Knudsen's History: December 31st, 2007.....

Editorial
by Steve

On December 31, in the year 1997, Quaker Oats and the Massachusetts Institute of Technology settled a lawsuit regarding their involvement in experiments which exposed more than 100 institutionalized mentally retarded children to radioactive oatmeal from 1945 to 1956. Though under the deceptive guise of attempting to prove that the nutrients in Quaker oatmeal travel throughout the body, the true goal of the experiments were to create an army of superhuman mutants to aid in Quaker Oats' mission of world domination.

It is well known that the founders of the company chose to use the trademarked smiling man in Quaker garb because Quakers, in addition to standing for good quality and honest value, have long desired to rule the nations of the earth with rosy cheeks and an iron fist. But it was not until the company's fateful choice to use actor Wilford Brimley in their now infamous 1980's ad campaign that the board of directors truly focused on complete control of the planet and all of its inhabitants.

The ads, which ran simultaneously on every television station in the world at the top of each hour for almost 15 years, showed a piping hot bowl of oatmeal being handed to a young disheveled child who stood in the front of a long line of equally dirty and malnourished men, women, and children. The boy's eyes light up as he begins to devour the oatmeal, and he is stood against a wall where he is shot through the back of the skull. The camera zooms in on the half eaten bowl of oatmeal, which is now beginning to fill with the bright red blood pouring from the dead young child. Brimley's voice then booms over a loudspeaker placed above the muddy pen where more people are held, saying "Complete subservience. It's the right thing to do and the tasty way to do it."

If not for the heroic efforts of the surviving super soldiers created by the radioactive oatmeal some 40 years before, this grim picture of the future may have become a reality. Although some experts fear that the company is beginning to once again work on their nefarious plans to hold dominion over mankind. This time, with the FDA in the pockets, as well as the bulk of the medical establishment, Quaker Oats is primed to make significant advances in doing just that. Their products have already been legally allowed to claim heart health benefits, and soon they will be allowed to advertise as preventing cancer, autism, erectile dysfunction, and male pattern baldness. Once the doctors are in league with them, the lawyers will be next, and then the pathway to ultimate power is clear.

Knudsen's History: December 30, 2007.....

On December 30th, in the year 1974, the Church of Scientology was officially recognized in the United States, marking the first significant progress made in undoing the dastardly machinations of a galactic dictator over 75 million years ago, and his evil minions in the psychiatric community that continue to oppress the citizens here on planet Teegeeack.

Fox Puts Hold on New Reality Show.....

Beverly Hills, CA-In response to the recent tragedy involving the death of a 17-year-old boy after being mauled by an escaped 350-pound tiger at the San Francisco Zoo, Fox television has chosen to withdraw its upcoming special When Tigers Attack VII: Mauled by America from the schedule.

According to a press release from the network, the program, which involves ten untrained adult Siberian tigers, "pits a series of amateur animal trainers against each other in a contest of wits, as well as the will to harness the ferocious nature of both the wild tiger and man, culminating in America choosing which two trainers will face off in the climactic final battle inside the Death Dome. It's time to put your tiger where your mouth is!"

"We at Fox are deeply sorry for the loss of this young man's life and feel that airing When Tigers Attack VII: Mauled by America might be considered by some to be in poor taste," Fox owner Rupert Murdoch explained. "In working to put shape and form on programs at Fox, there will be shows with no outer limits, and the only rules that we will enforce on these programs is they must have taste, they must be engaging, they must be entertaining and they must be original."

Fox executives have narrowed the replacement of When Tigers Attack VII: Mauled by America down to a handful of fine programs:

1. A live action remake of ThunderCats starring real cats with Gilbert Gottfried as the voice of Snarf.

2. The Early Birds: Operation Iraq, an epic mini-series starring Ernest Borgnine as a crotchety former army sergeant who re-enlists and is sent to the northern Iraqi settlement of Qahtaniya. In the process of helping a ragtag bunch of misfits defend the villagers from wave after wave of Al-Qaeda soldiers, he must find a way to forget the past and open his heart.

