Astrologers Debate Effect of New Planet.....

Big Water, Utah-The reported discovery of a new planet, which astronomers believe will be confirmed in a matter of days, has led the astrological community to come together today in the largest gathering of astrological scientists in history for some intense debate on how the science of forecasting the future will be changed.

A number of astrologers are convinced that a new celestial body will, based upon their scientific calculations and measurements, forever alter the way forecasting future events is done. "A new planet changes everything,"American astrologer Clancy Simmons explained. "Before the existence of this new planet was known I might have predicted that a Libra born on October 5th, 1976 might face an obstacle or make a new friend. Now I can accurately say that the person will be diagnosed with ovarian cancer. That's how science works. The process is refined as new information comes in."

Not all astrologers support Mr. Simmon's stance. Dr. Joseph Conway, Hollywood Astrologer and pawn shop owner, is one of them. "I make my predictions based on the movements and locations of the stars so a new planet really doesn't effect what I do. Regardless of how many planets there are, if Dane Cook or Carlos Mencia is out you should probably just stay at home."

Breaking it Down: What Americans Are Praying For.....

14%- The sweet release of death

21%- More cowbell

25%- Acquittal

13%- The voices to stop

15%- An end to war, famine, and homosexuality

12%- The smiting of Dane Cook