Free Energy Machine Gains Support of Scientists and Skeptics.....

Nitro, WV-When people think of the small West Virginia town of Nitro, they may think of nitroglycerine, the explosive liquid for which it was named in January of 1918, or perhaps its most famous expatriate, Major League Baseball legend Lew Burdette. But once news of the scientific breakthrough, announced today in the auditorium of Nitro High School by inventor Stam Petrie, reaches the rest of the world, that may change.

Petrie, a Nitro native who has a number of inventions patented under his name, claims to have found the secret to unlimited free energy. "The funny thing is that it's so simple," he explained to the group of local supporters and a representative of the town newspaper, the Nitro Intelligencer. "I wouldn't believe it myself if not for the fact that an independant scientist from Charleston has replicated my results. This is going to change the world folks."

That scientist, Dr. James Ryan of Charleston Community College's Division of General Studies and founder of the West Virginia Online Iridology Program, put Petrie's device through a series of intense tests. "I can't explain how it works, only that it does beyond any shadow of a doubt. My team of energy experts consistently found an output much greater than the electrical energy used to run the foot long plastic encased contraption provided by Mr. Petrie."

This contraption, which can be plugged into any available standard domestic power socket, works by using a mixture of common household substances plus one very secret ingrediet. Petrie revealed, "I can't believe that this wasn't discovered years ago. By simply sending an electric current through a common substance formed from the fossilized remains of dead plants and animals by exposure to heat and pressure in the Earth's crust over hundreds of millions of years, the energy just seems to come from out of nowhere. It's that easy."

Petrie is calling for investors in his project so that the free energy device can be developed on a much larger scale. "This is just the beginning. Once I've got the financial support I need, the world will soon reap the benefits of my device. That is if those know nothing skeptics don't foil my plans."

Know nothing skeptic Steven Novella, a Yale Neurologist and founder of the New England Skeptical Society, isn't convinced but remains hopeful that the device lives up to its claims. Novella revealed that "There is a long history of free energy devices that haven't worked. I have no doubt that.....this one.....won't.....fail tests performed by truly independent scientists.....and.....I.....fully.....support......Mr. Petrie."

Willing Suspension of Disbelief Threatened by Product Placement.....

Cranston, RI-Moviegoer Bort Hickson came dangerously close to disbelief today when a blatant product placement was inserted into the film "Who's Your Caddy?".

"There I was, enjoying the wacky antics of "street-smart" rapper C-Note and his band of jolly companions as they took part in a zany prankfest with the uptight "whiteys" of the Carolina Pines Country Club, when it happened," Mr. Hickson explained. "The minute that Dread, a hilarious member of C-Note's crew, sat down next to a soft drink bottle that was perfectly positioned for my recognition, I experience a fleeting moment where it seemed that perhaps the events taking place in this documentary were somehow fabricated, that the whole affair was in reality just a group of paid entertainers performing memorized lines."

Clinical psychologist Logan Eversby understands how close calls such as this can happen. "Modern science has actually removed much of the mystery from this phenomenon. When you see a familar product during a documentary like "Who's Your Caddy?", or "SuperBabies: Baby Geniuses 2" for example, our brains can be fooled into thinking that the events on screen exist in a make-believe world created for the enjoyment of the moviegoer. Think of it as a short circuit of sorts. Sadly, despite all of my expertise in this area I have yet to figure out how they know where to set the cameras up in order to catch all the exciting stuff that happens."

Missing Bees Found in Georgia Man's Garage.....

Augusta, GA-After over a year of intense debate, and a number of red herrings, the missing honey bees that have threatened the food supply for the entire nation were finally discovered today in the garage of Augusta, GA resident Richard Lombards.

"This is an amazing disovery, and one that has a lot of farmers around this country breathing a sigh of relief," Apiologist Tom Wadlington explained. "We had been focusing on infectious etiologies up till now although a number of alternative explanations had been proposed such as the bee rapture, cell phones and alien abduction. Nobody saw this coming."

Mr. Lombards was taken into custody by a federal beekeeping task force soon after the massive swarm of bees, estimated to be several million in number, was located. Prior to this departure he revealed "I swear I don't know how those bees got in the garage. I was in here like 5 minutes ago and the place was empty." A number of jars of homemade honey were found at the scene.

A curious history of Lombard's involvement with bees has already begun to emerge and it has come to light that he was once spurned by the admissions committee of a number of apiary training programs for poor grades and a prior felony arrest for bee trafficking. Mr. Lombards faces very serious charges of beenapping, which could result in a long prison sentence. He will be represented by Harry Winston, the defense attorney in a number of high profile missing animal cases in the past.

