A Ginsu Knife Salesman Makes Local Woman Uncomfortable.....

Sugar Land, TX-Door-to-door Ginsu knife salesman Matthew Rouse made housewife Rosemary Perkins very uncomfortable today when he mentioned that his samples of the well known brand of cutlery were adept at slicing through human bone.

"He was just so creepy," the visibly shaken Perkins explained. "He kept staring at me with vacant and soulless eyes as he sharpened an 8-inch chef knife repeatedly. He was so cold, so inhuman. He smelled like death."

Fran Carter, Associate Vice-President of Ginsu's parent company Douglas Quikut, stands by Rouse's approach. "It is vital that potential Ginsu customers be aware of the potential safety hazards involved with unsafe use of our knives. They need to know that improper use can lead to some pretty serious injuries.

Rouse, who is returning to the world of door-to-door sales after completing a stint at nearby Fort Bend Coundy Maximum Security Prison for aggravated assault with a Kirby vacuum cleaner, revealed that "I don't know why that old broad got so spooked. I just told her how I could cut through bone, like hers or her families, or her pets. And how I could, you know, do it over and over again if I wanted to do. What's the big deal?"

After discussing the incident with Rouse, Douglas Quikut Vice-President Fran Carter again stated her full support of his technique, saying that "Potential customers also need to know that our quality cutlery never need resharpening. I'm at a loss for why this is being so bandied about in the press. Isn't there a war or something going on?"

Neighbor Blames Missing Hedge Clippers on Quantum Mechanics.....

Santa Fe, NM-In a bold move, local man John Wilson has invoked the study of the behaviour of matter and energy on the scale of atoms and subatomic particles and waves to explain the disappearance of a pair of hedge clippers he had recently borrowed form neighbor Steve Mortenson.

"I don't know what happened to them," Wilson explained. "I swear I left them right here in the garage. Maybe this is some kind of quantum entaglement or a very small black hole. I think I saw something about this on the internet."

This is not the first time that Wilson has provided stange and improbable excuses for alleged unneighborly behavior. Mortenson, who is demanding that the missing hedge clippes be replaced, revealed, "I don't buy it for a second. This is the same guy that last year told me a sasquatch must be leaving those tightly coiled piles on my front yard. All I know is that the same day he brings his mutt home from the animal shelter, my yard turns into a mine field."

New Book by Kevin Trudeau to Tackle Big PTA.....

Lynn, MA-In a press conference today, consumer advocate Kevin Trudeau announced plans for a next book that will take on the powerful Parent-Teacher Association.

"This is not going to be an easy thing to do by any stretch of the imagination," Trudea explained. "Representatives of this organization are everywhere. They are in our schools. They are in our homes. The mere fact that you have probably never heard of or had any problems with this insidious organization is all the proof you should need that it is pure evil."

Nicholas P. Kostan, Superintendent of Lynn's public school system isn't buying Trudeaus claims of a sinister side of the PTA. He answered those claims in a statement released to the press. "The PTA is a voluntary organization bringing together parents and teachers of pupils in a particular school or school district, usually for fund-raising, building parental involvement at school and other activities relating to the welfare of the school. There is nothing going on that the general public needs to worry about. Especially if they know what is good for them."

PTA National President Jan Harp Domene has heard these types of accusations before. "Trudeau is just trying to make a name for himself and obviously is running out of groups to denigrate. The PTA is not, and never has been, involved in supplying arms to inner city gangs. We have never stockpiled plutonium. And we are not brainwashing student's into a zombie-like state of subservience as soldiers in our quest for dominion over humanity. To even suggest such things is absurd. Stupid humans."

Trudeau's new book will trace the history of the PTA back to the Dark Ages where a group of druids, witches, and stranded aliens began monthly gatherings to discuss ways of improving their lackluster fundraising efforts to support the wiping out of the human race. Legend has it that these early meetings spawned the first documented bake sales and spaghetti dinners, only instead of the auction of a new wagon or a sack of flour the unwary peasant villagers were lured to their doom.

