Unilever Faces Criticism Over Controversial New Line of Dove Deodorants.....

London - Unilever, owner of the Dove personal care brand, has come under fire for a controversial new line of fentanyl-based deodorant products designed specifically for women.

A woman applying enough Dove Fresh Scent Fentanyl™ deodorant to force every police officer in Pittsburgh to need the rest of the afternoon off

"Our fentanyl containing deodorants for women are completely safe when used as recommended," Unilever CEO Alan Jope explained. "But I have to wonder if you would even ask these questions if this was a product for men. Is this really about consumer safety? Is it? Are you sure about that?"

The medical establishment has a long history of misogyny when it comes to the treatment of women with chronic medical complaints. According to Dr. Mort Fishman, a Unilever medical consultant who has read several articles on the subject, women deserve to have their voices heard. "Women are looking for a deodorant that puts the same kind of care into their underarm skin as they expect for the rest of their bodies, and with the added benefit of a highly potent pain medication infused into every application. They are tired of being told that they are just being emotional, and having their symptoms downplayed or even ignored by a system that was created by and for men."

The Dove brand was first introduced in 1957 with the revolutionary Dove Beauty Bar that contained a patented blend of cleansers, 1/4 moisturizing cream, and "just a drop of opium". But it wasn't long before store shelves were stocked with a wide variety of their personal care products. In 2004, Dove shifted their focus to self-esteem and inclusiveness with the launch of their Self-Esteem Project and a newly formulated core mission of making a positive experience of beauty available to all women, even those with chronic pain.

The Centers for Disease Control believes that 20% of American adults have chronic pain, more than half of which are women. According to Jope, women are not only more likely to have chronic pain but their pain is more likely to significantly interfere with their quality of life. "Some of the best things in life, such as dancing, excitedly pointing at birds, or trying to get someone's attention from across a field full of active land mines, involve holding our arms up in the air and waving them around in a carefree fashion. Insecurity about their underarms, in addition to chronic pain and crippling misogyny, are factors addressed by these products. It's hard to understand so many people hate women and want them taken off store shelves."

Despite a track record of safety and clinical effectiveness, the new fentanyl-based deodorants aren't for everyone. Fishman, who voted for Hillary Clinton and came really close to hiring a woman to join his practice last year, says that some caution is warranted. "Look. I'm not going to mansplain this to you. I respect women to much. Their bodies, their choice."