Study Reveals Alarming Increase in Ninja Obesity.....

Wichita, KS-According to University of Kansas School of Medicine-Wichita researchers during an emergency press conference, the number of obese American ninjas has increased dramatically over the past few decades with almost 25% having a body mass index (BMI) of greater than 30 kg/m2.

"This is just plain disgraceful," American ninja, and lead researcher, Michael Dudikoff explained. "Everywhere I go these days I see obese American ninjas. They look like they would rather infiltrate a bag of pork rinds than the impenetrable defenses of a rival shogun."

Rear Admiral Kenneth P. Moritsugu, M.D., M.P.H., Acting Surgeon General and longtime supporter of the ninja community, has been concerned about rising obesity rates amongst American ninjas since his appointment to the position in 1998.

"The etiology of ninja obesity is most likely a combination of several issues. In the past, ninjas obtained a significant amount of daily exercise taking part in such routine activites as sabotage, espionage, scouting and assassination missions in an attempt to cause social chaos and subsequent destabilization of enemy territory. Since the early 1970's there has been a sharp rise in ninja inactivity and a gradual shift from a high protein macrobiotic diet to one consisting largely of carbohydrate and fat heavy meals."

Dr. Moritsugu has established a government agency whose sole purpose is to decrease this disturbing trend. But not everyone agrees with the conclusions of these experts, calling their announcement "more propaganda that is agenda driven and completely unfounded". Cindy Crawzs, BSN, RN, CCP, an outspoken ninja obesity epidemic skeptic, cites the increasing average ninja life expectancy as just one of many findings that do not support an alarmist approach to ninja healthcare.

"Right now there are folks telling ninja children that they will be the first generation of ninjas to live shorter lives on average than the generation of ninjas before them, ignoring the evidence that today's ninjas are healthier than they have ever been, and every bit as active. This shameful war on ninja obesity is directly responsible for the steady increase in ninja anorexia. I long for a day when young female ninjas are no longer told by the mainstream media that despite the fact that they possess superhuman stealth, can silently kill an enemy using a variety of unique weapons and, depending on which clan they belong to, concoct a powerful explosive powder for use in offensive maneuvers or in aiding escape, they still aren't good enough."

Crimes Committed by Evil Twins on the Rise.....

New Orleans, LA-The annual LSU Health Sciences Center(LSUHSC) campus crime report was released today, revealing that evil twin related crimes are up 20% compared to last year. In fact, just over 200 various instances of theft, credit card fraud, embezzlement, and stalking were accredited to evil twins of students, faculty, and other employees of LSUHSC. Many of these crimes are still under investigation.

As shocking as this may sound, it came as no suprise to Dr. Michael Lipscomb, an expert in the area of evil twins. Levitzky explained, "I saw this coming a mile away. I've been pushing for mandatory registration of evil twins for years now." It would seem that in light of the crime report's findings, Dr. Levitzky's plea for increased awareness of, and preparedness for, evil twin related crime should now be heard.

Many high-ranking officials at the Health Sciences Center have begun placing blame on Tulane Medical School. As they have in the past for such mishaps as the Creutzfeldt-Jacob epidemic of 2003, the spread of vancomycin resistant Enterococcus, and cancer, LSUHSC officials feel that Tulane is the source, this time of evil twins. Howard Cline, Associate Dean of Student Affairs, stated, "It is a well known fact that the majority of our student's evil twins are attending medical school there.....at Tulane. I hate that school!"

Though this controversy may rage on for months, with heated debate and possible lengthy court battles, the newly released LSUHSC campus crime report did show improvements in some areas. Both multiple personality and sleepwalking related crimes fell by over 50%, a record decline for both. Dr. Robert Morton*, Dean of the School of Medicine here in New Orleans, explained, "Tulane is the greatest medical facility in the country and they could never have had anything to do with any of these problems. Go Green Wave!"

*It has since been discovered that I had in fact unintentionally interviewed Dr. Morton's evil twin, Mitch.

Homeopathic Study Questions Established Science, Doctors Stumped.....

Hartford, CT-A groundbreaking study on the effectiveness of homeopathic remedies on a variety of illnesses was published today, and calls into question over a hundred years of medical progress and the scientific method in general.

The study, consisting of a telephone survey of patients of registered homeopaths across the nation, asked such probing questions as "How Wonderful is Homeopathy? 1. A little wonderful 2. A lot wonderful 3. Extremely wonderful." It was published in the Scientific Journal of Homeopathic Science, a peer reviewed journal.