When it was discovered that merely asking for the villager's money, instead of devouring their flesh, improved both the weight of their coin purses and their reputations, the group decided to go legit. At least by appearances that is. Trudeau claims that modern descendant of these dastardly cabals is today's PTA. "These guys are so afraid of what I have to say that they have tried to stop me from writing this book. But if you order now, I'll throw in copy of my new CD, the one that the PTA doesn't want you to know about, on which I expose how they use Ice Cream Socials and Back to School Pancake Breakfasts to manipulate us all."

We're All Going to Die. But First, Sports.....

Bangor, ME-WLBZ-TV reporter Caroline Cornish announced today during a segment that we are all going to die.

"We are all going to die! Ahhhhhhhhhh! Ahhhhhhhhhhhh," Cornish explained. "Game over man, game over. The only thing left to do now is pray. I'm talking minutes, just minutes."

Dr. James Bernard, an expert in global emergency management, disagreed stating that "This is beyond prayer. It's a done deal. Humanity will very soon cease to exist and nothing is going to change that unless someone out there has the ability to bend time and space."

"Local man Sherman Leach, who was born with the ability to bend time and space, was found dead today," anchor Trip McDermott revealed. "But first, before we head back to Caroline Cornish with an update on the now unavoidable destruction of the human race, Jim Tucker has the latest sports scores. And later, Tricia Sloan has our Consumer Watchdog report. Stay tuned to learn a few simple ways to avoid home repair scams."

Cold Medications for Children Pulled from Shelves.....

Silver Spring, MD-Moans of frustration and anger are erupting around the nation this week as many parents are learning for the first time that children's cold medications are no longer available without a doctor's prescription.

"We at the FDA feel that the removal of these medications from store shelves is vital to the safety of young children," FDA Commissioner Andrew C. von Eschenbach explained. "And this is a big step forward for us in our goal of rendering ourselves obsolete."

Parents and healthcare providers of varying legitimacy appear to have mixed feelings, and some are less than happy about the FDA decision. Roberta Lambarts, medical doctor and fourth generation carny, is concerned that "This is more than doubling the average time I spend with patients and this is just unacceptable. What am I, a homeopath? I don't have time to talk to my patients!" Homeopathic physician Brynt Sierra is pleased with this development. "This is great. Now there is less competition from alopathic placebos."

Representing parents in a class action lawsuit against the FDA is retired defense attorney Pamela Sessions. "We are going to run those bastards into the ground for this. As a parent, I have a God given right to give my child a completely ineffective medication or to drug them into a coma so that I can sleep!"

Infant Formula Companies to Unveil New Diet Products.....

Princeton, NJ-Mead Johnson, Nestle, and Ross Pediatrics, the three largest manufactureres of infant formula, today announced their plans to work together on a series of public service announcements to increase awareness of the existence and benefits of breast milk alternatives.

"There are many well established benefits to formula feeding," Enfamil representative Brooke Mayweather explained. "Formula is scientifically designed to provide infants with all the nutrition that they might need, and is a much better fit for the active lifestyle of today's on-the-go babies who don't necessarily appreciate being forced to rely on a caregiver for meals."

The commercials will show a series of images of young infants engaged in a variety of activities such as tennis and water polo, non-athletic but equally involved undertakings like public speaking and city planning, and moments relaxing at the beach with their baby friends. The slogan, "For Fitness or Fun, Think Formula!", has been chosen to accompany these images. Hallie Berry has signed on as a celebrity spokesperson.

Mayweather further revealed that "Formula companies are first and foremost interested in promoting ways to help newborns and older infants live active and healthy lives. We are expecially concerned about the growing threat of infant obesity." This dedication to infant health has led to formula companies' involvement with promoting infant exercise programs in an effort to stem the tide of this very serious problem. "Our studies show that this generation of babies will need size 5 diapers earlier than any before it. We really have an opportunity to do something about this but people have to buy more formula.'

