Parents Line Up to Buy Newest Illicit Drug.....

Chicago, IL-You've probably heard a lot of talk in the media lately about the dangers of giving over the counter cough and cold medications to young children and how the FDA has recommended that drug companies stop making them for children under 6. You may even be familar with some of the studies showing that these medications don't appear to even work when given to kids. But does any of this even matter? Are stressed mothers of snotty nosed toddlers going to stop reaching for the robitussin or triaminic?

Of course not, because in their minds these medications are the only thing that work. Only now, instead of being considered a caring parent who simply wants their child to be comfortable enough to sleep, they are now going to be labeled as criminals. As we speak, new laws are being drafted that will lock these well meaning parents up for years in some cases.

Across the nation, underground black markets are being established where suburban housewives, career moms, and stay at home dads alike can go for their fix of children's antihistamines and cough suppressants, or "drip" as they are known on the street. One such father, who I won't identify for fear of criminal prosecution, said that this is his only recourse, driving into a bad neighborhood to buy cough syrup from the same man who sells crack to prostitutes.

Local police are at a loss, suprised by the rapidity of the emergence of these so-called "drip houses" and overwhelmed by the sheer volume of traffic to them. Officer Scott Parkman of the LAPD revealed that "I guess if you've got something that until a few weeks ago was given 3.8 billion times a year legally you are going to have a problem when all of a sudden that something is labeled as off limits."

Derik Scott, who has quit dealing crack to focus on the now more lucrative drip market, couldn't be happier with the FDA's ruling. "Man, I don't know the FDA from triple A but I know that the color of snot and money is both green. I get these parents pulling up now in their SUV's with 3 or 4 kids strapped in the back, hacking up a lung and faces smeared with mucus and you can just see the desperation on their faces. And I got just what they need. Sometimes one of 'em might get scared, drive off, but I know they'll be back."

(Listen to a reading of this post by a pediatrician known as Dr. Clay on the Podcast Doctors Unmedicated)

Cold Medications for Children Pulled from Shelves.....

Silver Spring, MD-Moans of frustration and anger are erupting around the nation this week as many parents are learning for the first time that children's cold medications are no longer available without a doctor's prescription.

"We at the FDA feel that the removal of these medications from store shelves is vital to the safety of young children," FDA Commissioner Andrew C. von Eschenbach explained. "And this is a big step forward for us in our goal of rendering ourselves obsolete."

Parents and healthcare providers of varying legitimacy appear to have mixed feelings, and some are less than happy about the FDA decision. Roberta Lambarts, medical doctor and fourth generation carny, is concerned that "This is more than doubling the average time I spend with patients and this is just unacceptable. What am I, a homeopath? I don't have time to talk to my patients!" Homeopathic physician Brynt Sierra is pleased with this development. "This is great. Now there is less competition from alopathic placebos."

Representing parents in a class action lawsuit against the FDA is retired defense attorney Pamela Sessions. "We are going to run those bastards into the ground for this. As a parent, I have a God given right to give my child a completely ineffective medication or to drug them into a coma so that I can sleep!"

Chinese Vitamins Contaminated with Acid.....

Rockville, MD-Adding to growing concerns about the safety of products imported into the United States from other countries, the FDA announced today that virtually all Chinese produced vitamins are contaminated with acid.

"This is just a scary, scary discovery and I truly hope that a recall is enough to prevent any injury to American consumers," FDA spokesperson Carla Hamburger revealed. "So far we've discovered measurable levels of ascorbic acid, folic acid and pantothenic acid, as well as a number of metals such as iron, copper, zinc and nickel. Who knows what we'll find next!"

A number of the recalled Chinese vitamins are marketed to children, something that has one mother outraged. "Someone really should do something about China," Joan Vandervort, community activist and mother of three explained. "Those communist fat cats have dominated the world economy at our expense for far too long!"