Disgruntled Former McDonald's Spokesman Makes Comeback.....

Garden City, ID-Former McDonald's spokesman Grimace, out of the public eye for years and rumored to have died of complications from his morbid obesity, has emerged, 200 pounds lighter and starring in a one-man play based on his life.

"It's taken a lot of time, some intense psychotherapy, and gastric bypass surgery to get me where I am today," the now svelte Grimace explained. "I'm not going to dwell on the past though. This is my chance to make a fresh start and a new name for myself."

Grimace's performance, The Milkshake Monologues, can be seen at the Garden City Rumpus Room all week and promises to clear up a lot of misconceptions about his life, in particular the rumors of his off-set romance with Birdie the Early Bird. "I had really hit rock bottom. I remember once when Ronald walked in on me snorting strawberry milkshake off of Birdie's stomach. It wasn't pretty. It's all in the show."

Children's Hospital Purchased by McDonald's.....

Nashville, TN-Setting an unusual precedent, Vanderbilt Children's Hospital was purchased today by the McDonald's Corporation. Ronald McDonald himself was present at the press conference.

"This is sure to be only the beginning of a new age of competition between the burger giants," Chief of Staff Kevin Churchwell remarked. "Burger King put in a decent bid but McDonald's just had more to offer. I like the Whopper better than the Big Mac but McDonald's fries are better. That's important to me and it's important to my patients."

Cody Carpenter, third year resident at the Children's Hospital, is excited about the transition. "There are going to be some bumps in the road, especially with the new drive through emergency department, but this is what's best for the children. And I get free Happy Meals."