The latest in a string of high profile studies proving the effectiveness of a variety of alternative therapies, such as the use of Aromatherapy for Prolonged QT Syndrome and Rolfing for Multiple Endocrine Neoplasia Type III, the study has sent the medical community into a tailspin. Emperor Maximus VII, current supreme ruler over the American Medical Association and the Pharmaceutical Industry has already initiated damage control measures.

In a press conference held today at Skull Island, the secret international headquarters of the medical establishment, Maximus VII announced that "We've been concerned about the mounting evidence supporting the legitimacy of non-conventional therapies such as Therapeutic Touch and Prayer in the treatment of pretty much every possible illness so a contingency plan to deal with a study such as this has been in place for a while."

Maximus went on to reveal that starting today conventional medical doctors will be pulling out of the healthcare business in order to focus purely on more lucrative endeavors. "The chiropractors, faith healers and quantum healers pretty much have things under control now so we are going to put all our efforts on providing quality pharmaceutical options for flaccid bald men and wrinkled soccer moms."

Feng Shui Update.....

Boston, MA-Harvard researcher Michael Clouse has taken his study of the ancient Chinese art of furniture arranging to new heights today by going under the knife in an effort to use the principles of Feng Shui in the placement of his internal organs. Sadly it has cost him his life.

"When Mr. Clouse first came to me with his odd ideas about human organ Feng Shui, my immediate reaction was one of shock and disgust," Tufts-NEMC surgeon Barry Skinner explained. "But then he showed me the research. One study looked at organ Feng Shui in gerbils and found significant increases in exercise wheel use and 28% shinier fur."

Simon Southall, Chairman of the Feng Shui Society, revealed "We have nothing but the utmost respect for Mr. Clouse and his interest in adding to the mountains of evidence supporting the medical benefits of Feng Shui." Surgeon Skinner added "Perhaps I was rash in agreeing to take this project on. I don't think that God meant for so many organs to occupy such a small space."

Study Shows More Americans Using Feng Shui.....

Boston, MA-Harvard researchers today announced that nearly a third of American adults make use of Feng Shui, the ancient Chinese practice of placement and arrangement of space to achieve harmony with the environment.

"I am blown away by these findings," psychologist and Feng Shui skeptic Sara Lazar revealed in response to the study. "Who would have thought that in a society that is so dependent on science and technology this many people would turn to a so-called metaphysical art with no evidence to support the claimed positive effect on health, wealth and personal relationships. I have to say I'm concerned that bias may have come into play in the interpretation of the data."

When told of the skeptical response to his study, lead researcher Michael Clouse explained "I first became convinced of the power of Feng Shui thirty years ago and its use has improved my life again and again. Just yesterday I replaced the pile of human skulls in my bedroom with a lovely fountain. What size hat do you wear by the way?"

Fossilized Remains of Willie Aames' Career Discovered in Mohave Desert.....

Palmdale, CA-A team of palebiologists from UCLA announced today that they have discovered the completely intact fossilized remains of Willie Aames' career buried in the sand of the Mohave desert near Palmdale, California.

"This is a monumental find," Team leader Mark Webster explained. "It all seems to be here, perfectly preserved. His first appearance as Leonard on a 1971 episode of "The Odd Couple". "The Courtship of Eddie's Father". "Gunsmoke". Even the 1974 "ABC Afterschool Special" Pssst! Hammerman's After You!."

The amazing find is currently being transported back to UCLA for further study via carbon dating and electron microscopy, and Dr. Webster is optimistic about additional secrets being revealed. "We won't know until the boys in the lab get a hold of the specimen but the consensus is that its work as "Bible Man" did this poor thing in. You can only coast so long on reruns of Zapped! and "Charles in Charge" I guess."

Homeopathic Scientist Reveals Oceans May Soon be Diluted to Dangerous Levels.....

Tacoma, WA-Adding to the concerns of the majority of the world's experts on global climate, Tacoma homeopathic scientist Debra Macurley announced today that the world's oceans may become diluted to toxic levels should polar ice continue to melt.

This would almost certainly be the largest ecological disaster in the history of mankind," Dr. Macurley revealed. "The entire ocean would quickly become uninhabitable to even the hardiest creatures if the large amounts of free water predicted by many climatologists were to be added to our oceans. Levels of toxic substances could easily become so infinitesimally low that the water's memory of them would render it a deadly poison."

Dr. Macurley's stunning announcement has not fallen on deaf ears. Great Britain's Prince Charles is already calling for the dumping of large amounts of all known toxic substances into the Thames.