Brabara Bloodstone's Psychic Predictions for 2023.....

 Psychic Predictions for the Year 2023
by Brabara Bloodstone

World famous psychic and dead celebrity matchmaker Brabara Bloodstone, shown here telling Ernest Borgnine to aim lower than Natalie Wood...way lower.

As 2022 ends and a new year begins, something I predicted would happen a year ago, it is once again time to share my psychic visions of what is to come over the next twelve to thirteen (check out prediction #5) months. Ever since I became famous by predicting that Archduke Franz Ferdinand would have a bad day in the early part of the 20th century, people will ask me what it's like to know the future. I tell them that it isn't as exciting as it sounds, and also that I knew they were going to ask me that. 

Knowing the future can be quite helpful. For instance, I always known when to bring an umbrella to the grocery store. But the complete lack of any genuine surprise has sucked most of the joy out of living. There are days that I tell people that they are going to die in the next few days just to watch them weep and to see if I can still feel anything at all anymore.

I've spent the last two weeks funneling all of my psychic energy into these predictions. Over the years, I've learned a variety of techniques for peering through the mist of time, from reading the cabbages to immersion in a sensory deprivation pod/above ground pool with the cover on. They are each like my own children, and I could never choose which is my favorite. But like my children, I have had to abandon a few over the years when they disappoint me.

In 1937, when I successfully predicted the invention of a technology that would make it easier for people to cook lasagna, perhaps involving a new kind of heat, I failed to predict that I would still be making predictions in 2023. In fact, despite my intuitive connection to the eternal consciousness of time, I have been unable to foresee the year when I will make my final predictions. This is my gift and my burden as I grow increasingly weary of this plane of existence.

Here are my top predictions for 2023:

1. Side effects of COVID vaccinations using mRNA technology will finally reveal themselves this year. But rather than the harmful mutations we have been expecting, recipients will begin to develop unique superpowers such as immense strength, the ability to turn invisible at will, and getting Wordle right on the first guess.

2. Animals will be in the news a lot in 2023. I see mice, cats, dogs, and even larger mammals like the flying dugong and the lesser tree horace. In late January, scientists will discover that the Latvian river skink has miraculous healing properties. Millions will be harvested for their life-sustaining oil before a young skink, born with an unusual mark on his right foot, will embark upon a quest to save not only his own species from oblivion, but humanity from a fate even worse than death: the loss of its very soul.

Will this heroic river skink, armed with the Spear of Destiny, reach the lair of evil Dr. Zimrod in time to prevent the prophesied cataclysm and save his beloved Skinkina from the oil press?

3. A cure for cancer will be discovered in February, but millions of  Americans will refuse to take it after learning that researchers used the remains of an aborted fetus from 1957 to develop the inexpensive, completely safe, and 100% successful treatment because pro-life advocates are nothing if not consistent in the expression of their deeply held beliefs.

4. Donald Trump...Jr?

5. Because of an unfortunate clerical error at the National Office of Dates and Standards, 2023 will have 13 months instead of the usual 12. This will result in an extreme tilt in the Earth's axis and the death of more than 70% of known animal species.

6. Climate change will continue to play a role in unprecedented weather events, like acid snow, sleetnados, and hailicanes. In July, the soccer game of a young child somewhere in Ohio will be cancelled, resulting in a chain of events that will eventually lead to China declaring war against the island nation of Taiwan. 

7. R. Kelly, Sam Bankman-Fried, Candace Owens, Ghislaine Maxwell, Ezra Miller and the cast of Abbott Elementary will continue to never be seen in the same room together, which will raise serious questions regarding the possibility that they are all the same people.

Is this the cast of Abbott Elementary? Are you sure? Millions of Americans can't be wrong, can they?

8. I don't understand TikTok. Does it have something to do with time...or clocks? Somebody please explain it to me.

9. Instagram will partner with Elon Musk in August and users will be able to route the app directly into their implanted Neuralinks by the end of the year. It's hazy, but I predict that Musk will get enough of the teen vote in the 2024 presidential election to win and make the device mandatory. 

10. Celebrity deaths will continue to happen in 2023, including the sad loss of Shia LaBeouf after a years long battle with cooties.

11. Music will play an important role in the lives of millions of people around the world, but not in the way you think. Seriously. Think of way right now. Nope, not even close.

12. Breakfast as a meal and a general concept will cease to exist as we know it, having been replaced by brunch by September of 2023. Young children will look forward to "brunch for dinner" nights where they will feast on eggs Benedict and avocado toast and guzzle down mimosas, Bellinis, and Bloody Marys. Oh, kids all drink now...and it's adorable!