Homeopathic Scientists Call for Cord Blood Donations, Only Need One.....

Alexandria, VA-Adding to the growing number of organizations calling for increased public cord blood banking programs, while at the same time expressing concern over the increasing numbers of families deciding to privately bank newborn infant cord blood based on misleading information, the National Center for Homeopathy (NCH) today announced their intent to sponsor a new public service campaign regarding this issue.

"Far too many families throw their hard earned money away based on the overhyped claims of potential future benefit they hear from these private cord blood banking companies," NCH Executive Director Sharon Stevenson explained. "Conventional allopathically processed cord blood might only help one child but a nationwide system of homeopathic donation facilities would lead to a much greater positive impact on pediatric health. We could literally provide potent stem cells, or at least a memory of their energy, for every child in the world with just one donation."

Their campaign, which will debut in print, radio, and television spots early next month, will consist of images of happy and healthy appearing families juxtaposed with images of those same families gathered around an ill child in a hospital bed. Readers and listeners will be encouraged to donate their newborn children's cord blood so that potentially lifesaving stem cells might be harvested, diluted and potentized, and then used in homeopathic treatments. The slogan, "Are You the One?", will be used to convey the sense that an individual's donation might save millions of lives.

The homeopathic community is very excited to be taking part in such a potentially world changing endeavor. Local homeopath Josh Billings revealed that "As a scientist and a healer, it just feels nice to be able to help so many people."

New Louisana Governor Stoked About Victory.....

Baton Rouge, LA-As the next governor of Louisana, when U.S. Rep. Bobby Jindal takes office in January of next year, he will be the youngest currently in office. And he couldn't be more stoked about his recent victory.

"This is awesome man, just awesome," Jindal exclaimed at the victory party held in his honor at the Fox and Hound Pub on Corporate boulevard. "Seriously man, I don't want to talk about politics and junk. I just want to play some pool, drink a few pints, and have fun. You want a beer?"

With 56% of the votes in his favor, Jindal feels that he has the support to go ahead with a number of controversial initiatives. "I truly feel that the Playstation 3 is the better platform but the Wii has a broader appeal. It is a gaming system that I feel best represents what we stand for here in Louisiana and there should be one in every home."

Fraggles Feared Dead in Tragic Cave Collapse.....

Fraggle Rock, Idaho-After several days of intense rescue efforts by an experienced team of Doozers, attempts at retrieving a group of Fraggles, 22-inch tall underground dwelling humanoids, caught in a cave-in have been called off today and the creatures have officially been declared dead.

"I knew this would happen," explained Red, a Fraggle who is thought to now be the last surviving member of the species. "It was only a matter of time before Gobo went and got himself killed, and I always worried that he'd drag the rest of us down with him with his silly "exploring". This is that damn Traveling Matt's fault!"

A number of theories have been proposed as to why the near entirety of the Fraggle population was gathered in one of the lesser-known caves. Fraggleologists are convinced that, based on the 5-year long documentary of Fraggle life which was televised from 1983 to 1987, the group was searching for a fresh supply of tasty Doozer scaffolding. A competing theory involves the establishment of a Fraggle cult, built around the worship of an all-knowing all-seeing Trash Heap.

Not everyone is upset about the unfortunate demise of these colorful, radish eating critters. Ma Gorg, self-proclaimed Queen of the Universe revealed, "Good riddance to those pest. Fraggles are nothing but vermin. Radish stealing vermin." Silly creature from outer space, and former North American Society of Tinkerers "Man of the Year" Jerome Crystal seemed unconcerned by the deadly turn of events, asking "What's a Fraggle? Did Shimmelfinney put you up to this?"

Image of Charles Darwin Discovered on Cheese Danish.....

Columbia, SC-A large crowd has formed outside of a downtown Columbia diner today as more and more scientists are arriving to catch a glimpse of what many are calling the Danish Darwin.

Just hours ago, while preparing to open the diner that has been in her family for 5 generations, Rhonda Huxley grabbed a day old cheese danish out of a countertop display case. What Rhonda didn't know was that this simple action would soon put her, and this very special pastry, in the middle of an event of scientific proportions.

"I didn't know who it was," Huxley explained. "It just looked like an old man with a scruffy beard. But there's this guy Jim who eats here who knows everything so I saved it to see if he could figure it out."

What Jim Balhoff, a custodial engineer at nearby Columbia Community College, saw when he gazed into the cheese filled concoction of flour, milk, yeast, eggs and butter, was a perfect likeness of Charles Darwin, the man who first proposed and provided scientific evidence that life has evolved over time from common ancestors through the process of natural selection. Balhoff revealed, "I saw him on an episode of The 700 Club. They had a cartoon where he marries a monkey and then they have monkey babies. I didn't come from no monkey!"

As word spread through the scientific community, researchers from a variety of fields have been making their way here to view the image of Darwin. "I just had to see it up close," zoologist Derick Sazuki explained. "I had to bask in its presence, to soak in its healing essence."

