Evansville, IN-In an emergency press conference, held today in the basement of Maynard's Shop 'N Go, Ivy Tech Community College researchers announced the results of their ten-year study which links the rise in childhood obesity with larger ass grooves.
"We spent countless hours following the evolution of ass grooves left by thousands of children over the past decade," lead researcher Matt Simpson explained. "There is a pretty dramatic correlation between increasing obesity and couch indentations that are larger in both width and depth."
Critics of the study, such as outspoken obesity epidemic skeptic Cindy Crawzs, BSN, RN, CCP, are urging caution and warning that correlation does not necessarily equal causation. "The methodology in this study is so flawed it is impossible to tell if obesity leads to larger ass grooves or if the ass grooves are somehow an etiological factor in obesity."
Showing posts with label Obesity. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Obesity. Show all posts
Friday, February 29, 2008
Wednesday, December 19, 2007
Rejected Area Man Blinded by Rage and Diabetes.....
Paw Paw, MI-Area man Alfred Rosenblatt, blind in both eyes secondary to complications of his type 2 diabetes, had to be forcibly removed from the Strand Theater today after an altercation stemming from the manager's refusal to allow him to take up an extra seat while only paying for one.
"The last time I checked, the United States Constitution didn't have a BMI requirment," Rosenblatt explained. "Is it too much to ask for me to come in, butter my coke, and lose myself in the meliferous instrument that was Diane Keaton's voice in Because I Said So or in the comedy stylings of Eddie Murphy in Norbit?"
Theater owner Melfred Strand was concerned about the possibility of bad press leading readers to making an unfair judgement about the inhabitants of this small Michigan town. "I don't want people thinking that the good folks in Paw Paw don't know how to treat people in a fair and decent manner. Most folks 'round here don't care if you're fat, skinny, black, white, mexican, or chinese cause we're all God's children. I mean we aren't like those stupid muslims who'd just as soon kill ya as look at ya."
"The last time I checked, the United States Constitution didn't have a BMI requirment," Rosenblatt explained. "Is it too much to ask for me to come in, butter my coke, and lose myself in the meliferous instrument that was Diane Keaton's voice in Because I Said So or in the comedy stylings of Eddie Murphy in Norbit?"
Theater owner Melfred Strand was concerned about the possibility of bad press leading readers to making an unfair judgement about the inhabitants of this small Michigan town. "I don't want people thinking that the good folks in Paw Paw don't know how to treat people in a fair and decent manner. Most folks 'round here don't care if you're fat, skinny, black, white, mexican, or chinese cause we're all God's children. I mean we aren't like those stupid muslims who'd just as soon kill ya as look at ya."
Wednesday, October 3, 2007
Nickelodeon Plans More Days of Play to Defeat Childhood Obesity.....
Burbank, CA-Fresh off this past weekend's Worldwide Day of Play, where a 3-hour block of afternoon programming was replaced with dead air to encourage kids to get outside and work on getting in shape, popular children's television network Nickelodeon announced today that it will be repeating the effort on a weekly basis.
"We at Nickelodeon feel that children need more encouragement to turn off the television and exercise," Nickelodeon president Cyma Zarghami explained. "Our experts tell us that the most effective way of providing this encouragement is by having one of the many channels that kids enjoy go down for three hours right after lunch every Saturday. Kids won't know what to do and their only recourse will be vigorous exercise. The only potential roadblock would be if some evil genius were to invent a device which allows for easy changing of the channels, but our sources put this kind of technology many years in the future. The obesity epidemic will be a non-issue by that point."
Seventh grader Sara Grimble, a fan of such tween oriented programs as Drake and Josh and Zoey 101, revealed that "At first I was like, great, now even Spongebob thinks I'm fat. But then I thought, what a great idea. With this, and the pulling all of their junk food ads, I think that Nickelodeon is really going to make a.....oh, they aren't pulling junk food ads. Well then what the hell is this gonna do!"
"We at Nickelodeon feel that children need more encouragement to turn off the television and exercise," Nickelodeon president Cyma Zarghami explained. "Our experts tell us that the most effective way of providing this encouragement is by having one of the many channels that kids enjoy go down for three hours right after lunch every Saturday. Kids won't know what to do and their only recourse will be vigorous exercise. The only potential roadblock would be if some evil genius were to invent a device which allows for easy changing of the channels, but our sources put this kind of technology many years in the future. The obesity epidemic will be a non-issue by that point."
