Free Energy Machine Gains Support of Scientists and Skeptics.....

Nitro, WV-When people think of the small West Virginia town of Nitro, they may think of nitroglycerine, the explosive liquid for which it was named in January of 1918, or perhaps its most famous expatriate, Major League Baseball legend Lew Burdette. But once news of the scientific breakthrough, announced today in the auditorium of Nitro High School by inventor Stam Petrie, reaches the rest of the world, that may change.

Petrie, a Nitro native who has a number of inventions patented under his name, claims to have found the secret to unlimited free energy. "The funny thing is that it's so simple," he explained to the group of local supporters and a representative of the town newspaper, the Nitro Intelligencer. "I wouldn't believe it myself if not for the fact that an independant scientist from Charleston has replicated my results. This is going to change the world folks."

That scientist, Dr. James Ryan of Charleston Community College's Division of General Studies and founder of the West Virginia Online Iridology Program, put Petrie's device through a series of intense tests. "I can't explain how it works, only that it does beyond any shadow of a doubt. My team of energy experts consistently found an output much greater than the electrical energy used to run the foot long plastic encased contraption provided by Mr. Petrie."

This contraption, which can be plugged into any available standard domestic power socket, works by using a mixture of common household substances plus one very secret ingrediet. Petrie revealed, "I can't believe that this wasn't discovered years ago. By simply sending an electric current through a common substance formed from the fossilized remains of dead plants and animals by exposure to heat and pressure in the Earth's crust over hundreds of millions of years, the energy just seems to come from out of nowhere. It's that easy."

Petrie is calling for investors in his project so that the free energy device can be developed on a much larger scale. "This is just the beginning. Once I've got the financial support I need, the world will soon reap the benefits of my device. That is if those know nothing skeptics don't foil my plans."

Know nothing skeptic Steven Novella, a Yale Neurologist and founder of the New England Skeptical Society, isn't convinced but remains hopeful that the device lives up to its claims. Novella revealed that "There is a long history of free energy devices that haven't worked. I have no doubt that.....this one.....won't.....fail tests performed by truly independent scientists.....and.....I.....fully.....support......Mr. Petrie."

Study Reveals Alarming Increase in Ninja Obesity.....

Wichita, KS-According to University of Kansas School of Medicine-Wichita researchers during an emergency press conference, the number of obese American ninjas has increased dramatically over the past few decades with almost 25% having a body mass index (BMI) of greater than 30 kg/m2.

"This is just plain disgraceful," American ninja, and lead researcher, Michael Dudikoff explained. "Everywhere I go these days I see obese American ninjas. They look like they would rather infiltrate a bag of pork rinds than the impenetrable defenses of a rival shogun."

Rear Admiral Kenneth P. Moritsugu, M.D., M.P.H., Acting Surgeon General and longtime supporter of the ninja community, has been concerned about rising obesity rates amongst American ninjas since his appointment to the position in 1998.

"The etiology of ninja obesity is most likely a combination of several issues. In the past, ninjas obtained a significant amount of daily exercise taking part in such routine activites as sabotage, espionage, scouting and assassination missions in an attempt to cause social chaos and subsequent destabilization of enemy territory. Since the early 1970's there has been a sharp rise in ninja inactivity and a gradual shift from a high protein macrobiotic diet to one consisting largely of carbohydrate and fat heavy meals."

Dr. Moritsugu has established a government agency whose sole purpose is to decrease this disturbing trend. But not everyone agrees with the conclusions of these experts, calling their announcement "more propaganda that is agenda driven and completely unfounded". Cindy Crawzs, BSN, RN, CCP, an outspoken ninja obesity epidemic skeptic, cites the increasing average ninja life expectancy as just one of many findings that do not support an alarmist approach to ninja healthcare.

"Right now there are folks telling ninja children that they will be the first generation of ninjas to live shorter lives on average than the generation of ninjas before them, ignoring the evidence that today's ninjas are healthier than they have ever been, and every bit as active. This shameful war on ninja obesity is directly responsible for the steady increase in ninja anorexia. I long for a day when young female ninjas are no longer told by the mainstream media that despite the fact that they possess superhuman stealth, can silently kill an enemy using a variety of unique weapons and, depending on which clan they belong to, concoct a powerful explosive powder for use in offensive maneuvers or in aiding escape, they still aren't good enough."