Area Teen Briefly Contemplates Place in Universe Before Spitting on Customer's Hamburger.....

Portsmouth, NH-Just prior to spitting onto a customer's hamburger, area teen Lucas Shelby paused for just a moment to wonder about the origin of the universe and the meaningfulness of his existence.

"I was just about to hock a sick loogie in this guy's double bacon burger," Shelby explained. "And it just hit me you know, all at once like. I'm like, just this little speck. And like, my entire life is like not even an instant in geological time. What does it all mean? Why am I here and all that junk, you know. There has to be more to life than working at Arby's."

Dale Shermer, a frequent patron of Arby's and the recipient of the mucus soaked hamburger, was unaware of the significant introspective advance in Shelby's ability to understand the nature of his role in the cosmos. "That's wonderful," he revealed. "It's nice knowing that not all these punk kids think the world revolves around themselves. Wait, he did what?"

Doctors Say, Stop Wasting Precious Time.....

Atlanta, GA-In a press conference held today at CDC headquarters, Director Julie Louise Gerberding announced a new initiative for reducing the incidence of, and the ill effects resulting from, living with excessive levels of stress.

"Stress has long been known to both initiate and exacerbate medical conditions from asthma to herpes zoster, and everything in between," Gerberding explained. "But until now there hasn't been a focused and concerted effort to combat its ill effects."

Gerberding described a multi-tiered approach to decreasing stress levels, starting with some simple first steps. "Americans are overtired, overworked, and overstressed. The key to less stress is more time." According to Gerberding, there are a number of simple and effective ways to add precious minutes to our days that can be set aside for rest and relaxation:

1. Sitting in traffic consistently ranks high on the list of major stressors. Try to find ways of making the commute shorter. Speeding is an effective time saver. And studies show that for every car you block from entering the freeway in bumper to bumper traffic, you'll be able to spend an extra hundreth of a second unwinding at the end of the day.

2. Do what doctors do to save time and abbreviate everything. You'll not only have more "me" time but you'll be cooler to boot. So the next time you need to ask your best friend forever for a bacon lettuce and tomato sandwich as soon as possible before your alcoholics anonymous meeting, remember this tip.

3. If adding abbreviations to your daily routine isn't doing the trick, try cutting out speaking entirely. Make postcards with common words and phrases that you can simply pass out to people during conversations. Or learn to read minds.

4. One of the biggest time drains that people participate in on a daily basis is basic hygiene. After just a few days of enjoying the extra time on your hands you gain from skipping that morning shower, you'll literally be able to smell the stress melting away.

5. Space age technology has led to many advancements in introducing sustenance into the human body. Taking advantage of these can shave minutes off of you day that can go towards stress reducing activities. Chewing is obsolete with today's modern portable IV nutrition systems, but these are bulky and add wind resistance. And experimental concentrated suppositories can be messy and uncomfortable. Just ask yourself what's more important, living a healthy stress free life or eating.

Tobacco Company to Halt Print Ads.....

Winston-Salem, NC-Tobacco giant R.J. Reynolds, buckling under the weight of pressure from anti-smoking organizations and members of Congress, has announced that it will not be placing advertisements in newspapers or magazines in 2008.

"This is merely another example of R.J Reynold's focus on public safety," R.J. Reynolds spokeswoman Jean Smithy explained. "The last thing that we want to do is to give the impression that cigarettes are for everyone. Because they aren't. They are absolutely off limits to children and to be honest, adults shouldn't smoke them either. We just can't stress this enough. Please do not smoke our cigarettes."

R.J. Reynolds has also announced that they will stop producing and offering a number of cigarette related products and services which have been targeted by critics:

1. Tobacco Tots Tobacotastic Toddler Safe-T-Seats with built in ashtray and Safe-T-Lighter with reduced entry port to reduce risk of finger burns

2. Timmy Tobacco's Wacky Shack Family Style Restaurants and Amusement Parks

3. Baby Got Bacco Infant Formula now with Comfort Carcinogens

4. Tobacco Junction: All Aboard! Where the Cool Kids Hang Out and Do Cool Stuff, hosted by Nicole Kidman and Ciggy the Bear

"We can't help but feel at least partially responsible for the widespread popularity of smoking," Smithy revealed. "This is just us doing our part to make up for that."

This Week's ER the Most Powerful Episode Yet.....

Burbank, CA-In an effort to improve this season's plummeting ratings, the producers of ER announced today that this week's episode will be the most powerful ever.

"Over the past few years, we've claimed that a number of episodes were the most powerful ever, or had an ending you had to see to believe," ER creator, producer, and writer Michael Crichton explained. "But we really mean it this time."