Seventh grader Sara Grimble, a fan of such tween oriented programs as Drake and Josh and Zoey 101, revealed that "At first I was like, great, now even Spongebob thinks I'm fat. But then I thought, what a great idea. With this, and the pulling all of their junk food ads, I think that Nickelodeon is really going to make a.....oh, they aren't pulling junk food ads. Well then what the hell is this gonna do!"
Thursday, September 27, 2007
Study Reveals Alarming Increase in Ninja Obesity.....
Wichita, KS-According to University of Kansas School of Medicine-Wichita researchers during an emergency press conference, the number of obese American ninjas has increased dramatically over the past few decades with almost 25% having a body mass index (BMI) of greater than 30 kg/m2.
"This is just plain disgraceful," American ninja, and lead researcher, Michael Dudikoff explained. "Everywhere I go these days I see obese American ninjas. They look like they would rather infiltrate a bag of pork rinds than the impenetrable defenses of a rival shogun."
Rear Admiral Kenneth P. Moritsugu, M.D., M.P.H., Acting Surgeon General and longtime supporter of the ninja community, has been concerned about rising obesity rates amongst American ninjas since his appointment to the position in 1998. "The etiology of ninja obesity is most likely a combination of several issues. In the past, ninjas obtained a significant amount of daily exercise taking part in such routine activites as sabotage, espionage, scouting and assassination missions in an attempt to cause social chaos and subsequent destabilization of enemy territory. Since the early 1970's there has been a sharp rise in ninja inactivity and a gradual shift from a high protein macrobiotic diet to one consisting largely of carbohydrate and fat heavy meals."
Dr. Moritsugu has established a government agency whose sole purpose is to decrease this disturbing trend. But not everyone agrees with the conclusions of these experts, calling their announcement "more propaganda that is agenda driven and completely unfounded". Cindy Crawzs, BSN, RN, CCP, an outspoken ninja obesity epidemic skeptic, cites the increasing average ninja life expectancy as just one of many findings that do not support an alarmist approach to ninja healthcare. "Right now there are folks telling ninja children that they will be the first generation of ninjas to live shorter lives on average than the generation of ninjas before them, ignoring the evidence that today's ninjas are healthier than they have ever been, and every bit as active. This shameful war on ninja obesity is directly responsible for the steady increase in ninja anorexia. I long for a day when young female ninjas are no longer told by the mainstream media that despite the fact that they possess superhuman stealth, can silently kill an enemy using a variety of unique weapons and, depending on which clan they belong to, concoct a powerful explosive powder for use in offensive maneuvers or in aiding escape, they still aren't good enough."
"This is just plain disgraceful," American ninja, and lead researcher, Michael Dudikoff explained. "Everywhere I go these days I see obese American ninjas. They look like they would rather infiltrate a bag of pork rinds than the impenetrable defenses of a rival shogun."
Rear Admiral Kenneth P. Moritsugu, M.D., M.P.H., Acting Surgeon General and longtime supporter of the ninja community, has been concerned about rising obesity rates amongst American ninjas since his appointment to the position in 1998. "The etiology of ninja obesity is most likely a combination of several issues. In the past, ninjas obtained a significant amount of daily exercise taking part in such routine activites as sabotage, espionage, scouting and assassination missions in an attempt to cause social chaos and subsequent destabilization of enemy territory. Since the early 1970's there has been a sharp rise in ninja inactivity and a gradual shift from a high protein macrobiotic diet to one consisting largely of carbohydrate and fat heavy meals."
Dr. Moritsugu has established a government agency whose sole purpose is to decrease this disturbing trend. But not everyone agrees with the conclusions of these experts, calling their announcement "more propaganda that is agenda driven and completely unfounded". Cindy Crawzs, BSN, RN, CCP, an outspoken ninja obesity epidemic skeptic, cites the increasing average ninja life expectancy as just one of many findings that do not support an alarmist approach to ninja healthcare. "Right now there are folks telling ninja children that they will be the first generation of ninjas to live shorter lives on average than the generation of ninjas before them, ignoring the evidence that today's ninjas are healthier than they have ever been, and every bit as active. This shameful war on ninja obesity is directly responsible for the steady increase in ninja anorexia. I long for a day when young female ninjas are no longer told by the mainstream media that despite the fact that they possess superhuman stealth, can silently kill an enemy using a variety of unique weapons and, depending on which clan they belong to, concoct a powerful explosive powder for use in offensive maneuvers or in aiding escape, they still aren't good enough."
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