Newborn Infant Declared World's Cutest Baby.....

Butte, MT-Three-day-old infant Chance Wolters was named by hospital staff of St. James Community Hospital as "The World's Cutest Baby" this morning prior to his discharge home.

"I just can't believe it. I mean what an honor," Cindy Wolters, the child's mother explained. "And what a responsibility. I think that we owe it to Chance to make use of his gift. Maybe baby modeling or infant beauty pageants."

"Yeah, it's kind of sad. She keeps showing everyone the certificate and talking about the burden of beauty on such a young child," Nurse Roshandra Lewis revealed. "We give them to all the families. The sad thing is it's such an ugly baby. Somebody should tell her."

Breaking it Down: Where Americans are Matriculating.....

14%- 4-year Clown University (formerly The Discovery Institute)

21%- Southern Upstairs Medical College

25%- Grenada campus of the Correspondence College of East St. Louis

13%- Diplomaville.com

15%- Steve's house

12%- Hamburger University

Psychic Uses Powers to Contact Man's Dead Third Cousin Once Removed.....

Toledo, Ohio-While attending a reading by psychic Jim Edwins today, Toledo fireman Frank Woods was amazed when the clairvoyant began to communicate with a deceased family member.

"I don't know how he did it, but he definitely had Cousin Mabel," Mr. Woods explained. "Only psychic powers could have revealed that her name started with an A, C, D, G, K, M, P, R, T, or W."

On his unexplainable gift of communicating with the dead, Edwins expounded "I don't have any control over this. The spirits come to me and give me whatever message they feel must be passed on to the living. For example how they might have once lived on a boat, or near one, or near a body of water, or something blue, or that they liked water, or to fish, or to eat fish."

College Athlete Defies Odds.....

Tuscaloosa, AL-Ignoring the concerns of his friends and family, and the warnings of his personal physician, Alabama student Sherman Dart competed today in the pole vault competition at the Summer track and field walk-on tryouts.

"This is truly a triumph of the human spirit," Coach Harvey Glance explained. "Sadly, Sherman was born with neither a sense of direction nor a middle ear."

Dart, who did not qualify for the team and suffered a minor concussion, revealed "If success in the pole vault is measured in actual clearance of the bar, then yes, I am a failure; however, with my strict training regimen I hope to one day be able to run in a specific direction without falling down."

Children's Hospital Purchased by McDonald's.....

Nashville, TN-Setting an unusual precedent, Vanderbilt Children's Hospital was purchased today by the McDonald's Corporation. Ronald McDonald himself was present at the press conference.

"This is sure to be only the beginning of a new age of competition between the burger giants," Chief of Staff Kevin Churchwell remarked. "Burger King put in a decent bid but McDonald's just had more to offer. I like the Whopper better than the Big Mac but McDonald's fries are better. That's important to me and it's important to my patients."

Cody Carpenter, third year resident at the Children's Hospital, is excited about the transition. "There are going to be some bumps in the road, especially with the new drive through emergency department, but this is what's best for the children. And I get free Happy Meals."

Breaking it Down: What Americans are Having for Dinner.....

14%- Organic Funyuns

21%- Butylated hydroxytoluene

25%- Soylent Totino's Pizza Roles

13%- Two Bacon McSlabs, a large McTrough, and a yogurt parfait

15%- Another in a seemingly endless parade of tedious meals, amidst a pile of broken dreams long forgotten, and in the presence of that shrewish harpy of a wife that will forever burden your limp and lifeless spirit

12%- Whatever Oprah tells me to

Medical School Admissions Committee Makes Mistake.....

New Orleans, LA-Despite claims to the contrary being frequently used as a source of inspiration for students at the Louisiana State University Health Sciences Center, it was revealed today that the medical school admissions committee has made a mistake.

"Who knew that the position of Assistant Janitor in the Medical Education Building would involve so many long hours of studying and such difficult tests," Jim Fahr, 1st year medical student at LSUHSC revealed.

Susan Hanna, a classmate of Mr. Fahr, expressed relief upon hearing of the committee's error. "Now I understand why Jim was always cleaning up the lecture hall after class."

Amish Man Has Some Serious Thinking To Do.....

Lancaster County, PA-Amos Lapp, a highly respected member of the Amish community, was forced to reconsider his disbelief in electricity today after being struck by lightning during a severe thunderstorm.

"I want to give thanks to God for his blessings and his merciful sparing of my life," Mr. Lap explained from his hospital room in nearby Lancaster General Hospital. "But to be honest, I've got a lot of thinking to do. Hold on, that's my iPhone."

Mr. Lapp's doctor, hospitalist Chris Greaves, described his recovery as an example of the wonders of modern medicine. "A hundred years ago we would have thought that Mr. Lapp had an excessive amount of one of four bodily humors. Today we know that he has a small troll living in his belly."

Sharp Increase in Naked, Toothless Patients.....

Norfolk, VA-Kimberly Rand, a rising junior at Maury High School, revealed today in a Summer School discussion group how she has witnessed a number of strange and disturbing things while volunteering at Norfolk's Children's Hospital of The King's Daughters.

"There is this one ward where all of the patients must have had some kind of stroke or maybe they're really retarded," Ms. Rand explains. "They all like can't talk and have to wear diapers and stuff. They can't even eat regular food or anything because they don't have teeth. It's just really unsettling."

Dr. Maureen Maxcy, pediatric intern at King's Daughters, has also gone on record with her concerns over the rising numbers of these mysterious patients. "Sometimes in one day I admit like ten of them, which I think are shrunken old men or something. Where are they coming from? Why are they all naked? Hopefully my coming forward will lead to some kind of investigation."

Breaking it Down: What Americans Are Praying For.....

14%- The sweet release of death

21%- More cowbell

25%- Acquittal

13%- The voices to stop

15%- An end to war, famine, and homosexuality

12%- The smiting of Dane Cook