The companies are planning to use these public service announcements as a platform for not only promoting awareness of the benefits of formula but also the unveiling their new lines of diet baby formulas. These new light formula products will have half the calories of conventional formula and will also be available in low-fat as well as a Atkins, Zone, South Beach, and Hollywood Miracle Diet varieties.

Chiropractic Scientists Concerned Over Spread of Adjustment Resistant Subluxations.....

Little Rock, AR-For over a century, Chiropractic physicians have been diagnosing and treating a deadly and mysterious condition. In fact, you might not even know you have it. This entity, the subluxation, has been linked to virtually every disease process known to medical science yet it often is asymptomatic and undetectable.

Dr. Frank Grimes, D.C. explains, "That is what makes a subluxation such a threat to public health. Medical doctors call high blood pressure the silent killer but at least that condition, whatever it is, is rare. Studies have shown that every single person that visits a chiropractor is found to have a subluxation. That's pretty scary because a lot of people don't even see a chiropractor regularly. They see a dentist twice a year but ignore the recommendations of the World Chiropractic Alliance, International Chiropractors Association, and American Chiropractic Association on regular spine exams."

The exact definition of the spinal subluxation has changed somewhat over the years as chiropractic science advanced. Earlier notions of a spinal segment having to be demonstrably out of alignment and pinching a spinal nerve were discarded for the more exact Vertebral Subluxation Complex or VSC. This is a complex of functional and/or structural and or pathological articular changes that compromise neural integrity and may influence organ system and general health. Dr. Grimes points out that "The process of coming up with a unified definition of the subluxation was very scientific, involving a show of hands and I believe someone had a calculator."

The difficulty in locating these spinal subluxations even with advanced imaging such at CT scans and MRI has, in large part thanks to chiropractic researchers over the years, been overcome by the development of a number of high-tech diagnostic modalities such as low resolution electronic chiropractic thermography and supine leg length differential estimation. Some chiropractors with advanced training are even able to locate subluxations on xrays of the spine that regular medical radiologists would miss.

But the most vital aspect of any chiropractic evaluation remains the hands on palpation required to diagnose more subtle subluxations. Grimes reveals, "This is where the art of chiropractic, as opposed to the science, comes into play. Sorting out those hard to find subluxations can be difficult but eventually you'll find one in pretty much everybody. It's a nice feeling to catch one early before any catastrophic nervous system damage or immune dysfunction has taken place."

Typically, subluxations can be easily treated with a series of chiropractic adjustments, which consist of a series of highly skilled, manipulations of your spine with varying degrees of force, or with certain instruments, and in a variety of locations depending on where the subluxation is found along the spine and what particular technique your chiropractor uses. There are hundreds of different adjustment techniques, all of equivalent efficacy at treating subluxations and improving health. Patients tend to respond better to more frequent visits, some even requiring daily and weekly adjustments. Grimes adds, "Once the patient is out of danger, visits to maintain alignment and prevent subluxations are a must. You don't stop brushing your teeth once a cavity is filled!"

Of growing concern to the chiropractic community is the increasing incidence of adjustment resistant subluxations, and the recent discovery of subluxations resistant even to advanced chiropractic treatments such as non-surgical spinal decompression systems and Applied Kinesiology. Grimes explains, "If this trend continues, we may soon see a day where chiropractors become obsolete. It's a good thing I know how to do acupuncture."

More Preschoolers Facing Increased Academic Pressure.....

Chicago, IL-When architect Joan Wallace dropped her 3-year-old daughter Hannah off at preschool this morning, she hugged her, handed over her lunchbox, and took one more opportunity to go over a few flash cards.

"A caterpillar!" Hannah exclaimed proudly as her mother held up a card featuring a lepidoptera in its larval form. Her mother sighed. "Caterpillar won't get you into Harvard sweetheart."