A makeshift encampment has been built by the growing mass of scientists and throughout the crowd there can be heard expressions of joy and exaltation. Many of these men and women faint upon the sight of the danish, some even erupting into long sequences of ones and zeros. A number of scientists, upon touching the pastry have thrown away their glasses claiming to have restored vision. One man stood straight, he claimed, for the first time in years because his scoliosis was completely corrected. "It's a vastly improbable occurrence! I give my life to you!"

Scientists Speak Out Against Genetically Modified Crops.....

Bucksnort, TN-An emergency meeting of some of the top scientific minds in the world is being held today in Bucksnort to discuss legitimate concerns regarding the safety and ethics of introducing genetically modified crops into the human food supply.

"Genetical modification occurs when scientists create new forms of life in a laboratory," Chiropractor Frank Grimes explained. "These are plants, insects, and animals that have never existed and have no natural ecosystem in which to exist. This blatantly ignores Newton's 2nd Law of Thermodynamics and the Bible."

Meeting coordinator Tim-Bob Alvarez, a Doctor of Tobaccology, further revealed that "Genetically modified crops specifically are plants into which scientists have inserted new genes that have been taken from animals. For example, a potato that can survive in colder weather can be made by inserting a gene from a cold water fish. Unfortunately it is difficult to control for things like scales forming on the potato or the potato having a strong fishy odor. Most scientists who aren't in the pocket of the GM crop industry are concerned that the same thing might happen to people after ingestion of these potatoes."

Genetically modified crops are known to be more aggressive than natural varieties according to some of the attending experts. Dane Cook, a comedian and environmental activist serving as the keynote speaker, stated that "This means that when GM crops are released into the environment they could spread out of control. This could mean the destruction of all non-GM crops. We may soon live in a world where starving children in Africa won't even have the option of choosing between natural and GM crops."

Genetically modified crops are often designed to be more hardy and resistent to destruction by insects that easily destroy natural varieties. Alvarez, always the skeptic, pointed out that "This might seem like a good thing but what about when we need to destroy the GM crops because they are taking over all of our available land. Scientists will be forced to create genetically modified insects that can eat the genetically modified crops. But who will be able to defeat the insects?"

Not suprisingly, today's meeting of the minds actually raised more questions than it answered. But those taking part have sworn to continue their tireless efforts to root out the hidden dangers of genetically modified crops, even in the face of contrary evidence. "Ignoring data that fails to support one's conclusion isn't easy," Dr. Grimes explained. "But it is the mark of a true hero to stand up for one's beliefs no matter how wrong they might be."

Hallmark Purchases Rights to Human Emotion of Love.....

Kansas City, MO-In an unprecedented move, Hallmark, the United State's largest manufacturer of greeting cards, has purchashed the rights to the human emotion love from the Dow Chemical Company for a staggering 10 billion dollars.

"We felt that owning the rights to such an important aspect of the lives of an ovewhelming majority of American citizens was definitely worth the asking price," Donald J. Hall Jr., current president of the company explained. "Plans are already underway to legally change the name to a more appropriate word, that is once a few minor bumps in the road are smoothed over."

Representing Hallmark in the current legal battle over the company's ownership of love is Daniel Weeb, who may be recognized as the lead attorney in Kevin Federline's failed attempt to purchase rights to the 1991 Gerardo smash hit "Rico Suave". "I Hallmark the opportunity to represent Hallmark in this case, which is essentially meritless."

The current lawsuit involves the claim, by Joel Osteen Ministries, of having ownership of agape love, or asexual spiritual love, for the past several years having won them in a high stakes poker game with Christodoulos, the Archbishop of Athens and All Greece. He is asking for a portion of any profits coming from the use of the human emotion formerly known as love.

Sylvia Brown's "The Next 100 Years of Breakfast" Predictions Released.....

Campbell, CA-At last, Sylvia Brown's long awaited list of psychic predictions for the next 100 years, this time involving all things breakfast related, was published today in her popular newsletter, the Sylvia Brown Newsletter.

Since the year 2000, when Brown released her inexplicably accurate list of 40 general predictions for the next 100 years, including such revelations as "Babies will be birthed in water all the time, with music, incense, and green and lavender lights." and "There will be no US Presidency; our government will go back to a Greek Senate structure.", she has continued to produce lists of even more amazing predictions in order to better fill in the gaps in our knowledge of the future. Her previous list of predictions, "The Next 100 Years of Electronics", sent shockwaves through Wall Street as investors scrambled to dump stocks of future losers. Her list of breakfast predictions also stands poised to rock the very foundations of our modern society:

1. By 2015, breakfast will be eaten almost entirely with a fork, even cereal, but cereal will be the new word for eggs. Cereal will no longer be eaten because of the discovered toxic effects of genetically modified crops.

2. The Trix Rabbit will obtain a box of the coveted cereal which shares his name by clandestine means in early 2019 only to have it snatched away by a group of unruly children. Their demise at his hands, which will forever be known as the Murdery Massacre, will be the first step on a long and winding road to the electric chair.

