Cold Medications for Children Pulled from Shelves.....

Silver Spring, MD-Moans of frustration and anger are erupting around the nation this week as many parents are learning for the first time that children's cold medications are no longer available without a doctor's prescription.

"We at the FDA feel that the removal of these medications from store shelves is vital to the safety of young children," FDA Commissioner Andrew C. von Eschenbach explained. "And this is a big step forward for us in our goal of rendering ourselves obsolete."

Parents and healthcare providers of varying legitimacy appear to have mixed feelings, and some are less than happy about the FDA decision. Roberta Lambarts, medical doctor and fourth generation carny, is concerned that "This is more than doubling the average time I spend with patients and this is just unacceptable. What am I, a homeopath? I don't have time to talk to my patients!" Homeopathic physician Brynt Sierra is pleased with this development. "This is great. Now there is less competition from alopathic placebos."

Representing parents in a class action lawsuit against the FDA is retired defense attorney Pamela Sessions. "We are going to run those bastards into the ground for this. As a parent, I have a God given right to give my child a completely ineffective medication or to drug them into a coma so that I can sleep!"

Homeopathic Scientists Call for Cord Blood Donations, Only Need One.....

Alexandria, VA-Adding to the growing number of organizations calling for increased public cord blood banking programs, while at the same time expressing concern over the increasing numbers of families deciding to privately bank newborn infant cord blood based on misleading information, the National Center for Homeopathy (NCH) today announced their intent to sponsor a new public service campaign regarding this issue.

"Far too many families throw their hard earned money away based on the overhyped claims of potential future benefit they hear from these private cord blood banking companies," NCH Executive Director Sharon Stevenson explained. "Conventional allopathically processed cord blood might only help one child but a nationwide system of homeopathic donation facilities would lead to a much greater positive impact on pediatric health. We could literally provide potent stem cells, or at least a memory of their energy, for every child in the world with just one donation."

Their campaign, which will debut in print, radio, and television spots early next month, will consist of images of happy and healthy appearing families juxtaposed with images of those same families gathered around an ill child in a hospital bed. Readers and listeners will be encouraged to donate their newborn children's cord blood so that potentially lifesaving stem cells might be harvested, diluted and potentized, and then used in homeopathic treatments. The slogan, "Are You the One?", will be used to convey the sense that an individual's donation might save millions of lives.

The homeopathic community is very excited to be taking part in such a potentially world changing endeavor. Local homeopath Josh Billings revealed that "As a scientist and a healer, it just feels nice to be able to help so many people."

Homeopathic Study Questions Established Science, Doctors Stumped.....

Hartford, CT-A groundbreaking study on the effectiveness of homeopathic remedies on a variety of illnesses was published today, and calls into question over a hundred years of medical progress and the scientific method in general.

The study, consisting of a telephone survey of patients of registered homeopaths across the nation, asked such probing questions as "How Wonderful is Homeopathy? 1. A little wonderful 2. A lot wonderful 3. Extremely wonderful." It was published in the Scientific Journal of Homeopathic Science, a peer reviewed journal.

The latest in a string of high profile studies proving the effectiveness of a variety of alternative therapies, such as the use of Aromatherapy for Prolonged QT Syndrome and Rolfing for Multiple Endocrine Neoplasia Type III, the study has sent the medical community into a tailspin. Emperor Maximus VII, current supreme ruler over the American Medical Association and the Pharmaceutical Industry has already initiated damage control measures.

In a press conference held today at Skull Island, the secret international headquarters of the medical establishment, Maximus VII announced that "We've been concerned about the mounting evidence supporting the legitimacy of non-conventional therapies such as Therapeutic Touch and Prayer in the treatment of pretty much every possible illness so a contingency plan to deal with a study such as this has been in place for a while."

Maximus went on to reveal that starting today conventional medical doctors will be pulling out of the healthcare business in order to focus purely on more lucrative endeavors. "The chiropractors, faith healers and quantum healers pretty much have things under control now so we are going to put all our efforts on providing quality pharmaceutical options for flaccid bald men and wrinkled soccer moms."

Homeopathic Scientist Reveals Oceans May Soon be Diluted to Dangerous Levels.....

Tacoma, WA-Adding to the concerns of the majority of the world's experts on global climate, Tacoma homeopathic scientist Debra Macurley announced today that the world's oceans may become diluted to toxic levels should polar ice continue to melt.

This would almost certainly be the largest ecological disaster in the history of mankind," Dr. Macurley revealed. "The entire ocean would quickly become uninhabitable to even the hardiest creatures if the large amounts of free water predicted by many climatologists were to be added to our oceans. Levels of toxic substances could easily become so infinitesimally low that the water's memory of them would render it a deadly poison."

Dr. Macurley's stunning announcement has not fallen on deaf ears. Great Britain's Prince Charles is already calling for the dumping of large amounts of all known toxic substances into the Thames.