"Flowers!" She excitedly yelled out, a frown formed on her mother's face. "It's only partial credit. These are Siam Roses. Come on Hannah, you know these!"

After a quick run through the alphabet and the first 5 prime numbers, Wallace kissed her daughter goodbye and headed off to work with a look of concern on her face. "Hannah just isn't progressing like she should be. If she doesn't excel now, then how can we expect her to rise to the challenges of a competitive kindergarten. And if she drops the ball in kindergarten just forget it. She'll be flipping burgers for sure!"

Wallace may come across as a little high strung, and perhaps she is placing too much emphasis on the academic performance of a 3-year-old, but today's stressful learning environment is leading to more and more encounters such as this. It is becoming increasingly more difficult for children to keep up with the rigorous lesson plans and homework, let alone to stand out as stellar students. It is this pressure to perform that experts believe is behind the increasing numbers of preschool dropouts.

But rising truancy rates are not the only problem that school officials are experiencing. Tina Crabbins, a teacher at the Primrose Academy Preschool where Hannah Wallace is enrolled, has seen sharp increases in cheating as well. "Yesterday I caught a student with the names of the primary colors written on her wrist during a pop quiz. She can't even read. How did she think that was going to help? She's a little slow."

Another disturbing trend is the increasing number of 2 and 3-year-old students being diagnosed with learning disabilities. Crabbins explained that "Since more is being expected of these young scholars, hidden learning disabilities are bound to be exposed in more children than in the past. If something isn't done, the weaker students are at high risk of slipping through the cracks of the system. It is difficult for a 3-year old to make it in the real world without at least a basic understanding of the four seasons."

Homeopathic Scientists Call for Cord Blood Donations, Only Need One.....

Alexandria, VA-Adding to the growing number of organizations calling for increased public cord blood banking programs, while at the same time expressing concern over the increasing numbers of families deciding to privately bank newborn infant cord blood based on misleading information, the National Center for Homeopathy (NCH) today announced their intent to sponsor a new public service campaign regarding this issue.

"Far too many families throw their hard earned money away based on the overhyped claims of potential future benefit they hear from these private cord blood banking companies," NCH Executive Director Sharon Stevenson explained. "Conventional allopathically processed cord blood might only help one child but a nationwide system of homeopathic donation facilities would lead to a much greater positive impact on pediatric health. We could literally provide potent stem cells, or at least a memory of their energy, for every child in the world with just one donation."

Their campaign, which will debut in print, radio, and television spots early next month, will consist of images of happy and healthy appearing families juxtaposed with images of those same families gathered around an ill child in a hospital bed. Readers and listeners will be encouraged to donate their newborn children's cord blood so that potentially lifesaving stem cells might be harvested, diluted and potentized, and then used in homeopathic treatments. The slogan, "Are You the One?", will be used to convey the sense that an individual's donation might save millions of lives.

The homeopathic community is very excited to be taking part in such a potentially world changing endeavor. Local homeopath Josh Billings revealed that "As a scientist and a healer, it just feels nice to be able to help so many people."

New Louisana Governor Stoked About Victory.....

Baton Rouge, LA-As the next governor of Louisana, when U.S. Rep. Bobby Jindal takes office in January of next year, he will be the youngest currently in office. And he couldn't be more stoked about his recent victory.

"This is awesome man, just awesome," Jindal exclaimed at the victory party held in his honor at the Fox and Hound Pub on Corporate boulevard. "Seriously man, I don't want to talk about politics and junk. I just want to play some pool, drink a few pints, and have fun. You want a beer?"

With 56% of the votes in his favor, Jindal feels that he has the support to go ahead with a number of controversial initiatives. "I truly feel that the Playstation 3 is the better platform but the Wii has a broader appeal. It is a gaming system that I feel best represents what we stand for here in Louisiana and there should be one in every home."