon Missionaries Eaten by Cannibalistic Tribe.....
Papua-A group of Christian missionaries bringing the teachings of the Bible to the Korowai people of southeastern Papua, a province of Indonesia located on a large island north of Australia, were shocked to discover that several of their members were eaten during the night.
"This is the third time this month too. Frankly I just don't understand what this is about to be honest." John Yeardly of the Mormon Church Missionary Explorers for Christ, or MEC, revealed. "We came here, covered their nakedness, taught them shame, showed them the path to eternal salvation. Come on, we brought chocolate for Christ's sake!"
When approached for comment, village Chieftain Anduop Bailom stated, "I really liked those guys too. Steve was like my best bud. And chocolate. Can I just say, wow! But eating people is kind of our thing here. I know, I know. What are you gonna do?"
Tuesday, August 14, 2007
Sears Photographer Unable to Calm Crying Infant.....
Lafayette, LA-Despite all of her expertise in the use of hand puppets and key jingling, Sears photographer JoAnne Milton was unable to stop 3 month old Jessica Ayer's crying long enough to take a family picture.
"I don't know what happened in there. The baby wasn't responding to anything. Not even Cuddly Bear.", Ms. Milton explained. "It's like she's some kind of demon or something. It isn't right, that's for sure!"
After a thorough investigation by store management, it will be decided what the next course of action will be. Manager Ray Geddes was unwilling to speculate as to whether the Ayer's would receive a full cash refund or store credit however he did state that "first and foremost we are worried about that baby's soul."
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