Area Woman Offended by Nudists Seen With High Powered Binoculars.....

Westmore, VT-When local senior citizen Ezra Milroy looked through the lens of her Fujinon 150mm binoculars at the beach of Lake Willoughby's Southwest Cove today, the last thing she expected to be was offended.

"This is an absolute outrage," Milroy, who lives in a one bedroom apartment with her cats and a subscription to The American Conservative, explained. "There they were, 900 yards away and naked as the day they were born trying to push their filth on us decent folk, and to turn the innocent children of Westmore into delinquents and sex fiends."

The elderly shut-in, who hasn't been offended to this degree since witnessing the Jenkins boy feel up Constable Wilson's niece in the backseat of his Subaru Forester while parked up on Mt. Pisgah, plans to continue watching the beach. "It is my duty as an upstanding citizen of this fine town to personally witness and log each and every sweat and sand caked nook and crevice displayed by those naked heathens!"

Rejected Area Man Blinded by Rage and Diabetes.....

Paw Paw, MI-Area man Alfred Rosenblatt, blind in both eyes secondary to complications of his type 2 diabetes, had to be forcibly removed from the Strand Theater today after an altercation stemming from the manager's refusal to allow him to take up an extra seat while only paying for one.

"The last time I checked, the United States Constitution didn't have a BMI requirment," Rosenblatt explained. "Is it too much to ask for me to come in, butter my coke, and lose myself in the meliferous instrument that was Diane Keaton's voice in Because I Said So or in the comedy stylings of Eddie Murphy in Norbit?"

Theater owner Melfred Strand was concerned about the possibility of bad press leading readers to making an unfair judgement about the inhabitants of this small Michigan town. "I don't want people thinking that the good folks in Paw Paw don't know how to treat people in a fair and decent manner. Most folks 'round here don't care if you're fat, skinny, black, white, mexican, or chinese cause we're all God's children. I mean we aren't like those stupid muslims who'd just as soon kill ya as look at ya."