3. Reruns of When Tigers Attack VI: Who Wants to Marry a Tiger.

4. Temptation Broom Closet

5. Monkey Medium, a thriller about a psychic chimpanzee who teams up with a very skeptical Burt Reynolds to solve a new case each week, with hilarious results. Tony Shalhoub makes an unforgettable guest appearance as a depressed zoo employee with a heart of gold.

Life Expectancy of Classical Musicians Suprisingly Low.....

Liverpool, UK-Long thought to be a low-risk lifestyle, classical music is slowly coming to be known as one of the more dangerous occupations according to a new study out of the Centre for Public Health at Liverpool's John Moores University, and published in the prestigious Journal of Epidemiology and Community Health.

"Most people associate early death with rock and roll stars and not classical musicians," Lead researcher Dame Shinga Salisbury explained in an emergency press conference held today in the family room of a local Judy Dench's Fish and Chips. "Between 1956 and 2005 there were 100 deaths among the 1,064 musicians we examined. What we are trying to do is expose the sordid underbelly of the industry in the hopes that a number of future casualties might be avoided."

The study found that classical musicians were most at risk in the first five years after being named first chair in their respective orchestra, with death rates more than three times higher than normal amongst woodwinds and up to 5 times higher in the brass section. But Dame Salisbury discovered a suprising correlation between stringed instruments and premature demise. "The violinists in our study seemed to drop like flies. And while the brass section deaths typically resulted from blunt trauma to the skull, the violinists often went down with a bow to the neck, severing the jugular vein."

Knudsen's History: December 27th, 2007.....

On December 27th, in the year 1831, Charles Darwin embarked on his journey aboard the HMS Beagle, where he would first formulate his theory of evolution. Franklin Pierce Robertson, great-grandfather of Pat Robertson declared in response that "I’d like to say to the good crew of the Beagle. If there is a storm in your area, don’t turn to God, you just rejected Him from your vessel. And don’t wonder why He hasn’t helped you when problems begin, if they begin. I’m not saying they will, but if they do, just remember, you just voted God off your ship. And if that’s the case, don’t ask for His help because he might not be there." Robertson would go on to call for United States covert operatives to "take him out".

Knudsen's History: December 26th, 2007.....

On December 26th, in the year 1793, the wedding of Prince Friedrich Ludwig of Prussia and Duchess Frederica of Mecklenburg-Strelitz took place. After a beautiful ceremony, a reception was held in the royal palace ballroom where entertainment was provided by The Magical Flutes, a Mozart cover band. A wonderful time was had by all, however the bride was quite embarrased when Uncle Steve took to the dance floor and did the robot during a rousing performance of "Wer ein Liebchen hat gefunden" from Act I Scene II of Die Entführung aus dem Serail.

New Book of the Bible to be Published.....

Vatican City-In response to sagging book sales, and the loss of a number of readers to the enormously successful Harry Potter series and popular television programs such as Heroes and Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?, religious authorities have hired a ghostwriter to pen a new installment to the Gospels of the Bible, the best selling literary work of all time.

"One of the most unsatisfying aspects of the Bible is the poor character development of the character known as Jesus," ghostwriter Frank Sarpong explained. "He's got a mysterious past, exciting superpowers, and the kind of tormented angst that today's 18-35 crowd can relate to, but just when things are getting going, bam he's dead, buried, and ascended."

In addition to providing some new details regarding the events that took place during his 30 years as a carpenter, a time largely left shrouded in mystery in other books of the Bible, the new books will focus on the origin of Jesus's supernatural abilities such as altering the density of his body, changing the chemical make-up of fluids, and creating matter. Sarpong is looking to give Jesus a modern take. "The whole God did it reason isn't flying with today's more savvy readers anymore. I haven't decided whether to go with genetic mutation or alien technology yet, but either way he's going to be fighting crime, and possibly dinosaurs."