3. At the age of 57 in 2030, Dig 'Em Frog will finally decide to escape the shackles of type casting and move to the Broadway stage. He will eventually star in a revival of "A Chorus Line" as Gregory but first he will legally change his name to Dig Them to symbolize his newfound maturity.

4. A clinically depressed Tony the Tiger will lose much of his fan base when he abruptly changes his slogan to "They're Fi-i-ne I guess if you like that kind of stuff but it doesn't matter because we are all going to die anyway!"

5. After a bitter feud lasting several decades, Count Chocula and Franken Berry will reconcile and reunite in 2053, forming a Bobby Brown cover band. Senator Brown, whose brain will have been uploaded into the Internet will successfully sue the duo for royalties from their popular albums.

6. Emerging from the closet in the year 2065, now openly gay Crackle! will be forced out by born again Evangelical Christians Snap! and Pop!. Crackle will join with Bang! and Whack! to back a new breakfast cereal for gays. Snap! and Pop! will ascend to Heaven during The Rapture, which will take place in 2090 as opposed to 2091 due to a clerical error. They will be disappointed to learn that Heaven has been bought by Microsoft and renamed The Holy Vista version 1.0.

7. Finally succumbing to his lifelong love of Super Sugar Crisp cereal, Sugar Bear will suffer his third and final heart attack in 2095. Having lost both legs to diabetes years earlier, Sugar Bear had been spending his time as unlikely first mate to Horation Crunch who had resigned from the Navy to shrimp the New Gulf of Mexico, which is the same as the old Gulf of Mexico really but there will be this whole attempt to improve its image that won't really work that well because of the toxic jellyfish infestation.

8. King Vitamin will assume the position of Supreme Overlord of the Earth in 2098. His reign will last one day as he will die in a tragic accident secondary to an innocent misunderstanding. His last words will be "Not me! The cereal!"

9. I see nothing past 2099. This perhaps means that the end of all existence occurs during that year, or maybe just the end of breakfast.

Area Woman Found Dead; Last Nerve Worked.....

Lafayette, LA-Police discovered 48-year-old mother of 5 Rhonda Lewis dead in her home today and preliminary autopsy results have revealed a severely worked last nerve.

"This isn't final, but after a thorough and exhaustive examination of the deceased, the only abnormality I found was a total absence of good nerves," Lafayette Parish Deputy Chief Medical Examiner Frank Cataldie explained. "The most intact nerve, which was very likely her last good one, was worked pretty hard. It has to be what killed this woman."

This would not be the first death blamed on an overworked last good nerve and University of Louisiana at Lafayette neuroanatomist Steve Harkey should know. He's been studying this phenomenon for the past 15 years. "Usually these events can be traced back to misbehaving children, with a full quarter of them directly resulting from sassmouth. The rest are divided up between not mindin', actin' a fool, and botherin' your sister."

Alf Once Again Blamed for Laboratory Arson.....

Newark, NJ-In an emergency press conference held today in front of the smoking rubble that was Globodyne Cosmetics, the FBI has singled out 1980's sitcom star Gordon Shumway, more popularly known as Alf, as the lead suspect in yet another case of arson at an animal research facility.

"This wreckage you see behind me is just the latest in an unprecedented series of attacks on research labs," Agent Bill Tanner explained. "At first glance, the planning that must have gone into these terrorist acts would seem to have only been possible with a number of highly trained men and women working together in a concerted effort to avoid collateral damage and loss of human life. Perhaps some kind of a PETA supported group of individuals seeking to put an end to animal research, to liberate them if you will."

Not everyone accepts the FBI's conclusion that the diminutive alien from Melmac is to blame for the multiple counts of arson. Fan club president Derek Holloway continues to claim Alf's innocence. "He wouldn't care about lab animals. We are talking about a creature that thinks cats are a delicacy. This is ridiculous!"

Babies Found to be Resistant to Behavior Manipulation.....

Wilmington, DE-A recently concluded 10-year, seven million dollar study of the effectiveness of common methods of influencing behavior on infants has found that children under a year of age are suprisingly resistant.

"We looked at everything," Drexel University and lead researcher Clement Scott explained. "Reverse psychology, peer pressure, modeling, positive variable ratio reinforcement, even verbal abuse and threats of physical harm. And across the board they weren't effected. These findings may finally explain why so few babies join cults or health clubs."

Naturally these findings will serve as inspiration for future research. "Now that we know that something is going on here, the next step is figuring out how babies remain impervious to these typically effective means of manipulating the behavior of others. But ultimately we need to know why only babies can do this and if this is something that be harnessed for the betterment of mankind."

The Pentagon has been aware of this study, and interested in the results from the beginning. In a leaked memo to the Joint Chiefs of Staff, General Hap Remington wrote "So if we are all in agreement on this, I can have an infant division ready for airdrop into the aforementioned hotspot by the end of the year." The White House is categorically denying any interest in enlisting infants.