The show, thought by many to be past its prime and fading into irrelevance, is known for its exciting plot twists. Many critics, however, are declaring the announcement to be just more empty Hollywood hype, but Crichton isn't backing down. "In one episode, a while back, a tank crashed into the place. Well this time there's gonna be two tanks and a hovercraft. Plus we've got Doug Ross returning and he's a robot, The Muppets making a cameo as a band injured in a bus crash, and guess who's an alien. Let's just say that the ending is going to be out of this world. Literally!"

New Eyewitness Helps Area Police Close In On Wanted Fugitive.....

North Ogden, UT-Based on new information obtained by the North Ogden Police Department, investigators are searching today for a suspect in the recent spate of soiled sheets, spilled juice, crayon streaked walls, and missing items of jewelery and make-up occuring at the home of Bort and Erma Stumpwald.

"We're just exctited to finally have a lead on this case," Chief of Police Mildred Hubble explained. "Things were starting to get pretty cold until an eyewitness stepped forward with some crucial details."

Arby Stumpwald, the 3-year-old daughter of Bort and Erma, revealed to the authorities that "a pink baby giraffe climbed into my bed and went poo-poo in my bed." According to Chief Hubble, the baby giraffe likes chicken nuggets and is also a bear.

Intern Leaks Controversial White House Memo.....

Washington, DC-Making the rounds today is a controversial interoffice letter, from President George Bush to his staff, that was leaked by an as of yet unidentified White House intern.

This memo is the evidence we've been waiting for," 9/11 Truth representative Chirt Winkle explained. "This mistakenly leaked document is all the proof we need that our government is capable of maintaining a vast conspiracy, involving thousands of individuals, to cover up what happened on September 11th, 2001. Any attempts at covering this up will just be more covering up of what they're already covering up."

White House Press Secretary Dana Perino discussed the memo in a press conference held this morning, stating that "There is absolutely nothing in this document that supports any conspiracy theory regarding the fate of the fallen World Trade Center buildings."

Winkle, upon hearing of Perino's remarks, exclaimed "You see! I was right! I've managed to avoid being noticed so far but you must tell the world what I have discovered if something happens to me."

Area Grocery Store to Offer Complimentary Hand Wipes.....

Rockville, MD-In response to growing fears regarding the spread of increasingly resistant bacteria around the community, Magruder's Supermarket will be offering complimentary antimicrobial hand wipes to shoppers.

"There are a lot of worried people out there," Store manager Herman Moody explained. "Anything we can do to put customer's minds at ease is a good thing. Providing a safe shopping environment where folks can buy what they need at reasonable prices is our highest priority."

But not everyone supports the use of complimentary hand wipes for this purpose. Physician and noted skeptic Maynard Grimp is concerned that it will further confuse the general public and add undeserved legitimacy to the practice. "Complimentary is just a marketing term," Dr. Grimp revealed. "There is no such thing as complimentary hand wipes, only hand wipes that have been proven to work and hand wipes that have not."

Area Man Reunited with Long Lost Foreskin.....

Stamford, CT-When 37-year-old mail man Edward Gordon returned home from his daily route today, the last thing he expected to find waiting for him was his foreskin, which had been surgically removed when he was a newborn infant in Seattle.

"I couldn't believe it," Gordon explained. "I've been dreaming about this for so long but I had pretty much given up on it ever happening. We've missed out on so much being seperated for all this time. Do we even have anything in common? Will we get along? I'm happy, but I'm pretty nervous at the same time."

In what can only be described as an epic adventure, Gordon's foreskin was involved in a cross country trek that tested its will to survive and its ability to put its painful past behind it and learn to open its heart. Joined by a rebellious and troubled accessory nipple, and a gang of aging skin tags along the way, his foreskin was forced to discover the true meaning of friendship and of sacrifice.

City Council Meeting Disrupted by Spontaneous Song and Dance Number.....

Centerton,AR-An emergency meeting of the Centerton City Council was disrupted today when Mayor Jon Billings broke into a song and dance routine, forcing the majority of the eight member council as well as most of the press and attending public to join in.

"It's absurd that these impromptu, impeccably choreographed numbers still occur in this day and age, but with the popularity of recent movies like Chicago, and television shows like Cop Rock and Viva Laughlin, we've been experiencing more and more of them," Councilmember Dan LaRose explained. "It sounds like it would be a lot of fun, and it is at first, but I'm 53 years old and recently had heart surgery. Somebody could get hurt."

Members of the City Council aren't the only ones upset about the recent spate of spontaneous musical productions. Local parent Tina Watson is concerned about the effect on her children. "My son, he's a senior at Centerton High, was late for a test because one of the Jenkins boys decided to sing about being in love with some girl from Russelville."

Breaking it Down:How Americans are Ending Relationships.....

14%-Texting IH8U, ITZ OVR U SOB!

21%-Extending the restraining order to 500 feet

25%-Arsenic

13%-On The Montel Williams Show right after the results of the paternity test are announced

15%-One snide remark too many

12%-Joining the Holy Church of Hannah Montana