Knudsen's History: December 24th, 2007.....

On December 24th, in the year 1906, Reginald Fessenden transmitted the first radio broadcast out of Brant Rock, Massachusetts. This first program, called Reggie F and the Morning Zoo Crew, consisted of a Bible reading, violin solo, and a review of Upton Sinclair's novel The Jungle. Fessenden was fined $1.25 by the fledgling Federal Communications Commission for the brazen use of the words bum and tarnation as well as for encouraging local women to join him in the studio to show off their ankles. Halfway through the broadcast, the tenth caller won a pair of tickets to see Tobiath Keith in concert.

Biblical Scientist Unable to Find Evidence Supporting Whale Evolution.....

Chicago-When Bible Scientist Clair Fortson heard of the recent discovery of a possible evolutionary link between modern whales and a now extinct land animal from India, a raccoon-sized creature with the body of a small deer known as Indohyus, she went to work looking for corroborating evidence.

"I've read the literature on this again and again," Dr. Fortson, S.T.D explained. "And in double-blinded placebo controlled Bible readings, there just isn't anything I can find to support this supposed link. This is just another example of the wealth of scientific data revealing the special creation by God of all life on earth."

A long-time skeptic of the theory of Darwinian evolution, and its driving force known as natural selection, Fortson has designed a variety of research protocols to test its validity. "First off, you have to have a full grasp of these processes before you can start finding the weak areas. Natural selection, at least as proposed by some scientists around the world, occurs when heritable traits that are favorable increase in prevalence in successive generations of a population of reproducing organisms, while unfavorable traits become less common. It sounds nice, but it just doesn't tend to pass muster when put to the test in properly designed scientific studies."

Dr. Fortson, S.T.D. has proposed a list of questions for the supporters of Darwinian evolutionary theory to answer. She reveals, "This is the heart of my research. I've spent years exploring every aspect of this issue and to be quite frank, if evolution is really happening, then these are questions that not only could be answered, they should be."

1. If we are the result of an evolutionary progression from monkey to man, why are there still monkeys?

2. How could humans have evolved from single celled organisms in only 6,000 years?

3. Why are there no documented cases of a cats giving birth to dogs?

4. Why can't scientists create life in a laboratory?

5. Why are fossils always buried underground? What are you trying to hide?

6. Why are there no transitional fossils that capture the process of evolution happening in real time such as a cat turning into a dog or a fish into a walrus?

7. Why do you want to burn in hell?

8. What is DNA?

9. Why do bananas fit so perfectly into the human hand, proving that they were designed for us specifically in mind?

10. What is the deal with the platypus?

Remember When Zagmuk Used to Mean Something.....

Editorial
by Sumu-la-El



Remember when Zagmuk used to mean something, before it became so commercialized. Before every bazaar started selling Marduk ornaments and 12-stone diamond pendants. You know the ones, where each diamond represents a day of Marduk's grueling battle with Tiamat, the monster of chaos.

I remember a time in Babylonia when Zagmuk meant a chance to come together as a people, forgetting our petty differences, to assist our patron deity Marduk, the Sun god and creator of the world, in restoring order, beauty, and peace to the barren world by once again repelling the advances of Tiamat. Why the horrible goddess of the sea returns each year I know not. But I do know that it is with our aid that Marduk finds the strength to cleave the hideous chaos dragon in half with his invicible spear.

But these days, most of my Mesopotamian brothers probably don't even know what Zagmuk is all about. I mean, you can hardly mention Zagmuk anymore without offending somebody, or calling the wrath of the BCLU down upon your village. Nobody seems to even care that today the sun will remain visible in the great sky for slightly longer than yesterday, marking the turning of the tide in favor of Marduk as he once again attempts to renew the earth for yet another year. Marduk is what Zagmuk is all about and I'm not ashamed to say it.